Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who are shocked to now be in a position that they had hoped that they would never be in. Suddenly, they find themselves separated from their spouse and struggling to cope and to create a new sense of “normal.” And then all of a sudden word of the separation gets around and they find that others have started to ask them out. Make no mistake, this can be quite flattering at a time in your life where everything else seems to be going wrong. But it’s often still not clear what is the best way to handle this.

An example of a comment that you’d hear in this situation is something like: “I never wanted to be separated. I asked my husband to please go to counseling instead of pursuing the separation. He refused. And he moved out about two months ago. The first couple of weeks without him was awful. I am starting to adjust though, but I still would like nothing more than to save my marriage. I haven’t told many people about the separation. Some people at work know. That’s why I was so surprised the other day when a male coworker actually asked me out. I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize my marriage. But I am so flattered. This is a really good looking and great guy. My husband idolizes this guy and I almost want to go out with him just so my husband will find out and realize that someone very good looking and successful sees something in me that my husband apparently does not. How are you supposed to handle it when you are separated and someone you like and respect ask you out?”

Unfortunately, I couldn’t make any decisions for this wife. Only she could decide the best course of action for her. But I could give her some things to think about. I will share those things below.

Understand That Going Out With Other People Is One Of The Biggest Reasons That A Separation Ends Up Becoming A Divorce: I understand being incredibly flattered (and somewhat relieved) when someone else validates you and asks you to spend time with them. I also understand the dilemma this would create when you think very highly of that other person.

But I also know from experience, from comments on my blog, and from my own research that it’s extremely common for things to deteriorate rapidly between you and your separated spouse when one or both of you begin to date other people. It puts your commitment to trying to work things out in question and it creates feelings of insecurity, doubt, and jealousy.  Then, it inserts these negative emotions into a situation that is already so emotionally difficult.

I’m not telling you that you shouldn’t accept this invitation if that is what you genuinely want to do. But I am telling you that you should know that if you do accept it, then this could severely impact your marriage and it could hurt your chances of reconciling with your husband. He could take this as a lack of commitment on your part or he could see it as a personal invitation for him to begin dating other women.

It’s Normal To Want For Your Husband To Know That Someone Else Finds You Attractive: I could be wrong, but I got the distinct impression that what interested the wife most in this scenario was the fact that somebody really worthwhile wanted her while it felt as if her husband was rejecting her. And of course she was tempted to go and share this with her husband. I don’t mean to be inserting negative input at every turn, but you have to be very careful about this. Because often, your husband will think that you are only trying to get a reaction out of him. As a result, he may not even take this seriously.

If there is a way for you to very naturally and very genuinely work this into a conversation without it sounding like you are bragging or trying to get a rise out of your husband, then go ahead and very briefly mention it, as long as you also make it very clear that you are still committed to your marriage.

Because at the end of the day, this is really what it all comes down to – whether you are still holding out for your marriage. If you are, then going out with someone else while you are still married to your spouse runs counter to that commitment. It would obviously hurt your chances of getting what you truly want.

Of course, this is only my opinion, but if you do have an interest but are committed to your marriage, then I would just be honest. I would tell the other man that I was incredibly flattered and thought extremely highly of him, but that I was still married and still hopeful that I could work things out with my husband. This is a difficult situation and there’s probably no perfect answer. But until you’ve made the decision or the concession to end your marriage, then I don’t think that you should do anything to jeopardize your chance to save it.

There were times when I was tempted to try to make my husband think that I was dating other people during our separation.  But, I knew that this was contradictory to my claims of wanting to save my marriage, so I didn’t go there.  And ultimately, I think this was the right call as my husband and I did reconcile.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are upset and somewhat shocked to suddenly be facing the reality that their spouse is threatening to divorce them because of a character trait that their spouse finds annoying. I find that one of the most common character traits in this category is anger, unhappiness, or pessimism.

Here’s an example that I might hear. “Last night, my husband told me that he was considering filing for divorce. I have to say that I was shocked by this although I know that he’s sometimes unhappy with me. His reason for wanting out of the marriage is that I am apparently ‘an unhappy person’ who brings him down. There’s a little background here. I don’t want to sound as if I am defending myself but my husband has been trying to start his own business to sell one of his inventions. At first, I supported him. But then he cut back on his paid work in order to devote more time to his dream. Once it became clear to me that he was putting our financial future in jeopardy, I felt that I had to say something. I told him that he needed to be realistic and that we could not afford to jeopardize real money that we have coming in to support our family on something that might not ever pay out. I have no problem with him working on the invention on weekends or evenings. But I feel that it’s selfish for him to diminish his income pursuing something that is only a dream. He says that I take joy in dashing his hopes and dreams. He says that I am a negative and unhappy person who is always going to look at or point out the pessimistic side of things. He says he can’t take my attitude anymore because it is hard enough to hold onto his dream when I’m always bringing him down. I will admit that I am a realist and he is a dreamer. But I don’t think that we need to end our marriage over this. I admit that I tend to look at the negative side of things, but that’s because I don’t want for anyone to set their sights too high and be disappointed. How can I turn this situation around?”

