In A Loveless, Unhappy Marriage But Staying Married For the Sake of the Children? Why You Might Stay Together, But Not Only For the Kids.

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes speak with spouses (who are usually wives) who admit to me that they are “only staying married for the sake of the children.” These wives often admit that they are quite unhappy, and they worry that their lack of passion for life is going to influence or negatively affect their children. Sometimes, they admit, they wonder if their children would be better off with a divorced but happy parent rather than one who remains married only for their sake but who is quite unhappy.

Most people would agree that even small children pick up on and reflect their parents’ unhappiness. And, they learn how to live their own lives and form their own relationships, from their parents. In fact, it’s not at all unlikely that your children are going to craft their beliefs about what to expect and accept from marriage by watching your own. Of course, then, you’ll want to model the most healthy example as is possible because, ultimately, every parent’s focus is their child’s happiness and well-being.

But, I can’t in good faith tell you that being a child of divorce is a picnic. In my experience, it most certainly is not. And, it’s not just painful when you are going through it. Divorce sort of follows the child throughout his or her life. It will even affect their children’s lives because your grandchildren will likely have a spare set of step-grandparents eventually. That’s not to say that in some situations, divorce is preferable to suffering from physical or mental abuse. A child in this situation will often be better off removed from it.

But this is usually not the situation that I get correspondence about. Instead, I usually hear from spouses who tell me that they’ve “fallen out of love” or have “grown apart.” Sometimes, I hear from people who tell me that they don’t have anything in common with their spouse anymore or “feel nothing” when they look at them. Other times, there are concrete stressors that have been placed on the marriage, like the loss of a job or infidelity.

What Statistics And Studies Show Us About Children Of Divorce: There have been many studies and trials that have indicated that children who grow up with two parents do have some advantages in life. Children from two-parent homes do better in school, are less likely to get in trouble with the law, and are more likely to attend college and earn more money. Of course, none of these things means that your child can’t or won’t be happy without these things. But, being realistic, most would have to admit that these things do play a role in our well-being and that we’d like for our children to be on the positive side of this equation if it’s at all possible.

Children Of Unhappy Parents Are In A Less Than Optimal Situation Also: On the flip side of this equation, though, children who grow up in unhappy homes are also going to be negatively affected. There have been studies about children who grow up in homes with depressed parents. These studies also indicate that unhappy parents can raise children who are more likely to have mental health, cognitive, or social issues.

However, the fact that you’re reading this article indicates that you most certainly do not want any of these things for your children. Clearly, you have their best interests at heart and place their happiness and well-being as your highest priority. I suspect that this is going to go a long way toward helping you to come to a decision that works best for all of the members of your family. But I do believe that there’s usually a middle ground that everyone can live with. There’s no reason that both you and your children can’t be happy. I will discuss this more below.

A Possible Best Case Scenario: Returning Your Marriage To A Happy Place So That All Of The Family Members Are Growing Up In A Happy And Stable Environment: Here’s something that I find very interesting. Very few of the people who contact me ever entertain the fact that things in their marriage can improve or that things might (or can) change for the better. They’re pretty much accepted their lot in life as unhappiness. It’s as if they are counting on the fact that they are going to remain unhappily married and that there is not much that they can do about this.

This frustrates me a bit because I know firsthand and with a great degree of certainty that most marriages can be changed and improved. Yes, it takes a lot of work and some deliberate actions. Sure, it will feel strange and vulnerable at first. But, the payoff to this is huge for you, your spouse, and your children.

Why settle for living in a “loveless marriage” or for “only going through the motions” when it’s quite possible that you don’t have to? What if you could stay married (as you likely suspect that this is best for your children) but could also change the marriage so that it was more fulfilling for you?

Many people assume that if they choose to stay together for the children’s sake, this also means being unhappy with their spouse. It certainly does not have to be this way. I can not tell you how many couples have been completely convinced that they’d “fallen out of love” and then did a complete 180-degree turnaround and were themselves quite surprised by this.

I suspect that what you really want is for everyone in your family to be happy and to be in a healthy situation. And, this should also include you. Because you are an important member of your family, too. However, I believe that it’s possible to have all of these things. If you change some of your perceptions and set about getting to work, it’s my experience that it’s quite possible to stay together for the sake of your family, but to also restore your marriage to a place where it makes you happy.

I know that things might seem heavy right now, but I do believe that even situations that seem hopeless can turn around. There was a time when I thought my marriage was truly at its end. My husband was resentful, distant, and withdrawn, and eventually suggested a break. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing, to give a little more, and to approach it from another angle, and this eventually worked. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.

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Should I tell My Husband That I Can’t Live Without Him? My Opinion Based on Experience On What You Should Do Instead

by: Leslie Cane: Believe it or not, I get this question quite a bit. It usually comes from wives who feel that a divorce or separation is imminent, and they do not know how they are going to survive without living together and/or being married. These wives are looking for something to stop the bleeding, so to speak. They feel that the situation is quite desperate, and they are looking for words that are going to adequately convey this to their husbands.

But they also know that this strategy might backfire and that the words may turn out to be disastrous (or at least sound pitiful.) Some women will consider saying these words in a letter. But the risk in that strategy is that you can’t see his facial expression or his reaction when he reads these words.

I must admit that I said this phrase myself. I almost must disclose that it was pretty much a disaster. So I suppose that this may affect my opinion on it. But I’ve also had so many readers tell me that they wish they had never “gone there.” Looking back, it seems desperate, unattractive, and beneath the self-respecting person that you are. Still, it’s natural to want to express the way that you feel in a way that is going to get his attention. I feel that there may be a better way to do this, which I will discuss in the following article.

