Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many women are willing to try nearly anything to get their husband to change his mind about wanting or filing for a divorce.  Many of these same husbands seem quite sure about their decision and some even go so far as to tell their wives that their mind is made up.  Still, many of the wives refuse to give up hope that something is going to happen to turn the tide.

A wife might say: “my husband told me about four weeks ago that he wanted a divorce.  Since that time, he has been looking at apartments and he has consulted a couple of divorce attorneys.  It seems that he is totally following through.  At times when he seems to be in a good mood, I have approached him and begged him to change his mind.  We have a wonderful thing going.  We have built a life and a family.  I am scared of what a divorce will do to my children.  I think that my husband is moving too quickly.  We haven’t even tried to save our marriage yet.   But every time I mention him changing his mind, he stops me cold.  He tells me very directly that the divorce is going to happen and that there is nothing that I can do or say to change that.  Many of my friends tell me that he has made his point very clear and that I need to just accept it and give up.  My mother says that there is always a chance that he will change his mind eventually. Who is right? Is it even possible for him to change his mind about wanting a divorce?”

It really bugs me when well-meaning friends feel so willing to make comments which could affect someone else’s life and their marriage.   In my own mind, this is very careless.  They can’t possibly predict the future and what you really need is their support, not their dire predictions.  It’s my own experience that yes, it is totally possible for a husband to change his mind about wanting a divorce.  This happened in my own life and I have seen it happen for many other couples.  Of course, it certainly doesn’t happen in every case. And it often doesn’t happen through luck or accident.  Many times, you need not only determination, you need a plan.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

There Are Many Reasons That A Man Might Change His Mind About The Divorce:  The various reasons that men end up changing their minds are too many to list here.  But some common reasons are that he calms down a bit and realizes what a huge (and final) step a divorce really is.  Sometimes, he sees some changes in you or in the way that you interact with one another that he reads as positive or encouraging. Sometimes, he feels as if perhaps he has moved too quickly and perhaps the marriage deserves a second chance.  Other times, he’s thinking about the family or about his love for you which still remains.

Sometimes, it is possible for you to get really lucky so that he comes to these realizations on his own.   But I think that it’s pretty risky to leave this to chance.  It’s my opinion that it’s best to come up with a plan and to set it up that you make it more likely that he will change his mind.  I will talk about how to do that below.

Know That He Will Often Change His Mind When He Thinks That Your Situation Or Your Relationship Has Changed:  Here is something that you really need to understand. He isn’t all that likely to change his mind if he doesn’t believe that the situation has also changed.  Typically, he needs to change his mind about something important – you, your marriage, your problems or your situation – in order for him to change his mind about the divorce.

Often, if you look at the situation objectively, you can see what needs to change.  Once this happens, you will need to decide how to change it in the most sincere and genuine way.  Because very often, your husband is going to automatically suspect that you are only making changes in order to get him to call off the divorce.  So, be very careful and deliberate about what you change.  Make sure that you chose something that you can genuinely change for the long term.  Because if you can’t, you might only get one chance at this.  If he thinks that you are just manipulating him, he is much less likely to give you another chance now or ever.

So to answer the question posed, I am living proof that husbands can and do change their mind about a divorce.  It happens.  But it doesn’t always happen automatically.  Sometimes, you need to give the situation a gentle little nudge to make things go your way.  I learned this lesson the hard way.  My playing games with my husband almost cost me my marriage.  It wasn’t until I came up with a genuine plan that I was able to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are worried about their husband’s enthusiasm level when it comes to saving their marriage.  Often, the husband will agree to go along and will agree to “try” to save the marriage, but he will make it very clear that he has his doubts.  And the wife will often worry that his doubts mean that he won’t really cooperate fully.  A wife might explain: ” a couple of months ago, my husband told me that he was going to move out because he didn’t think that there was really anything left of our marriage.  He said that to him, the chemistry was gone and we were basically living as roommates.  He said he still loved me as a person but that he wasn’t sure that he was still ‘in love’ with me.  I told my husband that his love for me as a person was a start and that I felt confident that if he would just agree to work on our marriage, then we could turn this thing around.  At first, he said that he would think about it and get back to me.  For weeks, he didn’t say anything at all about this.  I finally confronted him and asked if he would agree to work on our marriage.  He sighed and said that he reluctantly would agree but he also said he had to be honest and tell me that he had serious doubts that this was going to work.  He went so far as to say that he thought we were wasting our time.  So where does this leave me?  I almost feel like he’s not going to put much effort into saving our marriage so we may as well just give up. ”

I certainly hoped that this wife would not give up.  I know from experience that you don’t always need your husband’s cooperation for the entire time that you are trying to save your marriage.   With a little skill and luck, you can often overcome his doubts and eventually gain his cooperation and enthusiasm.   I will discuss this more below.

