Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who feel that their spouses sudden need for “space” or his desire for a marital separation stems, at least in part, to some personal struggles that he’s been experiencing. Often, the spouse who doesn’t want the separation firmly believes that the difficulties or the stressors that their spouse is facing is greatly contributing to his behaving in such a way that might place his marriage in jeopardy. And for this, there is understandable worry.

As an example, I might hear a comment like: “my husband’s sister died suddenly about eight months ago. Understandably, he was devastated. And, he has been struggling ever since. This has been so hard to watch. My husband has always been a social drinker but after he lost his sister, he started drinking heavily. And his work performance suffered. He eventually got demoted at his job and it wouldn’t shock me if he were eventually fired. For the past several months, he’s been talking about how unhappy he is. Then several weeks ago, his talks of unhappiness turned to our marriage. Then he moved out and said that he wanted to separate for a while because he was no good for me and he needed to be by himself. I really didn’t feel as if I had any other choice but to accept this. The other day, I went by my husband’s place and I was shocked when he came to the door. He was disheveled and by the way he smelled, I could tell that he hadn’t showered recently and that he had been drinking. I expressed concern and he told me that I was overreacting. He said that he’d had a hard day at work and just needed to unwind. I’m so worried for him and I hate that he’s not living with me so that I can keep an eye on him. I’m worried that his downward spiral is going to accelerate now that we are separated. Despite everything, I want to save my marriage. I still love him. I still believe in him. I’m not sure where I go from here.”

This situation is quite sad. And quite common. Many wives in this situation desperately want go get their husbands the help that he very obviously needs. But these husbands are often quite resistant to this and he will often think that you are only trying to do this to place the blame for the failing marriage onto him, even when that isn’t even close to your real intention. They will often think that you are being critical instead of legitimately worrying about them. And, when you are already separated and when your marriage is already on shaky ground, this can be tricky. Below, I’ll offer some suggestions on some thing that you might try to improve the situation.

Consider Not So Obvious Ways To Get Him To Counseling: It was pretty obvious that therapy might help this husband. And the wife had mentioned it to him many times and he had resisted. If this is the case, you might want to try to get him there in another way. Often, you’ll have a little more success if you allude to the fact that the therapist is going to be addressing marital issues or even your issues if this is what you have to say. (Of course, you will have to find an open therapist who is willing to help you with this.) You might tell him that you have decided to work on yourself during the separation and that the therapist has suggested some joint sessions to help you support one another. He is likely to be a little more receptive if he thinks that he is helping you instead of analyzing him. Of course, the therapist can’t go into his problems all of a sudden. The idea is to ease him into this only when he has become comfortable with the situation and can begin to see the benefit of it.

Check In As Much As The Situation Will Allow: Sometimes, I suggest that wives give their husband the space that he has asked for. The reason behind this is that in my own situation, I learned that backing up a little was actually very beneficial. But, when you’re seeing your husband self destruct before your eyes, then the backing off strategy can be risky because when he is lost in this way, you don’t want to stand back for long periods of time. You may have to limit yourself to quick and simple conversations just to make sure that he is OK. Or, you may have to alternate this with friends or family members who are close to him and who know what is going on. If you can organize a circle of friends and each of you take turns checking in with him, then it hopefully won’t feel as if any one person is coming on too strongly. Speaking of friends, this leads me to my next point.

See If Others Can Get Through To Him When You Can’t: Sometimes, we are the most defensive around our spouse. We don’t want for our spouse to see us as weak or as needing this type of care. So when our spouse suggest that we are struggling, we will do everything in our power (including pushing them away) to prove that they are wrong. If this is the case, see if your husband will instead listen to a close friend who he trusts. It doesn’t always have to be you who gets him the help that he needs.

In my own situation, I found that I had to feel my way.  Some days my husband was receptive to me.  And some days he wasn’t.  I had to be flexible but determined. If it helps, you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from spouses who have been very honest about the fact that they are no longer happy with their marriages. Often, they hesitate to share this information because they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. But when enough time goes by that it’s clear that nothing is going to change, they feel as though they have to say something. So they sit their spouse down and they tell him or her that they just aren’t happy and they ask their spouse for help. Sometimes, they can be quite disappointed with the results. And it can begin to feel as if their spouse isn’t even willing to make even the smallest effort.

