Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives whose husbands have started speaking in serious tones about separating. Often, the wife hopes that he isn’t serious or that he will quickly change his mind. But when this doesn’t happen, the wife will sometimes begin to quickly brainstorm her best option or plan, especially since he seems determined to go through with it.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband has been talking about separating for several weeks. Last weekend, he went out and looked at apartments. I had hoped that he was just bluffing, but today, there is actually an unsigned apartment contract on our counter. I am sure he left it out for me to see it. I’m starting to think that he really wants for this to happen. He has been bringing it up for so long. I guess my question is do I let him go? He seems determined to go no matter what I say or do. But, I just feel like if I let him, he won’t come back. But if I force him to stay, he’s going to be so angry and unsatisfied. What is the best call?”

Without my even needing to make any comment whatsoever, the wife already knew exactly what her dilemma truly was. If she attempted to force him to stay, he might reluctantly do so, but he certainly wasn’t going to be happy about this. And, as a result, there was a risk that he was going project these feelings onto his wife and his marriage. So, she may just be delaying the inevitable. But if she allowed him to go, she had no idea what to expect and less control of what the outcome might be. From my own experience and research, I think that there is a better compromise here. I will discuss that more below.

Whatever Happens, He Must Believe That He Has Made His Own Decision: It’s important to understand that a husband who believes that he has no control or no ability to see his own wishes through will often feel quite resentful or angry. Eventually, he may rebel against this and believe that he has to make a grand gesture like leaving, separating, or getting a divorce in order to get his point across. So it’s vital that he believes that any decision that he comes to is completely his own.

Of course, your behaviors and discussions can influence the outcome, but he must feel as if he has the final say. If he doesn’t, there may be resentment and there may eventually be some serious fall out. In short, his feeling that he has no choice or no control may ultimately make the outcome worse.

How To Attempt To Offer Compromise: Of course, we can probably all agree that it’s best that he doesn’t actually leave but still feels that he has the time and space that he perceives he wants or needs. In that sense, if a compromise can be reached, that would be worth pursuing. So you might suggest your leaving for a while, him staying with friends, or him having a week to week arrangement rather than signing a long term apartment agreement.

In short, you want to agree to the shortest time away as is possible in which you have the most control. Your giving him space by moving out of the bedroom is the probably the least permanent choice. The second alternative would be your staying with friends. In either scenario, you can simply come back when you are both ready for that to happen. If he has to leave, then try to see if he can commit to a short, closed ended period of time rather than an open ended one where neither of you know when (or if) it ends.

Understand That You Aren’t Really “Letting Him” Do Anything: I understand where you are coming from because I had the same thoughts when my own husband wanted to leave. I too wondered if I should or could let him go. Looking back now, I realize how absurd that thinking truly was. What was I going to do? Stand in the doorway and physically stop him from leaving? Hold onto his knees as he was walking out the door? How could I expect to do either and have a good outcome?

This was a grown man who wasn’t going to appreciate me telling him that I wasn’t going to let him go. I tell you this because I want for you to know that even if you think this in your own mind, you shouldn’t share this with him. He must always feel like he is in charge of his own wishes and actions.

So a suggested script might be something like: “I saw the apartment contract in the kitchen. I hope that you didn’t make a commitment. In case I haven’t been clear, I understand that you need some time, but I don’t want you to leave. I am willing to work with you to give you the time that you need. I could move out of the bedroom or stay with my sister for as long as you might need. I would also be willing to do whatever is necessary to improve our marriage so that you don’t feel the need to leave. Of course, the ultimate decision is yours. But before you made it, I wanted you to know that I am willing to work with you. I do love you and am still committed to our marriage. I just want to find a way for us to be happy again.”

In this way, you have let him know that he doesn’t have to leave to get the space that he wants.  If he resists or refuses this, then try very hard to get him to agree to a set amount of a short time away.  But to answer the question posed, try not to see if as “letting” him go because in truth, you can’t really stop him from walking out that door.  But you can try to negotiate before he does.

As I alluded to, I tried very hard to refuse to let my husband leave.  Of course, this made him want to leave that much more and he eventually did.  I did eventually get him back, but things would have been much easier if I had negotiated instead of reacting badly.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are glad that they have a family to hold their marriage together but who are also worried that the same family just isn’t going to be enough in the long run. Often, the wife will worry that her children are the only thing tying her husband to her.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband started talking about a separation about seven months ago. Shortly after that, our marriage seemed to get a little better so I tried not to worry about this too much. But a few months after the improvement, he started talking about not being happy again and he started to hint that he was moving out. This has never been what I’ve wanted. I look around and I see that we have so much to be thankful for. Our children mean that we have very good reasons to work things out. But when I tell my husband this, he says that he plans for our entire family to remain close despite the separation. Last night, he came home and told me that he was moving out this weekend. He said that I shouldn’t panic over this because he plans for things to remain very stable for our children. He says that we will still have Sunday dinner and we will still go to football games and do regular family things. I’m grateful for this. But, at the same time, I am not sure that I can do this. How am I supposed to pretend that everything is fine when my heart is breaking? Sometimes, I feel like telling him that I’m not going to allow him to pretend in this way. I feel like telling him that I won’t go along with this unless he commits to the marriage. Am I wrong in my thinking?”