Nothing Says You Can’t Proceed Despite His Doubts:  I know that this can be difficult.  It can feel as if you shouldn’t go forward without his blessing or his enthusiasm.  But you actually can.  And moving forward on your own is often the best way for you to remove his doubts.  Try to remain as positive as you can.  Because if you project your own doubts, your husband is going to pick up on this and his doubts might increase.  You want to portray confidence.  And you want to show him that this process isn’t as difficult (or as impossible) as he might think.

Now admittedly, you are going to need his cooperation if you want to seek joint counseling.  But, nothing says that you can’t go alone at first.  And, nothing says that you don’t have the ability to identify the issues on your own and then start whittling away at that without him needing to even know what you are doing.  Because often, you already know what the major issues are.  And there is usually plenty that you can do to begin to address this on your own.  Sure, it is optimal if you work together.  But if working together isn’t possible in the beginning, that is no reason to give up or to not try.

Know That If You Can Show Him Some Painless Improvements, He Will Often Willingly Join You:  What is really unfortunate about this situation is that very often, the wife will become discouraged and will approach saving the marriage with dread.  Her apprehension will be obvious and the husband will think something like “see, I was right.  even she knows that it’s too little too late,” when this is the furthest thing from the truth.  The wife is only reacting to his doubts, not her own.  This is so unfortunate because if she had just moved forward with confidence anyway, she probably would have found him coming around eventually.

It is often easier to overcome your husband’s reservations than you might think.  You have to understand how his mind is probably working right now.  He likely doesn’t want to get his hopes up because often, you have already tried to make some changes and have failed.  That is why you have to be very deliberate about how you approach this.  You want to project confidence that not only will this not be overly difficult, but that it will work.  You don’t want for your husband to think that he is going to have to roll up his sleeves and go through a wasteful process that is emotionally draining.

Instead, you want to show him that right at this moment, you have an opportunity to set it up so that you restore the intimacy and the fun in your marriage so that you are both happy.  It is much easier to get him on board when he believes that the payoff is going to delight him and that getting from point a to point b isn’t going to be so difficult after all.  Frankly, you are the one who can show him this.  How you proceed right now can either confirm or change his reservations.

My husband had serious doubts about our ability to save our marriage.  In fact, he doubt was so great that he wouldn’t even agree to work with me.  But I didn’t let his reluctance stop me and I moved forward anyway.  If I’m being honest, it took him a long time to come around and join me.  But eventually, he did.  And we are happily married today. The key was finding the right plan and presentation, which made all the difference.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives feel as if their husband is lacking in maturity, especially when he starts expressing concerns about the responsibilities of being married. One of these wives could have this type of situation: “my husband left me and moved out last weekend. I kept asking him why he would do that to me and he finally admitted that he ‘just didn’t want the responsibility of being married.’ We have only been married for a couple of months. I asked him what specifically was the problem. And he said that he just always felt like he was responsible for me. He said that he didn’t like that every decision from his job to his lifestyle are now decisions that he can’t make only for himself without considering me first. I think this is the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. I mean, I have to think about him also when I make decisions about my life because we are a team. And I am perfectly fine with that. Some of our mutual friends say that this is just a phase he is going through. They say that they know that he loves me and he will eventually change his mind. Will he?”

I couldn’t tell this wife if her husband was going to change his mind. But I could tell her that this is a common issue, especially early in marriage or when the issue of children or security come up. And quite frankly, most wives react by trying to pull him in even tighter, but this is honestly the worst thing that you can do. Here’s why.

When He’s Already Scared By The Responsibility, Trying To Pull Him Closer Makes Him Feel More Trapped: It is just human nature to grab for something that we feel slipping away. When someone we love begins to pull away from us, then we want to hold on more tightly because we fear them leaving us. And this is normal and it’s also certainly understandable. But you need to know that clinging this way will bring about risk. Because when he feels you cling, that panic about responsibility will be even more pronounced and he may want to leave that much more. So, as much as it is natural for you to want to hold on more tightly, if you are hoping he changes his mind (or even comes back home if he’s already left,) then I believe that there’s a better strategy.

Give Him Enough Freedom To Alleviate His Claustrophobia And Allow Him The Room To Miss You: I know that this is probably a scary proposition right now, but sometimes the best thing that you can do is to appear to be his ally. If you can, try to give him more space at home so that he doesn’t need to move out. Offer to give him some room and distance. If you absolutely have to, offer to stay with friends for a little while to give him the time he needs. I know this doesn’t sound all that great, but it is often a much better choice than clinging so tightly that he pulls even further away from you. If you give him space so that he has no reason to leave, then often his feelings of claustrophobia will wane and the issue will sometimes resolve itself (or will at least be fixable.)

