Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives are extremely confused by their husband’s actions since he has left them.  Often, they expect for him to be happy or to show a sense of relief since he was the one who set this whole thing into motion. But sometimes, the opposite happens.  Sometimes, it becomes quite obvious that he isn’t happy at all.  In fact, sometimes he can seem to be downright miserable.

A wife might explain: “my husband was the one who decided to leave.  I never wanted any sort of separation or break. He is the one who took the initiative to walk out the door because he thought he was unhappy within our marriage.  But now it’s been only two weeks since he left and every time I see or talk to him, he seems absolutely miserable.  His whole demeanor is down.  I try to ask him what is wrong with him but he won’t give me a direct answer.  Why would he be miserable when this is what he himself choose and seemed to want?”  I will try to answer these questions in the following article.

Examples Of Some Of The Many Reasons He May Seem Miserable After Leaving Their Wives:  Of course, every man is an individual so his reasons may vary.  But here are examples of common reasons that he may be sad, confused, or miserable.

His Experience Isn’t The Way That He Envisioned It: Often men leave because they think that taking a break is going to give them some relief from their situation.  Or, they think that the time to think is going to provide all of these awesome insights. They hope that they will have sudden clarity or that they will find that they either intensely like or dislike being on their own.  But sometimes, things just don’t work out in the way that they hoped.  Sometimes, the clarity just isn’t there or the break isn’t what they hoped that it would be and they are frustrated because of this.

Sometimes, They Miss You More Than They Thought They Might:  Many men leave out of anger or at least out of frustration.  So, they hope that leaving you is going to make them feel some relief.  What they sometimes don’t count on is that this relief that they hoped for is not forthcoming because they miss you.  So suddenly it dawns on them that they are unhappy without you and that perhaps the only way to be happy is to roll up their sleeves and get to work.  Much of the time, they just didn’t anticipate this reaction.

They Realize That They Are No Closer To The Answer That They Were Seeking:  I know that it may be difficult for you to believe this, but many men don’t actually relish the idea of leaving.  It’s often the last resort because they don’t see any other way.  So they hope that by taking the very drastic action of leaving, they are going to come up with some type of answer that is going to make their situation better.  This hope might be that they discover that they like living alone.  Or perhaps this might be that being apart from you has offered them some clarity.  Or, maybe they hope that you are going to fall at their feet begging them to come home while promising abrupt change.  Whatever it was that they are hoping to accomplish, it’s not unusual for the reality of it to fall short of their expectations.

He May Be Posturing To Get You To Ask Him To Come Home:  It’s understandable that many wives are less than pleased when their husband leaves.  Often, they are so angry at him that they are thinking good riddance if this is how he wants to act (especially at first.)  Because of this, he can be reluctant to just come right out and tell you that he made a grave mistake and wants to come back home.  So, he will try to set it up so that you feel sorry for him and take the initiative to ask him to come home.  One way for him to try to do this is to put his misery on full display and to hope to get a reaction from you.

How Should You Act When He’s The One Who Left But Is Now Acting Miserable?:  Well, this depends on whether you actually want for him to come home or not.  If you could care less whether he comes home, then you’re under no obligation to react in a certain way.  But, if you do want to save your marriage, then you may want to show some empathy.  You could try the strategy where you announce that you’re sorry that he’s unhappy since you love him and you want for the two of you to be happy together.  You could also ask what he believes would make him more happy in this situation and then listen very closely to what he has to say.  Because if he is truly miserable, the chances are good that he is going to try to lighten his own load and that he will try to help you come up with solutions because he doesn’t want to continue to be unhappy.

And while it’s unfortunate that he’s miserable, this could be the stimulus that you need to get your marriage back on track. In this way, you can turn a negative into a positive so that the discomfort that you are both feeling right now is eventually worth it.

Unfortunately for me, my husband was miserable during our separation not because he missed me, but because he was so frustrated with my behavior. In my defense, my behavior was caused by my fear of losing him. But it was my behavior that almost made my fears a reality. It wasn’t until I got control of my actions and completely changed course that I was able to save my marriage. If it helps, you can read the whole story my blog http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, women try to determine the implications of their husband leaving. Often, they wonder what this means for their marriage.  They worry that this might mean that they are separating or divorcing in the near future.

A wife may have these concerns: “I knew that things weren’t great in my marriage, but I never expected for my husband to leave me.  I fully expected for him to stay and to try to work things out.  But I came home from work last night and found a note saying that he left.  So I immediately called him and asked what his leaving is supposed to mean.  He was very vague and said that he really wasn’t sure what he wanted yet.  So I asked him very directly if he wanted a divorce.  Again, I got no real response.  What am I supposed to make of this?  Do men who leave their wives do so because they want a divorce?  And what can I do about this when a divorce is the very last thing that I want?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Why Men Who Leave Don’t Always Want A Divorce:  I know that it’s very tempting to assume the worst here.  After all, one day your husband was committed enough to live under the same roof as you, and today, that appears to no longer be the case.  But, try not to panic because panic and making the worst possible assumptions could make things seem more dire than they need to be.

I myself have gone through this situation.  My husband left me and I was sure that meant we would eventually divorce. Today, we are still together and we are happy.  Many other people in this situation did not divorce and were eventually able to save their marriages. Divorcing is certainly not a given by any means.  Sometimes, his leaving actually makes him miss or appreciate you.  And sometimes when both people are able to take a step backward, they are able to make some progress.  I know that this may sound questionable to you right now.  But I have seen this situation turn around time and time again.  So, if divorce is not a given, then why did he leave in the first place?  What is he hoping to accomplish from this? I’ll explore these questions right now.

