Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who fully realize that their mistake might cost them their marriage.  Most of them are deeply sorry and are looking for a way to inspire their spouse to give them one more chance.   Sometimes though, this is a tall order because their spouse has already left them or initiated a separation.

I heard from a wife who said: “I will admit that my marriage is in jeopardy because of my own actions.  I was looking for attention online and my husband caught me.  This has eroded the trust in my marriage.  I was chatting with men on Facebook behind my husband’s back.  Flirting in this way boosted my self esteem, which I desperately needed at the time because my husband wasn’t offering me much support.   This isn’t an excuse.  It’s just the truth.  So I was corresponding in inappropriate ways with other people, but I never intended to cheat on my husband.  I would never do that.  My husband doesn’t believe this.  And as soon as my husband read some of the correspondence, he packed his bags and left.  We have talked a couple of times, but he certainly doesn’t go out of his way to call me.  He says that he doesn’t know what our future holds, but he knows that he doesn’t trust me or want to be around me right now.  I know that I can’t take any of this back.  But in the future, I would love to get my husband back.  Is this going to be possible?  It’s so amazing to me that this one little mistake can cost me my marriage.”

Unfortunately, only time and perhaps a little work was going to determine if it was possible to get this husband back.  Only he could make that decision.  With that said, I believe that there are things that you can do to substantially increase your chances of getting him back.  I will discuss that more in the following article.

Know That None Of This Is Impossible, But You Need To Make It Clear That This Mistake Will Never Be Repeated:  Plenty of couples reconcile and end up staying together while happily married after one of them makes a huge mistake.  But, this doesn’t always happen on its own.  You will often have to earn the trust that has been lost.  And you will have do something to prove to him that whatever caused you to make the mistake in the first place has been resolved.

In this case, it was probably safe to assume that the husband questioned his wife’s loyalty and faithfulness to him.  Sure, she could claim that she never intended to cheat.  But most people will read those steamy emails and worry that it was only a matter of time before things turned physical.  And it’s also perfectly normal to assume that your spouse turned to someone else because you couldn’t provide what they needed at home.  This can lead to insecurity and a serious breach of trust.  I don’t say this to rub salt into your wounds.  I say this because I want for you to have a realistic assessment of what you have to overcome, which leads me to my next point.

Be Willing To Be Patient And Sincere: I know first hand that it is easy to panic when your spouse leaves you.  It is lonely and scary.  And it is absolutely normal to want to get him back as soon as possible.  But here is what you sometimes do not consider.  He will often need some time in order to feel safe and justified in believing in you again.  He will often need to wait and see how you act and what you do.  He may well suspect that as soon as the two of you are separated, you might pick right up with one of the other men with whom you were corresponding.  So, it may be a while before he is satisfied that you are really only interested in him and in repairing your marriage.

Not only that, but if you immediately start pushing for him to come home, then he is going to suspect that you are willing to say or do anything in order to get your way.  But, he may worry about what happens when or if he comes back home.  He may think that your words are just empty and only meant to help you obtain a short term goal.  This is why he will often be hesitant to believe what you are saying.  And that is where patience comes in.  You will often need to show him your sincerity over the long term.  Because this is the only way that he is going to trust that you are sincere and that you are in this marriage for the long haul.

Understand That He May Need Some Repeated Reassurances:  It may be normal for your husband to have doubts about your marriage and about your loyalty to him.  To that end, he may repeatedly ask you the same questions or express the same doubts.  And yes, this can be troublesome for you.  Because you may feel as if you are offering the same reassurances over and over again.  But try not to lose your patience.   Understand that all of this is necessary because of your own actions.  But don’t give up.  Plenty of couples make it past this.  Yes, you may have to accept slow and gradual gains and you may have to work very hard to reestablish the trust, but it is possible.

Accept Slow Gains:  Remember when I talked about how normal it was for your husband to have doubts? This is why you may have to accept slow gains.  And this can actually be beneficial because gradual changes are more likely to be seen as sincere and they are more likely to stick.  Be willing to just reestablish the communication and to begin to rebuild your relationship before you suddenly start asking him to come back home.  Be willing to show him gradual results that he can believe in before you ask him for anything in return.  And don’t make excuses.  Take responsibility for your actions and take responsibility for making this right.

I don’t want for anyone to be discouraged.  I believe that it is often possible to save your marriage even when things look very bleak.  Countless people told me that my marriage was over, but I hung in there and refused to give up.  And this attitude helped me save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are starting to think that their marriage is a lost cause.  Often, they are more than willing to do whatever is necessary to reconnect with their husband.  But, unfortunately, their husband is not nearly as willing to reconnect with them and this can leave the wife wondering if she even stands a chance.