Examine Your Marriage For Any Possible Contributing Factors: I’m not saying that you are smothering your husband at all. Please don’t take it this way. But it can help to see if there is any reason why he might be overwhelmed. Some men feel overwhelmed regardless of how laid back their wife is or how healthy their marriage. But ask yourself if he has any legitimate reason to feel the way that he does.

Is it possible that he doesn’t have enough time with his own friends? It is possible that he feels solely responsible for your household finances? Or that he handles all of the household responsibilities? The reason that I ask this is that if any of these things are possible contributing factors to him wanting to leave, then these things should also be an easy fix. You could stress that you will share financial responsibility. You could take over some of the household chores. Or you could give him a little more freedom. Of course, this is only if these things are applicable. Some husbands feel overwhelmed regardless of how evenly things are split.

So to answer the question posed, although I can’t predict if this husband will change his mind, I do suspect that the wife could make this more likely by giving him some space and trying to evaluate to see if there were any improvements or adjustments that could be made in their marriage or their lifestyle. Because even if she were justified in arguing with him, a man who already feels overwhelmed isn’t likely to listen to reason.

I know this because I tried in vain to convince my husband that he was wrong before he moved out.  Frankly, this only meant he couldn’t get away fast enough.  I have a lot of ground to gain before I could save my marriage.  But I stumbled upon some strategies that worked.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives aren’t sure how to react when their husband is pushing for a trial or marital separation.  Most of them are willing to do just about anything to get him to change his mind and not leave the home.  Some will think about trying to make him feel guilty because this seems to be an easy task to accomplish. However, what many do not consider is whether this strategy is going to help their situation or hurt it.

One might explain: “my husband told me this weekend that he intends to pursue a separation.  He said that he will begin looking for an apartment in a couple of weeks.  I admit that our marriage hasn’t been great lately, but I certainly don’t think that a separation is necessary. I think that my husband is making a big mistake.  What if he leaves, never comes back, and eventually files for divorce?  Then, he is just throwing away what we have and he is forever changing our children’s lives.  I don’t want my kids growing up in a single parent home.  And, deep down, I don’t know that my husband doesn’t want this either.  In fact, even if he no longer cares about me, I know that he cares about his children.  And I think that somewhere inside of him, he feels a little guilty about pursuing this.  Should I use this guilt to my advantage?  So I let him know how horribly this is going to affect our children so that he might feel so guilty that he calls off the separation?  I hate to resort to mind games in this way, but this is my children’s futures and my marriage that I’m talking about.  I’m starting to think that it is all fair game.”

I absolutely understood why this wife felt the need to use whatever resources she might have to change his mind.  When you want to save your marriage and are opposed to a separation, then him walking out that door can seem like your worst case scenario.  It can feel like your worst nightmare is actually coming true.  So you may well feel justified in using guilt to keep your family together.  But, I know first hand that relying upon negative emotions can actually backfire on you which can make things even worse.  I will explain why below.

Sometimes, He Resents The Guilt And Projects This Negative Feeling Onto You:  Frankly, it probably would not be very difficult for you to make your husband feel guilty about wanting a separation.  In fact, it’s probably a pretty sure bet that he already feels some guilt without your needing to say a single word. So, if you pile onto his negative emotions and then state the obvious (that the separation is going to hurt and negatively affect the kids,) he’s likely to know that your motivation is to keep him home by any means necessary.  And human nature is just that he is going to want to push back against this.

Very few men will respond with something like: “you know, you really have a point.  I didn’t think of things that way.  So I’ll just push down my feelings and pretend to be happy when I’m not.”  Instead, they will probably think something like: “of course I know that this is hurting our children.  And I wouldn’t be pursuing it if I didn’t think it was absolutely necessary.  But I’m thinking some time apart might give us the distance needed to improve our situation which is ultimately in the best interest of our kids.  I love my kids just as much as she does.  And for her to insinuate otherwise is maddening.”

And when he feels this type of frustration, he is likely to leave even more quickly and remain away for that much longer simply to make the point that he will not allow you to manipulate him in this way or allow you to use your children in that way.  I know that this doesn’t seem fair because you are sincerely concerned about your children, but this is the way that he is likely to see it.

A Better Alternative Than Trying To Make Him Feel Guilt:  I believe that you can encourage your husband to have some doubts without needing to resort to such manipulation.  I’m not asking you to pretend to feel something that you don’t.  In fact, it’s likely that he already knows that you don’t want the separation and are willing to do almost anything to stop it.  So, you really don’t need to do anything to restate the obvious.

