Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who can’t help but notice that when they represent that they are coping well during their trial separation, their husband is more receptive to them. But, when they are honest about their pain, their doubts, and their sadness, he is more likely to back away. So, these wives can begin to believe that it is in their best interest to deny reality and to pretend that everything is fine.

To demonstrate this, I might hear a comment like: “the last thing that I wanted was to get a separation. It took everything in me not to block the door way when my husband was leaving. My heart was breaking on that day. And when my husband called me later that night, everything spilled out. And I will admit that I got into the habit of telling my husband how lost I was without him and how difficult all of this was for me. Over time, I noticed that when I would start this once again, my husband would change the subject or cut the conversation short. So one day I decided to do a little experiment. I began to pretend that I was having good days and that I was embracing my life. Once this shift took place, my husband was willing to talk to me for longer periods of time with more enthusiasm. So it’s my plan to keep this up and to pretend that everything is OK. If I do this, will he come back?”

Focusing On The Positive Is Always A Good Idea: I can’t predict if he is going to come back.  But, I can tell you that placing your focus on the positive will often improve how he relates to you. Here is why. Husbands often feel quite guilty for initiating the separation. They feel quite badly when they hear that you are struggling. This brings out negative emotions like guilt, fear, and shame. And this is why they will cut off the conversation when it starts to veer that way. But when you downplay this, then it alleviates some of those negative feelings. Talking and communicating with you is much more tolerable to them because they aren’t being made to feel like the bad guy each time the two of you talk.

However, Sometimes People Take It To The Extreme: Of course, it’s possible to take this too far. Your husband knows that you didn’t want the separation and also that you did everything in your power to prevent it. So it may be hard for him to buy that suddenly everything is going to be perfect. If you try to take it too far, then it just rings false and you may feel him backing away like he did before.

Plus, if you pretend that everything is just as fine as it can be, then there’s a tendency to gloss over your problems. I don’t want to discourage you, because I know from my own experience that putting a positive spin on things can allow your husband to be more receptive to you. And, if he is more receptive to you, then this is certainly going to make communicating with him and working with him much easier. But it’s not likely to just magically make a separated husband who wasn’t receptive to you before to suddenly want to come home. It can be a first step. But it is not a magic pill.

My suggestion is that if it is working well for you, continue on with it. But be careful not to take it too far. And be careful not to think that this is all you need to do. In order to come home, most men will need to believe that the things that caused him to leave in the first place have at least begun to be addressed. If you pretend that everything is fine before you even attempt to do this work, you’re almost hurting your situation instead of helping it.

Try A Compromise: I think that the best compromise here is to portray yourself as someone who is coping well and who is taking this opportunity to work on herself but who is going to do everything in her power to get her marriage back. Obviously, this is not a situation where everything is perfectly fine, but it is a situation where you are making the best of it and you are seeing it as an opportunity to make improvements that might make your husband’s coming home more likely.

But to answer the original question posed, pretending that everything is OK as your sole strategy may not get him to come back unless he was already planning to come back. Instead, you can use this as a tool to allow him to be more receptive to you. And, once he is more receptive to you, then you can slowly rebuild your relationship and begin to slowly address what lead him to move out in the first place.   (Do this gradually and only as your marriage can withstand it.) These things will hopefully make it much more likely that he will eventually come home because of the work that you have done and not because you’ve pretended that everything was fine when it wasn’t.

As I alluded to, I did put my best foot forward during my own separation.  But I always pretty clear on the fact that I wanted for things to be different in a perfect world.  Eventually, this strategy was very effective.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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by: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who have no problem taking responsibility for their actions. They know that they have made a mistake. And they have sincerely apologized for it. But, they still feel as if their husband is gravely disappointed in them. They feel a huge sense of guilt because they feel as if they have let their husband, and their families, down. This effects their sense of self worth and it can very negatively affect their marriage.

An example of the type of comment that you might hear in this situation is something like: “I have always been addicted to shopping. And, for the most part, my husband didn’t make a big deal out of this, especially before we had children. Once we had children though, my husband sat me down and told me that I had to get control of my spending. He took all of my credit cards away and encouraged me to get a part time job. I did these things but then after a few months, I went behind my husband’s back and started spending again. I had the credit card bills sent to my work. I thought that I was on top of this because I would just pay the bills out of my work money without him knowing. And this worked until last month, when I lost my job. I could no longer pay the bills, but I still didn’t tell him right away. In fact, he didn’t know until a creditor called our home. Now he is furious with me. But he said that he was going to forgive me for he sake of our children. The problem is that I can’t forgive myself. I know that I have let him down. Losing my job wasn’t my fault. My whole division got laid off. But I still feel like I am a detriment to my family. I know that I have let my husband down. He says he forgives me and that he just wants to move on. But how can I when I know the damage that my actions have caused?”

Try To Be Grateful And See This As A New Beginning: I understand how the wife felt, but I also felt that she was looking at this in the wrong way. Rather than being extremely grateful for the second chance that she had been given and vowing to turn this around and be the hero in the situation, she was focusing on what was wrong.