Why Fearing That You Can’t Live Without Him Is Something That Might Be Better Kept To Yourself: I completely understand the fear, anxiety, and self-doubt that you are experiencing right now. I know what it’s like to think that you might only get one chance at this. And, if you do it wrong, it will be over. So often, your inclination is to want to do or say something very dramatic to get his attention or to make him take pause enough to think about this more deeply or to consider changing his mind.

However, I can tell you that almost overwhelmingly, the men who speak of this experience will tell you that it comes off decidedly negatively. They might feel pity. They might feel guilty. They might feel sorry. But they don’t feel desire or affection, at least in that moment. The reason for this is that your desperation will often bring about a knee-jerk negative reaction in them. And people want to flee and escape the things that make them feel bad. It’s an unconscious form of self-preservation that exists within all of us.

Does this mean they won’t resist this inclination and respond positively and react in the way that you want them to, and call the whole thing off? No, I suppose not. But this is most definitely the exception and not the rule. And acting in this way sets a precedent and digs a hole that will be more difficult to dig your way out of. If he reacts badly, he’s likely going to limit your access to him even more, and that is precisely what you don’t want.

Playing It Correctly To Increase The Chances That You Don’t Actually Have To Live Without Him For Long: The “I can’t live without you” strategy is actually a very short-term strategy. If it’s the wrong call, the consequences may be very difficult to overcome. There are other ways to play it that I believe are not so risky, although they may require convincing acting when you feel so vulnerable. It can be done, though. I know this for a fact. I have seen it happen more times than I can count.

The strategy that you want to go with is the one that is going to paint you in the most positive light in his eyes. When he is evaluating whether this relationship is going to work for him or not, he’s going to weigh the negatives with the positives. He’s going to consider whether his payoff is more than his emotional costs. Someone who is appearing desperate, needy, and insecure is going to be perceived as negative most of the time. This does not help your cause.

What is more likely to help your cause is appearing calm, rational, and as someone who has your husband’s best interests at heart. If he thinks that you are actually going to help him get what he wants, then he is going to make himself more available to you, which is what you need to happen. Yes, this is going to require you to change your stance, but I’m pretty confident that the result is going to turn out much better.

There is nothing to stop you from being very honest that this is hurting you and that you regret this happening, but you can temper this by saying that you want for your husband to be happy and you want for your relationship to be a healthy and mutually fulfilling one so you are willing to cooperate to make that happen.

Understanding How Back Off Brings You Closer: Does this require you to back off? Sometimes it does, at least temporarily. But it will give you so much in return. Suddenly, he’s working with you rather than against you. Suddenly he’s not avoiding you as much. He doesn’t look at you as someone who’s trying to convince him that he’s wrong or who is trying to keep him from trying to get what he wants. You’re someone who is going to play a role in helping him get what he thinks he needs. So, you’re no longer a threat.

And if you play your role well, you will eventually come off as someone who is more likely to draw him in with positive perceptions rather than repel him with negative ones. And this can make all of the difference over time. Since you’re no longer pulling, he’s no longer pushing away. Sometimes you’ll find that when it appears that you’ve given up the struggle, you’ll see that he’s no longer trying to wrestle away because the reason to do so is now no longer as compelling.

When my husband wanted to move away from me (but I desperately want to save my marriage), I did everything that I could to stop it, including the “I can’t live without you” strategy. It didn’t work. Thankfully, I decided to approach things from another angle, and this eventually worked. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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My Husband Feels That Our Marriage is Not Workable – Tips and Advice That May Help When Your Spouse Feels Your Marriage Is Broken

By: Leslie Cane: I once spoke with a wife who said that no matter what she says or does, she can not convince her husband that their marriage can be made better or can be saved.  She said in part: “I just can’t get my husband to understand and believe that if we were both committed to doing it, we could improve and even save this marriage.  I keep trying to convince him, but no matter what I say or do, he says that the marriage just is not workable.”   I’ll tell you how I responded to this in the following article.

Know That His Perception Is His Reality: In the conversation that I just discussed, the wife gave me all sorts of reasons why she felt that the marriage was quite workable. She wanted my advice on how to present these points in a different way so that her husband would finally believe what she was saying.  The truth is, right now, wrapping your message up and tying it with a pretty bow doesn’t matter much if this isn’t the message that he’s wanting to hear.  He will still tune you out if what you say doesn’t confirm his reality.

The things that the wife told me made perfect, rational sense to me, but this really doesn’t matter.  What does matter is that the husband, for whatever reason, was not wavering on his belief that the marriage was not salvageable.  Arguing this point was unlikely to do any good. So, any message that was meant to change her husband’s mind about this was going to fall on deaf ears, whether his arguments had any merit or not.  Sometimes, you just have to play the cards you are dealt rather than asking for a new hand from a reluctant dealer.  This was one of those times.

Validating His Perception, Even If You Don’t Buy It: The easiest way to get someone to see things your way is to see things their way. In other words, you have to make concessions to get concessions.  Everyone needs to feel heard.  And it sure helps if they also feel validated.  You will find that he cooperates much more if he believes that you can at least see some of his points.  Surely, you can agree on at least a few of his perceptions of the marriage.  It’s not too hard to concede that things certainly aren’t great right now.  There’s no use in denying that.  You differ on whether things can be turned around, but you shouldn’t dwell on this either.  For now, just concede that he’s absolutely right about the state of the marriage.  You’re trying to lessen some of the resistance, and a sure way to do this is to stop resisting yourself.  It’s easier to swim with the tide than the struggle against it.