It can feel very personal when your spouse is not only being critical of who you are, but is also using this as justification to divorce or leave you. It’s one thing to identify a breakdown or serious issue within your marriage. And it is another thing when that same issue relates to your makeup or identify as a person. You’re often left feeling that you are a in a no win situation, as it’s not really realistic (or fair) to ask you to change who you are at the core.

However, as daunting as all of this sounds, I believe that there are things that you can do in order to turn it around. I’ll discuss this more below.

Understand That People Will Pull Away From Anything That Makes Pulls Them Down, Especially If They Are Struggling To Stay Afloat Emotionally: I’m was sure that even though this wife was being described negatively, that there were two sides to this story. There’s typically one spouse in a marriage who is more of a realist and another who seems to be focused more on future possibilities and asking “what if?” And this can actually work very well in a marriage because you need both sides of the equation in order to achieve balance.

But it’s very important to understand that people can become very defensive about and protective of their dreams. And if those same dreams are challenged, they will often project those feelings of frustration onto you and onto the marriage. It’s just human nature to react negatively to someone or something that you perceive as threatening to what you really want. And you can love that person or thing with all of your heart and still be frustrated because you are so invested in your dream.

When I was separated from my husband, I started to journal. Over time, this became vital to my well being. And today, writing is a very sacred habit for me. When I’m writing, I get very annoyed if someone I love disrupts that process. For example, yesterday my mother called in the middle of a writing session, and I couldn’t get her off the phone fast enough, even though I love my mother very much. It’s not personal either. It’s just that people tend to get extremely protective and not very objective when it comes to their dreams.

Also, people who are holding onto a seemingly impossible dream can already be on emotionally shaky ground. It takes a lot of courage and emotional energy to quiet those doubts in your mind and go ahead anyway. This wife’s husband was probably well aware of the challenges that he faced. But it caused him pain when she put this into her own words.

Changing The Dynamics And Changing The Script: I don’t really think it’s possible (or even fair) for someone to have to change their personality. The wife was a realist and there was nothing wrong with that. But she needed to understand that her husband was probably a bit over sensitive right now because he was trying to protect his dream. And frankly, the world may well have shown him a harsh reality in time. But it wasn’t the wife’s place to do that. Instead, it was her place to support him.

At the same time, she had her family and her financial future to think about. So obviously, a compromise was in order. She might start by taking an honest inventory of how negative she really was – especially in areas other than the new business. If you find that you are indeed inclined to see the bad in every situation, know that this can be draining and, know that once you are aware, then you can choose another way to respond.

Speaking of a response, you may want to try to address this issue quite directly in the spirit of compromise. A suggested script might be something like: “I am sorry that you find me to be unhappy and pessimistic. I don’t mean to be that way. I suppose in my own mind, I am only trying to be realistic. I support your dream completely, but I also know that you don’t want to put our family or our finances at risk. I’d love to help you out on evenings and weekends. I’d be more than willing to help to lighten your load at home so that you can devote more spare time to the business. But I don’t feel that we should jeopardize what we have already built. Can we work together to make the business happen in a way that still maintains the financial security that we already have?”

If your husband sees you making an effort to be less pessimistic and he pauses even a little bit to think about what you’ve said, he may calm down and realize that he may have been frustrated with the business rather than with you.  I feel it’s very important to address this now before it becomes a larger issue.  So many people stay silent and hope for the best.  And then they end up separated and having to play catch up.  This was the case with me. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who come to the conclusion that perhaps they shouldn’t be an open book in terms of their feelings and emotions while they are separated. Usually, they have noticed that their spouse pulls away from them as soon as they discuss how much they miss him or how much they really want to get back together. So over time, they can learn to reign in their feelings and to make sure they aren’t telling their spouse about every experience or doubt that they are experiencing.

But this goes counter to what many spouses want to do. Many people want to be open and honest with their spouse, even during their separation. They worry that anything else is just being dishonest or playing games. Common comments would be something like: “I am very clear on the fact that I want to save my marriage. I understand that my husband has initiated a separation and that it’s possible that my marriage is in real trouble. At the same time, I feel like I’ve made some real changes in my marriage and to myself. I am respecting my husband’s request for space and privacy. But at the same time, I’m only biding my time. I’m simply waiting until the time is right to approach my husband about reconciling. I’m allowing for things to calm down and I’m hoping that my giving him more space will improve our relationship. My whole plan is to get him back. Any action that I am taking right now is solely for the purpose of saving my marriage. A couple of my friends say that I should not be so obvious about this. But I feel that keeping all of this from my husband is sort of game playing and being deceitful. Is it OK to be open and honest during your separation? Or do you keep your cards close to your chest and pretend to feel in a way that you don’t?” I will try to address these questions in the following article.

I have a definite opinion on this, but I have to be honest and tell you that I base that same opinion on what has worked for me and has worked for others who comment on my blog. Of course , every situation is different. What worked for me may not work for you and vice versa. But my personal opinion is that you should not out and out lie or represent something that is blatantly incorrect. During my own separation, there is absolutely no way that I could have convinced my husband that I wasn’t completely committed to saving our marriage. There was no way that he would ever have believed me if I had pretended otherwise. So it was always clear that my ultimate goal was to save my marriage. And yes, I was very open about that because any other claim would not have been believable.