Why Mean Leave Their Wives When They Don’t Necessarily Intend To Divorce Their Wives:  There are many reasons that a man might leave.  Almost always, he is trying to get your attention or he is trying to make a bold statement.  He often feels that he has to do something this dire in order to bring about some change.  In fact, if you were to talk to the husband in this scenario, he may tell you that he has been trying to work things out with his wife, but she is either resisting or she appears to be trying but, at the end of the day, nothing really changes.  So he may hope that by leaving, he is forcing your hand so that you might take notice enough that you make some swift and permanent changes.

Another reason that men will leave is that they feel like they need some time to themselves.  Often, the marriage has become volatile or they have begun to question what they really want or whether they can make the marriage work.  And, it can be hard to see things clearly when your spouse is right in front of your eyes on a daily basis.  So, they leave in order to gain some perspective or some distance.  Many wives worry about this side of it, but sometimes, you can actually make the distance work for you because he may just miss you and find that he wants to work things out, especially if you play your cards right.

What Should You Do After He Leaves? How Should You Respond To This?: Hopefully, by now, I’ve driven the point home that you should not panic.  If you do, he will often begin to wonder if you have a valid reason to be worried or if you know something that he doesn’t.  Also, when you panic, you can really lose control over your emotions and your actions. Therefore, you can do or say things that will embarrass you later.  I fully admit that I was not myself the week after my husband left.  And, when I look back on that time in my life, I am not proud of how I acted.  My husband wanted to avoid me because he knew that if he didn’t, I was going to unleash all of my attempts at guilt on him or I was going to engage just to get some sort of reaction.

I believe that the best thing that you can do is to remain calm and to make it appear that you are cooperating because you actually want a marriage in which you are both happy.  So if he needs to take a little time away in order for this to happen, make it clear that you will comply because you both want the same thing.  Don’t try to pressure him or repeatedly question him if he has already made an attempt to answer you.

Above all, be confident in yourself, in your marriage, and in your ability to compromise and to work this out.  Of course, this is undoubtedly a difficult time.  But how you act and behave right now might make a real difference in the outcome.  Be pleasant.  Be upbeat.  Be playful.  But, make it clear that you are going to take advantage of your own time and do your own thinking.  You want to make it clear that you are still very much invested in your husband, but you still have your self-respect also.

To be quite honest, I didn’t know how to correctly respond after my husband left me.  I reacted very badly and I definitely made things worse.  I had to completely change strategies to save my marriage.  But the new strategy worked.  If it helps, you can read about the entire process on my blog http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives have no idea what to make of what their husband is telling them when it comes to his feelings toward and distance from them.  Quite often, he is contradicting himself or saying things that do not make a lot of sense, or at the very least show very little consistency.

A wife could explain: “my husband has become very distant to me over the last several months.  He never shows me any affection and he doesn’t seem to care if I am happy or not.  In fact, he pretty much ignores me.  Recently, I decided that I just wanted to lay all of this on the table.  I am tired of pretending that I don’t notice how he’s acting.   So I flat out asked him if he loves me.  He hesitated for a minute and said that sometimes he does, but he clarified that sometimes he “definitely does not.”  I asked him what this meant and he told me that it was hard to explain and he didn’t elaborate.  Plus, he refuses to discuss it any further.  He has just gone back to being his sullen and withdrawn self.  How am I supposed to respond to this when I’m not even sure what he means by it? What does this mean for our marriage?”

Obviously, I can’t read minds. However, I do dialog with men and I think that I have a firm handle on what they are alluding to (or are trying very unsuccessfully to express) when they make these kinds of assertions.  I will share some insights with you below.

Although He’s Not Making A Lot Of Sense, He’s Trying To Express Some Vague Dissatisfaction:  When a man says that he loves you some of the time but doesn’t on other occasions, he’s not really telling you much of anything.  Because love doesn’t turn itself on and off in that way.  So instead of saying something truly meaningful (or even accurate) what he is trying to do is to get your attention.  He wants you to be aware of some dissatisfaction that he has about his life, your marriage, or the situation in general.  Now, it’s possible that you are already aware of this situation or of his dissatisfaction, but he may think that you aren’t paying enough attention or aren’t taking enough action, so he’s saying something as drastic as this to get your attention.

Although What He’s Saying Is Hurtful And Maddening, There’s Some Good News Here:  This wife admitted that she still loved her husband although she wasn’t all that pleased with his handling of this situation.  She hoped that he hadn’t lost his love for her or that if he had, that she could get it back.  Frankly, I didn’t think that he had lost his love.  If he had, he likely would have told this very directly.  It was more likely that his unhappiness was situational.  What I mean by that is that when things were going well, he likely felt a great deal of love for his wife.  But, when they were not going well, he felt a lack of love because of his frustration or disappointment.

So why is this good news?  Because it means that he still loves you and is still invested in you and the marriage.  If he wasn’t, he would not feel the frustration that is causing him to say what he is saying.  So this is positive news.  And although this situation can seem daunting, it’s not nearly as bad as dealing with a husband who is very confidently and directly telling you that he is no longer in love with you in the slightest.