Working On The Marriage Without His Cooperation (And Without Telling Him That You’re Doing It):  If your husband has made clear that he doesn’t think the marriage is remotely workable, then to keep from delaying what needs to be done, it’s quicker to just accept that you’re going to be working alone, at least for now.  Take all of the energy that you were putting into arguing with him or trying to change his mind and channel that into changing up the dynamics between you.

Here’s what your main problems are.  Either he doesn’t think that things can be changed, or he doesn’t, for whatever reason, want to put in the work that will help to change this.  Again, it’s all about his perception.  You actually can change his perception.  But, this isn’t likely going to come from talking his ear off or from arguing and debating with him.  This is going to come through actions on your part.  And you’ll have better success if you go heavy on the action and light on the explanations.  He’s not receptive anyway, so just go about improving things without a long explanation.

Using The Advantages That You’re Probably Unaware That You Possess:  I know that this may seem a long way off, but there was once a time when you were able to expertly make your husband believe that the relationship was working so well that he wanted to commit to it for the rest of his life.  He was once helplessly in love with you, and you probably didn’t meet a lot of his resistance at that time.  So, although it may seem hopeless right now, you do know the magic formula to this equation because you’ve already solved it. Sure, you are not two different people with larger responsibilities, but at your core, you are the same person, and so is he.

I just can’t buy that things have changed so drastically as to change who either of you are.  It’s not you (or even him) who has changed.  It’s the circumstances that surround your relationship.  These are the things that he finds “unworkable.”  It’s the stress and the time constraints, and the society that puts family last.  But, it is really up to you as to whether you become very conscious of those stresses that you allow into your life and into your marriage.  It’s up to you to set priorities and to make the time. You did this once, in the beginning.  You listened as much as you talked.  You gave as much as you got.  You valued his happiness as much as your own.

And yes, so he did.  And yes, he has work to do, too.  But right now, you’re the only one who is willing to step up to the plate. So you are the one who must start to make things better.  As what you’re doing makes him a bit happier and fulfilled, he will gradually become more receptive until he’s at a point where he’s giving a little also.

It was my husband, not me, who felt that our marriage was not workable. And he wouldn’t lift a finger to help me save it. I knew that it wasn’t over for me. I didn’t want to give up on my marriage. But, for a long time, I drew on negative emotions rather than positive ones. You can imagine how badly this failed. Until I changed course and saved my marriage.  You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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When a Spouse Says You Deserve Better and Wants a Divorce: Tips On Where To Place Your Focus

By: Leslie Cane: The other day, I spoke with a very upset wife who told me that her husband had sat her down, indicated that he’d been thinking long and hard about their marriage, and had decided that she “deserved better, so he wanted a divorce.” Needless to say, she’s very confused by this. She isn’t sure if the whole “deserve better” statement is just an excuse that he’s using for wanting out. She’s not sure if he’s guilty for (or hinting at) something that he wants to disclose, and she isn’t sure how to respond. Should she stress that she’s perfectly happy and he’s wrong about deserving more? Or, should she try to dig deeper to determine just what is behind these words and risk making the situation worse? I’ll answer these questions in the following article.

How You Should Respond To The “You Deserve Better” Excuse If You Want To Save Your Marriage: Many wives get so caught up in proving to their husbands that they’re wrong that they really miss the true point. The real issue here is that your husband is asking you for (or telling you) that he wants a divorce. He may be using this as an excuse, or he may really believe it to be true. But, the fact remains that there is something so wrong right now that he wants to throw in the towel.

So, don’t make the mistake of thinking so much about the reason behind it. Focus instead on fixing it. It’s OK to ask your husband if he can share with you why he may feel this way. It’s entirely possible that he feels remorseful about something and is looking for a way to unload. And, he figures if he puts divorce out there, whatever he has to unload will seem tame by comparison.

But, if he doesn’t disclose, then this may just be an excuse for his generally wanting out. So, you shouldn’t repeatedly dwell on it or heap on more negative emotions or implications. What you can do, though, is focus on what is the cause behind almost all divorces that occur – a lack of intimacy, a loss of connectedness, and a lessening of affection and empathy. In truth, no matter what he is saying about this “deserving better” business, it’s highly likely that other things are at play.

Your Goal Right Now (It’s Not To Change His Mind): Don’t mistake your goal as convincing your husband that he is wrong. Your real goal should be to build the relationship up through positive interactions and exchanges. You’re better off showing him that things can be lighthearted, upbeat, and happy again rather than repeatedly trying to tell or convince him that he should change his mind immediately. Once he sees that the two of you can connect again in the old, positive, and fulfilling way, then it would no longer make sense for him to assume that you would want or deserve anything else.

What it always comes back to is reigniting and reintroducing the two people who first fell in love. Yes, I know that times have changed from when you were dating. I know that you have more responsibilities and issues that take up your time. But, in truth, everyone wants the same thing out of their marriage. They want to feel understood, worthy, competent, desirable, and admired. These things can’t happen if you don’t give your marriage and your spouse the time that they deserve.

And look at it this way. You really already know what connects the two of you. You’ve already fallen deeply in love before. Take a moment to remember how you accomplished this. It was probably through shared fun, intimate times between two happy people who were focused on one another. You can get back to this place, and when you do, neither of you are going to be worrying about whether the other is getting everything that they deserve and are entitled to.

Don’t focus so much on the semantics at hand. I know that “deserve” is a loaded word, but don’t dwell on it. Almost always, the underlying situations that precede a divorce are a lessening of intimacy and connectedness, no matter what excuses are offered up or what is said. Focus on these things. You may have to move slowly and break it down day by day. This is OK. But if you can address and fix these things, the rest will usually fall into place.