But there was a time when I make a very conscious decision to not cling so tightly because it was very clear that my doing so was only frustrating my husband and encouraging him to distance himself from me. So I held back when I wanted to ask my husband what he was feeling or I wanted to tell my husband how much I missed him. And you know what? I started to see that he was, ever so slightly, just a little more receptive to me when we would communicate.

Around that time, my family was worried about me and they were asking me to come home, even if for a short while. So I decided that no harm could come out of a visit and I even hoped that it might help things a little bit. I figured if I wasn’t in the same town as my husband, then it might be easier for me to hang back and give him his time. I obviously wouldn’t have the urge to drive by since I would be so far away. This actually helped even more than my hanging back. And eventually, I found that my husband reached out to me instead of the other way around.

With all of this said, I was very open about wanting to save my marriage. I never claimed that I had changed my mind about that. I did shift my focus because I had to. And my husband obviously noticed this. I did take the extra time to work on myself and I let him know about this. And when I went out with friends, I certainly didn’t mind if it got back to him. But I wasn’t pretending that I didn’t care we were separated or that I didn’t care if we reconciled. He knew that I cared very much.

I honestly think that there’s a very fine line here. And I think that you can be honest about ultimately wanting to save your marriage in the future while at the same time being a bit realistic in the present. If he wants and needs for you to back off some or to not ask what he’s feeling every time that you talk, I think that you can respect that and you can back off and prioritize yourself and your own healing without needing to pretend that you didn’t wish that things were different.

So to directly answer the question posed, yes I think that it’s fine to be open about your wishes about saving your marriage. But I also think that sometimes it’s obvious that you need to back away. In other words, I’m not so sure that you want to be so open that you’d say “well, I’m only giving you space because I have to.” Instead, you’d want to say “you know that I’d like to save our marriage, but it’s obvious that you need some space and I respect that. I’ll use the time to work on myself and to try to evaluate what I want and need right now as well.”

Hopefully, you see the difference. Admittedly, it’s a very small difference, but sometimes, it makes quite the impact. At least it did for me.  If you’d like to read more about how I used this strategy, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from folks who know that in order to save their marriage, both they and their spouse are going to need to make some serious changes. And quite often, the spouse who contacts me is more than willing to make these changes. But they aren’t sure if they are going to see the same changes from their spouse in return. They are often hoping if they take the initiative, their spouse will follow the lead. But they can wonder if this is all just wishful thinking or if they are being unrealistic.

An example of what you might hear in this scenario is something like: “I know that both my husband and I need to make some serious improvements or changes in order to save our marriage. I know that I need to be more responsible and reign in my spending because we fight about money all of the time. He also feels that I am not affectionate enough with him and that we do not have enough physical intimacy. I am willing to work on all of those things, but he needs to accept that he needs to make some changes too. He doesn’t help me out much and therefore I am tired and not often in the mood for sex because I’m juggling a million things. He’s also not the most affectionate or complimentary person. He only pays attention to me or gives me compliments when he wants to have sex with me. And I know that we both need to change how we handle conflict. As soon as we get angry at one another, we lose our cool and one tiny disagreement can turn into a huge fight. Things escalate too quickly with us. I am very committed to changing my own problematic behaviors. But I don’t know if my husband is willing to do the same. I am hoping that he just follows my lead, but he’s not the most perceptive person in the world. Is there a chance that he will change once I do so that we can save our marriage?”

I definitely think that one of the most effective ways to inspire change in your spouse is to show him that you are willing to do the same. However, I often find that many people make common mistakes when they attempt this process. So in the following article, I’ll offer some tips on how to make this progress go smoothly so that you can have success.

Start Slowly And Gradually: This wife had listed a lot of changes that she wanted to make within her own life and her own marriage. Everything that she had mentioned with a worthwhile goal. But if you’ve ever tried to make lasting and meaningful lifestyle changes, you already know that this can be become overwhelming and challenging, even if you start out strong.  New habits are a matter of repetition for at least thirty days straight. I would suggest picking the thing that you most want to change and then starting there. Give yourself enough time to make a lasting change before you move onto something else. Because the last thing that you want is for your husband to perceive that he can’t trust in this change so therefore he shouldn’t put in the effort himself.

In A Very Positive Way, Share Your Intentions With Your Husband: I don’t want to tell you to spell out exactly what you are going to do or even to list the changes that your spouse can expect to see. Because this is often met with resistance, skepticism, or doubt. With that said, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling your husband that you are going to be making some improvements to yourself and to your marriage. You might even mention something vaguely, such as to tell him that in the near future he’s going to very happy with the new money habits that he is seeing.

But then you really don’t want to mention it again until the changes have been made. And when you do bring it up, you want to be very upbeat and positive. You’re not trying to brag or to make your husband feel bad by comparison. You just want to bring his attention to the change. Once this is done, then you systematically tackle the next change on your list. Eventually, your spouse won’t be able to deny that you have held up your end of the bargain. And he will hopefully just naturally want to be reciprocate. But there are also some mistakes to avoid here also.