I heard from a wife who said: “for the last couple of years, my husband and I have been drifting further and further apart.  It is to the point where we just avoid one another.  We are like roommates.  Both of us try to keep busy with our jobs.  And we never go out together.  If we feel like getting out of the house, we go out with our separate friends instead of each other.  Frankly, I’m very lonely.   And I don’t really see the point of being married when you are not happy and you are not connected with your spouse.  My husband is a good man and I love him.  But I am not sure that I want to live this way anymore.  The other day, I asked my husband to go on a long vacation in order to reconnect.  I was stunned when he announced that he did not want to reconnect with me.  He explained that he feels as if our marriage is too far gone and that we are little more than strangers.  I certainly would not take it that far.  We live together for goodness sake.  I think that if we really put our minds to it, then we can get back to where we once were.  But I don’t think that this is going to be possible if he’s not even willing to meet me halfway.  What now?”

I have to disclose upfront that what I am about to tell you is only my opinion from my own experience.  But I believe that it is possible to reconnect with a reluctant spouse if you are willing to accept gradual progress and you are willing to not telegraph and announce what you are doing.  It’s my belief that you don’t always need your spouse’s initial cooperation in order to strengthen or save your marriage.  I will discuss this more below.

Sometimes, You Can Reconnect When You Are Not Obviously Trying To Do Just That:  Many people assume that in order to reconnect, they are going to need to announce their intentions to their spouse and then, with their spouse’s enthusiastic cooperation, they are going to embark on activities meant for the sole purpose of improving your marriage.  There are two problems with this assumption.  First, you don’t always have your spouse’s enthusiastic cooperation.  And second, when you announce what you are trying to do with a reluctant spouse, you will often get resistance which contributes to the whole think feeling staged or forced.  When this happens, you don’t have the best chance of success.  Because when things feel off between you despite your obvious efforts, then one or both of you might assume that it is just too hard to reconnect or it just isn’t going to be possible.

What I Think Is A Better Compromise:  I think that it is better to just proceed on your own, especially at first.  And you don’t need to announce what you are doing.  In fact, sometimes it is better not to.  Because your goal right now should be to overcome your husband’s objections and reservations about reconnecting.  I can tell you that many husbands who comment on my blog are reluctant to recommit because they think that it is just going to be too difficult or ineffective. So, one way to overcome this is to show him that it can be more easy and effective than he thinks.  If you can proceed in a light-hearted way so that you make relatively speedy and easy progress, he may eventually realize that he was wrong.

How do you do this?  You just try to make sure that the two of you have more fun, laugh more, and revisit those things that used to be so easy and meaningful between you.  This often isn’t as difficult as you may think.  It helps to start very small so that you can get some successes which will build your confidence.  Take a walk together.  Have a light-hearted conversation.  Reminisce about old memories and try to create some new ones.  Don’t put a lot of pressure on the situation.

It seemed as if both of these spouses were going out on a regular basis but not with one another.  A good place to start would be to gradually begin going out more together.  Don’t force it so that it feels awkward.  Just keep it short and light.  If you have fun during one outing, schedule another.  If things go wrong, regroup and wait for a bit and then try again.

After you do this for a while, your husband should be more receptive to you.  And at that time you can revisit the whole reconnecting issue.  But honestly, if you do this correctly and have some success with it, you will usually find that you are already well on your way to successfully reconnecting, even if you haven’t defined it or had his full cooperation.

I had to use a similar strategy in my own marriage.  My own husband really wasn’t interested in making things work.  So I had to approach this in a roundabout way that he wouldn’t resist.  This gradually worked.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from wives who are confused and a bit frustrated by their separated husband’s behavior.   Even though their husband is the one who pushed for the separation, he is still showing affection toward his wife.  He may even be speaking affectionate language that can make the wife wonder if this means that a reconciliation is in the future.

Common comments are things like: “my husband wanted a three month separation to which I did not agree.  I tried various things to talk him out of this but nothing worked.  So, last week, he finally went to stay with his old college roommate.   This scared me more than I can express, but I felt a little better once I saw that my husband was going to keep in constant touch to check in.  We don’t see each other as much as I would like, but we do talk on the phone frequently.  And every time we do, he signs off by telling me that he loves me.  I always respond that I love him too.   I am happy that we can still reassure each other in this way but it leaves me confused and sometimes I want to answer with something like ‘well if you love me so much, why are we separated?’ but I don’t dare say anything.  Is it a good sign that he is telling me that he loves me?  Because I find it confusing and I am not sure what he means by this.  Sometimes I wonder if he is just saying this because he knows that I am so upset by the separation and he is trying to offer me some consolation.”   I will address these concerns in the following article.

Although Loving Words Are Reassuring, You Shouldn’t Depend Solely On Them:  I absolutely found it reassuring that this husband was expressing his continued love for his wife.  Because this is most certainly not always the case.   Some husbands distance themselves from their wives or act downright hostile during the separation.  So the fact that this husband was not only receptive to his wife but also affectionate was a very good sign.  It showed that he was still willing to feel favorably toward her and he felt comfortable expressing the same.