I have to gently say that although I understand the reasoning behind this plan, I don’t believe that it has a high chance of being successful. When your husband is unsure about you or the marriage that you are still very much invested in, applying pressure to that same marriage will very often backfire. Your husband may become angry and he may withdraw from your family. This isn’t in the best interest of you or your kids. I believe that there is a better way, which I will discuss below.

Sometimes, You Have To Concentrate On Whatever Is Left: When you are separated, it’s so easy to place your focus on what isn’t there. You worry about what is going to happen next. You allow your doubts to drive you to behavior that only makes your situation worse. This is perfectly natural. But it is also damaging and it is avoidable.

One way to avoid this trap is to place your focus on what is left and what is still good. Right now, that is your family. I know that it may not feel like it right now, but it is a very positive thing that your husband wants to maintain family closeness, even if it is supposedly only for the sake of your children. Many men want a lot of space during a separation so they will distance themselves from everyone, even their families. The fact that this husband isn’t doing that was a very good sign.

For right now, it might help you to just focus on that positive fact and to eventually build upon it. Yes, it’s upsetting that your husband might only be willing to remain close because of the kids. But one reason is better than no reason and it can help you to rebuild, which leads me to my next point.

Being There For Your Children Can Eventually Help Your Marriage: Just for a second, I want to talk about your children. As difficult a situation as this is, it’s very important that the two of you present a united front and an upbeat attitude. If the two of you appear to be making the best of your current situation, your children are going to follow your example and they are going to worry much less.

And in the mean time, while the two of you are trying to create a positive atmosphere for your children, you have to cooperate and interact with one another. This is a perfect time for you to begin to heal your relationship.

Now, when I say this, I don’t mean that you should use time set aside for your children to question or approach your husband about your marriage. But there is nothing wrong with using this family time as a way to bond and to just have fun times together again.

Because you want for your husband to think of you and have good thoughts. When he is alone in his apartment, you want for him to think of you positively. Bonding when you are spending time together as a family is fair game as long as you are being genuine when you are doing it.

So to address the question posed, I know that this is a very difficult time for everyone. And I know that it is totally natural to feel a little sad or even angry when you suspect that his being part of your family is the only thing that is keeping him near. But it is something. And it shows that your husband is still committed. And that is something upon which you can build.

Frankly, there was nothing holding my husband to me when we were separated.  He had no sense of obligation so my job of saving my marriage was even more difficult.  I was eventually able to do it though, mostly out of sheer stubbornness.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who feel like they can’t quite trust their husband during the trial separation.  Since they don’t live under the same roof anymore, they can’t keep a continuous eye on him.  And since they can’t keep an eye on him, they have to trust him for reliable information.  Unfortunately, sometimes he acts in such a way that the wives doubt his reliability.  And they can begin to wonder if he has ulterior motives.

I heard from a wife who said: “I will admit that I was plenty mad at my husband in the beginning of our separation, but I never really thought that we would end our marriage.  I thought he would go and have his time and then come back because he realized that he was mostly being silly.  But now that we have been separated for about four weeks, I feel like he is manipulating me.  When he wants something or when he knows he’s going to be doing something that I’m not going to like, suddenly he is nice to me.  For example, he wanted to take the kids half way across the country during the school year to go back to visit friends in his hometown.  Frankly, I know that the trip was just for him to have fun and goof off.  He dragged the kids along so it would appear that he had legitimate reasons.  Here’s another example. He took me out to dinner to tell me that he was going back to school even though we can’t really afford it.  He announced it like it was this wonderful thing, even though we hadn’t discussed it. When he doesn’t haven’t any motive or plan, he’s pretty nasty to me and he doesn’t go out of his way to see me.  But when he has something that he wants to do or he has a little scheme in the back of his mind, suddenly he is calling me and being nice.  This has really become a problem.  I want to be happy when he calls.  I want to enjoy my time with him without being suspicious but he makes it difficult.  I need for things to go well between us when we are together, but I now I feel the need to always be on my guard.  What can I do?”

The wife was probably right in her suspicions that the current situation was not conducive to a reconciliation.  So she needed to address this so that every time her husband reached out to her, she wasn’t so guarded that she turned him away.

Make Sure That Your Perceptions Are Accurate: First, I would suggest taking some inventory and looking very closely to make sure that your perceptions are accurate.  Was it fair to say that every single time that he was nice to her there was an ulterior motive?  It might help to make a list of any recent nice gestures and then to also list what was behind it.  You might see that he indeed reached out in a kind or pleasant way without expecting anything in return.  But if you take an honest inventory and find out that your suspicions were correct, then it might be time to discuss this.

How To Make Your Husband Aware Of This Without Making Him Guarded:  The last thing that you want is for your husband to become as guarded as you currently feel.  But if you become accusatory or bring this up in a tone that sounds very angry, you run the real risk of him not wanting to reach out to you in a kind way again for fear that you will take it in the wrong way.  So, you have to be very careful about how you approach this, while at the same time being aware that you need to just be honest so that you can hopefully remove this obstacle.

