Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many people in the middle of a trial separation feel as if they have the tougher side of the situation.  Often, the spouse who remains in the home (with all of the responsibilities) feels that the spouse who has moved out (and now seems to have more freedom) has the easier situation.

A wife might say: “about three weeks ago, my husband moved out for a trial separation.  I didn’t really want this, but he was relentlessly pushing for it, and it was pretty clear to me that I had no choice but to comply.  So I admit that I already have a little resentment that I’ve been forced into a separation.  But lately, I’ve been feeling even angrier because I feel like he got the easier end of the deal.  He’s living in a low maintenance condo without many responsibilities.  He gets to explore living on his own while I’m stuck here with all of the household and parental responsibilities.  When I have to drag the trash to the curb, I’m furious. Because I realize that I’m stuck with all of his chores while he’s living a much more carefree lifestyle.  The other day, I was at my kid’s sporting events all alone and I realized that there was something extremely wrong with this picture.  So I mentioned my resentment to my husband and told him that I felt he was living a very stress-free lifestyle while I was stuck with all of the chores.  He got upset and said that I was wrong because he wasn’t having a completely easy time.  I don’t believe this for a second.  Who is right? Doesn’t the spouse who moves out have an easier time?”  I’ll tell you my opinion on this in the following article.

Who Has An Easier Time During The Separation Depends Upon How You Are Looking At It:  I will admit that when I was the wife who was living at home without my husband, I strongly felt that he was the one with the easier life.  After all, I was the one left to pick up the pieces in our home where everything that I looked at reminded me of him and caused me pain.  I thought he was living the fun life in an apartment.  But, now that we have long been back together when he talks about those days, he doesn’t talk about them longingly.  Sure, there might be some excitement in the initial days of leaving the marital turmoil.  But you’re talking about someone who is living somewhere that they know is not their home.  Things around them are unfamiliar.  They don’t have the family pets or the children to offer them comfort and familiarity.

Yes, the flip side of that is that they also do not have the responsibilities.  But many will tell you that they feel extremely guilty about this.  Sometimes, they wish that they did have those responsibilities because this would mean that everything would be normal once again.  I have to admit that over time, my opinion on this has changed.  Very few separated men who I talk to are living a carefree and blissfully happy lifestyle.  Many feel conflicted, quite guilty, and unsure as to how they can make their wife see that they aren’t partying and shirking their responsibilities on a daily basis.  The truth is, I don’t believe that anyone has a completely easy time during the trial separation.  Each person faces some loneliness, some sadness, and a sense of things being foreign.

What Matters More Than Who Is Having The Easier Time: I do completely acknowledge how difficult it is to live alone and to take on the household responsibilities when your husband has moved out.  It’s a hard job and your new life can feel extremely devastating.  But it can be a mistake to assume that he has it easy or that he is not conflicted or struggling.  Keep in mind that he is in a foreign place that will often feel very awkward to him.  He is often lonely, guilty, and unsure.  He may not always admit this but it is often the case.

And, regardless of who is having the easier time, I’m sure that you would agree that the ideal would be to set all of this score keeping aside so that he can come home and you can save your marriage.  And know that if you dwell too much on easy his life is, you might alienate him to the point where he is reluctant to reach out to you or to come home.  So, it is important to realize that what is truly important is finding a way to move past this and to move on with your lives and your marriage.  So, as difficult as it may be, you are much better off worrying less about how difficult or easy each of you has it, and worrying much more about ending the separation.

When I made it clear that I thought my husband had the easier deal when we were separated, he greatly resented this and it made things much worse between us.  I had to back up completely and try a completely new strategy in order to save my marriage.  If it helps you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many women aren’t sure how their husbands have come to the conclusion that they are no longer in love with them.  Many of these husbands have made this announcement seemingly out of the blue and without any warning.  As a result, the wives are sometimes a bit suspicious of the underlying causes.  They wonder how he knows for sure he is no longer in love and they’d very much like to pinpoint what he’s basing his assertions upon.

A wife might explain: “a couple of weeks ago, my husband told me that he was no longer in love with me.  This took me completely off guard because there was no real warning about this.  Just a couple of months ago, we celebrated our anniversary and he was very loving to me.  We share most everything and he hasn’t seemed off or weird to me.  So I just cannot imagine what he is basing this on.  I tried to ask him how he knew he didn’t love me anymore and his reply as ‘I just know.’  I then responded ‘how, exactly do you know?’ And he said that it was hard to explain but that he was sure of his feelings.  So my question is how do men know that they are no longer in love.  What do they base this on?  Because I admit that I don’t get goose bumps every time I look at my husband any more either, but I still love him.  Because my expectations are realistic.  But I have the feeling that his are not.”   I will respond to these questions in the following article.