But as positive as all of this is, it’s very important that you still remain deeply rooted in reality.  I don’t say this in order to insert some negativity into the equation.  I say this because I know from experience that the best chance that you have of saving your marriage for the long term is actually addressing what lead to your separation in the first place.  You don’t want to just depend on your love for one another to see you through.  Because countless couples deeply love one another and yet, they still don’t make it.  And often, they don’t make it because the issues between them become bigger than their feelings for one another.

That’s why it’s so important that you are very proactive about not only expressing your continued love, but in taking the steps necessary to ensure that the same love is not in vain, which leads me to my next point.

A Suggested Way To Reply: I agreed that the wife should tell her husband that she loved him when he said the same.  But, I thought that she might take it a step further and say something like: “I love you too and that’s why I want for us to use this time to fix whatever is broken so that we are both happy and fulfilled in our marriage.  I am confident that we can do that if we work together.  Will you work with me to make that happen?”

Now, your next step is going to depend upon what the issue truly is and how comfortable your husband is with various methods of working through this.  Counseling can be extremely helpful, but only if he is willing to participate in it.  Some people are more comfortable with working this out amongst themselves and others are going to need some additional help, even if that only entails educating yourself with self help materials.  The method that you use doesn’t really matter in my opinion as long as you are moving forward and you are both participating.

So to answer the question posed, yes, I think that it is a very good sign when your separated husband is expressing love for you because this isn’t always the case.  But while this is very encouraging, often love is not enough.  Plenty of couples who love one another deeply separate and eventually divorce.  In fact, some divorced people are very forthcoming about the fact that they will always love their ex spouse.  But they will tell you that their problems were more persuasive than their love.

That’s why it’s so important that you identify what is truly wrong and fix it so that you are in a situation where you can once again focus on how much you love one another rather than on how much is wrong between you.  I am not saying this to discourage you.  I am saying this to help you so that you can get your marriage back.  I tried to skip some important steps during my own separation and it almost cost me my marriage.  I eventually recovered and we reconciled, but not without a lot of detours that could have been avoid.  If it helps, you can read about what finally worked on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are struggling with formulating a workable plan after their separated husband has informed them that, at least in his opinion, the marriage just isn’t going to work. Much of the time, the wife does not agree with this assessment because she was hoping to save her marriage all along.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have only been separated for about three months. All along, I haven’t made a secret of the fact that I hoped that this was only temporary.  My husband agreed to call it a trial separation. So I was hopeful that we would eventually find our way back to one another. We see each other a couple of times per month, mostly because this is all that he will agree to. I have repeatedly asked him to go to counseling because I feel that it will really help us. He refuses. The other day, I once again asked him if he just go for one counseling session. That is when he announced that our marriage just wasn’t going to work. I asked him why he would say something like that. And his response to me was that he was saying it because it was true. Why does he get to decide that it isn’t going to work? And how does he know that it won’t work if he won’t even try? Do I just have to accept his opinion?” I will try to address these concerns below.

Know That One Person’s Opinion Is Not Reality: Needless to say, this wife was absolutely panicked and she worried that her marriage was over. I understand this as I felt the same way. But I have to tell you that until your divorce is actually final, I don’t think that you should just blindly accept this as the final truth. Frankly, I have seen many marriages turn around when one spouse was sure that it was over. People change their minds all of the time. Situations improve frequently.

So just because your husband could potentially be having a bad day or is particularly resistant to counseling and trying to get out of it, this doesn’t mean that he is going to feel this way next month or next week. I am not asking you to ignore reality. However, I do know that things can change. And if I had accepted my husband’s assertion early in our separation that our marriage was over than we may not be married today.

Why It Might Be A Good Idea To Temporarily Back Off A Little Bit: I could be wrong, but I suspected that the husband’s assertions that “the marriage wasn’t going to work” were in part based on his reluctance to pursue counseling and on his resistance to his wife’s constant insistence that they “work” on their marriage.

Since it was obvious that the husband was incredibly resistant to this strategy, it might make sense to back off of this same strategy. Frankly, you will sometimes have more success in saving your marriage when you aren’t very obviously proclaiming your strategy and game plan. Sometimes, you have to just focus on very small improvements that give you quick and successful results that allow for you to gain momentum and build.

So it may make sense to respond with something like: “well, I’m very sorry to hear you say that because I think that our marriage can work. At this point, all I really want for the immediate future is to maintain a healthy relationship with you. Our relationship is too important to me to just let it go because we are both frustrated. I realize that our relationship may go through some changes in the future, but for now, I just want to hold on to the bond that we have, even if our relationship ultimately changes. I want for us to have a carefree and easy relationship again, no matter what we are calling that relationship at the time.”

Understand that this whole conversation is meant to set up some progress in the future. You are letting him know that you are no longer going to be applying the pressure. You are stressing that you want for things to be light and easy between you rather than heavy and hard. And, if he knows that you aren’t going to be making huge demands and requests of him, then he is going to be less likely to resist you.

Accept Small Gains. Don’t Think That You Have To Make Your Marriage Work Perfectly Immediately: Since your husband has stressed that he doesn’t think that your marriage is going to work, I know that you may be tempted to overcompensate just to show him that it can. But sometimes, I think that we focus on goals that are just too big under the circumstances. When a man has drawn a line in the sand and proclaimed that he doesn’t want to go any further, he will often resist you when he sees that you are trying to proceed anyway.