So the next time that you find your husband reaching out or appearing nice, don’t expect the worst right away.  Give him a chance to prove you wrong at first.  If he in fact does come forward with a motive, then you might say something like “oh brother, and here I thought you were just going to deliver good news without anything behind it.  I love it when you’re happy and sweet.  I love it when you reach out to me and you’re smiling.  But it seems that lately, every time this happens, you have some sort of request that follows it.  Please don’t take this the wrong way.  I don’t want to make you defensive.  It’s just that I know how important it is for us to make real progress right now.  So I really want for us to have some happy times together where there is nothing but us.  Will you promise me that the next time you approach me like this, we can just enjoy ourselves without worrying about anything else?’

Then, just listen.  Your husband might give you legitimate reasons for what you are seeing.  Try not to sound too judgemental. You don’t want for him to be hesitant to continue to reach out to you.

Also, you might want to consider reaching out to him.  Be nice to him without any expectations so that he feels more comfortable reciprocating. Because you don’t want to allow this process (and the reservations that come along with it) to make either of you hesitate to reach out to or to show love or kindness to one another.

I have to admit that I was suspicious every time my husband was nice to me when we were separated because his being even a little receptive to me was such a rare occurrence that I just didn’t trust it when it did happen.  Unfortunately, this made him back off even more.  Getting him back was a long, hard process.  But eventually I was successful and our marriage is much stronger today.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are extremely worried because their husband has made it very clear that he isn’t sure that he’s completely happy with the marriage.  Often, the husband will begin to hint that he needs time to think or to sort out his feelings. As often, the wife will hover or worry as he’s going through this process.  Understandably, she will often check in regularly to see if he has come to any conclusion.  But often, he either has trouble coming to a decision or he is reluctant to share it when he does.

I heard from a wife who said; “my husband told me about three months ago that he felt our marriage was deteriorating.  He said that he didn’t feel a spark or a connection with me anymore and that he felt that the only real reason that we were still together is because of children and IRA’s.  He said that we both know that it would be inconvenient and painful to split our family and our assets so we have been pretending that everything is fine when it is not.  I asked him what he wanted me to do about this and he said that he didn’t expect for me to do anything.  He said that he was going to spend some time thinking about what course of action he wanted to take.  That was about three weeks ago.  Last night, I asked him if he had come to a decision and his answer was that he was ‘evaluating’ our marriage.  I had to ask him to repeat himself to make sure that I heard him correctly.  Evaluating our marriage, like it’s a used car that needs to be tested thoroughly?  What in the world is this supposed to mean? Now all of a sudden I feel like I’ve been given a pop quiz in high school.  How am I supposed to react to this?  And what in the world does he even mean?”

This situation can be maddening. Because it can feel like he has put you in a position where you almost have to impress your own husband or convince him to see your marriage through a more positive lens.  And since you can’t feel what he is feeling or force him to feel any differently, this leaves you guessing as to what is the best course of action while your pride is hurt and you are possibly stewing. But sometimes what he actually means isn’t nearly as bad as you might have suspected.  I’ll discuss some of the possibilities below.

Sometimes What He Means Is That He Needs More Time Or He Doesn’t Want To Feel Pressure:  Sometimes you hear these vague claims of not yet coming to a decision because he wants for you to give him more time.  He hasn’t come to a firm decision or he is not yet sure about or comfortable with the decision that he is leaning toward.  This doesn’t always mean that he is thinking that he doesn’t want the marriage.

But if this rings a bell for you or is possible, it’s best not to pressure him.  Because often, his vague responses are meant to get you to lay off on the pressure.  And when you apply it, he can become frustrated and give you the answer that neither of you want.

You Shouldn’t Treat This As A Test:  Many wives in this situation say that they feel as if they are being tested or watched under a microscope.  And understandably, they either greatly resent this or they try to overcompensate by displaying something that they don’t actually feel (or at least they tend to exaggerate.)  It’s my experience that you should try to resist this urge.  Because if your husband feels that you aren’t being genuine, he will wonder what you are trying to hide or he will think that you are playing games because you know that your marriage is flawed.

I think that the better play is to be genuine and to be honest.   I think that you are better off having a conversation about it than to pretend that things are just fine when you both know that they are not.

A Conversation To Set A New Tone: The next time you are tempted to bring up the “evaluation” and you have the urge to pressure him, instead you might say something like: “well, there’s really not any hurry.  This is our marriage that we are talking about and I don’t want either of us to make a rushed decision.   I think that we both know that things are never perfect in anyone’s marriage.  But I do know that I still love you and that I’m committed to our marriage.  At the end of the day, I hope that is foundation enough and that we can continue to build upon the rest.  But I am fine with you taking the time that you need.  And I could certainly use the time to evaluate on my end.”

This conversation does a couple of things.  You’ve made it clear that you aren’t going to pressure him.  You’ve also made it clear that he is not the sole decision-maker.  And you’ve stressed that the commitment is still there on your end and that you are willing to work with him to make any necessary changes.

So to answer the question posed, I don’t think that you need to panic or apply any pressure if you get general, evasive answers that indicate he’s “evaluating” your marriage.  You just want to conduct yourself positively and honestly so that when he does think about you and the marriage, he has positive aspects to consider.