To give you an example of what I mean, I might hear a wife say: “my husband used to be so romantic and attentive. It used to be that he couldn’t do enough for me to show me how much he loved and appreciated me. He used to buy me flowers and special treats. He used to take me out to dinner just to spend time to me. Now, he takes me for granted on a daily basis. I rarely get his attention, much less his affection. I feel like I am invisible. I am happy that I am able to stay home with my children, but I feel like he thinks less or me because of it. He seems like he doesn’t respect me as much as he did when I worked. Most of the time, we only talk about the kids. There are times when I have fantasized about just leaving him. But I don’t want to do that to my kids. So, I sat my husband down and I told him that I wasn’t happy. He didn’t take this well. He told me that I am selfish and that he works very hard to make enough money so that I can stay home and here I am telling him that what he does isn’t good enough for me. He asked me what I do to make him happy. He pretty much made me feel like a loser. And he’s made it clear that he won’t even try to do different things to make me happy. What now?”

This is a bit difficult for me to answer because, in my own situation, I was in the husband’s shoes. My own husband tried to tell me that he wasn’t happy. But, I didn’t pay much attention and I told myself he was just blowing off steam. I can assure that he wasn’t. He eventually became frustrated and impatient with my not taking any action.  And he left. We ended up separated. And you can believe that I paid attention then.

So its actually very important to convey how serious of a situation this truly is. Sure, your husband is probably hoping that he can just downplay this and that you will stop talking about it. But you are the only one who can show him that this isn’t true. And, with a few tips, you can probably learn how to approach him so that he not only listens, but he takes some action to make sure that you are happier within your marriage.

Make Sure That He Isn’t Just Hearing Your Criticize Him: As a person who has been on the other side of this conversation, I can tell you that when you hear these words, it can feel like an attack and it can feel as if you need to defend yourself. So, you’re not necessarily hearing what they are asking of you. Instead, you’re hearing them tell you that you are not good enough. And that hurts. So whether you mean for it to happen or not, sometimes, you end up making your spouse even more unhappy as a result.

The unhappy spouse has to be very careful about how they approach this. They want to say this in such a way that it doesn’t feel hurtful to the recipient. In addition, you need to attempt to undo some of the damage that has already been done. I would suggest something like: “the last time we discussed this, it didn’t go well. So I’d like to try again. I’m not trying to tell you that you are not a good, and hard working husband. I very much appreciate all that you do for our family. But do you remember when we were first dating and the two of us couldn’t do enough for each other and couldn’t talk or touch one another enough? I know that we were young and a bit naive. I know that we have additional responsibilities now. But I miss those days. They were so special. I don’t expect for you to come home from a hard day of work and then work for me. But, I would like it if you would touch me more and listen for a little longer. I would like it if you’d stop for a few minutes and ask me about my day so that I feel heard. I’d like to know that you appreciate me. And, in return, I vow to do the same for you. I feel like we could both do better. And I feel that if we both put in the effort, we’d see a huge pay off. Will you help me to make this happen?”

I’d like to make one final point. It can be a mistake to insinuate that you expect for your spouse to “make” you happy. This just isn’t fair because the only person who can truly make you happy is you.  Your husband can’t make you happy without a lot of your input and help in the process. But yes, it is worth the effort for you to mention this again. You both deserve to be happy. And with a little effort, I believe that you can be.

As I alluded to, I wish I’d listened to my husband when he told me that he wasn’t happy.  It would have saved a lot of time and pain.  We did reconcile and I made some important changes. If it helps, you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are starting to realize a vital truth during their marital separation. You know that old phrase “you get more bees with honey than with vinegar?” Well, often, when it comes to getting your husband back, this phrase is absolutely true. And what it means is that you will generally have more success when you are able to lure your husband back with positive actions instead of trying to make him begrudgingly come back because of negativity or feelings like guilt, shame or obligation.