Instead, you will often have more success if you don’t push it and instead settle for small victories. Just accept a few minutes together over a cup of coffee rather than demanding he give you a couple of hours in a counselor’s office. Try to make your time together fun and low key. You want for him to come to understand that the relationship between you can be quite easy without needing a lot or work or effort from either of you. Honestly, you don’t need to keep bringing every topic back to your marriage right now. That can happen later once you have reconnected.

But for right now, it is often a better idea to set your goals a little lower so that you can have small successes on which you can build. I know that this probably doesn’t sound particularly exciting, but it is a strategy that can work.  I know because I used it myself during my own separation.  And because of it, I am still married today.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are desperate to get their husbands to agree to give them one more chance in order to save their marriage. But unfortunately, the success rate with this plan can be very low, especially if your husband believes that you are only trying to get him to agree in order to stall or keep him from getting what he really wants. Therefore, it can be difficult to carry this out without appearing to be manipulative or desperate.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have been struggling with our marriage for over a year. He wants to end things and I feel like we have just hit a rough patch that we can get over if we try. It’s not as if anyone has cheated, lied, or abused the other. We just aren’t getting along that well. We don’t really work through our problems in healthy ways, but I feel that we could learn to do that with just a little bit of effort. I feel like if he would just give me a chance, then I could show him that our marriage could be saved and this would all be worth it. But he’s apparently not even willing to try. I have asked him to give me one more chance to save our marriage and he has essentially denied that request. He says that he will hold off on doing anything like a separation or a divorce over the holidays because of our children. He says that things can just stay the way that they are for a couple of months. But he says that once the new year starts, then he is going to begin to explore being single again. How am I supposed to handle this? Do I just have to accept that he won’t ever give me one more chance? Do I just have to give up?”

Admittedly, I am not the most objective person to ask. I refused to give up on my marriage even though my husband wasn’t at all invested in saving it. Granted, this process was sometimes painful, lonely, and unsuccessful. But I hung in there and he eventually came around. I guess my take on this is that you don’t need anyone’s permission or blessing to try and save your marriage. You can proceed on your own, even though the process may be a bit more difficult without his cooperation. I will discuss this more below.

You Can Make Important Changes And Shifts All On Your Own: Often, when we think about saving our marriage, we envision this huge overhaul in which both people have to roll up their sleeves, buckle down, and essentially make huge sweeping and dramatic changes. This isn’t always the case. Yes, you will have to remove the obstacles that are in your way and you will most certainly have to facilitate improvement on the issues that divide you.

But often, it is the small changes that bring about a return to intimacy and a light-hearted playfulness that are going to have the most impact. Think for a second about when you were first falling in love. You may have also have had some issues then, but you didn’t let them get in your way because you treasured every second with the other person. You were having fun. You were getting a huge payoff. And you will willing to downplay whatever issues you faced because your feelings were stronger than any problems or reservations you may have had.

This is very important to understand. Because if you can return to a place of connectedness and intimacy, you will often find that your problems don’t seem nearly as insurmountable. When you are having fun with your husband and the pay off is there, you are willing to overlook the things that likely divide you right now. The same is usually true for him. By no means am I saying that you should gloss over your problems. You shouldn’t. But I do believe that you should take advantage of an improving situation because this is often what makes all of the difference.

Take Advantage Of Any Short Reprieve: I know that this wife didn’t feel as if she had an advantage but honestly, she did. Because the holidays were coming up, she had several weeks to work with. She was also coming upon a time of the year that brings families closer together. This wife knew that her husband wasn’t going to take any action in the very near future. This allowed her some time to try to reestablish some fun and intimacy.

Honestly, I thought it might be beneficial to back off of the whole dialog about having one more chance to save the marriage. This sort of language implies desperation and that there is something gravely wrong.  As a result, the way that you package this will often be not as attractive as it should be.  So instead of presenting him with something you suspect he may reject, just focus on reconnecting with your husband and your family over the holidays. If this arouses any suspicion in him or if he asks what you are doing, simply tell him that although you aren’t sure what the future holds, you want for your family to have a nice and meaningful holiday. He is more likely to cooperate with this.

Frankly, when you use language like “one more chance” you almost put yourself in a situation where you have to accept all or nothing. Instead, consider just taking this language off the table and see what happens if you take your focus off the marriage and place it on the two people involved. See if you can remember what brought you together in the first place. And instead of looking at what is so wrong, look at what is still right and slowly build upon that with a sense of play. Everyone responds better to positive reinforcement.

If you can successfully take some of the pressure off and focus on what connects you instead, you will often find that you don’t really need a last chance because no one is still thinking of the marriage in dire terms.