I understand feeling guilty. After all, her actions were very negatively affecting her family and she had set this whole course of events into motion. But, it is impossible to turn back time. She had no ability to change what was done in the past. What she could control, however, was her actions now and in the future.

Yes, she had let down her family. But most of all, she had let down herself. But, it’s not impossible to move on and do better. Sure, it was probably going to be a challenge. But if hitting rock bottom makes today the day that she changes her life, truly stops her behavior, and causes her to become an asset to her family, then it would have been worth it.

Clear The  Air With A Plan: It seemed like there might have been some awkwardness between her husband and herself. She was very sorry, but she could only say this so many times without feeling rejected. It can help to top off your apologies with a workable plan so that your promises aren’t empty. The last things that you want to do is to have your husband need to repeat this process. Because at some point, he is going to lose his patience and he may no longer be able to forgive.

You might want to try something like: “I know that you have forgiven me and words can not express how grateful I am for this. I know that I have let you down. But I will not repeat this. I am going to seek out counseling and do some self work so that I can change my spending habits and my relationship with money. I don’t want to do anything to put our family in jeopardy. I want to be an asset for our family. I want to contribute and not take away. I know that you have heard all of this before. But this time, I am going beyond words and I am taking some action. I’m asking you to keep me accountable. If you notice anything that gives you pause or bothers you, please tell me. I really want real and lasting change. And I need your help.”

After you’ve spoken these words, you need to do exactly what you have said. There is no room for broken promises anymore. Imagine how you will feel if you let your husband down once again. You can’t change letting him down in the past, but you can make it so that it doesn’t happen again. And if you are able to do this, then you have turned a negative situation into a positive one, which is the best that you can do in a situation like this one.

As I alluded to, no matter what has happened in the past.  You can change your marital future.  I was able to do this in my own marriage.  It wasn’t easy.  But it was worth it.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from spouses who feel that perhaps their spouse has an alterior motive for initiating a trial separation. Often, the spouse who doesn’t want to separate worries that their spouse is only wanting to separate because they want to date someone else. The worry is that they want to have the luxury of pursuing the other person without the watchful eye of their spouse. And this can make them not want to cooperate with or endorse the separation.

An example of a comment that I might get describing this situation is something like: “my husband and I have been married for over twenty years. He has demanded that we separate because he doesn’t know what he wants. To give you some background, a couple of years ago, we had some problems with our two teenaged children. This caused a lot of stress in our lives and in our marriage. About six months after that, he told me that he had been having an affair with a much younger woman and that he had developed feelings for her. However, he insisted that he told her that he had no inention of leaving his family to be with her. After she found out that he had told me about them, she actually broke it off with him. After this happened, my husband became very depressed. He then said that he didn’t know what he wanted out of his life anymore. And because of that, he wanted a separation. I feel strongly that he is going to try to get back together with her while we are separated. I don’t trust him at all. But what can I do? I don’t feel like I have any choice in this. He’s going to separate from me and move out and I feel like all I can do is wait to see if she is going to take him back. I feel so helpless. I know that we are meant to be together, especially after all this time together being a family. What can I do?”

This is a very difficult situation. I have seen this situation turn out favorably. And I have also seen it tear a family apart. I believe that there is a way to handle it that gives you the best chance of success, although I can’t make any promises because it is impossible to know what the husband is thinking or what his true motivations are.

Try To Set It Up So That You See One Another Regularly And Check In Often: It’s true that you can feel like you have no control in this. But it can help if your husband knows that you are going to check in with one another regularly. That way, he remembers that he is commited to you. He’s not free to just do whatever he wants to do because he is still married.
I know that not everyone is going to embrace this, but I also feel that if you can get him to agree to some sort of counseling or marriage work while you are separated, then this is optimal. Because this ensures that things stay on track between you and that you’re always going back to your marriage.

Work On Yourself. Make It Very Clear That You Aren’t Just Waiting And Putting Yourself On Hold: Many wives have a tendancy to just hold their breath and wait on their husbands to come to a decision. It is as if he is the only one who has any say in how this all turns out. Being in this situation greatly leads to a feeling of helplessness. You feel as if he is holding all of the cards and that you are fighting a villian that you really can’t even see.

But if you are working on yourself, then you regain a sense of control. You know that whatever he does or whatever he decides, then you are still moving forward. And quite frankly, this will often make you more attractive to your husband. If he thinks that you are just waiting around and that you will welcome him back with open arms no matter how long it takes, then what incentive does he have to do the right thing quickly?

Put The Test Issue On The Table: As far as not trusting him, I think that the best that you can do here is to keep tabs while it’s not obvious that this is what you are doing. If you’ve set it up where you’re checking in regularly, then you can take inventory then. And you can set the tone by talking about this very directly.