I will admit that I took things a little too far when I knew that my husband was coming to a decision about our marriage.   I placed way too much pressure on him and this caused him to pull away.  I had a lot of ground to make up in order to save our marriage, but I was successful eventually. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are worried that they have become invisible to their husbands while they are on a trial separation.  They often never wanted the separation in the first place, but they tried to keep a positive outlook and hope that, if it didn’t improve things, they might not have been as bad as the wives had previously thought.  But unfortunately, this doesn’t turn out to be the case when the husband distances himself or makes himself scarce.  The wife will often try to reach out or to remind him of their marriage.  And this doesn’t always have the desired results.

Common comments are things like: “I think my husband would like to pretend like he doesn’t have a wife or a marriage.  He promised that we would be in touch regularly and now he pretty much dodges my calls.  If I come by, he says he was just on his way out.  If I suggest we get together, he says he needs some time before we start meeting regularly.  It’s as if he can’t stand to talk to or see me for more than five minutes.  When I act like my normal self, it’s as if he thinks it’s perfectly fine to ignore me or to put me on the back burner.  I don’t know how to get his attention.  I have considered getting angry and just demanding his attention by acting in ways that are not typical of me but I’m not sure how he would react. I’ve even thought about trying to flirt with him but that is almost laughable right now.  I’ve considered sharing a crisis that concerns my parents just so I will feel like we are partners again.  How can I get his attention?  I want to feel like his spouse again and that I am worthy of his attention.”

I understood this wife’s plight.  There was a time when I wondered if my husband knew that I existed when we were separated.  And frankly, if he knew I existed, I almost think he wished that I didn’t.  I know that it is tempting to  want to do something really dramatic so that he absolutely has to pay attention to you.  But what you need to realize (and what I learned the hard way) is that having the wrong kind of attention can make things worse and can make you wish that you never sought out the attention in the first place.

So while I understand exactly why you feel that you need and want attention, I would urge you to think carefully about how you go about it.  The strategy that any attention is good attention is very risky. In fact, negative attention will often damage the situation even more. I feel that there is definitely a right and a wrong way to go about this which I will discuss now.

Sometimes, You Will Get More Attention From Him When It Appears That You Aren’t Really Trying: I learned first hand that sometimes your husband will give you his attention when it appears that you are not seeking it out.  When my separation became so volatile that my husband had lost all patience with me, I went to my old home which was hours away.  I stopped bugging, calling, texting and reaching out to my husband.  In short, I stopped trying to get him to pay attention to me because I was afraid that I would do something that I might later regret.  And at that point, my marriage could not have withstood more drama. But it was at this time, when I was least trying to seek out attention that he actually began to give me a bit of it.  And I find that this happens a lot.  When you stop trying so hard, you’ll find that his curiosity rises.

If You’re Going To Do Things To Seek Out Attention, Make Sure That These Things Elicit Positive Reactions Rather Than Negative Ones:  I know that it’s very tempting to pick a fight to make him react to you.  I suspect you’ve thought about trying to make him jealous or guilty.  But none of these strategies make him feel genuine affection or longing for you, which is the real goal.  You probably don’t really want his pity or his anger.  You just want a reaction.

So I would suggest that if you’re going to try something new to inspire his interest, then you make sure that it is something positive.  Perhaps you’d like to take a class, lose some weight or improve your appearance in some way.  Maybe you’d like to take up old hobbies that used to make you happy.  Whatever you chose to do, make sure that you chose to do this for yourself and not for him.  Because anything that you do must be incredibly genuine or he will immediately discount what you are doing. You do not want to appear to be desperate or attention seeking.  Instead, you want for it to appear that you are coping as best as you can and are trying to improve your life.

So to answer the question posed, I would suggest considering stopping all of the obvious attempts to get a reaction.  Often, this pause will get his attention more effectively than anything else without any negative results.  And if you do make any changes with the hopes that he will notice, then make sure that the goal is a positive reaction instead of a negative one.

As I alluded to, I had no choice but to use this strategy when my own husband got into the habit of ignoring me during our trial separation.  I basically threw up my hands and gave up for a little while.  And that is precisely when I started to get his attention again.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are devastated that their separation hasn’t turned out like they had hoped. Instead of making things better in their marriage, the separation has only made things worse. And this is why many of them didn’t want the separation in the first place. Even worse, many of the husbands now insist that they are completely sure about their lack of feelings for their wife.  And this can leave her wondering if there is anything left for her to do but to just accept the inevitable.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband said he needed to separate in order to determine how he really feels about me. He told me that for the last year and a half, he has been doubting his feelings for me. So he felt that he needed some time away to make these doubts more clear. I really didn’t have any choice in him leaving but of course they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder so I was hoping that this would be the case for us. Unfortunately, my hopes weren’t realized because my husband called me yesterday and told me that he had come to a conclusion. He said that he doesn’t have any romantic feelings for me and he thinks that we might have to end our marriage as a result. This obviously isn’t what I wanted to hear so I told him that I’d do anything to work on this with him. But he said that he didn’t think there was anything that we could do. He believes that if the feelings aren’t there, they just aren’t there and there isn’t much that you can do about this. I’m devastated that it appears that I need to give up and that there’s nothing more that I can do.”