Don’t Expect For Him To Read Your Mind: Many people assume that their spouse is well aware of what needs to happen or of what you want. This isn’t always the case. He may generally know that you’d like more affection. But, being a man, he may not really know how to express this and the idea of trying and failing may make him feel very uncomfortable.

So sometimes, you will need to be very specific. I would suggest that when you are talking about your own changes and your husband compliments you, then you might say something like: “you know, it really wasn’t that difficult because our marriage is more important to me than my bad habits. I think we could do even more things that would make us both happier. I’d really like it if you could occasionally tell me that I look nice and rub my shoulders like you used to. I know that this might seem silly to you. But these things make me feel loved and feeling loved makes me want to be more intimate. Do you think that you could make this effort?”

I’d be willing to bet that your husband will be willing to try, especially since you’ve already put in so much effort. Make absolutely sure that you praise every effort that he makes. The whole idea is to make him very willingly want to participate and to please you.

I will admit that when I was trying to save my own marriage, I went overboard.  I tried to tackle too much for too soon and, because I failed miserably, my husband didn’t believe that change was possible.  So I had to start all over from scratch.  I eventually prevailed but not without a lot of mistakes first.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who become a little confused and conflicted once their biggest wish finally comes true and they start to believe that their husband now regrets leaving them. Often, the wife has been wishing for months that she would begin to see some indicators that he’s having second thoughts or regrets about leaving. But, when this finally happens, the wife can often be left wondering if she’s only imagining it. And, if she’s not, where does she go from here?

Common comments are things like: “when my husband was first threatening to leave me, I told him that he was going to regret it. I knew that our problems were not so big that we needed to split up or live in different places. I knew that none of our problems meant that we should risk or end our marriage. My husband wouldn’t listen to me and he insisted that he needed some time on his own. When he finally did leave, I was devastated and I have been having a hard time ever since. I miss him so much. I want to save my marriage more than anything. For a couple of weeks after my husband left, he rarely called. Gradually though, he has become more receptive to me. And for the last month, we have been almost dating again. There are times when my husband will be quite loving toward me and then after a while he tends to back away again. But every once in a while, he will make comments or do things that make it relatively obvious that he may have some regret about leaving. At first, I told myself that maybe this was just wishful thinking on my part or that I was imagining things. But these things have been happening for a while now and I’m pretty certain that he regrets leaving me. I don’t know how to handle this. Should I ask him if he has regrets? So I ask him to reconcile or move back in?” I will answer these questions in the following article.

There Is Nothing Wrong With Being Hopeful. But Applying Pressure Is Sometimes A Mistake: To be honest, I think that it may be premature to talk about coming home. Not only that, but it is just human nature to not want to admit that you made a mistake. Most people would rather feel that they made the best decision that they could at the time. And not every one takes kindly to having their mistakes pointed out to them. So pointing our your husband’s mistake or demanding an admission of the same will often not endear you to him.

With that said, there were some real indications that this husband truly regretted leaving. And this was a very positive development and a great sign. But what is the harm in just enjoying this and waiting to see what will happen? Most separated men resist being pressured by their wives. Things were going well now. If you pressure him, you may negate or slow your progress.

See If You Can Build On Your Progress Rather Than To Push And Introduce Risk: I know that you want for your husband to come home. I know that it would be so wonderful to hear him say that he has regrets about leaving. It would give you a lot of validation to hear this. But pushing for either of these things brings about risk that your husband will respond to this pressure by backing away from you. And then all of the progress that you have already made might be potentially wasted.

I believe that it is better to have patience and to build on the progress that you have already made. Now is the perfect time to strengthen your marriage. Your husband is becoming more and more and receptive to you, so rather than risking him backing away, it makes sense to continue to do what you have been doing in order to pull him closer and closer to you. Work on your relationship and try to erase those issues that lead to him leaving in the first place.

That way, when he does come home, you have a much greater chance of things actually working out for the long term. And you will enjoy a stronger marriage because of your patience.

But to directly answer the question posed, it sounded plausible that this husband regretted leaving. But what mattered more than this was that the wife use his change of heart in order to help her to strengthen and then save her marriage. Pointing out his mistake or pressuring him to come home before he was ready risked the progress she had already made.

I honestly think that the best case scenario in this situation was to allow the husband to decide to come home on his own. That way, both of them would have the confidence that the husband came to his own decisions because the time was right rather than because he was pressured.

I admit to pressuring my husband during our separation. And it backfired horribly. I had so much ground to make up and frankly, I almost couldn’t do it. And my marriage almost ended. If I had to do it all over again, I’d definitely be more patient. If It helps you can read the whole story read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from people who dreaded their marital or trial separation.  Many of them assumed that this was going to be among the most challenging periods in their lives.  So, they can be quite surprised to find that they aren’t as devastated as they had feared.  In fact, many are quite surprised to find that they aren’t missing their spouse nearly as much as they expected.  And they are often left wondering what this means in terms of their marriage.