Unfortunately, many of us don’t realize this important truth until AFTER we have already done quite a bit of damage with a bit of negativity and desperation. And by then, we hope that it’s not too late to try something new.

I might hear a comment like: “for the last three months, I have tried very hard to appeal to my husband’s sense of commitment in order to get him to come home to me. I have tried to make him feel as if he’s hurting our children and being selfish. This hasn’t worked. If anything, it just makes him more hostile. The other day, I was so tired of the whole charade. My husband came to pick up the kids and I was so discouraged that I just made jokes and acted silly. I didn’t mean anything by this. I was just trying to do something – anything – to break the tension. I was stunned when this seemed to work so well. My husband ended up staying and having dinner with us and he called me the next day. So now it’s clear to me that I need to act nice. But what I really want to do is to entice him to come home. But, I’m not sure how to go about this. It’s not in my personality to entice anyone. But I’m willing to go outside of my comfort zone. I want my husband home. How is the best way to go about this?”

I am glad when I hear from a wife who realizes that she will generally have more success when she moves toward positivity. I know that this can be a challenge when you are feeling scared and unsure, but it almost always makes the situation better, at least in my experience. And enticing him is much better than trying to shame him, show him his selfishness, or make him feel guilty.

Be Careful That You Don’t Overdo This Strategy.  Stay With What Has Worked And Build: If I am being honest, I have to caution you that sometimes, this whole “enticing him home strategy” can be tricky. Here is why. Much of the time, you will find that when you are lighthearted and upbeat, he will respond favorably – and almost as if he is relieved. Why? Because he is relieved. He’s glad that he doesn’t have to avoid you anymore so that you won’t try to make him feel guilty. He’s glad that the kids won’t get caught in the middle. Of course he would prefer it if the family could have some fun together again rather than fighting. In short, things feel much better once all of the pressure is off.

Don’t Make Any Strategy Obvious And Overdone: Here’s the rub. If it is obvious that you are trying to “entice” him to come home, then you the run the risk of him feeling pressured (or manipulated) once again. Many wives are quite confused when they start to see him be receptive after she exhibits positive behavior only to see him back away again when she tries to entice him. Why does this happen? Because he sees what is happening. And he doesn’t know if he is ready for that yet. Even worse, he starts to wonder if all of this new and better light heartedness was just a ruse all along. See what I mean about treading lightly here.

I’m certainly no expert, but in my experience, you have to be careful here. In my view, the best way to entice him is to not try too hard. If something is working for you, by all means do more of it but be careful not to cross the line. In this scenario, I’d suggest that the wife try to get many more family dinners under her belt and make sure that this all goes well before she decides to take it a little further.

Entice Doesn’t Mean Seduce: Take care that you aren’t confusing the phrase “entice” with “seduce.” Entice can mean being playful and positive.  When you entice, you are making your husband want to spend quality time with you because it is such a relief and frankly, it’s pleasurable. He likely misses you. He likely gets a pay off from being with you in a low pressure way. There are times when things are going well and it’s clear that it’s time to take it to the next level. But I believe very strongly that you are almost always better off allowing your husband to give the signal that it is time. It’s best to allow him to take the initiative. Because if you take it too far and he backs away, it can be quite a challenge to restore that sense of a low pressure situation once again.

I think that the best way to “entice” is to just keep things fun and low key. Allow him to flirt with you (if it is going that way) and flirt back. But when it is time to take it even further, allow for him to take that first step and respond in kind. Make the anticipation great. Make him wonder sometimes. Don’t come on too strongly or he may suspect that this is all an act.

In my own life, I learned that enticing my husband to come back to me was a very delicate balance.  If I did it just right, I made great progress.  But if I pushed it too far, I had to start over.  If it helps, you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who aren’t sure how to approach their husband during their trial separation. Often, they believe that it is their husband’s behavior that made the separation necessary in the first place. So, they are understandably a little angry at him. And they are afraid that this is going to come out during their interactions during the separation. And, while they don’t want to put their marriage in jeopardy because of their behavior, this is how they really feel. They can’t help their anger. They can’t help their disappointment. And they feel as if the separation is mostly their husband’s fault.