You might consider something like: “I know that you are saying that you need time, but I hope that it is not something else. I hope that you don’t plan to pursue the other relationship while we are separated. Because we are still married regardless and that would be continued infidelity. I’m going to work hard on myself while we’re separated and I will be doing that on my own. I hope that you can say the same.”

I know that this is difficult, but try not to allow this to take over your thoughts and your actions. The more calm you are and the more you take care of yourself, the easier it is going to be on your end. And when you treat yourself well and show a high degree of respect, you’re encouraging your husband to do the same.

There wasn’t any one else when my husband and I were separated.  But I always worried that he would meet someone else.  Eventually, it became evident that my best bet was working on me and then hoping he would come around, which he did.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who feel desperately unappreciated by their spouse. At first, they will sometimes try to tell themselves that they are expecting too much or being too needy. But, with time, when it doesn’t ever get any better, it starts to wear on you. And you begin to wonder if your life might be better alone or with someone else who at least noticed and appreciated you a little more. It gets old to feel so lonely all of the time. 

An example of a comment that you might hear is something like: “sometimes, I feel as if I am invisible to my husband. I feel like I am just the woman who he expects to make his meals, clean his clothes, and keep up with his children. In truth, any woman could do this. I would be totally replaceable. All he needs is a cook, a maid, and a chauffeur and he wouldn’t need me at all. My birthday was a couple of weeks ago and he forgot it. I had a doctor’s appointment last month and I asked him to pick up the kids one time out of a million and he forgot. I had to leave my doctor’s appointment to pick them up. He never tells me that he loves me. He only shows me affection when I shame him into it. He just doesn’t see me and he certainly doesn’t appreciate me in any capacity. I’m considering leaving him. I don’t want to live as if I am the invisible woman. Is being appreciated too much to ask? When I try to discuss this with my husband, he makes me feel as if I’m being petty. He says a middle-aged woman should not need this much attention and he says he doesn’t ask this of me. But the thing is, I do show him appreciation, so he wouldn’t need to ask. This all makes me so sad. It wasn’t always this way. My husband actually used to be sweet. But not anymore. I don’t know how much more I can take of this marriage.”

When There Is A Positive History, It Doesn’t Make Sense To Throw Everything Away Without A Fight: I didn’t think that this wife was asking too much at all. One of the reasons that people get married is because they want someone with whom they can be happy and they want to be able to give and take affection and appreciation. And when this doesn’t happen, we want to be able to discuss this with our spouse and get some satisfaction. When none of this is happening, then you have every right to be frustrated.

With that said, I’m not sure that you should leave your husband unless this is the last resort. The wife hadn’t mentioned counseling or any other attempt to ease into any change other than to attempt to discuss her anger with her husband. And, when he had resisted her and tried to make her feel guilty for bringing it up, then she hadn’t broached the topic again.

I don’t think it would be a bad idea to give it one more try. And if that doesn’t work, I’d personally seek some professional help by finding a compassionate counselor. And here is why I feel this way. The wife had admitted that things were different early in their marriage. That meant that at his core, the husband wasn’t a bad person and he had it in him to be sweet, appreciative, and affectionate. This gave me hope that once the wife made her needs understood (and once whatever issues in their marriage that were contributing to the disconnect were addressed,) she might see glimpses of the sweet husband that she used to have.

A Conversation (With Specifics) To Consider: I would suggest setting the scene with a comment like: “do you have a minute? I’d like to talk to you about something that is important to me. I don’t want you to hear what I am about to say and think that I am whining because I’m not. But I need you to show me some more appreciation. I am your wife, but sometimes I feel as though I’m not being treated in that way. I don’t feel like someone who you truly value and cherish. Sometimes, I feel more like the hired help. I’m not saying that you are doing this to be mean or that this is your intention. I am just telling you that I need to feel more appreciated. And I’ll be more specific. I need you to notice all of the things that I do. I need you to occasionally do things to let me know that you are grateful for what I do. I’d also like for you to follow through when you tell me that you will do something. I don’t expect overnight changes, but I do want to see an effort. I’d be more than happy to listen to any requests that you have of me. I’d very much like it if we could both be more considerate and loving toward one another. I miss the way that we used to be. Don’t you?”

(Notice that I included specifics.  Why? Because husbands often need you to spell it out.  Appreciation isn’t always intuitive to them. Sometimes, you will need to tell him exactly what you want.)

Don’t be surprised if your husband has his own requests. Much of the time, people begin to take one another for granted or fail to show their appreciation when the marriage has begun to go a little stale. But often, if you can restore communication and get the spark back, you will often notice those playful little aspects of your relationship that you remember longingly from your early days.

But to answer the initial question, I don’t think that wanting appreciation is being selfish or needy. We ALL want to be seen. I think that showing appreciation is an essential part of a healthy marriage. With that said, I’m not sure that I would leave my husband before I gave him every opportunity to make an improvement, even with counseling if necessary.