Instead, it’s my experience that you are better off changing tactics (which will usually catch him a little bit off guard and will make him pause.)  I have found that it is better to remain calm and to let him know that although you don’t want for him to leave, you aren’t going to try to stop him if he sincerely believes that this is what he needs to do.  You want to appear supportive but disappointed.  Often, this will feel much more genuine to him so he no longer feels the need to fight you or to keep his guard up.  And since you are being agreeable, he no longer has any reason to dig in his heals or to be stubborn.  Instead, it makes more sense for him to want to work with you than for him to work against you.

This is the strategy I used when I saved my own marriage.  I did try to use guilt in the beginning and this plan failed miserably.  But when I changed plans and became his ally rather than his adversary, things went much better.  If it helps you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are unsure about their husband’s intentions when it comes to a divorce.  Often, he has made it clear that he isn’t happy and that he may walk away from the marriage.  But, sometimes he will stop short of doing this because his feelings are wavering.  This can leave the wife extremely frustrated because she isn’t sure exactly what she is dealing with.  I heard from a wife who said: ” a couple of weeks ago, my husband and I had gotten into a huge fight.  It seems that all we do is fight lately.  So I wasn’t entirely surprised when in the heat of the moment, he told me that he thought he wants a divorce.  I was so angry at the time I responded that he was free to march right down to the attorney of his choice and begin that process.  A couple of days later, he admitted to me that he wasn’t sure if he really wanted a divorce.  I asked him what was leading to his change of heart.  He said that while he certainly isn’t happy, he isn’t sure if he wants to make that big of a move.  So I told him why doesn’t he just back off of the divorce issue and let’s move on.  He refuses to do this either.  He says that at this point, he is still thinking he wants a divorce.  But he wants to take his time to make sure that he is making the right decision.  I am not sure what to do now.  Deep down, I really don’t want a divorce either.  But I hate having to tiptoe around him.  I feel as if he has the upper hand.  And I feel as if my life is on hold while I am waiting for him to decide.  What now?”

I felt that there were several issues at play here.  The wife was dealing with her wounded pride as well as trying to position herself in a place of strength rather than a place of weakness.   And having all of these issues swirling around in your head can distract you as to what is truly important.  Because to me, the most important piece of information in this entire puzzle was that the wife didn’t want a divorce.  So, she needed to realize that the fact that the husband had some hesitation and hadn’t yet filed was very important.  Because this hesitation gave her some wiggle room to save her marriage.

Nothing Says You Can’t Improve Your Marriage While He Is Evaluating If He Wants A Divorce:  The wife was under the mistaken impression that she just had to wait around while her husband was evaluating what he was going to do.  There was plenty that she could do in the meantime.  She could try to have an upbeat attitude and make a very pointed attempt to improve things in her marriage.   She mentioned that she and her husband had been fighting horribly within the last few months.  So one suggested course of action would be to try to identify the recurring problems and very swiftly address them.  This is very important.  Because as your husband is making a decision about whether to file for divorce or not, he’s going to be looking around and evaluating the current state of your relationship.  If you’re continuing to fight, then this probably isn’t going to give him much incentive to try to save the marriage.

With this said, most husbands would see through any behavior that isn’t genuine.  What I mean by this is that if you’re just being agreeable to change his mind about the divorce, he will likely see what through this.  That’s why it’s important to identify genuine changes and improvements that you can easily pull off and can make very believable.

Proceed As If He’s Already Made The Right Decision:  I firmly believe that your confidence level is so important right now.  If you act as if he’s going to pick up and file for divorce any day now, then you make this possibility that much more likely.  He will follow and be influenced by your behavior.  So, instead of projecting anxiety and fear, try to project quiet confidence and a positive attitude.  Give off the vibe that you are confident that the two of you can and will turn this around if you work together.  Stay upbeat and lighthearted so that he will want to be around you and work closely with you.  If you are so filled with dread and fear that you are negative and sarcastic, he is going to be much less likely to reach out to you and he’s going to be much more likely to decide to go ahead with the divorce even when he’s clearly stated that he has hesitation about this.

Understand What His Hesitation Really Means:  This is the last point that I will make.  As maddening as it is right now that he is so indecisive, this truly can be a blessing.  Many men make up their minds quickly and then file for divorce shortly after that.  His hesitation is a huge advantage.  It tells you that he still has some loyalty and investment in your marriage.  And, when you want to save your marriage also, this is vital.  So use the advantage that you have and use his hesitation to take the time that you need to address the issues in your marriage so that both of you are fulfilled enough that no one is thinking about a divorce.