How To Respond To This And To Begin To Pick Up The Pieces:  What is very important to understand right now is that this is a situational problem.  It’s not that your husband doesn’t like the person that you are in general.  It’s not that he’s not attracted to you or that he doesn’t want to be married to you.  It’s that, sometimes either during times that trouble him or during issues when there is stress or conflict, he projects his feelings of frustration onto you and he translates this as, at that time, as he’s not feeling love for you at the time.  This is unfortunate, but not insurmountable.

What Does This Mean For Your Marriage?: It means that you will need to pay attention to a couple of things.  First, during what situations do you think he shuts down and pulls away from you? What is happening during this time or what circumstances surround his behavior?  Once you can pinpoint this, you can begin to eliminate the issues or circumstances that are causing him to feel this way.  Because frankly, once you can make him more content on a regular basis, it only makes sense that he is going to feel love for you most of the time and then drop the whole “sometimes I don’t love you” act.

A decent script for addressing this would be something like “well it hurts me to hear you say this because I still love you and our marriage.  But, I agree that there are some things that are not working and are frustrating.   Will you commit to working with me to eliminate these things so that we are both feeling loving all of the time instead of some of the time?”

It’s important not to lash out or place any blame.  Sure, this hurts, but you don’t want to get defensive so that you push him even further away. Instead, you want to facilitate a sense of cooperating and working together so that he actually moves closer to you rather than further away.  This most definitely doesn’t mean your marriage is over.  It just means that you need to take inventory. And you need to take action.

I wish I had taken some action when my husband started to say some of these types of things.  Unfortunately, I assured myself that he was just blowing off steam.  Eventually, things got so bad that we separated.  I had to use many of these principles to save my marriage.  In fact, I had to look at my marriage and my husband in an entirely different way.  If it helps, you can read about that entire emotional process on my blog http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives feel as if they cannot win with their husbands. Most feel that they are a good spouse, friend, and partner. But their husband often does not seem to agree.

A wife might comment: “I am just not sure what my husband wants or expects from me. The other day, he pouted and told me that he didn’t feel as if I paid enough attention to him or cared if he felt desired and loved. This, of course, is code for he does not think we have enough sex. He says he misses the playful person that he married. After this conversation, I looked at his internet history and I found that he had been on a morning radio website that features women in bikinis. So when he’s supposed to be working, he is logging on to stare at other women. I feel like he compares me to them and figures that I don’t add up. But how am I supposed to when I have to care for his children, cook his meals, clean up after him, and make sure that the household runs smoothly? And of course, I work too so that we can both have the lifestyle that we want. But I suppose that at the end of the day, I’m supposed to have enough energy to rock his world while being the best mom possible for his children. I suppose this requires that I be superwoman or something, but this is impossible. When I mention all of this to my husband, he says that he doesn’t expect all of this, But if this is so and he has no expectations, then why is he unhappy? And why is he complaining? Just what does he want from me? Because I’m getting really tired all the way around.”

These are questions that so many wives can identify with. I don’t know one wife and mother who doesn’t feel as is she is being pulled in a million different directions. And I knew very few that don’t compare themselves to others and worry that they have fallen short.

Obviously, I’m not a husband who can just give you a glimpse into his brain or into his thoughts. But I’ve talked with men about this. And I can tell you what many of them tell me in terms of what they want from their wives. I will share this with you below.

They Want To Feel Like You Completely Understand Them, But Don’t Judge Them For Their Flaws. Instead, They Want To Know That You Love Every Bit Of Them Instead: I have noticed a common theme among many men that I dialog with. And that is, they feel as if they have to put up a brave front to their wives. What I mean by this is that they have this perception (whether it is true or not) that if they let down their guard, you’re going to pinpoint their weaknesses. They feel as if they must be at their strongest and at their best at all times since they are theoretically the head of the family. This can put a lot of pressure on their shoulders and they often feel judged if they think their wife is the least bit critical.

More than anything, many of them want to be seen as a good provider and the rock and you and the family can always count on. But when you start to become unhappy or start to question even the small things, he can begin to wonder if you know something about his abilities that he doesn’t. Once this cycle starts, you might notice him start to become critical of you as a means of a defensive strategy. Often, neither of you is aware of what is happening. It’s not a conscious decision. It just happens.

And this is what I mean when I say that your husband can feel as if he needs to hide his true self from you.  So he exhibits escapism behavior like trolling around online. He’d like to be able to be totally honest and he’d like to be able to unload and tell you the things that are really bothering him. So, what he wants is a wife who is accepting of him no matter what. And when you start saying “what do you want from me?.” there’s an implication that he expects too much because he considers himself above reproach, which of course he isn’t. Anything that you can do to facilitate an accepting and open attitude is going to help.

He Wants To Feel Desired And Appreciated As Much As You Do: Women will often tell me that their husbands are self-centered because they want sex or attention when the wife is dead tired. I often hear comments like “doesn’t he know what I do all day? How could he even ask?” But I’ll bet if you stopped and asked yourself if you’d like for him to stop and listen to you at the end of that same day, your answer would be yes. The thing is, you might want attention in a way that manifests itself differently than sex. But you want his attention just the same.

At the end of the day, we all want to be noticed and appreciated. We want for our spouse to notice our troubles and our triumphs. We want for them to see all of those little things that we do and actually vocalize them. And yet, so few of us also take the time to notice what is right in front of us.  Men truly don’t expect us to be sex goddesses or to have perfect bodies. And, despite how it may feel, they don’t expect us to have sex all of the time. They just want to feel like we appreciate what they do and, as a result, desire them. And honestly, wives want this too. We just don’t always want him to show his appreciation through sex.  Just telling him how much you appreciate how hard he works and even giving him a back rub when that is all that you can muster will probably be noticed by him and will count.