Men Often Base Their Claims That They’re No Longer In Love On Subjective Things That Are Hard To Define:  Society seems to have a perception that women’s feelings of love are based on subjective emotions while men’s are not.  I don’t believe that this is true.  Because I dialog with a lot of men in this situation on my blog and when they are talking about no longer being in love with their wife, they’ll give reasons like they no longer feel as close to her, they live as if they were roommates, or the spark is no longer there.

Quite interestingly, these are often the exact same reasons that wives give for falling out of love with their husbands.  However, with this said, it’s often pretty easy to pick up on some key differences between husbands and wives when it comes to being “in love” with their spouse.  And that is that wives tend to hang on for much longer if they feel that things are beginning to deteriorate.  While a wife might wonder if her husband is enhancing her life or holding it back, she’s much more likely to hold off on making a judgement call until some time has gone by. I am not going to tell you that this is true of all men or of all women.  But I have definitely noticed that although both wives and husbands cite the same reasons for falling out of love, women are less likely to act on this than men are. Now that I’ve made that point, I’ll go over some common reasons that men make for no longer being in love.

“We Just Don’t Have The Chemistry Anymore.”  Or, “I’m No Longer Physically Attracted To Her:”  I am sure that you suspect that men will give sexual or physical reasons for falling out of love.  And you would be right about that.  It’s not uncommon for a man to tell you that the spark is gone or that the attraction has waned.  And believe me, this hurts.  But it may help to know that sometimes when the marriage improves and when both people place their focus on creating more physical intimacy, these sparks can absolutely reignite.  So as hurtful as it can be to hear him use this reasoning, this is something that absolutely can be overcome.

“She Brings Me Down.  I Feel Tied Down Because Of Her:”  This is a common one also.  And, it’s my opinion that a husband will sometimes use this as an excuse when life is not going his way. Perhaps he hasn’t progressed far enough along with his career.  Or, he has given up his dreams.  Or he doesn’t make time for fun and adventure.  Of course, he is disappointed in all of these things.  But instead of taking responsibility for them, he blames the person who is most convenient – his wife.  Unfortunately, pointing this out usually won’t get you very far.  Instead, you’ll often do better to make it clear that you support him in whatever he feels that he needs to do.

“We’re Just Not Compatible.  We Fight All The Time:”  Here’s another common one.  People often find that the stressors of day to day life erodes their bond and causes them to lash out at one another rather than supporting and reassuring one another.  Also, couples can get into bad or destructive habits and not even realize that this is happening.  They get used to lashing out or  fighting and so these ways of communicating or interacting become ways of living that become commonplace until someone finally realizes that things have gone too far.  Again though, if you can learn new ways of interacting or communicating, you can overcome this as well.

“I Just Want A Fresh Start.  I Don’t Want To Be Married Anymore:”  This one is particularly frustrating because the wife hasn’t necessarily done anything wrong.  It’s just that the husband feels as if his life isn’t going the way that he wants it to so that he equates distancing himself from his wife as the “fresh start” that he needs.  And when he begins to feel this way and begins to pull away, he can become sure that he no longer loves his wife when it may be that he just no longer loves the life that he himself has created for himself.

What Can You Do If You’re Hearing These Things?:  First, keep things in perspective.  As you can see from the above, many of these reasons are subjective and don’t have anything to do with you.  However, you can take control by fixing those problems that you can change.  For example, if he’s saying the chemistry isn’t there, then that is something that you can address.  But if he’s saying he wants a fresh start, then you are better off being patient, supportive and waiting for him to realize that he’s wrong and he’s unfair.  Because unfortunately, when he’s right in the middle of this identity crisis, he often will not listen to reason.  So you are usually much better off appearing supportive rather than arguing, being accusatory, or letting him know how selfish you think he’s being.

My husband gave many of the above reasons when he told me he didn’t love me in the way that he used to and we separated.  And, I had to address many of these issues before we could save our marriage.  If it helps, you can read about how I overcome these things on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are very confused about what their husband is saying in regards to his love for them.  Often, the marriage has been struggling and the husband has become a bit distant.  So the wife asks if he still loves her, expecting to get a sweet response or some reassurance.  Instead, she can get a response that is truly baffling.

She might explain: “my husband and I have been fighting really badly for the past six months.  His mom has been sick and staying with us and that has caused a good deal of stress.  He leaves me to take care of her and although I try not to mind, I feel like he’s a bit selfish to put this all on me.  So, we have been saying mean, sarcastic things to one another and we rarely have sex or physical contact.  The other day, we were arguing and I said something like: ‘I don’t know why you’re so upset.  You don’t even care about me anymore anyway.  You don’t even love me anymore.’  And he quickly replied ‘I do still love you, but I wish I didn’t.’ This shocked me on a couple of levels.  First, I was shocked that he insisted that he still loves me.  But I don’t get why he would say that he wishes he didn’t.  What does this mean?”

While I didn’t know the particular husband in this situation and I couldn’t read his mind, I do get a sense of why a man might say this.  I will share some of those insights with you below.