Even the word divorce brought panic into my heart when my husband started broaching this subject.  Instead of seeing his hesitation as an advantage, I just focused on the uncertainly and my behaviors were fueled by fear.  I behaved so badly that my husband moved out and pursued a divorce.  I had a lot of ground to make up.  But eventually, I began to understand what was driving my husband and I was able to address it.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives have been given the old “I’m confused” excuse by a husband who has just left or moved out.  Often, the wives are at a loss as to what he could possibly be confused about.  A wife might explain this type of situation: “last week, I came home and found a note on my dining room table.  It was from my husband and it said that he was leaving me because he was just ‘so confused right now.’   I called him up immediately and asked him what in the world he had to be confused about.  He said that I was well aware that our marriage had been struggling for some time.  He said that I was aware that he’s been unhappy.  And he said his confusion lies with what he wants to do moving forward.  He isn’t sure if it is possible to save our marriage or if he even wants to.  I am not sure if I buy this explanation.  To be quite honest, we have been struggling for years and it has never seemed to bother him before.  And now suddenly he is so ‘confused’ that he can no longer live under the same roof with me?  What do men really mean when they use their own confusion as their reason for leaving their wives?”

I actually hear from a lot of these husbands on my blog and I believe that I have a pretty good handle on their mindset.  So, in the following article, I will share with you what I believe that some men mean when they give you the old “I’m confused” excuse.

Sometimes, They Aren’t Confused At All.  They Are Just Trying To Ease Their Way Out Of The Marriage:  Before I get to the many legitimate reasons that men focus on their confusion when they leave their wives, I have to tell you that some men just use this as a convenient excuse.  Some men have already made up their minds to pursue a legal separation or a divorce long before they walk out the door.  And, for whatever reason,  he is holding off on making a very quick filing for divorce.  Instead, he somehow feels that it is better to sort of ease his way into it.  So moving out is his first step. And since he doesn’t want to tell you that his next step is likely going to be a separation or a divorce, he will go with the confusion excuse to buy himself a little time.  Now, having said that, not every man who uses this excuse ends up getting a divorce.  Some actually miss their wives, change their minds, and go back home.

He May Be Legitimately Confused About The Course Of Your Marriage Or What Is Necessary To Correct It:  Not all men are using this as an excuse.  Some are being quite sincere.  Some are torn about your marriage and just aren’t sure how to proceed.  And often, they feel as if taking some time for themselves is the best way to gain some clarity.  They will often tell you that it’s very hard to think about you or the marriage clearly when you are living together and interacting every day.

Many wives ask me which questions the husband is most likely to ponder while he is away.  In my opinion, they are these questions:

1. What are the biggest problems in my marriage?

2.  Are these problems deal breakers or can we work through them?

3.   If the problems can be worked through, what is it going to take to be successful?

4.  Considering the way that I feel about my wife and my marriage, is it going to be worth it to go through all the time or effort to try to save my marriage?

5.  Is my wife willing to work with me? and

6.  Would I be better off or happier remaining married or calling it quits?

These are just brief examples of common questions.  This is by no means an exhaustive list.  Your situation may offer a unique problem that makes up the bulk of your husband’s questions or confusion. But in general, he is trying to evaluate what he feels, what the problems are if the problems are fixable, and if it is even worth it to try to fix them.  So what does all of this mean to you?

What To Take Away From All Of This:  What I’d like for you to take from this article is that the way that you interact with your husband is so important right now.  While he is trying to sort through these confused feelings, he is going to consider how you are getting along right now.  So, if the two of you are fighting or if you are very sarcastically asking him what on earth he has to be confused about, then this is going to weigh heavily on his thoughts in a negative way.  If you are invested in saving your marriage, this is probably the last thing that you want.  Instead, you want for him to think of you very favorably while he is away.

You have every right to be frustrated with him right now and to want answers, but if you lean on him too hard or speak too harshly, then he is going to want to avoid you.  And this is going to make it less likely that you can save your marriage.  Try very hard to be as agreeable and as cooperative as possible.  If you can swing it, make him believe that you really want for him to take this time to become clear in his own mind.  Because if he can see you as his ally, that is half the battle.

My husband gave me the “I’m confused” excuse and I didn’t handle it very well.  In fact, I handled it so poorly that we eventually separated.  However, I educated myself on what works and what doesn’t when you are trying to save your marriage.  And I came up with a successful plan that did help me save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many separated wives are very concerned about the well-being of their children when separation or divorce is on the horizon.  This is typically just one reason that the wives don’t want a divorce.  And they hope that if they can make their husband realize that the children are going to be very negatively affected by splitting the family, then perhaps the husband will change his mind.  I heard from a wife who said: “We told our children two weeks ago that my husband is going to be moving out soon because we may be getting divorced.  Since that time, our children have been acting out.  One got in a fight at school and the other has had horrible stomach pains.  They both keep asking when their father is going to move out. I hear them crying after I put them to bed at night.  I am not sure if I should tell my husband about this.  I’m afraid that he is going to think that I’m only bringing it up to change his mind. He knows that I have been fighting the divorce the whole time.  To be honest, if using the children is what it takes, then I’m willing to do it.  Because I know that this split is wrong.  I know that this is not the best thing for my family.  I know that my husband’s mid-life crisis is the reason that he is doing this. So I feel like that maybe I should show him how much this is hurting our kids so that he will change his mind and save us all a lot of unnecessary pain.  What do you think?”  I have a definite opinion about this which I will share below.