They Want To Feel Like You Lift Them Up Rather Than Weigh Them Down: Remember when the husband told this wife he missed her playful attitude? What he probably meant was that he missed how she would lighten his load by seeing the funny or playful side of things.

It’s human nature to thrive in relationships that make you feel better above yourself. But, when you point out what is wrong rather than what is right, it becomes so draining for both of you. When you are telling your husband that he wants too much, then this brings you both down like a weight around your ankles. But when instead you say something like: “I’ve had a really long day. But let me put the kids to bed so we can talk about it and unwind,” then this changes the whole dynamic. Because instead of both of you focusing on how bad your day was, now you have set it up so that you both have a release and something to look forward to.

Men want to know that they can count on their wives to make things better because she loves them and wants the best for them. Of course, you want and deserve this from him also. But here’s something that is almost always true. The more you give him what he wants, the more that he will be more than happy to give you what you want so that you will keep on feeding the cycle and creating that win-win scenario that, at the end of the day, we all want.

Unfortunately, when my own husband seemed to want from me I didn’t understand these principles at the time. I told him that he expected too much and had unrealistic expectations, which lead to our separating.  It wasn’t until I put these principles into action that I was able to save our marriage and change the dynamic.  I still use these principles today and they work very well.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives who are overwhelmed at their husband’s latest assertion that he’s no longer in love with them. Often, these wives feel as if their whole world has stopped spinning on its axis. They aren’t even sure how to process this, much less to react to it. And coping? Well, that’s about a million miles down the road.

One of these wives could say: “for the last several months, my husband has seemed somewhat depressed and distant. I asked him about this numerous times, but he would never give me an answer or he would tell me that I was just imagining things. Finally, yesterday we got into a huge fight over something very stupid. And in a fit of anger, he yelled ‘you want to know why I’ve been acting so distant? Fine, I’ll tell you. I’m not in love with you anymore.’ I couldn’t even get any words of response out of my mouth. I am still somewhat in disbelief. I called in sick to work because I just don’t want to face people. How do you even cope with it when your husband is no longer in love with you?”

Unfortunately, I have been in this wife’s shoes. And I know that it is not pleasant. I know how it hurts. But it can and usually does get better. Below, I’ll offer some tips to help you to cope with this.

Know That He May Have Responded In Anger Or Frustration. His Negative Words May Be In Line With His Negative Feelings: Most of the time, when wives contact me after their husband has told them he’s not in love with them, this sudden assertion has come right after a fight or a huge loss. I’m not going to tell you that he didn’t mean these words, but I am going to tell you to try to put them into context.

The things that people say when they are extremely angry or frustrated aren’t always completely accurate. Instead, they are meant to get your attention, to wound you, or to prompt you to take some sort of action. Ask yourself if this is possible in your case. Because I can’t tell you how many husbands have confessed that they’ve told their wife they are no longer in love with her just to get her to pay attention or to get her to stop in her tracks.

Don’t Allow His Hurtful Words To Unleash A Destructive Course Of Action: Many wives are at first stunned to hear these words. Later, as they calm down, they may become quite hurt or even angry. And when they are in this state, they can lash out or they can assure their husband that they don’t love him either or that he’s quite a jerk for his newfound mouthiness.

And if this doesn’t get the response the wives were after, they will continue on with either words or actions meant to get back at their husband. While this might feel good at the time, all it really does is make things worse. The marriage can continue to be damaged further and further just because one or both spouses are either trying to get a reaction or are trying to get back at the other for some perceived pain or slight.

Don’t Do Anything Rash Even If This Feels Right At The Time: Many wives will immediately want to know if their husbands are going to seek a separation or divorce. Often, the husband isn’t sure or doesn’t know. Not all wives will settle for this answer. It’s very common for them to respond with something like “well if you’re going to divorce me anyway, then what are you waiting for? Why would you stay married to someone that you don’t love? I don’t need your pity.”

Of course, these words are said out of frustration. Often, the wife wants nothing more than for her husband to say that he was wrong and to assert that he doesn’t want a divorce. But this doesn’t always happen. Sometimes, he will take you up on your words, which is usually the last thing that you want. It is so important that you don’t push for a quick resolution if your husband or you still have doubts. Decisions made after negative assertions or emotions are often not sound decisions. These are often decisions that you will come to regret once you calm down.

Try To Surround Yourself With Things And People That Lift You Up While You’re Waiting For The Dust To Settle: Hopefully, I’ve shown you (at least somewhat) that you should give this some time before you act. As I’ve said, your husband could be motivated by all sorts of factors, including anger when he claimed he wasn’t in love with you. There’s just no way to know how true his words were at the time. So, while you are waiting for this to sort itself out, it’s so important that you don’t become depressed or stuck. Make sure that you surround yourself with positive people who love you. What you really want is to continue to keep a hopeful and positive outlook while not stopping or halting your life.

Because you want for your husband to see a positive, upbeat woman who is very capable and who is coping. This is going to be better for you and it is going to be much more attractive to your husband. I know that it is so easy to hole up in your room and to get very depressed. But this isn’t going to help your cause. It is going to make you feel worse and it is going to make your husband feel guilty so that he might avoid you. The whole process makes it less likely that your marriage is negatively affected rather than positively influenced.