My own husband didn’t feel appreciated in our marriage and he did leave.  We had a lot of work to do before he would come back. Because he had no interest in me for quite some time. It took multiple strategies to get him interested in me again.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are sure that the stressful situation in their lives is directly behind their marital problems, their separation, or their upcoming divorce. They will tell you that they had a wonderful marriage before the event reared its ugly head. And they don’t know how to reign things in now.

Here’s an example of the types of comments that I hear in this situation: “My husband and I have had a wonderful marriage for about fifteen of our seventeen years. A couple of years ago, we were in a good place in our marriage, with our family, and in terms of finances. We had just paid off our house, and our kids were getting ready to leave home for college. At that point, my husband and I wanted to take a financial risk. Although we were doing well in our jobs, we were a little bored with them, and it was always our dream to start our own business and to work together. We had everything paid for so we made the regrettable decision to mortgage our house again in order to start our business. Needless to say, our business failed and our home is in foreclosure. Our kids have had to move back home because we can no longer pay for their college. During this time, my husband went through a stressful time when one of his parents fell ill. I am very sorry and embarrassed to say that I wasn’t there for my husband at that time. I was grieving the loss of our home and our financial security. I admit this was me being self-centered, but an awful thing happened to us. Last week, my husband said he couldn’t take living with me anymore, and he said he was moving out because he wanted out of our marriage. I was stunned. Since that time, I have found us an inexpensive place to live that has enough room for everyone. When I told my husband about this, he said that’s great news for me and the kids, but he insisted that he isn’t going with us. I am stunned, and I still love him. Now I feel as if I have lost everything. As if it isn’t bad enough to lose my home. What can I do?”

This is such a sad situation, but in today’s economy, it is not at all unusual. What’s doubly unfortunate is that this should be a time when the family pulls together and actually becomes stronger. But, when it seems as if your dreams are being taken away from you one by one, then it can be extremely difficult to not suffer some backlash from this in many areas of your life.

Don’t Panic.  Your Spouse May Gain Some Perspective: I felt that it was possible that the husband would eventually calm down and gain a little perspective. He may well have been lashing out because he didn’t feel supported in regards to the loss of his parent. In other words, his world fell apart all at one time and he felt that his spouse turned on him rather than having his back. I felt that it was important for the wife to acknowledge this, apologize, and ask for forgiveness. That would be the first step. After that, it was important that she try to turn the tide to where she and her husband were clinging to one another for support rather than lashing out at one another or seeing one another as the enemy.

A Suggested Conversation: One way to start this conversation might be to say something like: “I understand that we are both struggling right now. And I don’t blame you for being disappointed that I haven’t been more supportive since you’ve been dealing with more than I have. But, right now, I think that it makes sense for us to pull together. The whole family is going through a very stressful situation and the kids are going to have a huge adjustment. I understand if you need some time. But, I’m going to go forward with the new place because we need a roof over our heads and the kids need things to be as normal as possible. I hope that you will move in with us. I hope that we can maintain our family. Regardless of what happens, you have my support, my love, and my commitment. I hope that we can pull together and see this through as a family.”

He may not come around immediately. He may even need to take the time that he’s saying that he wants. But if he does, he might find that being lonely on top of being stressed out wasn’t the best choice. At times like these, people need their families and the people that they love close by. Hopefully, it wouldn’t take too long for the husband to discover this. I know that many experts will say that stress only brings forth the problems that were already in your marriage. And, while I agree with that to a certain extent, I feel pretty confident that if this couple hadn’t faced foreclosure and financial disaster, they would likely still be together.  Sometimes, all you need is a tipping point for things to come crashing down.

So, at least in my opinion, the key right now was to band together and tackle the days to come. As the stress waned and their lives stabilized, it made sense that their marriage would too, as long as the effort was there.

I can say with certainty that stress was one major factor that contributed to my own separation.  We had to work through it just like all of the other issues.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Most of the time, the people who I hear from are trying desperately to convince their spouse to end a separation in order to reconcile. Sometimes though, I hear from the spouse who is pushing for the separation or who feels as if they need space. Often, this unsatisfied spouse isn’t sure what they want in terms of their marriage. Occasionally though, I hear from someone who wants to both separate and improve or save their marriage at the same time.  In short, they are thinking that the separation is actually going to help them to rebuild their marriage.

Common comments in that situation are things like: “I want to rebuild my marriage. It has become stale and cold. I’m no longer happy. My husband takes me for granted on a daily basis. He’s also somewhat selfish. I’ve asked him to go to counseling but he balks at this. I feel like he has no motivation to make things better because he lives with me and he assumes that I am not going anywhere. So, I am seriously considering leaving him and pursuing a separation in order to get his attention. The hope is that once I’m gone, he will realize that I am serious about seeing some serious change and improvement. And he will have no choice but to work with me in order to save our marriage. Do you think that this might work?” I’ll answer this question below.

Although I have found that a separation can sometimes improve your marriage, I believe that this can be a risk that may not be worth it. I believe that there’s probably a decent compromise that might work just as well without the risk. I will discuss this more below.