I might hear a comment like: “my husband and I are separated because of his behavior. That is pure and simple. Throughout our marriage, my husband has always flirted with other women right in front of me and this has always been a problem. However, every time I would confront him about this, he would tell me that I was overreacting. Well, several months ago, I caught him having inappropriate text messages with one of his coworkers. Needless to say, I had a huge blow up about this. And, once again, my husband told me that I was overreacting and seeing something that wasn’t there. About four weeks later, I found the same type of exchange between my husband and yet another coworker. I was really upset this time. In fact, I was so mad that I kind of went numb. When my husband would try to talk to me, I wouldn’t respond. I closed myself off to him. And, as a result, he says that he feels as if we need to separate. I can’t really deny this. We probably do need to separate. And I am not sure how to treat him during this separation. I am still really angry at him. But I feel like if I continue to approach my husband with anger, he is eventually going to get tired of this and he may start up a relationship with some of the women with whom he is flirting. I don’t want for this to happen. Ultimately, I would like to save my marriage. But I also want for my husband’s behavior to change. I want him to be faithful and loyal to me. But if I push him away, there will be no marriage to save. Should I be nice to my husband during the separation that was all his doing? Or is that being hypocritical?” I will try to answer this question in the following article.

I think that before I attempt to answer this, I want to stress that the appropriate path to take here is going to hugely depend on what you ultimately want the outcome to be. If you really don’t care what happens with your marriage and you aren’t ever going to be able to trust your husband again, then allowing your true feelings of anger to come out isn’t going to be that great of a concern. But, if you think that you are hopeful (or at least open) about the future of your marriage, then you will want to take some extra care, which leads me to my next point.

You Don’t Have To Lie About How You Really Feel, But It Is A Good Idea To Act In A Way That Allows An Open Ended Future: I am not going to tell you that you need to embrace your husband despite his deplorable behavior or that you need to lie about how you really feel. Your feelings are valid. You have the right to them. And they are justified. But, you have to think about your long term goals.

And, if you allow your anger to lead your behaviors, you are likely to approach your husband with behaviors that are angry, resentful, and closed off. And even if it is not your intention, you could be giving your husband the message that your anger at him is more prevalent than your love for him. If you want to save your marriage, then this may be something that you want to carefully consider.

Now, I’m not going to tell you that you need to act in a fake, sweet way that obviously isn’t genuine. Your husband knows that you are angry with him. So pretending that you are not doesn’t really do you any good and it just makes your husband question how genuine this whole process is.

That’s why I believe that there is usually a medium between allowing your genuine feelings out without any hesitation and acting in such a way that doesn’t jeopardize the future of your marriage, should you eventually decide that you might want to save it.

Not Hiding Your Disappointment While Being Receptive To Future Changes: It was pretty clear that this wife wanted to keep her future options open. She knew that at some point, she may want to forgive her husband and save her marriage. She also knew that it was important that her future actions were in alignment with this. But, she didn’t want to behave like a hypocrite and pretend to be nice to husband when she was feeling anything but nice.

I think that it is both acceptable and authentic for your husband to know that you are very disappointed in and angry about his behavior. But it is very important to separate the behavior from the person so that your anger doesn’t feel personal. You can be angry at your spouse without believing that your spouse is a deplorable person who can never be redeemed. That is the real difference.

You can be disappointed in him but still believe in him enough that you’d be willing to save the marriage if you saw some rehabilitation and some remorse. That, to me is the distinction. So to answer the original concern, I believe that you can be nice to your husband during the separation because you are trying to leave the future open. But this doesn’t mean that you also have to be fake or to pretend that you aren’t angry and disappointed. There is room for all of those feelings and behaviors as long as you are clear on the fact that ultimately, you want to work this out. And, as long as you remember that people (your husband included) will not be as receptive to you if you are abrasive and angry.