I know that this advice may appear to be a little simplistic, but it helps to not overreact and to take this one step at a time. So to answer the question posed, coping when your husband claims that he’s no longer in love with you is a multifaceted process. It’s important that you don’t overreact and that you don’t retaliate with words you don’t really mean. Have patience and surround yourself with positive people, thoughts, and things. Remain as upbeat as you possibly can. And, quite frankly, you might find that your husband never meant those words at all (especially if he made these claims in anger.) Or, if he did, he will change his mind once he sees these improvements.

As you may have suspected, there was a time when my husband told me he wasn’t in love with me.  My response was so detrimental and desperate that we eventually separated and almost divorced.  It wasn’t until I completely changed tactics that I began to gain some ground. If it helps, you can read about the emotional turnaround on my blog http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people want clarification on the logistics of a trial separation.  Unfortunately, there’s no manual to tell you how this should work or what you should be doing.  Many people still hold out hope for their marriages even though they are separating temporarily.  To that end, they often know that they should spend quality time together.  But they are rarely sure how much time.

A wife might have an experience like this one: “my husband is insisting on a trial separation.  I don’t really want this, but he’s not really giving me a choice.   Luckily, he is saying that he would like to reconcile if it’s at all possible and he’s agreed to spend regular time with me during the separation.  My question is, how much time should be spent together? What is optimal?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

 There Are No Concrete Rules About The Frequency Of Seeing One Another During The Separation. It’s About Finding Balance:  I’ve gone through this myself and I have spoken with many couples who have been through a trial separation also.  Some see each other quite a bit and others hold back a little back because one or both of them want more space.  Both ways of approaching this can work as long as both people are in agreement with it.

I think that it is more important that both people are comfortable with and enthusiastic about the meetings rather than how often they occur.  Because if there is stress or turmoil, then it’s possible for someone to want to meet less frequently or to not be receptive during the meetings. And this is the last thing that you want, which leads me to my next point.

Finding A Balance Between Keeping In Touch And Giving Each Other Space:  One common reason that couples pursue a trial separation is that one of them needs or wants some space or some time apart.  And in this instance, if the other spouse is pushing too hard to always be in contact, then this can be a huge negative for the outcome.

On the other hand, some couples take the giving space idea so far that they lose some of the closeness and accountability.  There’s a real danger in losing touch so much that you expect or assume the worse.  For example, many wives tell me that when they don’t hear from their husbands for a while, they assume that he has started seeing someone else or that he is distancing himself from them.  This isn’t always the case and these assumptions could have been avoided by keeping in regular contact.

I do believe that it is important to keep in regular contact.  Without regular contact, awkwardness, suspicions, and doubts develop.  But each couple will define “regular” in different ways.

In the beginning, my husband and I saw each other every weekend, but I have to admit that he eventually felt that I was acting too clingy and too possessive and he made our meetings less frequent.  As a result, I became even more clingy and things went seriously wrong.  I had a lot of catching up to do and all of this could have been avoided.  I wish I had understood that the quality of the meetings was more important than the quantity of them.

It’s More Important That Your Time Together Is Meaningful: I really cannot stress enough that each meeting between you should go as well as is possible.  The whole idea is that you leave the meeting smiling and laughing so that you are both looking forward to the next encounter.  If some distance is necessary in order to make this possible, then that is truly OK.

I firmly believe it’s better to meet once a week, but then to anticipate the approaching days than to meet twice a week and to be rushed or not as receptive.  If you notice that things aren’t going as well as you had hoped or that your spouse doesn’t seem enthusiastic, ask yourself if you are pushing too hard or are requesting too much. Quality is so much more important than quantity in this case.  It is better to leave each other wanting more than to push yourself onto someone who is reluctant.

Don’t Put Yourself In The Position Where You’re The Only One Who Is Reaching Out:  I have to admit that it was pretty obvious that my husband was backing away when I began to get possessive.  It wasn’t as if I couldn’t see what was happening.  But I kept denying it because I couldn’t bear to see or communicate with my husband even less.  However, the more I became the only one who was initiating the contact, the less attractive I became to my husband.  I could literally feel him slipping away from me and I knew that I had to change course.

Frankly, it wasn’t until I backed up and allowed him input as to the pace and the frequency of our contact that things greatly improved.  Eventually, he began to pursue me a little and this is when things really changed and I started to believe that it was actually possible to save our marriage.  So, to answer the question posed, I would say that you need to keep in touch enough to feel connected and to diminish doubts and suspicions, but not so much that anyone is uncomfortable or reluctant.

As I said, my husband was not comfortable with the time commitment that I was demanding during our trial separation and this only made things worse. I changed course dramatically and frankly, I think this shocked my husband.  But you know what?  It worked because eventually, he was the one pursuing me.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Often, people separate because they hope that the time apart will help to make the course of their marriage more clear.  The hope is often that one or both of the spouses will realize that they miss one another and really do want or need to stay together.  But, this hope doesn’t always become a reality.  Sometimes, it seems that the distance continues to grow or, although things do not get worse, they don’t really get better either.  And, due to this lack of improvement, people can begin to ask themselves if their marriage is over.

A wife might say: “we have been separated for about four months.  It was always our plan that we would regroup and come back together.  But that hasn’t happened.  In fact, every week it seems as if we talk to one another and see one another less and less.   We don’t ever talk about our marriage or the future of it.  The other day, one of my friends said that my marriage is clearly over.  She said the only question is really which one of us is going to file for divorce and when this is going to happen. I don’t know why, but I was so hurt and shocked when she said that. How do you know that your marriage is over when you’re separated, especially when you don’t see each other regularly?”  I’ll try to honestly answer these questions in the following article.