Common comments are things like: “it was actually my husband who wanted the separation.  I begged him not to pursue this.  I didn’t want to do this to my family.  Honestly, I have not been on my own since I was a very young adult.  I was afraid of being alone.  I assumed that I would be so unhappy if my husband and I separated.  I thought that I would spend the majority of my days dwelling on just how much I was missing him.  And I was completely shocked to find that this isn’t true.  The first week was kind of rough, but since that time, I’ve started to get more used to it.  The kids and I are actually able to relax.  There is no more fighting.  I have actually started working out after work and I even go out with coworkers sometimes.  I actually have time to read for pleasure and to focus on myself.  This really isn’t so bad.  I don’t miss my husband all that much.  And I’m kind of worried about that.  Because I do want to save my marriage.  I think that divorcing would ultimately be detrimental to my children and they are what is most important to me.  Is my marriage over if I don’t miss him?  Does this mean that I am better off without him?”  I will try to address these questions in the following article.

Sometimes You Don’t Miss Your Spouse Because It Is A Relief To Be Rid Of All Of The Conflict:  There’s no denying that things can be pretty bad in your marriage and within your household right before you actually separate.  This can be an extremely difficult time where it feels as if everything is immediate and awful.  So when the separation actually happens, and you hear peace and quiet for the first time in a very long time, it can understandably be quite a relief.  It can feel like an improvement or an upgrade.  But it’s possible that in this situation, it’s not that you do not miss your husband.  It’s that you do not miss the drama and you sort of like the independence.   Time will usually give you a little more perspective on this.  And many people find that once the novelty of the separation wears off and the silence contributes to loneliness instead of bliss, then they actually do begin to miss their spouse.

Give Yourself Some Time To Determine Your Wishes Before You Declare That You Don’t Miss Him:  It’s very normal for both spouses to want to know how the other is faring during the separation.  It wouldn’t be uncommon for your husband to ask how you are feeling.  Some wives will want to be brutally honest and announce that you aren’t missing him at all.  But I would caution you to consider delaying this.  As I’ve alluded to before, your feelings do sometimes evolve and change during this process.  And there is really no sense in saying something that might hurt your spouse when you aren’t sure how you may feel tomorrow.

I think that it’s a better choice to tell your spouse that you and the kids are coping relatively well and that you are taking things as they come.  It’s OK to tell him that it’s a relief not to have the conflict, as long as you understand that it’s totally possible to learn to erase the conflict and still maintain your marriage.  Yes, there is a history of conflict in the past.  But this can actually be the stimulus to remove that conflict for the sake of your family.  And this can be true regardless of what happens with your marriage.  That can only be beneficial to you.

Allow This To Be The Nudge That Allows You To Improve Things For The Sake Of Your Family:  Many people will feel extremely guilty that they don’t miss their spouse.  There’s a real risk in shutting down and retreating.  I believe that this is the worst thing that you can do.  Not missing your spouse is an indicator that there is some relief in being alone because being together had some real negatives.  Allow this to be the stepping off point to make some improvements that are going to improve your family life moving forward.   This will only benefit you and your children regardless of whether you want to save your marriage or not.  The relationship with your children’s father is going to be vitally important for the rest of the children’s lives.

Even if you don’t ultimately save your marriage, there are always improvements that can be made.  And sometimes separating allows both of you to calm down and see things quite differently.  But to answer the question posed, not missing your spouse during a trial separation doesn’t always mean that you no longer love him or that your marriage is over.  But it can be an indication that it’s been a relief to be free from the conflict.  And it can help to use this as a stepping off point to erase the conflict once and for all.

Frankly, I missed my husband very much during our separation.  But, he did not miss me. I’m very grateful that he didn’t allow this to contribute to him walking away from our marriage.  We are still together today because he agreed to work with me to save our marriage.  And I don’t think either of us regret that today.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from separated wives who are feeling overwhelmed by their conflicting emotions. On one hand, they are thrilled that their marriage seems to be improving dramatically.  This can be a huge relief when you fear that you are on the brink of divorce.  In fact, some tell me that their husband hasn’t been this nice or sweet to them in years. Unfortunately, this excitement and relief is often short lived.  These wives understandably want to get back together as soon as is possible. So it can be very frustrating when you are dealing with a husband who tells you that he isn’t quite ready for that yet.

An example of a comment that I might hear in this situation is something like: “I don’t want to sound like I am complaining. My husband and I have been separated for just over three months. For the first several weeks, I honestly thought that we would end up divorcing. But gradually and over time, things have started to improve dramatically. In fact for the past couple of weeks, my husband and I have seen one another every night. It’s like we’re dating again. It’s almost like he’s wooing me. We are having a wonderful time complete with weak knees and sweaty palms. I am perfectly willing to get back together. I feel like it’s obvious that we should save our marriage and reconcile. We are happy and are relating to one another in more positive and real ways. We are getting a long better than we have for years. But when I ask my husband if it’s time to get back together, he says that he is not ready for that just yet. I find that very disappointing. And I then have to ask myself if he is just toying with me or flirting to boost his own self esteem. And then I start to have doubts and I ask myself what if he’s not as excited about this as I am? What should I do at this point? Should I push him to reconcile? Do I give him a deadline or ultimatum? Or should I just continue on and see how this plays out?”