Frankly, I was overwhelmingly nice to my husband during our separation.  And it rang as fake.  He didn’t respond well to this.  So I had to learn to strike a balance, which eventually worked.  If it helps, you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are both confused and scared. Lately, their husband has been very honest about the fact that he’s unhappy and he’s beginning to think that he no longer wants to be married to them. But, he isn’t making any move to leave or to change the situation.  The wife can ask herself why he would go so far as to tell her about his unhappiness and then do nothing to change the situation by leaving.

To demonstrate, I might hear a comment like: “for the last two months, my husband has been very unhappy, very sarcastic, and very mean. I kept asking him what was wrong and at first he wouldn’t tell me. But then I kept at him and he finally broke down and told me that he wasn’t happy and that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be married to me any longer. At first, I didn’t take much stock in this. But then he began saying it all of the time. It seemed that every time we had a conversation, he would find a way to work in how he didn’t want to be with me any longer. I tried very hard not to engage him. I didn’t want to get into a huge argument about this. But, at the same time, I kept waiting for him to pack a bag and to leave, even though this is the last thing that I want. He never did. His habit seems to be to tell me how hideous it is to be with me and then to take no action whatsoever. Why would he do this? Does he have any intention of leaving me or not?”

Why It Might Be Significant That He Isn’t Leaving: I can’t tell you what he’s thinking, although I wish that I could. But, what I can do is to tell you a theory that I have based on comments from many men that I get in this situation on my blog. Much of the time, if a man is so unhappy that he feels that he must take some physical space, he will do so. You often see situations where the couple absolutely can not afford to support two households and the wife will tell herself that she’s safe because finances are going to make it impossible for him to leave her. So she is surprised and disappointed to find that he’s arranged to stay with friends or family. The point is, when a man is determined to leave his wife and he is motivated by unhappiness, then he will generally find a way.

The fact that he isn’t actively making an effort to move out tells me that he is potentially waiting or hoping for some change to take place before he takes any dramatic action. He might be just trying to be honest and hoping that this message is scary enough for you that you are going to work with him to make some improvements to your marriage so that he doesn’t actually have to leave. Again, if he really didn’t want to be under the same roof as you, he would probably take the initiative to leave. The fact that he hasn’t yet done that could be significant.

Getting To The Heart Of The Matter: I believe that you have a unique opportunity right now. He’s still living under the same roof as you so you still have access to him. So, now would be the time to address those issues that are contributing to the unhappiness.

You don’t want to challenge him or ask him why, if he’s so unhappy, he hasn’t just left. Because if you do this, you run the risk of him actually leaving. Instead, you just want to be grateful that you have more time to make things right. Now, it’s possible that you already know what is making him unhappy. You may already know which issues need your most immediate attention.

But, if you don’t, then it’s time to initiative a conversation about this. You might say something like: “it concerns me to hear you say that. Of course, I want for both of us to be happy in our marriage. I want for both of us to willingly want to be here. Can you share with me what issues are making you the most unhappy? I’d like the chance to address the issues. But I can’t be very effective with this if I don’t know what’s wrong. If you share with me what I can do to help to fix the issues that are bothering you the most, then I’m willing to do that. Because it doesn’t make sense for either of us to go through our lives and our marriage not being fulfilled.”

Hopefully, he will be honest and forthcoming about what is bothering him the most. If he can’t articulate it, you will likely have to do some digging or watch his nonverbal cues. Watch for when he is the most agitated and the most unhappy. The point is, I believe that you are better off addressing the issues that are bothering him rather than pointing out that his actions don’t match his words, since he’s unhappy but not moving out.

I know that this situation is painful and frustrating. But you often have to ask yourself what you really want. And if what you really want is for your husband to stop telling you that he’s unhappy, then your best bet is to pinpoint the cause of his unhappiness and address it. That way, you’ll no longer have to worry about his negative comments or about his leaving. Because happy husbands don’t do either of these.