I will freely admit that I’m not an objective person when it comes to this topic.  I was separated from my husband for months before he told me that he felt as if our marriage was over.  I disagreed.  I suspected that it wasn’t over for me and I hung on.  Eventually, we reunited and saved our marriage and today, I am very glad that I didn’t give up.  However, I concede that there are times when it is truly over.  From my observations, I have a definite opinion about what to look for to indicate that it’s over.  I’ll share these with you below.

Both Of You Feel That There’s Nothing Left To Fight For And You Have No Regrets:  I firmly believe that when your marriage is really and truly over, a sense of indifference washes over you.  There is almost a sense of peace.  No one is angry any longer.  There’s no animosity or regret because you know that your marriage has come to its natural end.  If you are not sure that you are at this place, ask yourself how you would feel if you saw your spouse kissing a new lover passionately or standing at the end of a church aisle waiting to get remarried.  When it isn’t over, these images will elicit some sort of feelings within you.  It may be jealousy.  It may be sorrow.  It may be regret.  But I feel that if you honestly feel nothing at these images, then perhaps the end is near for you.

The Idea Of Any Touching Your Spouse In Any Way Isn’t An Attractive Option: One exercise that I find extremely helpful for couples that have problems is touching while interacting.  And I don’t necessarily mean sexual touching.  It could be just touching shoulders or placing your hand over theirs.  But I find that it’s very hard not to listen to someone or to continue to bring angry with them when you are touching.  However, some couples are pretty turned off by the idea of this, even when I’m not talking about sexual touching.  They won’t even consider it.  And for these couples, I’m often concerned.  Because if you aren’t willing to simply touch, then your marriage has probably been damaged for quite some time. Further, if you can’t or won’t even touch your spouse, then it doesn’t seem as if you are willing to put even a minimal amount of time or effort into it.

You Aren’t Willing To Wait For Or Move Toward A Resolution: As I’ve alluded to, I was willing to wait as long as it took for my husband to come around.  My marriage was simply that important to me.  But, this isn’t true of anyone.  Some people lose their patience with this process and they are more interested in moving on than in waiting.  Or, they aren’t willing to put in the time or the hard work that is going to be necessary to save their marriage.  And this is their decision.  But it’s often one that indicates that their marriage might be over. But I believe that as long as one or both people are willing to do whatever it takes, or are actively moving toward a resolution, then that provides at least some hope.

In My Opinion, Strong Or Negative Feelings Don’t Necessarily Mean That Your Marriage Is Over: People often tell me that they feel strong anger, hatred, or resentment toward their spouse and so they worry that this means that their marriage is over.  They figure the stronger their negative feelings, the more likely that it is that things are coming to an end.  I disagree with this.  Even negative feelings can be strong feelings and they can indicate that you still care enough to feel.  Generally speaking, when it is truly over, you will feel indifference rather than negatively.

I have to admit that I wasn’t always confident that I could turn things around when my husband felt that it was over.  But I made a commitment to see it through until a divorce was final.  It wasn’t always an easy process but my determination paid off because we are still together and our problems are a thing of the past.  If it helps, you can read the whole story of how I saved my marriage my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Wives can be very disappointed that their marital separation is not going as well as they might have hoped.  Many had anticipated that the separation would make their husband miss them and, as the result, would bring them closer together.  However, unfortunately, sometimes the opposite happens and the wife finds the distance only growing.

One of these wives might say: “when my husband was pushing for a trial separation, he said that being separated would probably make us miss one another like crazy.  He repeatedly promised that he would keep in close contact with me on a daily basis.  And he made it sound like, although we would be living apart, we would still be spending time together and he would still represent to people that we are husband and wife.  Well, unfortunately, the opposite has happened.  The phone calls certainly aren’t an everyday occurrence. In fact, I often have to take the initiative and call him.  We have seen other a couple of times, but it’s certainly not a planned or reoccurring thing.  The other day, I happened to run into my husband at a coffee shop by our house.  He was there with one of our mutual friends. I felt certain that he would motion for me to join them, but he just waved at me and then continued on with his conversation and then, after a few minutes, he left.  I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that he’s most definitely distancing himself from me right now.  Why might he be doing this?   And what can I do about it?”  I’ll try to answer these concerns in the following article.

He Might Be Trying To Assert The Independence That He Still Feels He Needs: Men often push for separations because they feel that they need this time and space in order to determine how they really feel about their marriage.  They may also want to know what it feels like to live or to function alone.  Sometimes, through, they aren’t completely upfront about this because they know that if their wife suspects how much space they want, she is going to have her reservations about the separation.  So sometimes, they will try to make you believe that not a whole lot is going to change.  They’ll promise that you will see each other and communicate regularly.  They may even initially believe that this will be true.  But once the separation starts, they might find that they need or want more space and they want to assert some of their new found freedom before they make any rash decisions.

Sometimes, their wife is more clingy or demanding than they might have hoped.  In other words, they often really hoped that they would have some time to themselves, but then their wife is suddenly making demands on their time so they feel that they are going to need to create some distance in order to assert themselves.  So, this is their way of telling you to back up a little bit because they still need and want some space.  Now, does this mean that he’s never going to allow you to be close to him or that he’s never going to want to reach out to you during the separation? Not necessarily.  But it can mean that, for whatever reason, he’s still trying to get some distance or space and, in order to obtain this, he is currently distancing himself from you.