Try Very Hard To See The Big Picture: I know first hand that it’s very tempting to want to hurry him along. After all, when you have been without your husband for weeks, you obviously are going to want him home immediately if not sooner. But, you will have much more long term success if you force yourself to prioritize the long term rather than the short term.

I know that you want him under your roof at once. But think for a second about what you want even more than that. You want the confidence to know that your marriage is actually going to make it and that your reconciliation is actually going to stick. You want to grow old with him, without ever needing to go through these difficulties in your marriage again. And if patience can help you to achieve this, then isn’t it worth it?

Try Not To Take This Personally. He May Be Reluctant Because He Wants To Make Sure That The Reconciliation Lasts: I know that it can be painful to hear him say that he is not yet ready to reconcile when you feel so strongly that the time is right. Your mind can begin to wander to the worst case scenario. And you can start to worry as to whether he is feeling the same things that you are. Stop for a second and ask yourself why he would want to toy with your emotions. If he wasn’t serious or enjoying himself as much as you are, then why waste his time to see you every single night?

It is just as likely that he wants to take things slowly because he wants for your reconciliation to be lasting. He wants to make sure that things are going to continue to run smoothly. His practical side may be wondering if you are both just getting caught up in the moment. None of this means that he doesn’t want to reconcile with you. But it can mean that he just wants to ensure that it’s really right when it does happen.

So what does this mean for you moving forward? In my opinion and experience, I would just continue on with the wonderful forward momentum you’re already created. Let’s face it. Dating your spouse again can be fun and exciting. Try to enjoy it rather than to question it. Because frankly, the longer that things continue to go well between you, the more likely he will be to believe in what he is seeing and feeling and the more likely he will become more and more comfortable with a real reconciliation. But it is better to wait so that you can have confidence that you can truly move forward than to rush things only to have the same issues crop up once again.  I don’t feel that an ultimatum is necessary and I feel as if it could harm the progress that you have already made.  My opinion is that you should just continue on as you have been and enjoy it.  Because obviously, it is working.

As I alluded to, I applied some pressure during my own separation and it seriously backfired on me.  I had to work extra hard and extra long to save my marriage.  But we eventually did reconcile and I learned a lot about myself and my marriage during the process.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Comments Off on My Separated Husband Is Being So Nice To Me, But Says He Doesn’t Want To Get Back Together Just Yet

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are well aware that their husband isn’t sure about his feelings for them or about whether or not he wants to salvage the marriage. Often, the husband has taken the initiative to move out (or at the very least has asked for some space.)

The wife often springs into over compensation mode. What I mean by this is that very often, the idea of separating (even temporarily) is the wife’s worst case scenario. So she will try her best to be loving, accommodating, and open to whatever might make the husband more willing to save the marriage or to reconcile.

But over time, it can soon become obvious that her attempts just aren’t working. The husband will often be very upfront about the fact that he is reluctant to make any commitments or promises.  And because of this, the wife can eventually wonder if she is just wasting her time. She starts to wonder if his reluctance is going to outweigh her efforts.

Common comments are things like: “my husband is very clear on the fact that he has his doubts about our marriage and might want a divorce in the near future. He’s been staying with his old college roommate. I have asked him to work with me to make things better but he says he doesn’t think that there’s anything that can help our marriage because we have grown apart. I think that part of his unhappiness is that many of his friends are separated or divorced and he now sees all these guys being totally free and without responsibilities. So, my husband feels like he is missing out.  And he seems to be having the time of his life going out every night.  I know that deep down, he loves me. But he just doesn’t see it right now.  When we do see one another, things feel forced between us.  His phone calls have become less and less frequent.  I have recently become frustrated and I straight up asked him if there was any chance for us.  He told me that he was very reluctant to give me any hope. Is there any way to win him over? I’m starting to run out of hope.”

It makes me so sad when I hear people say that they are running out of hope in terms of their marriage.  I believe that even when things seem dire, you have to make a very deliberate choice.  And no one can decide whether or not you should give up hope except for you.  It’s my opinion that you can win over and eventually reconcile with a reluctant husband.   It isn’t always an easy or even a quick process.  But I think it’s definitely possible.  I will discuss this more below.

You Will Often Need To Have A Good Deal Of Patience:  I know firsthand that it is very tempting to continue to question or pressure your husband.  Because you feel that you need answers and it is so difficult to just sit around waiting for him to make up his mind when you feel so helpless just watching and waiting.  But honestly, although having patience can be difficult, it is often the best thing that you can do.  Your husband’s reluctance already indicates that he has some resistance to you.   So, continuing to push him and to be impatient will likely only intensify his reluctance and make him less likely to willingly want to reconcile.

I understand that it be difficult to accept that this is just going to take time.  But that is often the honest reality of the situation.  As difficult as it can be to wait, doing so will often give you the best chance of success.