I really felt for this wife because there was a time when I was worried that there was nothing left for me to do in my own marriage. But sometimes, backing off a little and letting true absence work for you is very a much a strategy that can be quite effective. I know that this can be quite scary. And I certainly can’t promise you that it will work. But, it worked for me and it’s worked for others. And frankly, when I tried it, I was truly out of other options. My husband was lessening the access that I had to him so this was just the next logical step that was going to happen anyway. I will describe how this works in real life below.

Although It’s Natural To Want To Push Harder, This Strategy Often Only Intensifies What Is Already Wrong: I know that hearing him claim that he no longer has any feelings for you is quite painful. So it is natural to attempt to do whatever you have to do to stop this process. It’s very common to try over the top strategies meant to change his mind. You might be tempted to go over in cute or revealing clothes and try to seduce him. You might arrange to just happen to run into him somewhere. Or, suddenly, it might seem like a good idea to attempt to make him jealous by introducing another man into the picture.

I do understand why all of these strategies are tempting. Doing anything, however over the top, seems better than just allowing him to walk out of your life. But often, you will find that these strategies just magnify what is already happening. Instead of your husband saying something like “wow, I’m glad she’s made me realize that I really do still have feelings for her. It’s all so clear to me now,'” he will often resist you instead. And worse, he may be so put off by this whole display that he wants to make sure that the split happens just that more quickly.

People generally don’t associate these desperation inspired strategies as risky, but in my opinion, they are even more risky than backing off, although it typically feels as if just the opposite is true.

Why Backing Off Is Often A Valid Strategy: I understand that when you back off, it feels as if you are doing nothing. It feels like you have given up. But what you may not understand is that this is a calculated pause. You are backing off to introduce some calm into the situation. You are doing this to keep yourself from taking the desperate actions that you might later regret. And you are giving him a chance to sit with the silence that may just feel quite foreign to him.

People often worry that if they do this, their husband is just going to let them walk out of his life and that he might even be glad about it. I can’t tell you that this is not a possibility. But you can always reevaluate if it looks as if this is happening. But many wives are surprised that after a little while, he actually reaches out to her because he’s wondering what brought about this sudden change. And when this happens, he might just realize that some surprising feelings have come to the surface. After all, if he truly feels nothing for you, why would he care?

Does He Mean It When He Says He No Longer Feels Anything For You?: This of course is the most important question. But sometimes, it is just too early to give a yes or no answer. When the separation is new and he feels a sense of freedom or relief, he can begin to equate this with a lack of feeling for you. But that will sometimes pass and he will realize that he’s mistaken. Or he will attempt to date other people and realize that they don’t compare because he misses you. Of course, every man and every situation is different but this is certainly possible. People do change. Feelings do change. So just because he is telling you something today, this doesn’t mean that things are always going to remain this way.

I believe that attraction and loving feelings are necessary for a healthy and successful marriage. But I do not believe that true feelings are always clear or definite during a separation when doubts and feelings are running high.

So although I didn’t know if this husband was going to change his mind or come to a new realization about his feelings, I didn’t think that the wife should just blindly accept this or give up. Instead, I suggested that she give the situation a bit of a break, focus on herself and her own growth and see if the momentary silence helps.

Again, I can’t guarantee any result but I can tell you that backing off during my own separation made all of the difference.  It was the difference between an eventual divorce and saving my marriage.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often have people tell me that they are living in a state of heightened anxiety when they are separated from their spouse. They often are in a quite a bit of pain and they are assuming the worst since it feels as if their life is in turmoil. I understand this completely. The time period when my husband and I were separated was among the most painful and scary in my life. However, looking back now, I realize that I could have done a few things that would have made it go much more smoothly.  I probably could have also spared myself a lot of pain. So in the following article, I will offer some tips on how to best handle a trial separation so that it goes as smoothly as possible and so you have the best chance of it actually improving or saving your marriage rather than ending it.

Don’t Assume That Your Marriage Is Over: I can’t tell you how common it is for people to assume that the beginning of a separation means the end of their marriage. Of course, they hope that this isn’t true. But deep in their hearts, they fear that it is.

While this is understandable, it’s very important that you don’t allow any doubts that you have to cloud your judgement and to affect your actions. Yes, I know that this is scary. But very often, if you fear a thing so much that you place every thought or action in alignment with it, you almost make the thing you fear the most more likely.

Not all couples that separate end up divorcing. Many do not. Some not only save their marriages, they also make their marriages even better. And, even better news than this is that your actions, behaviors, and strategies can have an impact on what happens now. It isn’t as if you don’t have any control over the outcome. You do. So be careful that you don’t give up before you’ve even had the chance to fight. I know first hand that this is a scary time, but try your best to think positively, knowing that this will give you the best chance of success and will make this easier to endure.

