Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  There are people who are having a hard time living together, but who don’t want to live apart.  Still, despite this reluctance, they realize that something has got to change because they have become very unhappy living together and the situation has become difficult, if not unhealthy.

Someone might explain: “my marriage has been going downhill for the past eight months or so. My husband and I just fight constantly and we can’t seem to find much common ground.  It has gotten to a point where we’re fighting in front of our children, which I absolutely do not want to continue. Last night, my husband said it feels as if things are spiraling out of control and that maybe we should live apart, at least for a while.  This is a very difficult decision for me.  I don’t want for my children to live apart from their father.  But we just can’t seem to get along.  If I had my way, I would want for us to stay together.  But I don’t know how it’s possible to stay together when we fight the way that we do.  My kids are my biggest concern in making this decision, but I still just cannot decide.”

I understood how this felt.  There was a time when my husband and I were considering ending our marriage.  (Actually, he was strongly leaning toward calling it quits while I was pretty clear on the fact that I wanted to stay together, but, at the time, I couldn’t see what we needed to do in order to make it work.)  From experience and research, I believe that there are a couple of things to consider when making this very important decision, which I’ll discuss below.

How Harmful Is Staying Together? How Harmful Is Living Apart?:  I sometimes hear from people who are in a marriage that is clearly abusive or emotionally hurtful to them.  In this case, I believe that it is more beneficial to live apart.  You should never put yourself in physical or emotional danger.  Luckily, most of the people that I hear from are having issues with getting along, but things have not risen to the level of abuse or harm.  Typically, they would never hurt or damage one another, but they are having difficulty navigating some issues so that the same issues keep coming up and causing arguments.

In this case, you may want to ask yourself which would be more beneficial to the people who matter the most.  In this case, the couple was having trouble living harmoniously. The wife hated fighting in front of her kids, which was commendable.  But she needed to ask herself a couple of new questions.  Because right now, she was trying to evaluate if her kids were going to be better off living without their father or having their parents together but fighting.  I felt very strongly that she needed to add one very important additional question.  She had never asked herself if it were possible for them to deal with their problems once and for all or learn new behaviors that made it so that they didn’t need to argue all of the time.

As unbelievable as it may sound, this is very common.  People sometimes evaluate their choices of living together or splitting up, but they never consider the choice of actually working things out once and for all, which leads me to my next point.

Are You Willing To Do What Is Necessary To Learn How To Successfully Live Together?:  As you might have gathered, personally I believe that the best scenario (if it is at all possible) is to make whatever changes and adjustments are necessary so that you can not only keep your marriage intact but to be happy and fulfilled within it.   This may require for you to break down your problems and to work through them once and for all.  It may require for you to learn new behaviors or reactions.  And it may require for you to strengthen the bond and the intimacy that you have as a couple.  (I find that once couples reestablish a close bond with intimacy and empathy, then it is much easier to work through any problems.)  And, if you are willing to do all of these things, then the payoff is great.  Because you don’t have to worry about all of the issues, the fighting, and the frustration anymore.  I don’t mean to oversimplify things, but so many couples don’t even entertain the idea of learning a new and better way to interact with one another.  I am living proof that it is not only possible, but it is completely worth it.

An Alternative To Making A Rushed Decision:  People often feel very pressured when they are in this situation.  They feel as if they are dealing with an either/or scenario where they have to go down one path or another, but not both.  If you can’t get along with your spouse or find that one or both of you would like a break, then I would suggest a live-in separation.  What does this mean? It means that you don’t need to make a quick or rash decision about staying together or living apart.  You can give one another a break or some space without anyone needing to move out.  Frankly, once someone moves out, this sometimes changes the relationship in a negative way that sometimes cannot be overcome.

You can always exist in separate bedrooms, live in different parts of the house, or just commit to giving one another more space until things calm down.  Of course, all of this should be done with the understanding that once things do calm down after you’ve both taken a break, that you will come together with the joint goal of improving your marriage to the point where no one is considering living apart.

I wish my husband and I had pursued a live-in separation because it was very hard to lure him back home once he had moved out.  I had to learn a whole new way of interacting with him and this was sometimes difficult.  But, in the end, it has been well worth it.  If it helps can you can read the whole emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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