What Can You Do When He’s Distancing Himself? What Is The Best Option?: I know firsthand that it’s very tempting to try to push even harder.  I’m sure that when this wife saw her husband at that coffee shop, it was all she could do not to pull up a chair or to call after him and ask why was he leaving in such a rush. Often though, the harder you push, the more he is going to pull away.  And this is often a very damaging dynamic.  Because the wife feels more rejected and the husband feels more hesitant.  And then you can have a very vicious cycle on your hands where you fear the worst and you lose control of your feelings and your actions.

From my own experience, I would suggest that you be very calculated with your actions.  Ask yourself how often you and your husband committed to speak to or see one another.  Then commit to only reach out that often and nothing more.  You should not set it up so that you are the only one who is doing the reaching out.  You do not want to appear desperate or undesirable.  I know that this is very difficult. I know that sometimes you are  going to need to literally force yourself to back up a little bit.  But often when you reach out as you agreed and then back off when it is time to do so, you will find that your husband no longer needs to distance himself because he has no reason to avoid  you.  And sometimes, when you suddenly change your stance,  he will become curious and will begin reaching out to you.

Because ultimately, this is what you want – a balance.  It is preferable when both of you are initiating the meetings and the contact.  Because when you fear that you’re the only one who cares, it can feel like a rejection.  And it’s my belief that it can be a strategic mistake to introduce this dynamic into your separation. So to answer  the question posed, I believe that you should stick with the original plan if it is at all possible. If you agreed to talk or see each other once a week, then reach out at that time. But don’t push it too hard.  And if he is resistant, back off a little bit to see if this improves things.  Because continuing to push is often the worst thing that you can do, as your husband will only distance himself more.

My husband most definitely distanced himself during our separation.  And this induced panic in me.  I am not proud of my reaction and my behavior almost made a reconciliation impossible.  It wasn’t until I gained control over my feelings and myself that I was able to pull back.  And when I did, suddenly my husband was interested again.  If it helps, you can read that very emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  There are people who are having a hard time living together, but who don’t want to live apart.  Still, despite this reluctance, they realize that something has got to change because they have become very unhappy living together and the situation has become difficult, if not unhealthy.

Someone might explain: “my marriage has been going downhill for the past eight months or so. My husband and I just fight constantly and we can’t seem to find much common ground.  It has gotten to a point where we’re fighting in front of our children, which I absolutely do not want to continue. Last night, my husband said it feels as if things are spiraling out of control and that maybe we should live apart, at least for a while.  This is a very difficult decision for me.  I don’t want for my children to live apart from their father.  But we just can’t seem to get along.  If I had my way, I would want for us to stay together.  But I don’t know how it’s possible to stay together when we fight the way that we do.  My kids are my biggest concern in making this decision, but I still just cannot decide.”

I understood how this felt.  There was a time when my husband and I were considering ending our marriage.  (Actually, he was strongly leaning toward calling it quits while I was pretty clear on the fact that I wanted to stay together, but, at the time, I couldn’t see what we needed to do in order to make it work.)  From experience and research, I believe that there are a couple of things to consider when making this very important decision, which I’ll discuss below.

How Harmful Is Staying Together? How Harmful Is Living Apart?:  I sometimes hear from people who are in a marriage that is clearly abusive or emotionally hurtful to them.  In this case, I believe that it is more beneficial to live apart.  You should never put yourself in physical or emotional danger.  Luckily, most of the people that I hear from are having issues with getting along, but things have not risen to the level of abuse or harm.  Typically, they would never hurt or damage one another, but they are having difficulty navigating some issues so that the same issues keep coming up and causing arguments.

In this case, you may want to ask yourself which would be more beneficial to the people who matter the most.  In this case, the couple was having trouble living harmoniously. The wife hated fighting in front of her kids, which was commendable.  But she needed to ask herself a couple of new questions.  Because right now, she was trying to evaluate if her kids were going to be better off living without their father or having their parents together but fighting.  I felt very strongly that she needed to add one very important additional question.  She had never asked herself if it were possible for them to deal with their problems once and for all or learn new behaviors that made it so that they didn’t need to argue all of the time.

As unbelievable as it may sound, this is very common.  People sometimes evaluate their choices of living together or splitting up, but they never consider the choice of actually working things out once and for all, which leads me to my next point.

Are You Willing To Do What Is Necessary To Learn How To Successfully Live Together?:  As you might have gathered, personally I believe that the best scenario (if it is at all possible) is to make whatever changes and adjustments are necessary so that you can not only keep your marriage intact but to be happy and fulfilled within it.   This may require for you to break down your problems and to work through them once and for all.  It may require for you to learn new behaviors or reactions.  And it may require for you to strengthen the bond and the intimacy that you have as a couple.  (I find that once couples reestablish a close bond with intimacy and empathy, then it is much easier to work through any problems.)  And, if you are willing to do all of these things, then the payoff is great.  Because you don’t have to worry about all of the issues, the fighting, and the frustration anymore.  I don’t mean to oversimplify things, but so many couples don’t even entertain the idea of learning a new and better way to interact with one another.  I am living proof that it is not only possible, but it is completely worth it.