Try To Agree On The Particulars Before Anyone Moves Out: I know that it can be painful and awkward to talk about how often you will meet or check into one another beforehand. But this is almost always going to be the best call. One of the biggest issues of conflict once the separation has started is not meeting expectations. Often, one person will assume something while the other assumes another. When expectations or hopes aren’t met, people get hurt feelings or they assume the worst. This can all be avoided if you outline what will happen before someone moves out and before misunderstandings can begin. Try to agree on as much as you can so that you both know what to expect

Outline What You’ll Do To Improve The Situation. Vow To Be Proactive Rather Than Reactive: Many people just blindly hope that the time and distance works for them. In other words, they brace themselves and they hope for the best. I’m not going to tell you that this is an impossible strategy. Often, a separation does show both people that they have taken one another for granted and they often miss one another so much that they are motivated to get along much better.

But, the problem with this is that even though the motivation level goes up, sometimes nothing has been done to work through the issues that lead up to the separation to begin with. So, although that issue may not resurface in the reconciliation phase, it lays in wait until your relationship is under stress again. This brings about doubt and insecurity that can lead to more problems.

In short, if you can vow to work through your problems (and this can happen after the separation is over if this is easier for you,) then you will have much more confidence in your marriage. And, as a result, you will have a much less chance of this happening again.

Don’t Do Things You Will Later Regret. Remember That You Are Still Married: Sometimes when there is a lot of doubt as to what is going to happen with the future of your marriage, it can begin to feel like what you do today isn’t going to matter anyway. One of the biggest things that prevents a reconciliation is when one or both of the spouses engage in behavior during the separation that ends up jeopardizing their marriage. People will often act in such a way that they never would have considered when they weren’t separated. And in a sense this is understandable because you are vulnerable and under a great deal of stress. Therefore, it can feel quite good to let off some steam. Or, it can be tempting to go out for drinks with that cute coworker because it would boost your self esteem at a time when it is desperately needed.

However, I strongly feel that you should resist these temptations. You are still married and I can’t tell you how often I see marriages end because one or both spouses began dating others during the separation. Don’t do anything that would jeopardize your marriage and know that your spouse may find out things that you were sure would remain a secret.

Know That Building Yourself Up And Conducting Yourself With Dignity Is Only Going To Help Your Marriage In The Long Run: People often resist doing self work when they are separated. Understandably, all of their focus is on their spouse, on their marriage, and on what is wrong. But frankly, there is probably never a better time to work on yourself. First of all, you probably have more time to spare right now. Second, it will often make you feel productive and will provide some relief. Third, it will likely make you appear more attractive to your husband. I know that it’s easy to just sit at home and get down about your situation, but doing so doesn’t bring your husband closer to you. But, if he sees you making the best of things because you love and respect yourself enough to do that, then he is going to follow suit. You valuing yourself enough to do this makes you appear more valuable to others.  And heightening your perceived value can be vital right now.

I wish I’d had these tips in the beginning of my own separation.  Unfortunately, I made many mistakes, some of which almost costs me my marriage.  Luckily, I was eventually able to get things together and we reconciled.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who wish that their spouse would just grow up when it comes to conflict within their marriage.  Often, one spouse is very willing to sit down and work through their issues like an adult while the other seemingly is not.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I handle our fights very differently.  I never want to go to bed angry.  I hate conflict.  I immediately want to sit down and work through whatever it is that is going on.   I don’t like to know that their is tension between us.  But he doesn’t seem to care if we are becoming more and more distant from one another.  When my husband and I were dating, I used to hate to go over to his house because his parents always fought quite openly.  There was always a lot of door slamming and yelling. It made me very uncomfortable because that is not the way that I was raised.  My parents rarely raise their voice.  But my husband has no problem yelling and losing his cool.  And lately when I try to get him to sit down and talk about our problems, he tells me that talking won’t fix everything and he sulks.  When I do something that he doesn’t like, he withdraws his affection and he seems to shut me out in order to punish me.  He pretty much just clams up and this drives me crazy.  Sometimes, it is almost like I am looking at a toddler throwing a tantrum.  I want him to grow up.  I want him to sit down and talk to me like a mature adult.  This is our marriage and the rest of our lives that we are talking about.  But my husband just won’t see this.  Instead, he seems perfectly happy to keep right on communicating in this very childish way.  What can I do?”

I felt that this wife was right to be very concerned about this issue.  Many experts say that the way that a couple fights and handles conflict is a very good indicator if that same couple will eventually end up divorced.  The couples who remain married and who stay closely bonded are the couples who have learned to argue in a constructive way.  It’s fine to fight.  In fact, it’s important to clear the air from time to time.  But it’s also vital that the fighting doesn’t become personal.  It’s OK to attack the issue.  It’s not OK to attack your spouse.  It’s not OK to make it personal.  You can hate the habit or the behavior but you can not insinuate that you hate your spouse, at least if you want for your marriage to be a healthy one.

And it’s very damaging and hurtful when one spouse withholds affection or attempts to punish the other during or after a disagreement.  Because things only tend to escalate and deteriorate from there.  So I agreed that it was vital for this couple to learn to work through their problems in a constructive manner.   The wife was more than willing to do this, so now it was time for the husband to get on board.

Making Your Husband Understand The Need To Fight Fairly: The wife had been trying to shame or guilt her husband into changing the way he related to her in conflict.  In short, they had developed a sort of child and parent relationship.  She would take the high road and insinuate that he was being immature and childish.  And although all of those things may have been somewhat accurate, bringing his attention to this probably isn’t going to inspire him to change.  Instead, it is just going to make him more angry and more motivated to ramp up his behavior.