There was a time when my husband was absolutely sure our marriage was at its end. I suspected it wasn’t. Thank goodness I listened to my heart. With a bit of effort and trying new things, I was able to save the marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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Saving Your Marriage And Preventing A Divorce Single-Handedly When Your Husband Does Not Want To Participate. Tips and Advice That May Help

By: Leslie Cane: I heard from a wife who told me that no matter what she did or said, she couldn’t get her husband on board when it came to their marriage.  Specifically, she said: “I can’t convince my husband to work with me to improve our marriage.  I’m not sure that I will be able to do this by myself.  How can I get him to change his mind because I’m pretty sure if we don’t do something, then we’ll eventually end up divorced?”

This is such a common problem.  Rarely do I see situations in which both parties are totally and equally committed to making things work.  There is usually one holdout.  And, as frustrating as it is, this can actually be OK.  You can do a great deal to save your marriage all on your own.  If you play your cards right, your husband will likely come around eventually.  It’s important not to push too hard as you’re making real changes behind the scenes.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

Understand Why Your Husband May Be Resistant: Many people don’t believe me when I say that you can actually transform your marriage without needing your husband’s cooperation, especially at first.  I often meet a lot of resistance to this and hear comments like “I can’t force him to want to work with me, and if he’s not working with me, then nothing is going to change in our marriage.  I can’t do this all by myself.”  While you will likely eventually need at least some cooperation on his part, you can certainly start the process solo.  Even small, successful changes that you are able to implement will usually eventually inspire him to take some action.

Often, men don’t automatically agree to work on the marriage because of a few things.  The first is plain semantics.  It’s human nature to turn away from things that we think aren’t going to be desirable or a whole lot of fun. And hearing phrases like “working on our marriage” often implies hard labor to a guy, and he’s going to want to avoid this.  Another reason that we sometimes don’t get a husband’s cooperation is that he thinks this is all a waste of time, as nothing ever changes.  Over time, he’s become tired of and immune to trying things that just don’t work or make any real difference.

Your job now is to show him that he’s wrong in these assumptions.  You want to begin to show him real and lasting change, which is actually going to benefit him and provide positive feelings that come easily rather than negative feelings, which read as being a lot of work and not really lasting anyway.

How To Start Saving Your Marriage Single-Handedly: There are many ways that you can get started.  I recommend that the first step is taking a hard look at your marriage and identifying where you (by yourself) could begin to improve it.  What part do you play in the issues at hand?  Here’s a good place to start.  Most people neglect their marriage in terms of both time and effort.  So, if you’re now willing to make your marriage and its improvement a top priority, you will already be ahead of the game.  Giving your husband more of your time and attention is going to be one of those things that reads positively, and he hasn’t had to do a thing.

Next, you’ll want to identify what it is that you want from your husband.  If you could have him change in any way, what would this be?  For example, if you want more affection from him, then you need to model this by giving him more of your affection.  If you want him to listen to you more, become a good listener yourself.  Often, when I tell people these things, I get a bit of resistance. I hear comments like “this seems backward.  How is my giving him what I want going to benefit me?”  Trust me when I say that it does, and if you make a sincere effort, you’ll see that I’m right.  By modeling the behaviors that you’re wanting to see, you’re showing and not just telling him how you want the marriage to look.  He’s not going to resist this because you are the one doing all the work, and he’s the one who is benefiting.

And, once he becomes more fulfilled and satisfied and begins to see that things actually can change without the process being too terribly painful, he will start to come around. Because a spouse who is happy is going to reflect this back to you.  An example of this is when you first begin dating.  The two of you couldn’t do enough for each other, and as a result, both of you were happy without feeling that either of you was making overwhelming sacrifices.  The key is to really be honest about what you want and then to just show him (and yourself) that more of this can exist in the marriage without too much difficulty.

When To Have Serious Talks About Your Marriage:  A common mistake that many people who are trying to improve their marriages alone is that they will telegraph what they are doing.  They will come right out and tell their husband or wife that they are going on a solo journey down the save our marriage lane.  This will often make the spouse who is on the fence defensive or uncooperative.  You don’t need any additional resistance, so just begin all on your own without giving them any heads up.  You can explain more later once things are much better.

And, you shouldn’t try to have long, drawn-out talks about why the marriage isn’t working, or to try to convince him to air out your dirty laundry, or to share your deep feelings.  Men are extremely resistant to these types of talks anyway, and you want to focus on making positive changes in your marriage, not drawing attention to what is wrong.  Of course, there will come a time when this will need to happen so that you can fix the problems, but wait until he is on board before you attempt this.

It was my husband, not me, who felt that our marriage was just not working. And he wouldn’t lift a finger to help me improve or save it. I knew that it wasn’t over for me, and I refused to give up. But, for a long time, I drew on negative emotions rather than positive ones. Needless to say, this was a disaster.  I re-grouped and saved my marriage, but my mistakes meant much wasted time. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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Want To See Signs That Your Spouse is Having Second Thoughts About, Or Second-Guessing, the Divorce? Try This And Look For These Clues.

By: Leslie Cane: I often write about saving marriages that many believe are irretrievably broken. Sometimes, people write to me and ask how they can tell if their spouse is changing his mind about the divorce. They want to know if certain behaviors that they are starting to see are good signs or if they are just seeing what they want to see. In the following article, I’ll tell you what signs to look for that indicate that any reconciliation plan is working. However, if you’ve not seen them, I’ll list some tips to nudge him along.