As Weird As His Assertion May Be, It’s Reassuring That He Was Quick To Say That He Still Loves You: I understand why this wife was so confused and frustrated by the situation.  But, I can’t tell you how many husbands would have taken the opportunity to deny that they loved their wife, especially in times of high stress.  So, the fact that he almost immediately reassured her that he actually did still love her was a very good sign.  Of course, the wife felt that this was negated by his saying that he wished he didn’t.  And yes, that’s a pretty nasty thing to say.  But, in his own mind, he might have valid reasons, which I will discuss now.

He May Feel As If He Would Be Less Conflicted Emotionally If He Didn’t Still Love You:  People often assume that when a marriage is struggling, a man really isn’t that negatively affected emotionally, especially when compared to a woman.  This isn’t always the case.  Sometimes, men feel a great deal of loss and stress when their marriage is struggling.  Add this to the stress that this husband was already feeling because of his mother and his statement is a little more understandable.  Also, remember that he made this statement in the heat of the moment when he was likely angry and frustrated.  But what he likely meant was it would be easier for him emotionally if he no longer loved his wife because if he didn’t, the marriage’s struggles wouldn’t bother him so much.  And, if he didn’t love his wife, he could just end this sadness, turmoil, and stress by walking out on her.  But, because he still loved her, he couldn’t do that so easily.

Allowing His Careless Comment To Turn A Negative Into A Positive:  Make no mistake about it.  This wife was hurt. And she was angry.  She was stressed out about his mother and she was saddened by what was happening to her marriage. But, nothing said that she couldn’t regain control of the situation.  As I saw it, she had two choices.  She could do nothing and allow the marriage to continue to buckle under the stress.  Or, she could be happy that, although her husband had made a snide commit, he did affirm his love for her and she could vow to get her marriage back on track and to try to save it.  Because deep down, she still loved her husband.  If she didn’t, she wouldn’t be as upset as she was by his comment.  Yes, it hurt.  Yes, it was unfortunate that his mother’s illness caused stress.  But your marriage is meant to help to isolate you from life’s stressors and to be your safe haven.  With a little work and some determination, they could get that back.

So to answer the question posed, a man can mean any number of things when he says he loves you but wishes he didn’t.  However, if you want to save your marriage, I feel it’s best to place your focus on the fact that he still loves you and then try to eliminate the reasons that, for right now only, he wishes that he didn’t.

I wish that I’d understood these principles when my husband and I were having problems.  Things escalated to the point where not only did he doubt his love for me, but he moved out.  It wasn’t until I understood the male psychology that I was able to turn things around.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Wives are sometimes frustrated because their husband has told them that he is unsure about the marriage, but he is dragging his feet when it comes to making a firm decision.  As a result, the wife can feel as if her life is on hold. She doesn’t know if she’s going to have to resign herself to a divorce or if she should be trying to save or fight for her marriage.

She might say: “about three months ago, my husband told me that he was no longer sure about our marriage.  I asked him what this meant and what he intended to do.  He said that he wasn’t sure.  He said he just needed some time to think about things and then he would let me know when he had come to a decision. Well, that has been months ago.  Since that time, we’ve had some good days and some not so good days. And yet regardless of how things are going, he still has yet to decide what he wants to do.  The other day, I once again asked him when he thought he might come to a decision and he said that he didn’t know.  This is so frustrating.  I’m not sure if I’m really in a committed marriage or not.  I feel like I’m in limbo.  I want him to come to a decision because I am tired of waiting.  I’ve thought of giving him a time deadline or ultimatum.  I’ve thought of trying to make him jealous with other guys. I’ve thought about telling him that I too have some decisions to make.  But I haven’t done any of these things because I still love him and don’t want a divorce.  But I’m getting so sick of waiting.  What can I do?”  I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.

Waiting For A Possible Positive Answer Is Better Than Pushing For A Swift Negative One:  I do understand this frustration. When I was waiting for my husband to decide if he was coming home after we separated, it was the longest wait of my life.  So, I completely get the anxiety that wives feel.  But, I also know that sometimes if you push too hard too soon, he will feel compelled to give you a swift answer that you might not like.  As hard as it is, I personally think that it’s better to have patience and to hold out for the answer that you want (that he wants to save your marriage) rather than pushing so hard that you get the answer you’re dreading (that he wants to end your marriage.)

Place Your Focus On Stacking The Odds In Your Favor:  I believe from my own experience that a lot of the frustration in this situation comes from a lack of control.  It’s very frustrating to feel as if you are at the mercy of his decision and that your hands are basically tied until then.  But, you do have more control than you think.  Here’s what you need to understand.  He likely doesn’t feel so badly about your marriage that he needs or wants to walk away.  If he did, he likely would have come to a negative decision already and acted on it.  His inability to act tells me that he’s torn because there are some feelings of love and commitment left.