An Alternative To Making A Rushed Decision:  People often feel very pressured when they are in this situation.  They feel as if they are dealing with an either/or scenario where they have to go down one path or another, but not both.  If you can’t get along with your spouse or find that one or both of you would like a break, then I would suggest a live-in separation.  What does this mean? It means that you don’t need to make a quick or rash decision about staying together or living apart.  You can give one another a break or some space without anyone needing to move out.  Frankly, once someone moves out, this sometimes changes the relationship in a negative way that sometimes cannot be overcome.

You can always exist in separate bedrooms, live in different parts of the house, or just commit to giving one another more space until things calm down.  Of course, all of this should be done with the understanding that once things do calm down after you’ve both taken a break, that you will come together with the joint goal of improving your marriage to the point where no one is considering living apart.

I wish my husband and I had pursued a live-in separation because it was very hard to lure him back home once he had moved out.  I had to learn a whole new way of interacting with him and this was sometimes difficult.  But, in the end, it has been well worth it.  If it helps can you can read the whole emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives are having a very difficult time coping after their husband has left them to pursue a trial separation.  They often aren’t sure how to constructively fill their time.  And they can find themselves always thinking about and dwelling on their husband and on their marriage.  Time seems to stand still and you start to count the minutes until you are in touch with him again or you wonder how you are ever going to make it without him.

One might say: “When my husband told me that he wanted to move out and pursue a trial separation, he assured me that it was only temporary.  He said that I should try to take advantage of the time alone to see my family and friends.  He said that this would both give us more free time.  I knew that things weren’t going to easy.  I knew that I could possibly have a hard time.  But I had no idea how miserable I was truly going to be.  Every day is a challenge.  I miss him so much.  I try not to call him too much, but I find it hard to hold back.  I haven’t spent a lot of time with friends like I anticipated because I just don’t feel like going out or being around people.  I am so focused on when he’s going to come back that I can’t think of anything else.  And, I know that this probably isn’t helping, but I can’t seem to help it.”

I could really identify.  Because I felt the same way when my husband left me for a separation.  There were days when I would just go to bed before it was even all that dark outside because that was easier than looking around and seeing everything that reminded me of him.  I sort of just sleepwalked through my days.  And, every chance I got, I made sure my husband knew how miserable I was and how hard this all was for me.  But you know what? My misery actually made the separation worse.  It only made my husband want to be around me less.  And when he came around less, I clung even tighter, which just made it less likely that we would reconcile.  So it was a vicious cycle. It wasn’t until I was able to gain more control over this process that things improved dramatically.  In fact, I’m strongly convinced that regaining control is one of the things that helped me save my marriage.  So, in the following article, I’m going to offer some tips for those wives who are miserable during the trial separation.

Do Whatever You Need To Do To Distract Yourself:  Here’s the thing.  The more you concentrate on your misery, the more miserable you are going to be.  It is a vicious cycle and it often will not stop until you take control of it and force it to stop.  The more you find yourself thinking “wow. I am so miserable,” the more accurate this thought it going to be.  So you will often need to do something to disrupt this cycle.  And one of the most effective ways to do this is to distract yourself so that you are not constantly dwelling on your misery.  Of course you miss your husband.  Of course your marriage isn’t going your way right now.  But these things could change.  However, your constantly watching the clock and focusing on what is wrong is not going to bring about change.  Being proactive and positive is going to bring about change.

I know that finding a distraction can be a challenge.  Things got so bad for me that I went back home hundreds of miles away in order to force a distraction.  Eventually, I began to reach out to others.  I started volunteering and surrounding myself with positive people.  When I started to get all introspective and bordered on misery, I would try to journal the things I still had to be very grateful for.  I tried to make myself more positive in both appearances and outlook and frankly, this made my husband interested again because he no longer had to worry about seeing me so unhappy and knowing that he was the cause.

It’s Better To Initially Fake It Than To Show Your Husband How Miserable You Are: The phrase “misery loves company” is not true in this case.  It’s my opinion that husbands are less likely to want to be around you when they know that you are miserable due to the separation that they wanted.  So even if you are having a really hard time and can’t remember being this miserable in a very long time, it’s important that you don’t spell this out for your husband.  Of course he probably knows this isn’t your choice and that you are not happy about it, but there is no need to dwell on it.

Instead, you should try to look on the bright side or show the best side of yourself when you are around him.  Because no one wants to be around someone who they know is going to continuously bring them down.  You know the phrase “fake it until you make it?”  Well, I’ve found that to be very good advice.  Sometimes, you literally have to plaster a fake smile on your face.  But you know what? You’ll often find people willing to smile back at you.  And suddenly you will feel just a little bit better.  If you repeat this process, you’ll find that you’re actually attracting some peace and happiness to you.  In the same way that the misery is a cycle, so is the positive attitude.

And that’s not even the best part.  It’s not at all unusual for your husband to also be attracted to your much-improved attitude.  At the very least, he is much more likely to be receptive to someone who is positive instead of someone who is miserable. I know firsthand that you’re going through a very hard time.  But try very hard not to get caught up in the negativity.  Find things to be grateful for and put a smile on your face.  Because you deserve an improvement to your situation and you have more control than you think.

As I said, when my husband left me, I was so very miserable and I wasn’t shy about expressing this.  But it soon became apparent that my posturing was more of a detriment to our marriage than our true problems were. Once I changed the image I was projecting, things changed dramatically.  Yes, I had to force myself to do this.  And yes, sometimes it did feel forced.  But eventually, as things improved, it became much more genuine.  And this is when things began to turn around.  If it helps, you can read the whole emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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