The Risk Of Separating To Try To Shake Up Your Marriage: I absolutely understand wanting to scare your spouse into taking action. It’s no fun to feel unappreciated and taken advantage of. It’s frustrating when you see a path which might make things better, but you can’t motivate your spouse to take it.

At the same time, I hear from a lot of folks on my blog who are separated and who wish with everything that they have that they weren’t.  Sometimes, despite their best intentions, there are often assumptions or issues that get intensified when you are separated. Sometimes, despite the best intentions, you can find yourself in a situation where your marriage is hurt, instead of strengthened, by the separation.

Not only that, but not all couples come back together (or even attempt a reconciliation) after a separation. Some couples fully intend to reconcile but never do. This is a real and significant risk. That’s why I think that it’s better to try a few different things before you have to go with this route.

 Consider Giving Him A Deadline Before You Consider Taking Some Temporary Space : I understand why you want for your spouse to realize that you may be forced to leave if you don’t get any significant change. But I believe that it’s possible for you to stay put and still get the same result without the risk.

The next time the issue comes up, you might want to consider something like this: “do you have a second to hear me out? I know that you’ve heard me repeatedly say that I feel unappreciated. I know that this may not be of the greatest importance to you, but it is hugely important to me. I need to see more of an effort on your part. I don’t expect for you to change dramatically over night. But I do need and want to see a considerable effort. I don’t want to feel like your roommate any more. I believe that we need counseling. But if you refuse to consider this, then I will need for you to take some serious initiative so that I see some real improvement. If this doesn’t happen, I may have to take a break for a while to evaluate what I want. Because this has been going on for a while with no real change. I need to see that you are taking me seriously. Can I count on you to really make a concrete effort?”

Understand that you may not see him enthusiastically jump into action. He may struggle at first. But it’s important that you acknowledge even his small efforts. If you want him to keep going and to keep trying, he has to know that you are noticing even the small, initial efforts. The key is to create some momentum so that he wants to keep going. Sure, you won’t get immediate results. But frankly, small, gradual results over time turn into major changes that actually stick because they are actually sincere.

So what happens if he doesn’t make the effort? At first you might bring this to his attention in the hopes that he will come around. He needs to see that you aren’t just going to give up. If he still doesn’t make the effort, then perhaps you go stay with friends for a while, just as you have indicated. In that way, you are trying to get the same effect as separating, but you’re not leaving permanently and you have control over when you come back. And you also do not have the risk.

But to answer the question posed, separating can improve your marriage. But it can also damage it. And in my opinion, it’s just not worth the risk.  As someone who almost lost my marriage over a separation, I wouldn’t recommend willingly taking that step.   I was able to save my marriage.  But it would have been easier if we had lived under the same roof.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from separated wives who feel that they have been giving their husband nothing but time lately. Some of them are on a trial separation. And some just have husbands who are taking a little time away from the wife or from the marriage. Much of the time, the wife tries her best to be understanding and patient during this time away. What choice does she have, really? The husband will typically make it clear that he’s going to take the time whether she willingly gives it or not. So, she doesn’t want to make things worse by refusing his request.

But, what happens, when you’ve patiently given him the time that he has requested and it still isn’t enough? This is a common concern that I hear from many wives. I might get a comment on my blog like: “when my husband first moved out for what was to be a short separation, I told myself that I just needed to be patient with him. I honestly felt that he loved me deep down and that he would eventually do the right thing and take whatever time he needed and would then come back to me. A couple of weeks passed and he still needed time. I didn’t freak out over this. I just told him that I missed him and wanted him home as soon as he worked through whatever it was that he was struggling with. Now, months have gone by. Honestly, my husband and I get along pretty well these days when we are together. We are not together as much as I might like. But when things are going well and I ask when he might come home, he once again says that he needs time. When I ask him how much more time, he doesn’t know. I am starting to believe that no matter how much time I give my husband, it is not going to matter. It seems that he needs an infinite amount of time. And I don’t want to look back five years from now and still be separated because my husband needs time. But, it’s not as if I can give an ultimatum to come home or else. What can I do?”

Whatever Strategy You Use, Give Off The Appearance Of Calm And Patience: I know first hand what a difficult situation this is. When my own husband and I were separated, I tried to pressure my husband many times just because I was so tired of being on my own when I was supposed to be a married woman. But every time I did this, I seemed to regress on the progress that I had made. So it became clear that having patience and trying to improve the situation were the only real choices that I had. But this didn’t make the process any easier and it didn’t make me any less anxious to get him home.

With that said, backing off a little and giving the time he requested (while working strategies to speed things along as much as possible) ended up being the right call because we did reconcile. And if I had lost my patience and demanded that he stop with all of the references to needing time, he may have went ahead and filed for divorce. I’m not saying that you need to give him a pass to take all of the time he needs without complaint. But what I am saying is that I think that you are better off trying to improve your situation quickly so that he wants to come home rather than trying to convince him that he doesn’t actually need the time. Or that his need for time is selfish or excessive (because no one wants to hear or admit this about themselves.)