Make Sure That You Aren’t Using Guilt As A Weapon When You Discuss Your Children’s Well Being:  I firmly believe that the husband should know about what is happening with his children.  They are his kids too, and any decent parent is going to be concerned.  The real key is to be careful about how you approach him.  You do not want him to think that you are using guilt as a weapon because if he believes this, then he may not take your message seriously.  And this is a dire message that he needs to fully understand.  So a suggested script might be something like: “I need to talk to you about some things that I’m noticing with the kids’ behavior.  You’re their father, and I feel that you have a right to know.  I always want for us to be able to share information that relates to our children’s well-being, no matter what happens between us or what happens with our children.  So I want to share with you that they are really struggling.  They have physical stomach pains.  The oldest is fighting at school.  They are both crying themselves to sleep at night.  I believe that we should address this quickly before it gets worse.”

Notice that you are not suggesting that he change his mind.  You’re not even saying that divorce is the problem.  Instead, you are merely suggesting that you address it, but you are leaving the solution open-ended in the hopes that he will come to the right decision on his own.  Because if you push, he is very likely to think that you are only bringing it up to call off the divorce.  So it’s important that you play this very carefully.  Make sure that it is clear that your concern is for the kids and not meant only to get him to change his mind.

Understand That He Needs To Change His Mind About You Or The Marriage Before He Can Change His Mind About The Divorce:  People often try to use external things to get a man to change his mind about divorce and sometimes these things even work for the short term.  But changes based on guilt or other negative feelings are not very likely to last. Sure, it may buy you a little time. But eventually, he is likely to pursue divorce again if you don’t solve your problems.  And when he does, it is going to be very difficult to get him to change his mind a second or a third time.  You are better off working very hard to show him that it is safe to change his mind about your marriage because the marriage is changing and improving also.  Because once he does this, then he will no longer need to pursue a divorce.

So as much as I believe that he needs to know and understand how his children are hurting, don’t use this issue as a way to guilt him out of a divorce.  I completely agree with wanting to change his mind.  In fact, I changed my own husband’s mind.  But I didn’t do it with guilt (although I tried that and found that the strategy backfired.)  I did it with a sound strategy, patience, and hard work. I’m not going to tell you that it’s easy. But it is definitely possible.

I completely agree with you that it is your children’s best interest to avoid a divorce.  And a man who is a good parent will likely be concerned.  This might help to give you some access to him.  But don’t rely solely on the children to change his mind.  Instead, make real changes that he can see and believe in so that he wants to remain a family that is living under the same roof.

My husband and I didn’t have children at the time that our marriage was in real trouble so this issue didn’t come into play for us, but remaining a family was certainly a central issue.  I did not understand the poison of negativity when we separated.  Because of this, we almost divorced.  But once I educated myself, I was able to turn things around pretty quickly and save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are very frustrated because they are separated from their husband, but they have no idea what he’s feeling or whether or not his feelings are favorable to him returning home and trying to save the marriage.

A wife might explain: “my husband and I separated two weeks ago because this is what he wanted. We agreed that our primary goal was to take a little time to think and that we would have dinner together at least every Friday. I thought that it would be obvious how he was feeling and which way he was leaning, but it’s not. We do have dinner every Friday night but it is just filled with small talk. When I try to ask my husband what he’s thinking or feeling, he tells me that he still doesn’t know. He’s pleasant enough, but I can’t help feeling as if he’s shutting me out. How do I get him to open up about his feelings?”

I understand this wife’s situation because I have been in it myself. In fact, when I was in this situation, I handled this so badly that our separation deteriorated to the point that we were barely even speaking. I believe that there’s definitely a right and a wrong way to handle this. I’ll outline what I think is the right way in the following article.

Know That Sometimes, The More You Push Him To Discuss His Feelings, The Less Likely He Is To Do So: I understand wanting to know what he is thinking and feeling. You want some reassurance. You want to hear something that is going to offer you hope. But you need to understand that sometimes, the harder you push for him to open up, the more likely it is that he is going to close it down. Men have a hard enough time understanding and then sharing their feelings, but this process becomes even more difficult when he feels pressure and when he feels your disapproval because of his delay.