So, you have to understand that this is something that is very much in your favor. In fact, this is a foundation upon which you can build.  I know that it’s difficult to try to strengthen and rebuild your marriage when you know that he has doubts.  But this is better than trying to rebuild your marriage once he’s already moved out (which is what I had to do.)  Believe it or not, you do have some advantages here.  You still live with your husband and have easy access to him.  And this woman had admitted that she and her husband  had some good days during this time period.  So the real key was to continue to have good times and to eliminate the bad times.  Ask yourself what might be leading to his doubts and then try to address or eliminate them in a very positive way that strengthens your marriage at the same time.

So my answer to the question posed is that it’s my opinion that you shouldn’t try to “make” or “push” your husband into a decision about your marriage.  Instead, experience tells me that you are better off taking control of the situation and setting up your marriage so that there’s absolutely no question that he wants to stay in the marriage because it has transformed into one that makes you both happy.  And when you are both happy and fulfilled, why would he decide to leave?

I wish I had understood these principles before my own husband moved out.  I didn’t really understand them until I was facing a divorce.  And, eventually, they worked quite well once I understood basic human nature and how I could make him pursue me.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By:  Leslie Cane:  I often hear from women who either believe or know that their husband is no longer in love with them. And yet, he’s still their husband. Usually, at this stage, he hasn’t made any attempts to separate or divorce. And the wife will often wonder why this is so.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I are very good friends with our next door neighbors. He hangs out with the husband next door and I hang out with the wife. Well, my friend called me yesterday morning and told me that my husband had told her husband that he was no longer in love with me. She said that they were at the gym working out when they started talking about their marriages. And at that point, my husband just blurted out that he hasn’t felt in love with me for months. Well, this is news to me. I know that this couple wouldn’t lie to me. If they’re telling me that my husband said this, then I believe them. But what confuses me the most is that he hasn’t mentioned this to me, nor has he said anything about moving out, separating, or divorcing. I wouldn’t want to be married to someone I don’t love. Our marriage hasn’t always been perfect, but I know that I still love him, even if he doesn’t still love me. So why would a man stay married if he is no longer in love with his wife?” I’ll do my best to answer this question in the following article.

There are several reasons that a man might not be making any sudden decisions or actions when he feels his love lessening for his wife. I will discuss some of them below.

He May Still Hold Out Hope That Things Will Get Much Better: Frankly, I give this husband a lot of credit for not acting in a rash way. I agree that it was a bad idea for him to tell his friend about his feelings instead of telling his wife. But, at least he hadn’t walked out, distanced himself, or asked for a separation or a divorce. This isn’t the case for all men or for all marriages. Some will take swift action as soon as they notice the slightest change in feelings.

It was possible that this husband hadn’t said anything or taken any action because he was hopeful that with some time or attention, his marriage could get back on track. And because of this, he didn’t want to upset his wife or cause panic before he tried to fix things on his own.

He May Be Thinking Of Your Family: Many people with children will not walk out because of those same children. Some of them are children of divorce themselves who don’t want their own children to go through what they went through. And many will want to try counseling or other methods of saving their marriage first before they just declare their marriage over because of their changing feelings. Luckily, many men realize that they can fall back in love just as easily as they fell out of it.

Many Intuitively Realize That There Might Be Something Else Contributing To Their Unhappiness: Sometimes when people are unhappy in their marriage, they will immediately blame their spouse, their spouse’s actions or behaviors, of their lack of or changing feelings for their spouse. But often once they have had the chance to reflect, they might begin to suspect that there is more at play than just their spouse. It’s no coincidence that many people become unhappy with their marriage when they are going through stress, a mid-life crisis, or a major life change. Most people know (at least somewhere deep inside) that their unhappiness isn’t completely their spouse’s fault. And therefore, it wouldn’t be fair to separate while other things are at play. And frankly, many hope that once the stresses in their life diminish or disappear, this is going to help your marriage also.

Some Men Are Planning And Strategizing For Your Future Marriage Today: I’ll make one last point, although this is the possibility that I least want to be true. Some men stay married to the wives who they aren’t in love with because they know that it is only temporary. Some are planning to leave once the kids are grown, once they save some money, at or a more convenient time. And, some just want to wait and see what happens before they take any drastic steps.

So What Does All Of This Mean?: Of course, how you handle this will depend upon which of the above reasons may be applicable to your own husband. But notice that, no matter which scenario applies to you, there is still time. What I mean by this is that he’s not yet left your home. He’s not yet filed for divorce or asked for a separation. All this means that you still have time to improve your marriage, address this appropriately, and change things.

I know first hand that it is extremely upsetting to hear that your husband is no longer in love with you when you’re still married. But do you know what is worse? To hear that not only is he no longer in love with you but that he no longer wants to be married. So rather than asking why he’d stay married to you, please be grateful that he is. And be very thankful that you still have time to bring the love back in your marriage. You both deserve to be happy and feel loved and you have the chance to ensure that this happens. Not everyone has that chance.