The Signs That Indicate He Just Might Be Changing His Mind:

Positive Emotions Or Strong Emotions: So, how do you know any plan to change his mind about the divorce has been effective? You’ll start to see positive emotions. He’ll smile rather than frown when he looks at you. His body language will be more open and less closed off. You’ll start to see more intimate gestures like rubbing your arm, brushing the bangs out of your eyes, and “accidentally” brushing against you. He may ask you if you “remember the time you” (fill in the blank) to see if you can reignite some of the spark. In essence, he’ll be feeling you out, but he’s also inching in closer.

Many women ask me if their husband becomes crazy jealous or frustrated, does this mean that he still has strong feelings (and that this is a good thing)? Maybe, but I’d rather see a smile on his face than frustration. Jealousy and frustration are still negative emotions that he is associating with you, and you really need to replace these with positive emotions. That said, any emotion is better than indifference.  Complete indifference is the worst sign.  I’d rather see anger than indifference any day.

What you really want is for him to start initiating contact and mutual experiences that you can share. So, if he begins to show interest, play along, but don’t give him a free pass or appear desperate or subservient.

Stalling In Various Ways: He may be spending less time with his attorney and friends and more time alone or with you.  In short, he’s not single-mindedly pursuing ending the marriage right away.  This doesn’t mean that it is not still in the back of his mind.  That doesn’t mean that he has called it off completely.  But it might mean that he’s not as enthusiastic about the divorce as he used to be.

Spending Money On You Or Doing Thoughtful, Caring Things:  You might see behaviors that you haven’t seen in a long time, like his offering to do thoughtful things that he knows would mean a great deal to you, like visiting your elderly grandmother, raking the leaves, or buying you a book by your favorite author.  These don’t necessarily need to be grand gestures.  They are just little things that tip you off that he wants to make you happy or brighten your day. A man who wants to divorce you right away isn’t nearly as likely to participate in these behaviors.

If you are seeing most of these behaviors, you may be able to stop making all of the concessions and doing all the work. Your best-case scenario is that you’re able to reignite his interest, and then he begins to be the initiator because now the marriage is back on equal ground, and you’re both equally committed to working things out.

If You’re Not Seeing These Signs, Do You Have The Right Plan To Change His Mind? If Not, Put That In Place Now: If you’re concerned that he might not be second-guessing, I’d like to go over some things that I’ve found to be very effective in turning things around. First off, it’s so important that you understand that whatever plan you’re using should not be eliciting negative emotions. Many spouses will make the mistake of trying to play “hardball,” or to “call his bluff.” This behavior only pushes your spouse further away.

I also see people go to the opposite extreme as they become almost subservient to their spouse, making desperate promises that things are going to be different, trying to engage their spouse or pushing their buttons, or playing the guilt or pity cards. All these things do is make you appear less than desirable and push your spouse to want to escape as soon as they possibly can. ( I made this mistake and it set me back.)

It’s far better to focus on the positive. Yes, I know that very little may seem positive right now, but it’s important to act “as if” the signs are ALREADY there. It’s important that your spouse knows that you respect his feelings and want him to be happy. Explain that you’d like to help him achieve this, whether that includes you or not. It’s important that he feels validated and heard. And, even if you and I both know that you don’t agree with him at all, it’s important that you respect his right to his feelings. If he thinks you want to thwart him, he is much less likely to second-guess anything. It’s also important that he knows that he is important enough to you that you’d like to preserve the relationship, no matter where it is going.

Why are you making all of these concessions? Because, in a sense, you need to disarm him. If his defenses are up, he may be limiting his access. So, in order to change his mind, you need him to have an open mind and to allow you free access so that you can replace the negative feelings with positive ones.

It’s important that he sees you in a positive light right now. To do this, you need to make sure you’re displaying your best features and are conducting yourself with dignity and grace. And, you need to make sure that he sees that you respect yourself enough to continue to do what makes you happy. Take care of yourself. See friends. Make the best of things. Don’t sit around and mope. Make sure that they know that you, too can take advantage of this break.

Many people ask me if they should try to make their spouses jealous or insinuate that they are seeing other people. I think the best tactic here is to let him know that you’re going out with girlfriends and let him speculate if guys will approach you, but I don’t think that you should ever let him think you’re seeing someone else. You want to display yourself as a woman who still loves her husband, but who is respecting his wishes and respecting herself as well.

How do I know all this? Because I have lived it, unfortunately.  I made many of the mistakes I cautioned against here, but I never saw or dated other people.  I was always clear on the fact that I still wanted my marriage, although I did have to change strategies. You can read the rest of the story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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We Live Separate Lives In Our Marriage: My Husband Treats Me Like a Roommate and I Don’t Know How To Handle It

by: Leslie Cane: I once spoke with a wife who told me that she and her husband were living much differently than they did when they were first married. She said they used to always be together, laughing, loving, and experiencing things together. But now, they saw each other over the breakfast table without really seeing the other person anymore, nodding in passing, and suffering awkward but commonplace silences. The wife summed it up by saying, “My husband and I are pretty much living as roommates, and I’m not sure that I can take this anymore. We live separate lives. I deserve to be happy and loved.  I want to stay married, but I’m not sure how I can continue to live in this way.”

She wanted insights into what she should do. When I asked her what she and her husband were doing to address this distance, she sort of looked at me blankly. I asked her if their outings and dates ended badly or if they involved some sort of attempts at closeness. Again, I got a blank stare. The wife had to admit that they very rarely spent much time together anymore. It seemed that both of them felt that this was either a waste of time or potentially so awkward that they wanted to avoid it altogether.