Why One Of The Best Things That You Can Do Is To Be Easy To Approach: I know that this may not be what you want to hear, but it’s my opinion that the best tactic that you can take right now is to back off on the pressure and to instead try to ensure that you are very easy and pleasurable to approach. After all, you want for those Friday night dinners to continue and you want for them to be a good experience. In fact, you want for them to go so well that you know that you will leave that meeting in a much better position than you might have had when you went into it. You want to begin to rebuild your marriage during those dinners.

But, if your husband knows that, without fail, every Friday he is going to be grilled about how he feels and why it is taking him so long to decide on this, how much do you think he’s going to look forward to those dinners? Not very much, right? In fact, he may start to cancel them or to do away with them all together and this is going to make saving your marriage that much more difficult.

Have Confidence That His Actions Will Eventually Tell You What You Need To Know: If you’re asking about his feelings causes conflict and it’s best to back off on this, know that often, you can tell how he is feeling due to his actions. Often, you can tell how receptive he is to you by his body language and facial expressions. You can typically tell how much progress you are making by how he reacts to you when you are together and how much he initiates contact when you aren’t.

Know That He May Not Have Any Answers Yet: It’s so important to be patient, even though I know first hand how impossible that this may appear at the time. It can take a while for his feelings to be apparent to him or to register so strongly that he is ready to share them. He may be waiting until he is sure to share his feelings. And he may not be feeling much of anything quite yet. It’s normal for people (especially men) to feel a little numb or to feel as if they are kind of walking around in a fog in the early stages of the separation.

The good news is that his feelings will likely become more apparent to both of you, and if you are patient and easy to approach, then you make it more likely that he is going to be sharing positive feelings with you. I know that it is frustrating because waiting around in the dark is truly no fun, but pressuring him will likely just do more harm than good.

I know this first hand.  I pressured my husband so much during our separation that he eventually became so discouraged that he filed for divorce.  So my endless pushing actually hurt my marriage rather than helped.  It wasn’t until I took a new, much more laid back approach that I was able to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives are very confused about their husband’s conflicting behavior during their marital separation.  Often, he is the one who initiated the separation and it seems as if he almost can’t wait to leave.  But as soon as the couple is living apart, suddenly the husband wants to keep tabs on the wife or seems particularly interested in her day to day activities.

Someone might explain: “my husband has been wanting to separate for a while.  I tried my best to talk him out of it, but after listening to him insist upon it for months, I finally gave in and agreed to go and live with my sister for a little while.  Since he was so anxious to get rid of me, I really didn’t expect to hear from him, although I knew that I would miss him terribly.  I’ve been gone only two days, but now he is constantly calling me and wanting to know what I’m doing.  I will answer the phone and the first thing he says to me is ‘what are you doing’ in an almost accusatory way.  The truth is, I’m not doing anything and I tell him so.  Why does he even ask?  He couldn’t get rid of me quickly enough and now it’s like he wants to keep checking on me.  What is going on?”  I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.

He May Just Be Missing You:  Men often envision having all kinds of peace and quiet so that they can think.  But, sometimes this just isn’t the reality.  Sometimes all that silence brings about is loneliness.  And then he can start to wonder if this was such a good idea after all.  And he looks around and notices that everything around him reminds him of you.  Now, it might make things easier if he would just tell you all of this, but many men will not.  Instead, they’ll call you and do annoying things like asking what, or how, you are doing.

He Might Be Feeling Insecure:  It’s very common for separated spouses to admit that they at least partly suspect that their spouse might eventually see other people during the separation.  Your spouse might be acting on this suspicion or just looking for reassurance, which leads me to my next point.

He’s Trying To Determine Your Frame Of Mind: It’s not uncommon for the spouse who initiated the separation to have a strong suspicion that you are going to be resentful and angry.  Therefore, he might want to keep in close touch to gauge your feelings.  He may want to see if your resentment is going to drive you away.  And he may be feeling some remorse for his actions.

Taking Some Positive Implications From These Annoying Questions:  I know that this is probably very frustrating.  But there are some positive indications here.  If he didn’t care at all, he wouldn’t be calling.  If he wasn’t thinking about you at all and was living it up and celebrating his freedom, he wouldn’t be calling either.   And since this wife didn’t want the separation in the first place and wanted to save her marriage, this was hopefully good news to her.

How To Respond When He Keeps Calling And Asking What You’re Doing:  First, you have to decide what you really want to happen. And ultimately, this wife wanted her husband to come home.  I know that it’s tempting to say something like ‘well what do you think I’m doing? I’m sitting here staring at my sister and living in a strange place because you made me leave my own home for your silly separation,’  but this is a bad idea.  Because you don’t want to discourage him from reaching out to you.  Instead, you want to make him want to check in and initiate contact with you.  So, as difficult as it may be, try to sound as upbeat as possible. Trying to make him feel guilty is the wrong call too because it brings about pain and makes him want to avoid you.  With that said, you don’t want to make it sound as if you are sitting by the phone waiting for his call.  You want for him to know that you have too much self-respect for that.