Show Him With Actions Everything That You Have Told Him With Words:  When us wives are in this situation, often our first inclination is to start talking and to start negotiating.  We went to tell him all of the things that we are willing to do.  We want to make him promises and to offer up concessions.  But what we often do not realize is that he is taking what we say with a grain of salt. He may be listening to our words, but he’s often not really fully taking in what we are saying.

That’s why it’s vital that you show him with your actions what you are telling him with your words.  If you promise him that you won’t be pressuring him and will give him the space that he has asked for, that’s precisely what you should do.  So many people will make this promise and then they will break it by continuing to talk or check in, even when the resistance is obvious and painful.  If you tell or promise your husband that you are going to do something or that you are going to show him real change or improvement, then you must do precisely that or he’s going to stop listening to or believing you.  And frankly, showing him something is so much more effective than telling him something.

Accept Gradual But Sure Progress:  It’s very important to understand that, especially at first, you may have to accept tiny little victories.  I know that you desperately want to overcome his reluctance in order to reconcile.  But you will often have to accomplish this through a series of smaller steps.  Perhaps you give him some space and you notice that he’s a little more receptive.  Then, you build on that by improving the quality and quantity of your telephone calls.  Once you have that running smoothly, then you work on making your face to face meetings so pleasurable that you are both left wanting more.  In short, it’s best not to try to move too quickly, especially if you are still seeing any reluctance.

But to answer the question posed, I believe that it is most definitely possible to reconcile with a reluctant husband.  I’ve done it myself.  But I had to do it gradually.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Comments Off on Is It Possible To Reconcile With A Reluctant Husband?

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from folks who want more than anything to have a chance to save their marriage, especially when they perceive that the issues within that same marriage are all of their faults.  However, sometimes not only is the issue that has threatened the marriage difficult to overcome, but the whole process has become nearly impossible because the angry spouse won’t even speak with the other in order to discuss or resolve this.

Common comments are things like: “I desperately need to save my marriage.  My husband caught me having a separate bank account.  I think that he believes I was keeping a separate stash of money because I was planning to leave him or because I had sneaky plans.  None of these things are true.  It’s just that I have always read and heard that you should have money set aside all your own, especially if you are female.  I make a decent living and I just wanted to develop a cushion.  I had no ill intentions whatsoever.  But I admit that I kept this a secret from my husband because I didn’t think that he would understand.  I assume that he would be a little annoyed and I just didn’t want any conflict.  I wish that I had told the truth.  My husband left our home and hasn’t come back.  He will not take my texts or phone calls.  He came back briefly to get some belongings and he would not even look at me or talk with me.  I desperately want to save my marriage, but I am not even sure if this is going to be possible if I can’t even get him to speak to me.  What can I do?”

This is a tough situation that sometimes seems very dire until it eventually gets better.  There is a chance that with some time and space, your husband is going to be able to calm down on his own.  But if you give him some time and he is still resistant to you, there are a couple of strategies which I think are best to avoid.   There are also a couple of strategies that, when implemented correctly, can work.  I will discuss both below.

The Things You Want To Avoid:  I know that when you are feeling ignored, it’s just human nature to want to ramp up whatever you are doing until he finally pays attention.  But, I often find that when something isn’t working and is only making things worse, it’s best not to continue to repeat it.  In other words, if you’ve tried repeatedly to get him to listen to your words, and he has been very resistant and is only getting more and more frustrated, then it makes sense to try something else.   I know that this can feel like a desperate situation and you can feel compelled to keep coming at him to get him to speak with you by any means necessary.  But, you will often have more success if you are a little more patient and you try things that are less frustrating to him.

When he’s this angry, sometimes the worst thing that you can do is continue to try to get him to talk immediately.  Instead, it can help to take responsibility and let him know that you are fully aware that part of your owning this is allowing him to set the pace.

Things That You Might Want To Try:  If he won’t speak to you and he won’t accept your texts, you can always try to send him a letter.  That way, he can choose to read this when he is ready and when he is calmer.   You want to just lay out your honest explanation.  You might want to stress that you had no bad or sneaky intentions and that you were only trying to be very diligent with your money as you’ve been advised to do.  Offer to work with your husband to come up with a new financial system that doesn’t encompass any secrecy.   And stress that you are willing to work together to come up with a solution that you can both live with.  Finally, you might want to offer him some reassurance that you will be ready to talk whenever he deems that the time is right.  You might want to reassure him that you won’t continue on with your unwelcome attempts to make him talk to you immediately.  Tell him that you will let him take the lead when the time is right.

Then, it’s important to do exactly what you have claimed and wait.  Give him some time.  If you wait a reasonable amount of time and he doesn’t reach out to you, then wait a bit and try again.  It’s very important that you give the situation time to calm down and conduct yourself with a high degree of integrity, especially since your husband may see keeping secrets as a lack of integrity that is very concerning to him.   You want to show him that you’re no longer going to keep secrets and that you are going to do exactly what you are now claiming. If the secret bank account was really the only issue, I felt there was a good chance this situation could eventually be resolved with patience and honesty.