Determining Why The Roommate Situation Between Spouses Was Happening: I actually hear about this scenario quite a bit. There are various reasons for it. Sometimes, there is an issue, misunderstanding, or unfortunate theme that is running through the marriage, and no one wants to say anything about it or dares to address it. So, each person sort of downcasts their eyes as the distance spreads more and more. Then, life becomes so awkward that it’s almost unbearable. And still, the central problem never gets addressed, so it worsens. (I’m not judging.  I was guilty of this also.)

Other times, there is no particular reason for this distance. There’s no real anger involved (although a great deal of frustration and sadness can be the result.) What’s happened in this case is that both parties may feel that one or both may have “changed” or that the spark is gone. And, while things may well feel like they are evolving, you can often look at the change in the relationship and also pinpoint a change in circumstances and/or priorities.

Often, when I ask people to compare the time that they spent on the relationship today with the quality time that was spent in the past, they greatly resist this. They will say things like, “Yes, but that was before we had kids or obligations and before we got so comfortable with each other.” Or, they will deny that one thing has anything to do with the other. In this case, I will often hear things like, “Well, what should I have to do? Give him my undivided attention all day? This is unrealistic and isn’t going to help anyway.”

Admittedly, thinking that you could put the time and effort of the past into the relationship of today is a bit unrealistic. Very few of us enjoy the carefree lifestyle that we had then. But, if you think about it objectively, you can usually at least consider that the time that you put in is going to directly reflect the feelings that come out. You can’t neglect anything – a garden, a marriage, or a spouse, and expect that they are going to yield the results that they used to give you when you gave them more time and more attention. (And, he can’t or shouldn’t neglect you, either.)

But what happens when you finally realize that you should rearrange your priorities and how you spend your time, but you worry that you have let this go on so long that there is really nothing left of the relationship? And, while you don’t dislike or hate your spouse, you have to wonder if you really and truly love them anymore. You look at them and you just feel numb. So you can’t help but wonder if you’ve waited too long. In my experience, it’s rarely too late.

How Do You Get Started When You Want To Stop Living Separate Lives And Bring Back The Spark In Your Marriage?: Unfortunately, many people will allow the fear of being vulnerable to inspire a reluctance to make changes. So, they will just sit there, frustrated, and knowing that they are sinking deeper and deeper. Yes, making changes may well feel awkward. Your husband may well not respond in the way that you want him to at first. This situation did not occur overnight and likely won’t be transformed overnight.

But you can start by giving what you wish to get. The wife made it very clear that she felt that she deserved to be loved. She could start by showing her husband this love and by exhibiting the behaviors that she wanted to receive. In a sense, we have to teach people how to treat us by the way that we treat them. We show them that we want more of their time and attention by giving them more of ours.

Sure, at first, they might well look at you like you’ve lost it or temporarily gone off the rails. That’s not the end of the world. Eventually, they will see that you are serious about making lasting changes and, so long as they are getting positive feedback, they will likely follow suit.

The wife couldn’t see that the husband probably wanted to return the closeness every bit as much as she did. Every human being wants to experience love and to feel valued. Her husband was no different. Since they both wanted the same thing and knew that they were compatible but had only lost their way, there was no reason why they could not change their daily interactions and apathy and eventually obtain an entirely different and better result. No more separate lives or living as roommates.

I could not deny the distance in my own marriage, but my husband was resistant to helping me make changes. After much frustration, I realized that if I started by changing myself, I might be able to turn things around. I was right.  You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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Signs Your Husband Doesn’t Want to Be Married to You Anymore (And What You Can Begin To Do About It)

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes dialogue with wives who suspect that their husband no longer wants to be in the relationship.  Often, people ask me for “signs that a husband doesn’t want to be married or in the marriage anymore.” And, I often will respond with a list of danger signs to watch for, but I also typically tell women that if their intuition is telling them that something is wrong or is off, then they should always listen. Because it’s better to be proactive and to take action than to be sorry later.  All marriages can benefit from some attention and improvements, so it’s better to just act “as if” rather than being blindsided later.  Getting him committed to the marriage again is harder the longer you let your problems fester. And, the more that intimacy and affection erode,  the harder it is to get them back in the end.  So, in the following article, I’ll share the list that I often give readers who suspect that their husband wants out, hoping that you’ll take immediate action if you’ve seen any of these or if your intuition is telling you that something just isn’t right.

Your Husband May Be Telling You (Or Is At Least Hinting) That He Doesn’t Want To Be Married Anymore.  Are You Listening?: Many wives who have a husband indicating that he is done with the marriage are blindsided.  They didn’t see this coming at all.  Often, when I ask if they noticed any warning signs or any distance from the husband, they’ll respond with things like “well, he only said that he wasn’t happy, but I didn’t expect this,”  or “he has told me that sometimes he wonders if we’re better off apart, but I didn’t expect him to act on it.”

The truth is, it’s very painful to think that your husband is not happy with you or the marriage.  It feels so much better to hope that if we ignore it, it will go away.  I know this firsthand because I made this same mistake.  It’s always better to act on these phrases, though.  It can’t hurt to give your marriage and your husband more of your attention.  In fact, it can only help you.  But, it has to be the right kind of attention given out in the right way.

And, sometimes you have to read between the lines.  Because often a man will throw out general phrases ( “I guess the excitement can’t help but wane after you’ve been together for a while,”) meant to spare your feelings in the hopes that you will get enough of the hidden message (“I no longer feel close to you and am no longer enjoying being married.”) to act on it.  Often, the messages have been either said or implied, but either he doesn’t say it forcefully or clearly enough, or we’re not exactly listening as a means of self-preservation.