Not all women have that luxury.  I sure didn’t.  Once my husband told me his feelings had changed, he abruptly moved out.  I had a difficult time restoring his love until I learned how to turn the tables somewhat.  If it helps, you can read about the strategy that worked on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people are grappling with whether or not they want a separation.  They often are still invested in their marriage but things have gotten so difficult that they wonder if separating or taking a break will improve things.  But, it’s relatively rare for both spouses to be on board with this.  Typically, one spouse is open to the idea (or pursuing it) while the other spouse is trying to talk them out of it.  Sometimes, ultimatums are given, which can make things even more difficult.

One spouse might explain: “our marriage hasn’t been good for a couple of years.  My husband has become sullen, sarcastic, and even mean-spirited at times.  He has had a lot of stress at his job and he is the only one who works so I try to be supportive.  But his attitude has taken a toll on me. And recently, I’ve suggested that we separate for a while.  His brother recently divorced and he has a huge house all to himself.  I suggested that my husband stays with his brother for a while since he has plenty of room.  My husband didn’t take this well.  He said he thinks that a separation is too drastic.  He said that if I push this and he moves out or we separate, then he’s never coming back.  So he’s pushing me to decide right now what I want to do about our marriage.  Because apparently, I’m not allowed to take a break.  And if I try to, he’s leaving and not coming back.  What can I do?  At this point, I’m not at a place where I want to end my marriage.  But I need some time and I need a perspective.”  I’ll try to offer some insights in the following article.

Understand Why You Might Be Hearing Ultimatums:  The wife in this situation was a little shocked at her husband’s hard stance.  Normally, he wasn’t the type to give ultimatums.  It was more his style to pout or to remain silent, but he rarely took a hard stance like this.  The reason that people who are normally not this assertive might suddenly come out with an ultimatum is because of fear.  They are usually so afraid of your moving out and of the separation so they try to force your hand.  In fact, I’d be willing to bet that the husband worries that once the separation happens, his wife is never coming back to him.  So he tries to beat her to it and threaten that he himself will never come back.  He may not even mean this or know that he could never go through with it.  But he’s hoping that the wife will back off on the separation.

You Have To Decide How Necessary The Separation Truly Is: This wife seemed pretty clear on the fact that right now, she didn’t want a divorce.  But she clearly felt that, without some sort of intervention, things would continue to deteriorate.  The thing is, there are other possible interventions that don’t necessarily mean a separation.  You can get a break or an intervention without someone needing to move out.  You can live in separate areas of the house, sleep in separate beds, or have one of you stay at a hotel for a few days.  Because sometimes, when one person actually moves out for an undetermined amount of time, that can be a sort of line in the sand, or for some, the point of no return.

So, since this wife said  that she didn’t want a divorce, she might want to ask herself if there was any way to accomplish the break in another way.  Sometimes, a separation is the last stop before a divorce.  So it may be a good idea to just ask yourself if perhaps you aren’t there yet.  This couple hadn’t yet tried counseling or having a grand discussion about the source of the husband’s stress or how they might effectively deal with it as a couple.

How Do You Respond To His Threat To Never Come Back?: Well, that really depends if you are going to stay the course and push for the separation or if you are willing to look for another alternative.  If you still want the separation, you might say something like: “it hurts me a lot to hear you say that.  The last thing that I want is for you to never come back and for our marriage to end.  I’m only asking you to stay with your brother for a little while so that we can gain some perspective and have a break in the tension.  We can agree to regular times that we can speak and see one another.  I am not planning to walk away.  I just need a little time. Can you please back off of the ultimatums and give our marriage the luxury of time so that it might heal?”

If you have decided that you want to explore other alternatives to one of you leaving you might say something like: “well, the last thing that I want is for one of us to leave and never come back.  I hear and respect what you are saying.  But I still feel strongly that we need something to give us some perspective in our marriage.  Would you agree to give me some time to myself or to go to counseling?  Because I don’t think it’s good for our marriage for things to continue on this way.  I want the break because I want to save our marriage, not to end it.  Let’s work together to come up with a plan that will help us do that.”

To be quite honest, what your spouse is typically looking for when they make threats like this is a reassurance.  They are afraid of losing you and while threats aren’t the best way to express themselves, they are trying to keep your marriage from ending. Since you want the same thing, consider working with your spouse to come up with a plan that you can both be comfortable with.

My husband was the one in my marriage who wanted to separate.  My actions were also based on fear.  But my ultimatums only made things worse and almost costs me my marriage.  It wasn’t until I completely changed tactics that I was able to save my marriage. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many antsy husbands will accept nothing less than moving out of the house in order to have some “space” or some time away.  Often, the husband will try to present this as a marriage-saving measure or as something that will actually help the marriage.  The wives can have their doubts about this, but they often feel as if they don’t have much choice but to go along and hope for the best.