As I alluded to, my husband and I were actually separated when I decided that focusing on all of the negativity and fear was actually making a divorce more likely.  So, I decided to move slowly toward small improvements that would be easy to achieve.  This made all of the difference and it allowed us to make real progress. If it helps you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are extremely disappointed with the outcome that follows their trial separation.  Often, they have worked so long and hard to get their spouse to come home that they never considered that the reality wouldn’t meet their expectations.  In fact, most of us assume that once we have met this goal, then everything else will fall into place.

I heard from a wife who said: “we were separated for three long months which were the worst months of my life.  At first, my husband wouldn’t even take my calls.  But over time, I lowered his resistance and within the last month, things have improved between us.  Last week, I asked him to move back home and he agreed.  We had the most romantic weekend packing up his things and moving him back home.  But lately, it seems like the honeymoon is over and we are fighting once again.  Last night, I sat down and cried because I realized that after all of this, nothing is really any different.  Does this mean that my marriage is never going to get any better and that this is all there is?  Because if that is the case, then I don’t want to live this way and I think that I am just going to let him go even though I love him and this is breaking my heart.”

This correspondence really touched me because I hate to hear that someone is considering giving up on their marriage when it may not even be necessary.  I understand that it was very discouraging to work so hard to get him to come home, only to discover that, in the end, you haven’t really gained any ground at all.   But I think that sometimes we give up too early.   And I will tell you why below.

If You Never Really Fix The Problem, You Still Have A Crumbling Foundation: Sometimes, we don’t lay the groundwork during the separation.  We haven’t fixed what lead us to the separation in the first place.  So it’s no wonder that the cracks begin to show eventually no matter how much we wish for the opposite to happen.

Think of it this way.  Let’s say that your house gets a crack in the foundation.  The crack begins to spread, but not wanting to spend the time or money, you try to patch the crack and paint over it.  In the short term, it looks better and you start to congratulate yourself that you were successful – until the crack shows itself again even bigger and more ugly this time because you never really fixed it to begin with.

And I don’t say this to discourage you.  I say this because I want for you to get down to work and fix your foundation once and for all so that the cracks never make their way back into your house and into your marriage.

Identify The Real Problems And Fix Them.  What Are The Triggers That Set This Into Motion?: Ask yourself what patterns you are still following, what issues continue to come up, and what buttons are still being pushed.  Answering these questions is the first step toward fixing and removing these reoccurring issues that can make a marriage feel too damaged to save.  The sad thing is that sometimes, only some time and attentive care is needed to eliminate the problems so that you can begin to enjoy the progress that you have made and actually enjoy your marriage again.

Unfortunately, the honeymoon or making up phase passes pretty quickly and if no real change has occurred, then people fall into their old destructive habits, revisit their old destructive fights, and revert to their old ineffective ways to deal with this.

Where Do You Go From Here?: People will often ask me if their spouse should move back out so that they can start over.  My opinion on this is that they should not.  It is easier to fix your issues when you are both under the same roof simply because you have easier access to one another and you are more motivated.  But, if you are living apart, it is much more difficult to put the quality time into it that is needed.

Instead, I would suggest staying where you are and starting as soon as possible. As soon as you see yourself repeating the same patterns, you might want to say something like: “I’m sure this isn’t what either of us envisioned when we decided that you’d come back home. I feel like we are resorting back to the same bad habits.  This marriage is so important to me.  I believe that we both want and deserve a more healthy relationship.  Will you work with me to pinpoint and then fix our biggest issues so that our reconciliation will be what we were both hoping for?  We deserve the marriage that we both want, and I believe that it is within our reach if we both work together.”

This is just a start, of course. Once you have your spouse’s cooperation, you’ll both need to be very observant about your behaviors and habits.  You’ll need to be honest about what isn’t working and then be proactive about fixing it.  But the good news is that if you are both motivated, you can rebuild to the place where you want to be.

I worked tirelessly to get my husband home after he left.  So it felt like a letdown when we still had to work on our marriage once he returned. But the effort has certainly been worth it. Our marriage is better than ever. I would never go back. If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are don’t know how to handle their spouse’s swinging emotions and behaviors.  Often, it’s obvious that there are problems in the marriage, but because their spouse seems to constantly change his or her mind, it can be very hard to determine the true reality of the situation.

I heard from a wife who said: ” lately, my husband is angry at me all of the time.  We have hit a rough patch in our marriage.  He got downsized from his job so that means that I am working extra hours.  There is a lot more stress now and it seems that we snap at one another rather than coming together.  He gets angry if I go out with friends after work just to blow off steam.  He feels that I am immature and that we have different value systems.   When we argue lately, my husband has been getting more angry than usual.  Not only does he get mad and frustrated, but he insinuates that we are not compatible and shouldn’t be married.  Then, he threatens to leave me.  Sometimes, he even storms out for a little while.   After a couple of days, he apologizes and asks to reconcile.  I always agree to this because I am not the one who was so angry in the first place.   I know that we need to work on our marriage, but it is very hard to take him seriously when I know the path that this is always going to take.  I’m starting to become desensitized to his anger.  It’s getting to a point where I just roll my eyes when he gets frustrated because what else is new?  Where do we go from here?”