I believe the best way to start is to have a calm and thoughtful discussion when things begin to escalate.  The next time the husband drifted back into this destructive way of dealing with conflict, the wife might say something like: “I need to stop you, honey.  Because this is starting to go to a destructive place and I don’t want for this to keep happening to us.  The whole point of us discussing this is to work through it and to stop the conflict.  But right now we are arguing about something that isn’t even part of the original issue.  This is only making things work.  I know that this is how you are used to dealing with conflict, but it’s very hurtful to me and I don’t feel like it’s doing us any good.  Why don’t we regroup and talk about the real issues at hand.  I’ll go first.”

Then state your version of the events in the most constructive way possible.  When you’re finished, stop and ask him to state his side of things.  If he begins to drift into his old patterns stop him again and redirect him.

Bringing his attention to this is the key.  Since the husband grew up in a tumultuous household, he really didn’t know any other way.  That’s why it’s important to have patience and to try to gently redirect him.  You don’t want to tell him that he’s being childish or immature.  Instead, you just want to show him how to do better.  And when he does, vow to offer all kinds of positive reinforcement.  Because the whole idea is to make him want to do better and to give him the tools to do so.

This might mean that sometimes you have to lead by example and this can seem to be unfair sometimes.  It might feel as though you are the one taking all of the initiative.  But as you keep at it, he should develop a new way of communicating that is vital to saving your marriage.  Because if these two continued to fight in the destructive way that had become a habit, the future of their marriage may be in question. And I doubted that this is what either of them wanted.

Learning to resolve conflict is probably one of the most important skills that you can acquire when it comes to your marriage.  It wasn’t until my marriage as almost retrievably broken until I learned this.  Don’t make the same mistake that I did.  Deal with things quickly before they escalate.  I did save my marriage but I could have avoided a lot of pain and turmoil if I had addressed problems as soon as they surfaced.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are getting the feeling that their separated husband might be thinking about coming home.  But unfortunately, something seems to be stopping him from taking a step in that direction.  Sometimes, the wife suspects that his pride is keeping him from following his heart.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I separated following a huge and nasty fight.  We have fought about silly things before and both later calmed down.  But this fight is one that still feels very fresh.  My husband and I allowed one of his old friends to live with us for about three weeks until his new  home was ready to move into.  I actually didn’t want this, but I knew that my husband was close to this person and would feel guilty if we didn’t open our doors to this guy.  So I agreed to it even though I didn’t like it.  Well, three weeks ended up being about two months.  Because my husband is never home early during the week, the other guy and I became pretty good friends.  I noticed that this bugged my husband but I figured once the guy’s home was ready and he moved out, everything would return to normal.  One day, the other guy had told me a joke and I began to burst out laughing.  My husband returned home right after this and neither of us noticed that he had walked through the door until several minutes later.  My husband got jealous and didn’t talk to either of us for days.  Nothing inappropriate happened and frankly I was absolutely furious that my husband acted like a child over this.  We got into several huge fights over this and things got so bad that he eventually asked for a separation and moved out.  His jealousy made him believe that I didn’t respect or appreciate him.  I was just so angry that he didn’t trust me that I never tried to keep him from leaving. Well, he’s been away from home for about two months.  For the last week, he’s been calling a lot.  We had dinner together two nights last week.  I believe that he is softening his stance and probably wants to come home.  However, he hasn’t said anything about this or made any actual moves toward this.  I believe that his pride is getting in the way.  I believe that he’s too proud to ask to come home because that would insinuate that he has done something wrong.  I want him to come home and I think that this whole thing is silly.  But I don’t think that it’s fair for me to have to ask or beg him to come home because I am not the one who initiated this in the first place.  What should I do?”

The issue of pride during a marital separation is a very common one.  It seems that no one wants to be the first one to mention coming home.  No one wants to feel this vulnerable or to face potential rejection.  And so both people remain silent and become frustrated. And some even make unfortunate assumptions that make things much worse.  That’s why I believe that it’s important that you handle this in the right way.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

Ask Yourself Which Is More Important: Saving Your Marriage Or Preserving Your Pride:  I understand that the wife felt that it was the husband who was allowing his pride to keep him away from his family.  But when you think about it, she was a bit guilty of this also.  She didn’t want to be the one who took the initiative because she felt that he almost deserved to have to swallow his pride and speak up.  In this way, she was almost as guilty of score keeping as he was. And this frankly doesn’t help any one.

There is a way to bring up the topic without it appearing that you are groveling or “giving in” and I will discuss that very shortly.  But you need to ask yourself if your pride or your principles are more important to you than your marriage.  Sometimes, you have to keep your eye on the prize and worry only about the bigger picture.