One of these wives might say: “my husband told me a few weeks ago that he intends to move out.  We have not been getting along with one another for months.  We have actually tried different things in an attempt to improve our marriage but, in the end, we just end up fighting or feeling frustrated.   It just seems as if things deteriorate more and more no matter what we do.  He seems to assume the worst from me and then, when he’s distant or sullen, I expect the worst from him.  So now his theory is that if he moves us and gives us both some time to cool off that this is going to help us and our marriage.  Is he right? Will this help us?  Or will his moving out just lead to us eventually getting a divorce?”  I’ll tell you my take on this in the following article.

Giving One Another Time Can Help Your Marriage, But This Situation Needs To Be Managed Correctly In Order For That To Happen:  When the space strategy is done correctly, it actually can help you save your marriage.  The reason for this is that the time away can lessen the tension, make things more clear, and allow you to both to calm down and decide what is truly important to you.  Generally speaking, space allows both spouses to miss one another and this will often make them more willing to compromise and to solve their problems once and for all, since they don’t want to be apart again.

However, in order to get the benefits of the time apart, it has to be done correctly.  It helps greatly to agree before someone moves out that you will speak and see one another regularly.  If you can set a schedule before hand, that’s even better.  It also helps if both people vow to not see other people.   Because where the time apart usually goes wrong is when one or both spouses worry about what the other is doing during his or her time away.   The ensuring fear and insecurity can cause both people to lash out or to become even more rigid.  Make sure that the lines of communication are open and that there is a spirit of cooperation.  Because if there isn’t, things can actually deteriorate and get worse instead of better.

Know That You Can Have The “Break” Without Someone Needing To Move Out:  I’d like to make another point.  If your husband has any flexibility, you might want to suggest alternatives to his moving out.  One of you can stay with friends or family.  You can live in separate bedrooms for a while.  Or, one of you can temporarily stay at a hotel.  These situations are in my opinion better than moving out because it’s not as dramatic or permanent.  It’s easier for him to come back home if no one ever moved out in the first place.  Of course, in order for this to work, you have to be very committed to actually giving him that time away or that space.  If he feels that you aren’t, then he might move out and stay away even longer.

With all of this said, some men aren’t willing to accept this compromise.  They want to move out and will accept nothing less.  If this is the situation that you are finding yourself in, then at least try to get him to commit to a schedule where you can regularly check in, speak, and see one another.  And, as much as you want regular communication, you do want to back off some during the other times when you aren’t scheduled to communicate.  Giving him time away means just that.  I know that this is difficult and scary.  But I can also tell you from experience that men who feel that they need time and aren’t given that time will often distance themselves even more or will often pull away even more dramatically.

So it’s important that you strike the balance between giving him some time but keeping him close enough that you interact regularly so that you begin to rebuild. But to answer the question posed, yes, the time away can most definitely work for you.  It can and does help many couples.  But it has to be done carefully and correctly because if it’s not, this can sometimes bring out the fear and anxiety in one or both spouses and as a result, the marriage gets worse rather than better.

In fact, this was initially the case with me.  When my husband wanted a separation and moved out, I became so afraid and clingy that I reacted quite badly.  As a result, my husband started to avoid me and this hurt our marriage that much more.  It wasn’t until I changed tactics and my attitude that things dramatically pursued.  In fact, this worked so well, he eventually pursued me.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Some separated wives question their husband’s motivations for moving out.  Some feel as if he moved out as some desperate attempt to make some grand display in order to get some attention or response.

Someone might admit, “my husband has obviously been a little unhappy with our marriage for a while.  He would always make sarcastic comments about not getting enough of my attention and not having enough “alone” time together.  While I’m a little sympathetic to this, I have 3 children under the age of 5.  I’m doing the best that I can but I’ve always felt like he was a grown man who needed to understand that our kids are small and need me.  So I just kind of tried to reassure him and hope that he would get over it.  Well, last week he left me. He left a note saying that he doesn’t know what he has to go to get my attention and to make me realize that he has needs too.  I am so annoyed at this.  I don’t know how to respond.  I don’t want to reward him for his immaturity.  He needs to learn that they are his children too and he doesn’t need to act like a 2-year-old.  What now?”  I will try to address this in the following article.

When He Leaves To Get Your Attention, It is Best To Acknowledge His Need For Validation:  I understood this wife’s reaction.  The husband did seem to be placing his needs very high on the family’s list of priorities.  But, even if the wife was right that he was acting like an immature jerk, she wasn’t likely to make him realize (and then admit) he was wrong by bringing all of this to his attention.  When a man is so frustrated that he feels as if he needs to leave, then his emotions are likely running so high that he’s just not going to be willing to listen to reason. He’s simply too close to the situation to be objective.

So as much as your feelings might be justified, you are more likely to bring this to an end if you validate his needs.  Sometimes, all he really wants is for you to just listen and then to validate him.  He needs for you to just listen calmly so that he knows that he matters.  It even helps if you repeat his concerns back to him and ask for clarification (which I’ll discuss more a little later in this article.)