This is a very common situation but it is also a potentially problematic one.   The issue of the increased stress can shake any marriage.  But equally troubling was the fact that the wife was starting to zone out every time this cycle started up again.  Eventually, the husband could feel that he needed to increase his threats in order to get her attention.  This might entail him actually leaving her or initiating a separation.  And I knew that this was not what she wanted.  So I felt that it was very important for her to take this seriously and to try to break this cycle.  I will discuss how to do that below.

Starting A Conversation Toward Change:  I believe that the best thing to do here would to be to face the issue head on.  The next time that the wife noticed her husband becoming frustrated and she knew where the whole thing was headed, she might say something like:  “hang on for a second.  Before we repeat the same old destructive patterns, I’d like to sit down and talk about this.  Honey, I know that we are both stressed out right now.  I know that we are doing the very best that we can.  But clearly, this work situation is pulling us apart instead of bringing us closer together.  Right now, we should be huddled together, trying to buffer each other from this stress.  But instead, we are turning on one another and that is the last thing that I want.  And I certainly don’t want for you to leave.   Neither of us should be talking about leaving.  Instead, we need to talk about how to fix this.  I can share with you that your retreating and getting angry every time we disagree hurts me.  I wish that you would tell me what is really bothering you instead so that I can fix it.   I’m more than willing to hear about what can I do to help with your stress level.  I think that if we try, we can pull together and get through this, but if we treat each other like the enemy, then we are only making it worse.  Will you help me make this better?”

This may not be the only conversation that you need to have, but hopefully it will be the start of a more healthy process.  Since this has become a cycle, you may need to continue to draw your husband’s attention to his negative behaviors.  If he becomes angry again and talks about leaving, you might say something like: “I thought we agreed that we wouldn’t turn on one another and make threats.  You know that I don’t want you to leave.  And I don’t think that you want to leave either.  So let’s sit down and talk about what is really wrong.”

Once your husband learns that you are no longer going to play along with this cycle, he will hopefully stop.  Yes, you may have to draw his attention to his behaviors and you may have to redirect him several times.  But that is so much better than engaging with him and making the whole thing worse.  What you want to do is diffuse the problem and then reconnect.  But the last thing that you want is for him to think that you aren’t taking him seriously so that he feels that he actually needs to leave in order to get your attention.

I wish I had taken my husband’s cues more seriously before our separation.  I knew that things weren’t perfect between us, but I also hoped they would blow over.  They didn’t.  We eventually separated and almost divorced.  I was able to save my marriage, but the the process would have been so much easier if I had just paid attention to begin with.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are starting to notice great improvements in their relationship when they have been on a trial separation.  Often, they want to hope that these improvements mean that the separation might end and that their husband might come home.  But they are afraid to address this directly because they are afraid of rejection.  So, they aren’t sure if it’s in their best interest to just be honest and ask their husband if he wants to come home and end the separation, or if they should just wait to see what happens.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have been on a trial separation for about three months.  At first, things were very rough.  He was avoiding me and I think that he was considering going out with other women.  I didn’t know if our marriage would survive, but slowly, it has gotten better.  Gradually, we started to talk and see each other more and more.  For the past couple of weeks, he has started calling and coming by.  We have started flirting with one another.  He bought me a present yesterday and swung by my office and asked me to have dinner.  At the end of the night, we started kissing but my husband backed away and said that we shouldn’t let things go too far.  I am practically walking on air because it finally looks like my marriage might have a chance after all.  I told one of my coworkers that I was considering asking my husband is he wants to just end the separation and come home. But my coworker feels that this would be rushing things.  She said that I would be better off just waiting and making sure that things are right between us before I had this conversation. Is she right?  Would I be wrong to ask him to come home and end the separation?”

This wasn’t a call that I could make.  Only the wife could decide which strategy to use.  With that said, I can certainly tell you my opinion on this based on my own experience and on some of the comments that I get on my blog.  It’s my belief and experience that you are better off waiting until it is obvious that it is time to reconcile.  And what I mean by this is that there is no uncertainly, no nervousness as to whether things are going to work out, and no outstanding issues that are still at play.  I will explain this more below.

The Risk of Asking Him To End The Separation:  I am fully aware that this probably isn’t what you want to hear.  I know this because I was in this same situation.  And I was very tempted to ask my husband to come back home as soon as I saw the slightest improvement.  But, I’d had to work so hard and for so long to achieve any improvement, that I wasn’t comfortable risking all of that by pushing too hard.  And this suspicion is supported by wives on my blog who regret pushing because it made their husband back away and negated all of the long, hard progress that they have made.

I know that no one wants to wait when a reconciliation is possible.  I know that you want your husband back as soon as is possible.  But it’s my opinion that it is better to wait until there is no longer any doubt rather than to risk taking multiple steps backward by moving too soon.