He’s Distant Either Emotionally Or Physically:  Often, one of the first signs that a husband is thinking about no longer remaining married is that he either consciously or unconsciously decides to “try out” being on his own.  So, he’ll spend more time away from you and with his friends, or he’ll no longer ask you to come along with him.  He’s wondering if it’s going to feel better to be alone than with you.  And, he’s slowly trying this out.  Sometimes, this happens literally.  He’ll make excuses not to be home as much, and you’ll just physically see less of him.

Or, sometimes, he’ll begin this process emotionally.  You’ll notice that he isn’t listening when you speak, or he doesn’t really jump up to help you, or offer his attention or support the way that he once did.  You’ll get the vibe that it’s now “every man (or woman) for himself,” or maybe you’ll start to feel like he’s thinking in terms of “I” rather than in terms of “we.” It’s often a shift that you feel rather than see.  Maybe you can’t exactly put your finger on it, but it troubles you.  And it can start to feel like you’re living more as roommates than as a bonded, intimate married couple.

You’ll likely also begin to notice that the spontaneous, intimate gestures are no longer there (the grab for your hand, the rub of your shoulders, the bringing of his hands across your cheek.)  Admittedly, no one expects couples married for a long time to no longer be able to keep their hands off one another, but people who are still committed and onboard do these things at least some of the time.

Sometimes, you’ll also see a drop-off in intimacy and sex.  Often, the frequency lessens, as does the intensity.  You feel that he’s just going through the motions and isn’t really into it.  Sometimes, the opposite happens.  You’ll notice he wants to try new things, or he’s trying very hard to see if you can get the spark to relight.

He May Start Living His Life (And Managing His Affairs) Separately From You: Another thing that you may start to see if your husband is doubting whether he wants to remain married is he begins to get his own email, snail mail, his own credit card, and/or his own bank account and he may encourage you to do the same.  (Sometimes he will try to hide this at first.) Sometimes he’ll try to make logical excuses for this, and sometimes he won’t.  Often, a man will try to ease into living his life separately before he actually tells you that he’s going to cut the cord.

Or, he may stop consulting with you on important decisions. He’s trying to feel out living and being on his own, so he’s going to make decisions that are important to him, by you much less because he isn’t sure if you’re going to be part of his future, and he questions if he needs to do this any longer.  He may encourage you to become more independent so that he doesn’t have to feel guilty or wonder if you can make it on your own when he decides to separate from you.

If you are seeing these signs, take action today.  Don’t make the mistake I did and hope that it will get better.  It often will not.

Unfortunately for me, I ignored a lot of these signs until it was almost too late. When I finally realized that my husband was serious about not wanting to be married anymore, I had almost too much catching up to do. Luckily, over time (and taking calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy and bring back his love. But it took longer than it should have until I stumbled on what finally worked. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.

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I Want My Husband Back After I Filed For Divorce : Tips and Advice That May Help If You Regret Filing

By: Leslie Cane: The other day, I spoke with a wife who was filled with regret.  To make a very long story short, she and her husband had been having problems for quite some time.  They still loved each other, she thought, but the relationship had evolved into something that neither of them recognized anymore or liked very much.  There were no huge fights or volatile times.  They had simply “drifted apart” and “fallen out of love.”  They had tried desperately to reignite the spark but had not been successful.  After a while, filing for divorce seemed like the “right thing to do.”  So, the wife did.

However, every time she had to interact with her husband, she was filled with regret and longing.  It hurt her deeply to even see him.  She wanted to fall into his arms when they sat across the table from one another in the lawyer’s offices.  The husband was not that receptive to her because her filing for divorce had very much hurt him.  She worried that she’d made a huge mistake that she could not undo.  She worried that it was really too late.  She wanted to know if she should be honest and tell her husband that we wanted to try again or if she should just go through with the divorce (as painful as it was) and cut her losses.  I will share some insights in the following article.

Is It Too Late To Get Him Back When You’ve Already Filed For Divorce?:  It’s really never too late, in my experience and opinion.  Now, in this wife’s case, the time frame when the divorce was going to be final was coming up relatively soon.  I worried that she might act in haste or in panic, and felt it might make sense to see if she could spend some low-key time (without putting any pressure on the situation) with her husband to see if he was still feeling the same way.

It was entirely possible that it was guilt and sorrow that she was feeling, and all of these jumbled and negative feelings were contributing to her indecision. She and her husband were still on cordial terms.  It would not be that much out of the ordinary for her to offer to buy him a cup of coffee.  And, there was nothing wrong with her confessing that she wanted to continue to be in one another’s lives and to remain on close and good terms.  Once this was out in the open, she could see where this went.

What I didn’t want for her to do was to make rash decisions or declarations that would only make her feel more confused.  If the meetings went well and things were going smoothly between them, then she might tell her attorney that she just wanted to hold off on moving forward with the divorce for a while.  This didn’t mean that she had to call the whole thing off or withdraw what she had already filed.  It just meant that she wasn’t going to aggressively pursue a “final” judgment right now. (Note that I am not an attorney, and you should consult with yours about any legal strategy.)

Of course, the husband was likely to wonder why she was doing this.  There is nothing wrong with telling him that she felt the whole thing was moving too fast and she just wanted some time to get her bearings and process this before moving forward.

How To Make Sure That It’s Really Different This Time: The real place where this couple was vulnerable, in my eyes, was in going full speed ahead and then finding out that the same old insurmountable problems existed and that nothing had changed.  This was what absolutely could not happen if they were going to be successful.