If He Wants Your Attention, Give It To Him, But Ask For His In Return:  I know that you might feel that he’s being selfish.  But, believe me when I say that it is often much easier (and much more efficient) to just hear him out and give him the attention that he’s feeling he so desperately needs.  I know that you might feel as if you are rewarding his childish behavior.  But I have seen this scenario play out a lot.  And sometimes, if you continue to ignore or argue with him, then he feels as if he needs to keep escalating his behavior.  Sometimes, this means he will do things that are worse than this, which gives you more to deal with.

You have to ask yourself what you truly want to happen.  Yes, you might be incredibly frustrated with him.  But, ask yourself if you really want to allow this to damage, or even to eventually end your marriage.  Because often, yes you are tired and frustrated, but you really don’t want to eventually separate or divorce.  What you really want is to find a way for everyone to be happy and for him to stop whining about where you are falling short.  That’s why it makes sense to go ahead and deal with this right now and move on.

A suggested response might be something like:  “let me see if I understand you.  And stop me if and when I’m wrong, but what I am hearing is that you are very frustrated because you feel as if the kids get all of my attention.  Is this how you are feeling?  And if so, what can I do to address this and to reassure you that this isn’t the case?  You are very important to me. I want us to all live under one roof like a true family. And I want for everyone in our house to be happy.  But right now, I have an awful lot on my plate.  Can we work together to find a way so that we are both happy?”

Hopefully, you see where I’m going with this.  It doesn’t hurt anything to give him the response that he is looking for. You’d likely want him to do the same for you. And, at the end of the day, if your response strengthens your marriage and gets you both on the same page so that you are supporting one another rather than keeping score, then this whole process will most certainly be worth it and his leaving would actually be a positive thing because it would have been the stimulus that inspired the improvements that made you both happy.

I honestly wish I’d paid more attention to my own husband when he began to complain about not getting enough of my attention.  I just hoped that the problem would go away.  But it didn’t. Like this husband, he left to get my attention and I had a very hard time getting him to come back. I tried many different strategies until I found one that worked.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives are quite annoyed that their husband has initiated a marital separation.  I certainly can’t and don’t blame them.  I know first hand that being separated from your husband feels absolutely awful.  It’s a very scary and emotionally volatile time.  It’s natural to be a bit frustrated and angry at the person who put all of this into motion. And it can even be natural to want for that person to regret it.

A separated wife might express it this way. “My husband initiated a separation.  I fought him every step of the way, but he insisted and didn’t give me much of a choice.  He said that he needed time to think and to evaluate what he wanted out of his life.  Well, now he’s taking all this selfish time to find himself while I am having to handle all of the household chores and raising the children myself.  I want him to regret being so selfish and just leaving us for his own self-centered reasons.  He’s mentioned maybe wanting to come home.  And to be honest, I want him to come home because I want some relief.   But I want for him to regret his actions so that he will never do this again.   Sometimes, when we talk, I can’t help being sarcastic and nasty because I want him to understand what he has done.  How can I make him regret the day he ever suggested a separation?”

Believe me when I say that I understand these questions.  When my husband left me for a separation, I was absolutely furious with him.  I thought he was only thinking about himself and his own needs.  Wanting to make him feel sorry or wanting him to feel regret is completely normal.  However, it’s my experience that you need to be very careful about how you attempt to achieve this, which I will discuss below.

Know That If You Try To Make Him Feel Regret In Negative Ways, He May Not Want To Come Home.  Or, He May Leave Again:  When you are in this situation, you have to be very careful that you don’t let your frustration take over your actions.  You have to keep your end goal firmly in mind. In this particular case, this woman’s end goal was for her husband to come back quickly and then to not leave again.  But, if she were to be sarcastic or to lay out how selfish his actions were, what do you think might happen?  In my opinion and experience, he would be more likely to pull away from her.  Because it is just human nature to reject or pull away from someone who makes you feel bad about yourself or who inspires negative feelings.  Acting in a negative way might get him to momentarily regret his actions, but it will also increase the odds that you will be right back where you started when he becomes frustrated with this process.  Using negativity never really improves your situation.  It just keeps the turmoil going.

Why It’s Better To Make Him Regret Separating From You By Reminding Him How Much He Loves You:  I believe that the much better strategy is to try to improve your relationship to the point where he regrets that he lost any time with you.  Why do I think this?  Well, I dialogue with many men in this situation on my blog.  Many will tell you that when their wife is negative or nasty, this makes him think that perhaps he was right to leave in the first place (and perhaps to stay away now.)

But, if their wife shows them a person who is loving, understanding, and patient, they actually come to realize that leaving such a person was a mistake.  They realize that their own actions have caused them to miss out on time with their families.  And you know what?  This is when they are the most likely to regret the separation.  And then is when they are the most likely to never want to leave you again.  Remember when I talked about remembering your end goal?  Well, this solution ensures that you achieve your end goal.  Because when he not only regrets leaving but doesn’t want to leave again as the result of your positive behavior, then you make it much more likely that your marriage will actually benefit and improve from this process.