See If You Can Determine Where He May Still Have Doubts: Much of the time, you can break the cause of your separation down to only a handful of components. I will admit that this can be a painful process as no one wants to look their problems right in the eye. But, if you can’t name what is wrong, then you aren’t likely to work on fixing it. Ideally, you will want to whittle away at these problems during your separation. If you notice that working on your problems is making things worse, then I recommend backing off. Sometimes, your marriage is just too fragile to tackle too many things at once. But if you can at least address the biggest issues, then that will usually help to alleviate your husband’s doubts and thus his need for space.

See If He Will Agree To A Set Time To Reevaluate: I think that one of the hardest things about the request for space is that it is often open ended without any time line. In other words, he’s pretty much saying that he will let you know when he no longer needs the space, but the two of you don’t have any idea whatsoever how long that might be. So, when things aren’t going so well and you’re feeling really bad and discouraged, you can begin to think that this whole space things is going to go on forever. That’s why I believe it helps every one if there is an agreement that it is not going to be open ended.

A Suggested Response: The next time that he says he still needs his space, you might consider a response like: “Ok, I respect that. But my concern is that we are just going to get into a holding pattern here where we never move forward and never make any real progress. Can we agree on a time when we’ll come together and talk about this again? Say, in two weeks? In the mean time, can you share with me what might help to address your doubts? I really do want to help and I have no problem with being patient when I know that we are making progress. I just want to make sure that we are making progress.

In terms of giving an ultimatum, I rarely see that work out well. I know that this wife was worried that all of the time in the world wouldn’t help. I know that feeling. But giving up definitely won’t help. And pressuring him is usually the wrong call also. So I think that the best strategy is to try to get him to clarify what is causing his remaining doubts and then work on those. Also, make sure that you keep communicating and keep reevaluating. It is in your best interest to improve your marriage as much as you can right now. Because this is usually the quickest way to get him to stop needing space and to start the process of coming home.

I hope this article has made you feel a l bit better.  You can always read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are a bit confused about how their martial or trial separation is going, although they don’t want to complain about the same. At first, it actually felt like a separation because the couple lived under separate roofs and saw each frequently in order to check in with one another. But somewhere along the way, the husband started coming home for a night and then a weekend. At first, perhaps this was only happening every few weeks, but eventually, it can become a common occurrence.

I might hear a comment like: “I am not going to complain about my husband coming back home. It’s everything that I can do not to welcome him with open arms. I love my husband and I want him back. Before he started coming home, I only saw him at church and we would occasionally go out to restaurants.  This was nice, but not enough.  When he comes home, he spends the night and it is almost like we are married again before anything ever went wrong between us. It confuses me and hurts me when he leaves again. Once, I asked him where he was going and he answered that we were separated, so he was going to his own home. This is all true. And I don’t want to push so hard that he stops coming around. But it does confuse me and I don’t know what it really means. What do you think it means when you’re separated and your husband still occasionally comes home but doesn’t mention making it permanent?”

It can mean several things. And it can be a good sign if it’s handled it correctly. I wish discuss this further below.

It Can Mean That He Is Taking Advantage Of The Situation: I want to get this possibility out of the way because I don’t think that this is the one that is most likely. However, it wouldn’t be unheard of for a separated husband to come home for a little comfort, a little sex, and a little emotional reassurance. And I am not saying that the husband would be doing this maliciously to hurt his wife. But men do sometimes see an opportunity to get their needs met without worrying if it’s going to hurt and confuse their wife and without thinking about where it all might lead. It can help to ask yourself how he acts around you after he leaves. If he’s distant and tries to cool things off, then that is one indication that there wasn’t much thought behind his actions. As I said, in my view, this isn’t the most likely reason, but I wanted to mention it because it does sometimes happen.

He May Miss You And Want To Naturally Spend A Different Kind Of Time With You: I think that most likely scenario here is that the husband is finding himself missing his wife. Sure, the nights out to dinner and the time at church is wonderful. But it’s not the same as being home with his wife, spending the night with her, and bonding in your own home that you have built together.

Does this blur the boundaries and make it confusing as to how you are going to proceed? You bet it does. And it isn’t healthy for you if you feel that you might be being used and taken advantage of.  That’s why I think that it might be beneficial to have a frank conversation about this. I know that the wife was hesitant to have this conversation. Understandably, she didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize a reconciliation.

I understand this, but I think that there is a way to have this conversation and still ensure that things are going well. The next time he stays over, you may say something like: “I wish that you didn’t have to leave. It always makes me sad and confuses me a little bit when you leave. I never know if this is a positive thing for our marriage or a negative one. I love you and of course I want to spend time with you like this, but it does make me wonder what is going to happen next. Can you share with me what you are thinking about this and if you consider this a positive thing for us?”