This is when it can make sense to change things up.  She did not want to put too much pressure on this situation. Once she took the threat of an immediate divorce off the table, she should just focus on strengthening their relationship.  And, I didn’t mean continuing to be cordial, but cool. I meant real intimacy and vulnerability and closeness that had been missing for so long.

It did not make sense for her to dwell on their problems or to revisit them.  What I wanted them to revisit were the two people who were drawn to each other in the beginning.  Because, in the beginning, these two people loved hiking and camping and staying up all night talking and laughing.  They had not done this for years.  And when they were together, they were certainly polite. But no one was laughing.  And so when this sort of good-natured banter starts to wane, so too does the intimacy.

I wanted the intimacy to return before they even thought about “working through” their problems.  What they needed was some light-hearted interaction that would put a smile on both of their faces and would bond and unite them.  Only when this has been reestablished and is running smoothly for quite some time should they then attempt to tackle the larger issues.  But, there was a long distance between that day and today.  Right now, the goal should only be to reconnect and rediscover what attracted them to one another in the first place, without any pressure or deadlines.

It was not I who wanted out of our marriage.  It was my husband. Luckily, though, I felt that if I started by changing myself, I might be able to turn things around. Eventually, I was able to stall a divorce and then to not only restore my husband’s love, but to save our marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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My Husband Served Me With Divorce Papers, But I Want to Save the Marriage. Advice That May Help

By: Leslie Cane: There is few worse feelings than being served with divorce papers when you want to save your marriage. It’s absolutely normal to feel panicked and beaten. But, it’s important to understand that it doesn’t have to be “the end.” Many marriages reconcile before the divorce is final. It’s not an impossible task, no matter how it may feel right now. I’m living proof of that. In the following article, I’ll offer advice and tips that may help you in the coming days.

You Can’t Ignore What Is Happening, But You Can’t Panic Either: Women email me once they’ve been served with divorce papers and tell me that they intend to just ignore the papers or refuse to be served. I’m certainly not an attorney, but I can tell you that this isn’t a good idea. You don’t know what the future holds, and you must protect your interests. You can still respond and take care of yourself while not giving up or giving in. Divorce often takes months to become final, so there is no need to panic or engage in aggressive, combative, or panicked behaviors that are going to push your husband further away.

Some women will outright tell their husbands that they refuse to accept a divorce or that they are going to “fight them all the way.” This may seem like the thing to do, but it isn’t going to help your cause. It’s only going to make your husband look at you in an even more negative light. Your best bet is to make your husband think that you are on his side or at least are not going to block him every step of the way.

The truth is that in order to save your marriage, you are going to need access to your husband in which you can engage in positive things and positive emotions. You aren’t going to get this if you take an opposing stance. So, even though only you know your true intentions, it’s important that the person you show your attorney (or yourself) and the person you show your husband needs to be an entirely different individual. You want your husband to eventually think that he’s made a mistake in leaving the positive, cooperative, fun person in front of him. Always remember this when you interact with him.

Changing Course In The Face Of The Divorce: Getting Through To Your Husband When He’s Closed Himself Off: Often, once the papers have been served, the husband will either want to move out or distance himself from you (unless the divorce papers are a rouse to get your attention.) So, it can be a hard task to get access to him. In order to do this, you’ll need to disarm him in a sense and this typically requires that you come at this from another angle.

At a time when you are both calm and rational, tell your husband that you understand and accept that he has filed for divorce. Reiterate that you would like to save the marriage, but you realize that this would take both of you being in agreement and would require some major changes. But, tell him that what you can control is how you interact in the days to come, and, on your end, you are only going to participate in behaviors that contribute to positive rather than negative things. Tell him that this relationship is too important to you to allow it to end badly. Explain that if the two of you part as friends, that’s enough for you, but you can’t allow someone who was such an important part of your life to walk away thinking of you negatively.

Now, you and I both know that you really aren’t fine with this ending on friendly terms, as you don’t want it to end at all. But, your husband needs to know that when he interacts with you, he isn’t going to be met with hostility, arguments, begging, or debates. Because if he thinks this, he’s just going to avoid you. ( I know this because my husband avoided me.  More on that here.)

Making The Most Of Your Interactions With Your Husband And Changing His Perceptions Of You: Always remember what first attracted your husband to you. Make sure you put these attributes on full display when you interact. It’s very likely that it was an upbeat, positive, and light-hearted person who first caught your husband’s eye. So, as hard as it may be right now, you have to remain positive. You have to display yourself as someone who loves her husband, but who is coping in a positive way because she loves and respects herself enough to do so.

Use this time for yourself and engage in activities that make you feel fulfilled. See friends. Focus on your appearance. Get out there. Make sure your husband knows that you are dealing with this in a positive way and you aren’t sitting at home eating leftovers and watching reruns. Men are attracted to strong, self-sufficient, and positive women. Make sure that this is what you are portraying. Not only will it make you feel better, but your husband will wonder what is going on and will want to see for himself.

At the end of the day, your goal is really to change your husband’s perception of you from negative to positive. This often takes time and small baby steps. The goal is to create positive interactions that build upon one another until the nature of your relationship begins to change. Always let your husband take the initiative and don’t push for more or ask where this is going – these are all negative behaviors that will only intensify his wishes for a divorce.

Now, I’m not asking you to push down your own needs or concerns. Certainly, you will need to work through issues, and you have needs and requirements too, but the deep discussions can wait until you’re back on solid ground.

How do I know all this? Because I have lived in a situation that was very similar.  And I made catastrophic mistakes. Eventually, though, I was able to reestablish intimacy and prevent the divorce, even though I was the only one who wanted to at the time. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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