An appropriate response might be something like: “not much.  I’m just spending some time with my sister.  We’ll probably go out and grab some dinner in a little while.  What are you doing?”

Notice I was light-hearted and I turned the question back to him.  And I alluded to the fact that no one was sitting around waiting.  By asking what he was doing, you’re leaving it open-ended for him to share his feelings.  He might say that he’s not doing anything because he’s lonely.  Or he might say that what he’s really doing is missing you.  The point is to not engage with him and not to ask him why he keeps calling you with his silly questions.  Try to stay positive because this really is a good sign.  It means he is interested and that he is reaching out.  And not all separated spouses fall into this category.  Some husbands rarely call their wives at all, let alone care about their experiences or feelings.

I have to admit that when my husband and I were separated, I would have loved for him to call and ask how I was doing.  Sometimes, there were weeks when I wouldn’t hear from him at all.  He was very distant during our separation and I had to pull out all of the stops and use clever tactics to get him to come home.  Once he was home, I had to rebuild my marriage from the ground up.  But we made it and we are very happy today.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are dealing with a new devastating reality.  They are reeling because their husband has told him that their marriage was a mistake from the start.  So, they are left sitting in stunned silence and unsure where this leaves them, or their marriage.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have been having problems for months.  We fight constantly and they are not fair or pretty fights.  It always boils down the same few things – our different upbringings and our different outlooks.  He’s a risk taker and I am not.  I am conservative and he is not.  The other day, when were in the middle of a fight, my husband blurted out that our marriage was a mistake from the start and that we should just walk out on that same mistake and go on with our lives.  I won’t argue with the fact that we are two different people who often clash, but I have never viewed our marriage as a mistake nor would I ever do so.  This hurts me more than I can say and I don’t know where we go from here. So far, he hasn’t mentioned a divorce or a separation.  We are just sort of ignoring one another.  But I can’t imagine continuing on with a marriage that my own husband views as a mistake.”

My heart went out to this wife.  It is very hard to hear that the man who love and are committed to thinks that your marriage has been a mistake.  But it is very important to keep this in perspective.  Often, people say things in the heat of the moment that they don’t truly mean.  In the following article, I will try to offer some perspective and I’ll offer some insights on what you might consider doing next.

Remaining Calm And Then Responding When He’s Claiming Your Marriage Was A Mistake: As I’ve alluded to, often these words are only said out of frustration or are only meant to hurt you and get a reaction out of you.  As painful as this is, you have to look at it with the understanding that these words may not even be true.  And you really do have to look beyond this when you want to save your marriage.  So a suggested response might be something like: “it hurts me to hear you say this.  I know that we’re struggling right now and we’ve had trouble merging our differences.  But, despite this, I have never seen our marriage as a mistake.   What would be a mistake is for us to continue on in the way that we are.  It’s not healthy for us to fight like this all of the time and to say such hurtful things to one another.  I’d really like to change things so that our marriage will be happy again so that neither of us sees our marriage as a mistake. I’m willing to do whatever is necessary to make this happen.  Are you?”

Understand that your husband may not have an immediate answer.  Whatever you can do to remain calm and to diffuse this situation will help.  Don’t play into his hand or engage with him when you are both angry and hurt.  Staying calm and letting him know that you definitely don’t think your marriage is a mistake will hopefully keep this situation from deteriorating.

Using This As The Gentle Nudge You Need To Change Your Marriage:  As painful as this is, some good can come out of it.  If at least one of you can remain focused and use this to move forward and to change your marriage, then the pain that you are feeling right now will be worth it.  And know that there are plenty of marriages that survive and thrive even when both people have very different beliefs and outlooks.  Sometimes, these differences even enhance the relationship rather than hurt it.  The real key is learning how to work around these differences and allow them to bring you closer rather than to drag you apart.

Plenty of couples have learned new, healthier ways to interact and navigate their differences.  It’s very possible to turn your marriage around if you truly want to.  It really is up to you to be the one to break the cycle that you find yourself on right now.  Often, couples fall into very destructive ways of handling their differences and they often don’t realize this until one or both of them begin to act out in negative ways or begin to make very negative remarks, which is what you are seeing now.  So make sure that you pay attention and that you aren’t just hurt but unchanged.  You can use this as the little nudge you need to finally be the one to initiate change.  I won’t tell you that this will be completely easy, but I will tell you that it’s my opinion that it’s better than continuing to fight and to distance yourself from the one that you love.

Before my husband and I really committed to our marriage, we often said nasty things like this to one another.  We had fallen into awful habits and things got so bad that we eventually separated.  Our marriage needed a complete overhaul in order to save it.  If it helps, you can read about our recovery process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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