Then wait and see what he has to say. I suspect that he will say that he sees it as positive and he is acting out of the fact that he misses his wife. But, he isn’t staying full time either because he still has doubts or because he doesn’t think that you have worked through your problems quite yet. If you get this kind of response, try not to be too discouraged. This tells you that you are making progress. Yes, he may still have his doubts, but this is only natural. And moving slowly can actually benefit your reconciliation process because rushing into it can sometimes mean that you don’t do the work necessary to make sure that your marriage endures.

I’d like to make one further suggestion. Who is to say that the two of you can’t work on your marriage when he comes home? That way, you will both see some improvements and you will both get more assurance that when he does come home for good, then he will be home to stay. So once you get his answer in the conversation above, you may respond with something like: “that’s good to hear. I think that we should keep moving forward then. I look forward to our time together, but I think that it would benefit us to take this one step further and work on our marriage for a certain period of time when you’re home. We could spend the rest of the time having fun, but spending just a little time on our marriage each time you come home would probably help us tremendously and might remove some of our doubts. What do you think?”

To answer the original question though, I believe that it can be a positive sign when your husband makes a habit of coming home during your separation. And if you can begin to slowly work on your marriage and make the time that he comes home more and more frequent, then you may be well on your way to a reconciliation.

I would have loved it if my own husband had come home during our separation.  I wasn’t that lucky, but I was determined.  I worked very hard to bring about a reconciliation.  This took me much longer than I wanted, but eventually I was successful.  It it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who had almost given up on their marriage due to the fact that their separation has gone on for such a long period of time. Sometimes months, or even years, go by while they are not living under the same roof. And, as upsetting as this situation can be, you can almost get used to it after a little while. As much as you’d like to save your marriage, you begin to think that this is never going to happen because living alone and being separated have just kind of become your reality.

But when all of a sudden your spouse announces that he might wish to come back or return home, this can not only be shocking, but also leave you with some hesitation or reservations. After all, you’ve finally gotten used to living on your own. Yes, you struggled at first and not a day has gone by when you hadn’t hoped that things might be different. But eventually, you picked yourself up and you did the best you could. So when all of a sudden your husband wants to change this situation, you might have extremely conflicting feelings.

I might hear a comment like: “my husband and I have been separated for just over a year. At first, it was horrible. I begged him to come home on an almost a daily basis. He always resisted. He always said that he needed more time. In the beginning, I kept up hope as much as I could. I thought that if I was just patient and gave him the time that he was asking for, then eventually he might come around. But weeks started to pass. In the beginning, we kept in touch pretty regularly. But after a couple of months went by, he wasn’t in contact quite as much. It wasn’t unusual for weeks to go by and for me not to hear from him. At that point, I still hadn’t given up hope. I was still trying to keep a stiff upper lip and believe that we were meant to be together and that he would come to this realization eventually. After a little while, it had been six months since my husband first moved out. All of my friends told me that I was crazy to still hold out hope in the way that I was. I knew that this was probably true, but I wasn’t ready to give up. So I decided to reach out to my husband, and when I did, things got a little better. We started seeing one another more. But then things cooled off again. So we kind of got into that type of cycle where we’re be a little on and then a little off.   Then a couple of months ago, he told me that he was taking a trip out of the country to try to gain a new perspective on his life. I knew that I couldn’t really tell him that he couldn’t go. And when he was away, I didn’t hear from him at all for the whole time. And it was during this time when I sort of decided that I was going to begin to move on and live my life. This was a struggle for me, but I did it. Well, last week out of the blue, my husband returned and called me. He said that he decided that he wanted to come back home. I was flabbergasted. I wasn’t expecting that at all. Part of me is so happy because this is what I was wanting all along. But the other part of me wonders why he suddenly changed his mind and how our marriage is going to stand a chance when we have lived apart for so long. Frankly, nothing has really changed – except for my husband’s attitude. Does our marriage really have any chance of making it?”

This was a tough situation. Of course the wife didn’t want to turn her husband away in this scenario. She had been hoping and dreaming for months that he was going to want to come home. But, because this hadn’t been her reality, she had begun to think that giving up would be preferable to being hurt month after month. With that said, it made sense that she was doubtful and had concerns. This couple hadn’t lived under the same roof for over a year. And now, all of a sudden, the husband has an abrupt change of heart that means that everything is going to be fine and seamless? Frankly, this didn’t seem all that likely.

But I don’t think that this meant that she should give up. I believe that there are some things that you can do to increase your chances for success. I will discuss them now.

Think About Doing This Gradually: I think that him just showing up at your door one day, bags in hand, is probably not the best plan. You have to suspect that there is going to be an adjustment period and some awkwardness. Since you are both so used to living alone, it probably would be quite easy for him to move out again when things get rough. So, you want to do everything that you can to avoid this pitfalls.