Unfortunately for me, when my husband was resistant to me, I pushed and pushed.  I didn’t respect his wishes and I continued to try to wear him down.   Our separation almost ended in divorce as a result.  I did eventually save my marriage but not without making a lot of mistakes and turmoil first.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Comments Off on My Husband Will Not Talk To Me After We Had A Fight And He Left. How Can I Save My Marriage When He’s Giving Me The Silent Treatment?

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who never really wanted a separation when they left their spouse. Instead, they were hoping that the act of leaving would inspire their spouse to show some real emotion for a change. Often, the idea is that leaving will scare a reluctant or non demonstrative spouse to spring into action, declare his love, and become a better and more attentive spouse.

Common comments in this situation are things like: “I will admit that when I left my husband, I only intended for this to be a very fast wake up call for him. He is so cold and inattentive to me. I have to nag him in order to spend any quality time with me. He used to be so sweet and loving but now he almost acts like a stranger. It doesn’t seem as if we have much in common anymore. I have tried to talk to my husband about this, but he doesn’t want to hear it. He doesn’t see any huge problems. He thinks that I am being overly dramatic and asking for too much. So, my leaving was meant to make my husband show real emotion toward me and to chase me. I wanted for him to take me seriously. But I haven’t gotten the reaction that I’d hoped for. He admitted that he was sad and disappointed that I left. He has repeatedly said that he hopes I’ll come back. But he’s not chasing me. He’s not declaring his love. He isn’t acting passionately toward me. So what happens now? I never really wanted a separation, but now I’m starting to think that he doesn’t even care enough to fight for me or our marriage.” I’ll try to address these concerns below.

Understand That His Lack Of Response Isn’t Necessarily A Rejection: I understood why the wife was so upset. She needed for her husband to step up to the plate and show her the emotion that had attracted her in the first place. And she saw his inability and his unwillingness to do this as a rejection. I completely understand this and I’ve felt it myself. But please understand that this situation doesn’t always mean that your husband doesn’t love you or doesn’t feel that you are worth fighting for.

I hear from a lot of men in this situation on my blog. And many of them will tell you that they aren’t acting all emotional for various reasons. One of the most common reasons that they will give is that huge and over the top displays of emotions just aren’t in alignment with their true personality. You might hear them say something like: “I told my wife that I wanted her to come home. I said I regretted that she left. What more is there to say? Obviously, I love her and I want for her back. Just because I’m not shouting this off of the rooftops and pounding my chest, none of this means that I don’t care about my marriage. I do. But I don’t think that I should have to pretend to be someone that I’m not. This is a marriage. Not a dramatic play. I’m not an actor.”

I know that you feel that you want and need to see more emotion. But sometimes, your husband will see this scenario as manipulation and game playing. Men will often say that they just aren’t willing to engage in this type of back and forth when the direct and honest approach is so much more in alignment with who they really are.

Maybe It’s Time To Just Be Honest And Directly Ask For What You Need: I know that you were hoping that your actions would inspire more emotion and action from him. But sometimes, you have to directly tell him what you want. Men aren’t as intuitive as women. They will often tell you that they can’t read your mind and that they wish you would just announce what you want from them. So, the next time your husband mentions the situation or says that he wishes that you’d never left, you might want to respond with something like: “I wish I hadn’t left either, especially since I didn’t get the desired response anyway. I was hoping that you would show a willingness to fight for me or to chase me. I wanted to see some passionate feelings where I was concerned. I know that this might sound silly to you. But I just wanted to feel loved in the way that you used to love me. Can you please show me some real emotion? Our marriage may hinge on this. I know that you’re a man and you don’t need this type of exchange. But I do. And that should matter to you if our marriage is important.”

Try To Look For Smaller Ways That He’s Expressing His Love And Give Him Reassurance When This Happens: I completely understand needing and wanted more emotion from your spouse. But sometimes, our spouse is showing us this in very small ways rather than explicitly telling us. Sure, it’d be preferable to hear passionate and heartfelt words, but sometimes, we need to acknowledge the little things that indicate his own version of real love. His filling up your gas tank, pouring you a cup of coffee, or building you a new closet may all be examples of things that he does to show his love when he doesn’t feel comfortable expressing himself in other ways or verbally.

When or if the separation ends, begin looking for these things and make a big deal out of them. Tell him that you appreciate how he shows his love and then encourage him to tell you the same with words. Once he begins to hear this as praise rather than criticism, you are much more likely to hear the words that you are waiting for. But until then, perhaps it makes sense to consider that it might not be worth it to use the separation to get what you want when this approach might allow you to save your marriage and get more of what you want.

I will admit that in my own marriage, I am the one who is much more demonstrative.  When my husband and I were separated, I used to do whatever was necessary in order to get a reaction out of him.  Even an angry reaction was better than none at all, at least in my eyes.  It took me a while before I wised up and realized that this was greatly hurting my chances for a reconciliation.  So I changed course, which enabled me to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Comments Off on I Left My Husband Because I Wanted Him To Chase Me To Try To Get Me Back. It’s Not Working