Building On The Progress That You Have Already Made:  I didn’t want to discourage this wife or to diminish her excitement over the progress that had been made.  She had every reason to feel excited and hopeful.  And nothing says that you can build upon the progress that you have made.  Continue to date. Continue to flirt.  Continue to grow closer because all of these things make it so much easier to work through the issues that lead you to the separation in the first place.

Because there is a real risk in reconciling before you have healed.  If you do that, you might find that the issues resurface and lead to either an additional separation or an eventual divorce.   But now, you are in a situation when you have an opportunity to strengthen what has been weakened.  You have the opportunity to rebuild a stronger foundation and to start again, emerging much more solid than you were before.

So to answer the question posed, it’s my opinion that it’s in your best interest to wait if there is any doubt that it’s time to reconcile.  It’s my experience that it is better to wait until your husband brings up the topic or until it is just obvious that you both feel the same way.  The risk of speaking up only to later regret it is just too great.  You don’t want for your husband to become hesitant and to back off and avoid you once again.  So, at least in my opinion and experience, it makes sense to wait until the outcome is more obvious.

I know how you feel.  I was so tempted to ask my husband to come home, but in the end, I decided to let him come to me.  That way, I had the reassurance of knowing that he was truly ready and willing to come home.  This wasn’t easy, but I firmly believe that it is one reason why we are still married today. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are getting a strange and disturbing message from their husbands. Sometimes, the husband announces that he is struggling to determine who he is and what he wants. And there are times that he will decide that because of this crisis of the self, he must place his marriage on hold. Many wives have no experience with this type of issue and therefore don’t know if he is just giving empty excuses or if he is  actually serious. And if so, they wonder, what is the best way to handle this?

I heard from a wife who said: “for the last several months, my husband has returned to graduate school at night. About a year ago, he decided that he hated his job and that he wanted to go in a completely different direction with his life. I encouraged him to go back to school. I want him to enjoy his career and I want for him to be happy. Well, his going back to school lead him to question other areas in his life. Suddenly, he’s not sure who he is or what he wants anymore. I knew that he was struggling with this, but I was totally floored and unprepared when he came home last week and told me that because he is searching for his new identity, he can’t be with me right now. He suggested that we separate for a little while in order for him to determine who he is and what he wants out of life. I’m really a little angry about this. All along, I have encouraged him to follow his heart. I have even helped pay for his schooling and now all of a sudden, I’m no longer good enough for him and I don’t fit into his new life style? As angry as I am at him, I don’t want to lose him. I am in this marriage for the long haul. But how do I get him to change his mind? He honestly thinks that he needs to completely overhaul is life. How do I make him see that I am not included in all of the things that he needs to discard?”

This is a difficult, but not an uncommon, situation. And it often happens in mid life when people realize that because their time here is limited, they want to make sure that they get the most of their life and spend it in a way that agrees with their values and their wishes. And no one can argue that this is admirable and that everyone deserves to be happy. However, sometimes people become so enthusiastic about this process that there is a risk that the person initiating the change is lumping everything in their life together, even when some of those things are still working.

It was important for the wife to ask herself if her husband might perceive that she wants to hold him back or slow him down in some days. I don’t mention this to be cruel. I mention it because if your husband perceives that you want to keep him from his goals, he may actually pull away from you even more. It’s so important that he believes that you genuinely want and encourage the best for him. He must believe that you support him in this process. You also need to understand that how you discuss this is very important. He mustn’t think that you are trying to keep him from those changes that will make him happy or will bring him closer to the self discovery that he is looking for, which leads me to my next point.

Make Sure He Knows That Not Only Do You Encourage His Change, But You Are Willing To Grow With Him: It is so common for couples to grow apart when one of them commits to self growth. And the reason for this is that the spouse who is growing often perceives that staying with their spouse will limit their growth and will hold them back. Or, they feel so guilty that they eventually decide it would just be easier for everyone if they separated for a while.

In order to avoid this, it’s very important that you make it clear that your goal is to support your husband because you love him and you want him to be happy. He must believe that you aren’t making any judgements about his transformation. He should know that you support him because you trust him to make sound decisions.

It can also help that he sees that you are also committed to self growth. If there is anything that you’ve been wanting to address in your own life, it can help if he sees that you are going through the same process that he is. This shows him that you share his commitment to growth.

At the same time, you can ask him to consider that he may not need to move out or separate from you in order to find himself. A suggested script might be something like: “I hear what you are saying and you know that I support you in whatever you need to do in order to be happy. I love you and your happiness and well being is very important to me. But I’m not sure that I agree that we need to separate in order for you to find out who you are. I am certainly willing to give you space and the time that you need. I can move out of our bedroom for a while if you feel it’s necessary. But with these concessions, I’m not sure why you’d need to move out or why we’d need to separate. I support your finding yourself but the idea of a separation is questionable to me. Of course, this is your decision. But I hope you will think about it and realize that I support you and that you don’t need to separate from me in order to do this work.  I plan to work on myself also, but I don’t believe that I need to separate from you in order for this to happen.”