That’s why I’d highly recommend doing this gradually. The wife herself admitted that they hadn’t seen one another or spent any meaningful time together for quite some time now.  So, it makes sense to implement a plan where that they would perhaps see each other daily for a while and then perhaps have him stay a couple of nights on the weekend for a while. That way, there is not nearly as much pressure on the situation and you are free to tweak issues as they come up. Plus, there isn’t likely to be too much togetherness and, if there is, you can go your separate ways and come back together after a break.

Make Some Progress On Your Issues Before You Attempt To Live Together Again: This couple hadn’t done much to identify the reoccurring problems in their relationship.  So, you had to suspect that once they were living together again, those same problems would crop up.  It’s important to try to work through the most problematic issues so that you aren’t dealing with more than just learning to live together once again.

With all of this said, I don’t want to take the celebration out of this process.  Having a spouse who is willing to return home after a year away is a reason to celebrate, especially since this is what you’ve wanted for so long.  Now, it’s just time to do a little work to ensure that he stays home.

Frankly, I would have loved to have had this problem during my own separation.  I had to work very hard to get my husband to change his mind.  It was difficult at times and I made many mistakes.  But eventually, I was successful.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who know that their marital problems stem at least partly from their spouse’s anger. This can be extremely difficult when you know that your own actions caused this anger. Even so, these wives often very much want for everything to be OK again. They want to reconcile with their husbands. They want to pick up their marriage where it left off. But it seems as if their husband’s justifiable anger might prevent this from happening.

An example of a comment in this situation is something like: “I made a big mistake that caused my husband to lose his trust in me. I was continuing to hold onto to my old apartment and bank account behind his back. It wasn’t that I thought that our marriage was never going to work or that I would need these things again. It’s just that these things represented my own hard work and independence. I just didn’t want to give them up. In my own mind, I was paying for these things with my own money. I wasn’t staying at the apartment or anything. I wasn’t hoarding the money in the bank account. Nor was I planning to ever withdrawal it. I looked at these things like assets that I had earned and worked hard for in a previous life, so I didn’t want to just give them up or roll them into our joint bank account. Well, my husband was going through some of my files in my office and he found the bank statements. He put this all together and he is furious with me. In his mind, I was using the apartment to meet his boyfriends or something. This isn’t true at all. I haven’t even been back to the apartment since we have been married. I haven’t touched the money. I haven’t even added any money to it. Basically both things are just sitting there. I understand why my husband is angry that I kept these things from him. I’m willing to take responsibility for that. But, I don’t think that this is something that we need to break up over. If it means this much to him, I’ll give these things up. I’ll put the money in our joint account. But he won’t even give me the opportunity to tell him this. He took some of this clothes and he is staying with his brother. He won’t listen to me. I want to reconcile because I feel like this argument is an incredibly silly one. But my husband won’t give me the time of day. How are we ever going to work this out or get back together if he is still this angry with me?”

I know that this situation can make you feel quite panicked and desperate. But I don’t think that it is time to give up hope just yet. With time, anger fades. Perspective reigns. Just because your husband is furious today, this doesn’t mean that he won’t change his mind tomorrow. With this said, there are some things that you can try which may help you bring about a resolution a little more quickly. I’ll discuss some of those things now.

If He’s Getting More And More Angry As You Attempt A Reconciliation, Then Give Him A Bit More Time: Usually, in this type of situation, the wife will try to keep talking and keep explaining. This is understandable because she thinks that if she can just explain one more time, then he will finally understand. But, sometimes, this only makes things worse. Because what he needs is time. And when you interrupt this needed time over and over again in an attempt to explain, then he can become just more and more angry and frustrated. This isn’t doing anything to encourage your progress. So sometimes, you are better off giving one final detailed explanation and then just backing away and giving him his space.

Encouraging Him To Finally Listen: If you find that you are only arguing when you try to explain or if he is interrupting you, then perhaps it’s time to consider writing him a letter or even an email. That way, he can read it when he is calm and ready to hear your message and you do not need to worry about being interrupted. You may just want to explain that you would like one last opportunity to give one last explanation and then you will give him his space.

Don’t go overboard in the letter. Just explain the facts and then state what you want to happen. In other words, explain why you kept the money and apartment and then stress that you never did any of this maliciously or with any attempt to one day come back for these things. Tell your husband that you are willing to work with him so that you are both comfortable with the situation. Then, ask him to give you a chance to make this right. End the letter by telling him that you are going to respect his need for space and that you will be waiting to hear from him, since you don’t want to continue to frustrate him with unwanted communication.

Then, back away a little bit and give him the time to calm down and realize that you didn’t mean to be malicious with this. Allow him to see that you will change the situation if given the chance. But to answer the original question, sometimes, it’s not possible to immediately reconcile when one spouse is furious. That’s why it’s important to be careful, to be patient, and to give your spouse time to calm down.  

It’s important that you state your case in the calmest, most sincere way possible.  I had to use the gradual approach with my own husband.  But he had gone beyond just moving out.  We were actually separated.  Although I was often impatient, it quickly became clear that this was going to be a gradual process.   You can read about how it turned out on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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