But, when you try to make him feel regret and guilt due to negative behavior or negative strategies, then you make it more likely that you are actually harming your marriage and are making it more likely that he will either avoid you, not come back or leave again.  So to answer the question posed, there are positive and negative ways to make your husband feel regret about the separation.  But I strongly feel that using positive methods are best.

I know that it’s very tempting to use negative strategies.  I stooped to negativity after my husband left, but it seriously backfired.  I had my doubts about switching to a more positive strategy, but that was the best decision I ever made.  Because once my husband saw that he didn’t have to fear or avoid me, we began to make serious progress and we eventually saved our marriage. If it helps, you can read about how I saved my marriage on my blog http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives have a husband who is giving them some vague excuse for why he wants to separate.  Sometimes, he will tell you that he doesn’t like the man who he has become while being married or that he feels that marriage hasn’t been good for him.   He will sometimes allude to the fact that he feels that being married has held him back in some way.

A wife may have this type of situation: “last week, my husband started saying strange things about how he feels that life is passing him by and how he’s disappointed in himself because he’s lost sight of his dreams.  This bothered me, but I tried to offer him some encouragement.  And then I let it go and tried to move on.  Then, a couple of days later, he came back to me and said that he was considering a separation.  I was devastated and asked him why on earth he would do this.  His response was that he didn’t like who had become as the result of our marriage.  He said that before he got married, he was adventurous and not afraid of pursuing his dreams. He said that he feels responsible for me so he takes the safe route now and this hasn’t been good for him.  He said he would like to pursue his dream of moving to a big city and working as an actor.  He says he doesn’t feel like he can do that while he’s living here and is married.  My heart is broken.  I don’t care if he wants to be an actor.  I will support him no matter what he wants to do.  But when I tell him this, it just doesn’t seem to be enough.  He said he’s leaving this weekend to look at apartments.  How can I convince him that he can still like who he is while we are married?”

This situation had multiple issues and not all of them were directly related to the marriage.   Often, people wake up one day and realize that life is passing them by.  Rather than taking personal responsibility for this, they will place the blame on who and what is most convenient and closest to them.  And this isn’t at all fair, but it happens all of the time.  Frankly, who and what a man becomes is up to the man himself and his marriage shouldn’t solely dictate his course or his path.  But, the key is making him see or understand this, which I will discuss below.

Don’t Argue That Who He Has Become Is All His Fault. And Know That It Can Be A Mistake To Tell Him That You Like Who He Has Become:  It can be very tempting to want to defend yourself and your marriage and to argue that if he’s not happy with himself, then he has no one to blame but himself.   Although this might well be accurate, putting it into words isn’t likely to endear him to you or talk any sense into him.  He has to come to understand this on his own.

As tempting as it might be to tell him that there is nothing wrong with who he has become because you love that person, resist the urge.  The reason for this is that if you tell him that you really like the changes he believes have occurred, he will think that you will be perfectly content to continue to hold him back.  You don’t want him to believe that he cannot stay married and also pursue his dreams at the same time.  So, he should not come to believe that you have any incentive to want to keep him from what he believes will be changing for the better.

Many people will very understandably try to convince him that he is being silly.  They’ll tell him that he needs to face reality because he is a middle-aged man who is going to head out with no real experience chasing a dream that, statistically, has a very small chance of coming true.  Please don’t make this mistake.  Men like to feel as if their wives support them no matter what. He needs to know that you have his back in every circumstance.  Because once he believes that you don’t, he will further pull away from you.

How To Best Respond In This Situation:  This is a tough scenario to decipher.  First, you want to appear that you are very supportive of him.  But you don’t want to make it look like that you are going to be accepting of him just up and leaving you to go and do whatever he wants.  So an appropriate response might be something like: “it hurts me that you feel this way.  But more than anything, I want for you to be happy with your life and with who you have become.  You know that I would support anything that you wanted to pursue.  You don’t need to separate from me in order to be the man who you want to be.  You don’t need to be apart from me to pursue your dreams.  You can have the dreams and the marriage simultaneously.  But I will support you in whatever you decide to do.  I just hope that you won’t discard our marriage because of this. I will help you make any changes that you want to make.”

I worded things this way because it’s important that he understands that he doesn’t have to choose between his wife and his dreams or who he wants to become.  Hopefully, he will understand this and not pursue the separation.  But, if he does, stay the course.  Remain confident that he will eventually understand that he can pursue exactly who he wants to become while being married to you.  Be upbeat when he checks in.  Try not to pressure him as to when he’s coming back or coming to his senses.  Because if he feels as if you are being judgmental or that he is just going to have to deal with pressure when he interacts with you, then he is going to continue to pull away.

My husband said variations on this same theme to me before he left for our separation.  I wish I had paid more attention and responded appropriately. Instead, I just hoped things would get better on their own.  They didn’t.  So I had a lot of catching up to do when I finally got serious about saving my marriage.  But I was successful and we are still married today.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://isavedmymarriage.com

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