Hopefully, he will agree to this. But if he doesn’t, it’s important that you keep this in perspective. Don’t panic and don’t try to make him feel mistaken or guilty about asking for this time. The reason is that people looking for a transformation will often want to discard whatever they think is standing in their way. That’s why it’s so important that your husband doesn’t think that he must chose between his growth and his marriage. It’s important for you to show him that he can have both.

I believe that one of the reasons that my husband separated from me was because he perceived that I wasn’t willing to grow with him.  I did eventually grow but it wasn’t really my idea at the time.  Still, looking back now, I realize that the things we went through during our separation made us stronger in the end.  If it helps, you read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are struggling with the reasoning that their husband is using for pursuing distance, a break, or a marital separation.  Sometimes, the husband will try to tell the wife that the feelings are no longer there, if they were ever there in the first place.  This can be particularly hurtful when the wife is very clear on the fact that she still loves her husband and always has.

I heard from a wife who said, “For the last several months, my husband has been dropping little hints which suggest that he isn’t sure about our marriage or about his feelings for me.  I tried to tell myself that he was stressed out at work and by his mother’s recent serious illness.  I hoped that it would all go away when those issues resolved themselves.  Well, unfortunately, not only have those issues not resolved themselves but now he has started to very directly tell me that he doubts his love for me.  And as a result, he wants to pursue a separation.  I have tried telling him that he should not make such a huge decision when he is juggling all of these other things because reality may not be clear to him.  His response is that for the first time in a very long, reality is suddenly crystal clear for him.  He says that he now sees that he wasn’t in love with me on our wedding day and that he just married me because he thought it was what was expected of him. He’s now proclaiming he’s never loved me.  He thinks that we were never truly in love with each other. I am stunned and hurt by this.  I believe that if he sat down and thought about it rationally, he would realize that he doesn’t mean the things that he is saying.  I felt loved for all of these years and frankly, I don’t think that he would have been that good at faking it.  What am I supposed to make of this?  What should I do? How do I respond when I think he’s being overly dramatic and that he is just plain wrong? I certainly don’t buy that we were never in love with each other.  I was there.  I know how I felt.”

Has He Gone Through A Recent Trauma or Crisis, Even A Mid-Life One? Is It His Pain Talking?: I really felt for this wife.  It is very difficult to be in a situation where you are sure that you can see things so clearly, but you can’t make your spouse see it, even when the topic is as important as your marriage.  I know that you likely feel that if you could just find the right words or catch him in the right mood, then you could probably have a chance of changing this.  But here is what you need to understand.  When people go through traumatic things like the critical illness or death of a parent, they often go through a personal crisis as well.  Because suddenly, they realize that one day they are going to be dealt the same fate.  No matter who you are or what you have done, no one can escape aging or the threat of death.  This can make you evaluate your life and how you want to live. You want to enjoy what is left of it.

This is why you will often see husbands want to separate or divorce after one of their parents dies or gets sick. Or when they experience a midlife crisis. Sometimes, their concerns about their marriage are legitimate.  And other times, they are projecting other stressors onto their marriage.  This isn’t fair, but it is just often the way that it is, even though they can not objectively see it at the time (even when you point it out to them.) After all, no one wants to admit that they are struggling in this way.

As Best As You Can, Try To Empathize And See Him As Someone In Pain:  Think about this.  When someone musters up their courage to tell their life-partner something as dramatic as this, they have to be really suffering. Try to remember that he is hurting.  I know that his pain doesn’t negate your pain, but if you are not careful, you both may come to regret the words that you express right now but can not take back. As best as you can, try to be patient and understanding.  Try to let him know that you have his back and that you want him to ultimately be happy and to feel that he is living his best life.

Offer Non-Dramatic Suggestions That May Provide Some Relief: You could try suggesting that he just take some time for himself by your staying with friends or taking a solo vacation so that no one has to make the drastic (and potentially unnecessary) decision to move out.   Sometimes, allowing him to take this space will bring about a faster and better resolution.  Once he has the time to grieve, sort this out, and heal, he may come to realize that he acted very hastily and that he was wrong in his assumptions. He may realize in horror that he does love you very much and is very sorry to have claimed that he doesn’t. He may realize that you have ALWAYS been in love with one another, but are going through a tough time right now.

I know that the idea of him taking space is often not a welcome one.  But very often, if you do not offer off this space he will not only resent it, he will often just take it regardless of whether you cooperate or support him.  So it is better for you to try to control the situation instead of trying to fight him on it.  You don’t want him to see you as the enemy.  You want him to see you as the ally.  I would not even debate the issue of him loving you now or in the past because your heart is already telling you what you need to know.  Instead, just listen and try to be as supportive as you can, even if what he says is hurtful but ultimately untrue.  It is his grief talking. It is not the truth.

When my husband wanted to separate, he tried to question the validity of our relationship.  I tried not to read too much into this because I knew in my heart that he loved me but was struggling.  I would love to tell you that I handled everything perfectly, but I didn’t because of my fear.  However, I eventually got it together and saved my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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