A Way To Bring Up His Coming Back Home Without Appearing To “Give In” Or To Grovel:  If you feel that you are going to need to be the one to take the initiative but don’t want to appear that you are giving in, there’s a way to do this and still keep your pride in tact.  The next time that your husband and you are having dinner or interacting in a positive way, you could say something like “have you thought about what you want in the future?  It seems to me that things are cooling down and improving between us.  Frankly, I hate that it has come to this.  I love you and I know that you love me.  It seems a little silly that we are living apart.  Of course, when you return home is your own decision and I’m certainly not trying to pressure you.  The pace is truly up to you.  But I’m not angry anymore and it seems to me that you aren’t either.  So I’m a bit puzzled as to why our living arrangements haven’t changed.”

Then you just wait and see what he has to say. He may agree with you and be relieved that someone has finally broke the tension.  Or he might become defensive or rehash the argument.  But no matter what he does, remain calm and allow him to say whatever he has to say.  Avoid telling him that he was being silly or that he overreacting.  Never say “I took you so.”  And make sure that when the conversation is finished, the mood is a positive one. If you can do this successfully, the odds are good that no one’s pride will be in the way of your marriage.

Don’t Forget About The Issues That Forced The Separation In The First Place:  Of course, the goal is to break the stale mate and to get him to come home.  But there’s a real risk in him coming home without really resolving anything.  Remember that there is still the issue of him not trusting his wife and of him feeling not respected or loved enough. Although there is no need to dwell on this so much that you reignite the problem, there is a need to settle these issues so that they don’t sneak up on you again.  And these problems will generally work themselves out when you place your focus on strengthening your marriage so that you have more confidence in it.

I really had to swallow my own pride when my husband and I were separated.  This wasn’t easy.  But at the end of the day, my marriage was the most important thing to me and I eventually acted accordingly.  If it helps you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who worry that it is all their fault when their spouse has new doubts about coming home after a trial separation. Usually, the fact that their spouse was even considering coming home was a hard fought battle. And when something changes this, it can feel like you may never get the same chance again.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband left me about seven months ago for a trial separation. Our marriage had deteriorated to the point where we just fought all of the time. And this went beyond just mere disagreements. Our fights had taken on a rather nasty tone where we were insulting one another constantly.  The tension in the house had gotten too high to be healthy for either one of us. So if I’m being honest, I have to say that it was a little bit of a relief when he moved out. But about a week later, I realized how much I missed him and how much of a mistake allowing him to leave might have been. I started asking him to come back home about two months into the separation and he would never give me a straight answer. As the months passed, I became more and more desperate to get him home. I tried everything but he would never say for sure that he was going to return. The last couple of weeks have been much better. We have gone out together several times and things have gone well. But then the other night, our arguing ways started to resurface. I immediately panicked and told my husband that we just couldn’t return to fighting and that if we had any hope of him coming home and making our marriage work then we had better learn new ways to relate to each other. Then my husband snapped and admitted that he had been considering moving back home but now that he saw that there was still so much conflict, he felt that it was best that he just stay where he was. The reality of this hit me this morning. After seven long months, he was finally thinking about coming home and now I opened my big mouth. What if he never gets back to the point where he wants to come home? What can I do?”

This wife was very quick to blame herself but I didn’t think that her speaking up was all that terrible. The fighting was a legitimate concern. And if this couple didn’t do anything to learn how to communicate more positively and constructively, then there was every reason to believe that the fights would continue once he returned home. And if that happened, then the couple would be right back to where they started. So it was very important that the couple use this separation as a time to make some progress on the one issue was which dividing them. I felt strongly that there was a way for the wife to stress this while still trying to undo the damage that had already been done. I will discuss that now.

Undoing What’s Been Done And Setting The Stage For The Future: I would suggest giving things a couple of days to calm down. And then at that time, the wife could give the husband a call and say something like: “I’m really sorry about the way that things went the other night. I felt like we were really starting to make some progress and I’m hoping that we haven’t gone backward. I think it’s pretty clear that what I want is for you to come home so that we can save our marriage. But at the same time, I want for our marriage to be a happy, healthy and lasting one. And I’m afraid that we can’t do that if we still have the same issues. So while my greatest wish is that you come home immediately and today, I also think that we should agree to work on the way that we approach our problems. Can we set a time frame so that both of us know what to expect? If we could agree on what’s going to happen moving forward, I think we could then turn our attention to learning new ways to communicate. Can we agree to give ourself say a month to work on this? And then if things are going well, you will come home? Believe me, I’d like for you to come home tomorrow, but I think we have a better chance for success if we know that things will work well once you get home. Will you agree to this?”

I know that many people in this situation would be tempted to just urge him to come home no matter what and I completely understand this. During my own separation, there were times when I was sure that I could not live without my husband for even one more day. So I completely get wanting to just get him home already. If this is the route that you decide to take, then at least vow to work on your conflict resolution right after he returns home. Because it would be quite heartbreaking to get him home only to have him leave again once the fighting resumed.

So to answer the concern posed, I didn’t think the wife ruined everything by speaking up. Someone needed to address the reoccurring issue. And in the long run, her bravery could  actually help her marriage.

There were several times when my husband indicated that he had been considering coming home.  And every time this didn’t happen immediately, I blamed myself and I thought I had been doing something terribly wrong.  Looking back now, I’m glad he was a bit delayed.  Because this gave me a chance to learn new skills that I am absolutely convinced transformed my marriage.  If he had come home before this, we may not have made it.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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