I understand where you are right now.  I was in this situation also – with one exception.  My husband actually left.  And because we weren’t under the same roof, it was difficult to get him back.  But I eventually found some strategies that worked.  If it helps, you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are dealing with a husband who is expressing his unhappiness with their marriage. Sometimes, he even takes this a step further and begins to speak of a separation or divorce. At that point, the wife will ask questions to determine why he might be doing this. One common question is doesn’t he love her? He will often tell her that he does love her, but will come up with a bunch of issues that negates that love.

Here’s an example of the type of comments that I get: “Last week my husband asked me to get a sitter for the kids so that he could take me out to dinner. This was unusual but I didn’t really worry about it because I thought that he was just trying to be sweet. Well, I should have been worried because he told me that he wasn’t happy in our marriage and that he was going to be leaving for a while. I was stunned about this. I knew that our marriage had been a little tense lately. We have dealt with a lot of stress within the last six months. I got demoted at my job and therefore we have struggled to pay the bills. My husband’s sister got cancer and although she’s hanging in there, her condition looked grave for a while. So I believe that these things are making him unhappy, not our marriage. So I asked my husband if he still loves me. And he said that he loved me but he was unhappy. He loved me but he needed space. He loved me, but love alone isn’t going to make him happy. Every time we had this exchange, he would admit that he loves me, but then he would negate it with phrases that indicated he feels like my roommate and that the spark is gone and he needs to be on his own for a while. What do I make of this?”

Don’t Assume Him Wanting Time For Himself Means He’s Falling Out Of Love With You. But Take This Seriously: I can’t tell you how incredibly common this is. People often assume that when one spouse asks for a separation, that same spouse no longer loves the other. This isn’t always the case. Many of these spouses fully admit that they still love their spouse very much. They aren’t even trying to deny that. But they’re also very clear on the fact that just merely feeling love for their spouse isn’t making them feel happy. Despite that love, there is still a feeling of discontent. There are feelings of emptiness that are making him feel like he needs to make a change in his life. Many wives will cling very tightly to those feelings of love and hope that this means that they don’t have anything to worry about. And while it can help that the love is still there, I’d caution you to not feel complacent because of it. Plenty of couples who still love one another get a divorce because their separation didn’t go well or because they just can’t seem to sort out their problems. (My husband claimed to still love me, but we separated.)

Don’t Try To Argue With Or Counterpoint What He Is Saying. Accept His Version Of The Truth And Don’t Waste Time: Understandably, many wives want to end this stalemate in the quickest way possible. So, they will often attempt to poke holes in his argument or to show him where he’s wrong. In short, they turn his feelings into something that is up for debate. I have to tell you that this strategy has a high failure rate. Much of the time, the more you debate this, the more he will cling tightly to his convictions. He’ll repeat his arguments and, in his mind, this will only strengthen them. He’ll want to leave that much faster.

Make Him See That You Are On His Side And Not Trying To Block Him. Let Him Know You Support His Happiness: I believe that you are better off agreeing to disagree. Even if you don’t agree with what he is saying, he believes it. Thus, it is his version of the truth so it doesn’t matter if you think it’s accurate or not.  Your disagreeing with him makes him think that you are someone who doesn’t want him to get what he wants because you are motivated by what you want instead. This whole process can be a waste of time and can actually push him further away from you.

In my opinion, you’re better off accepting his version of the truth and then addressing it. Don’t try to tell yourself that he’s only making excuses and therefore it’s not going to matter what you do. It does matter. That’s why your next step should be to present yourself as someone who is supportive and who wants to help him get what he wants and needs. Because once you become his ally, you bring him closer to you.

So you might respond with something like: “It’s reassuring to hear that you still love me because I also still love you and I think it is this love that is going to be a foundation on which we can rebuild. I have no problem with your taking some time. If you want to do that at home, I can either make myself scarce or stay with friends. I know that the last several months have been difficult for both of us. I’d like for us to pick up the pieces together and move forward. Let me know what I can do to help you with this process.”

At that point, you’ve set the stage for him to tell you what he wants and needs from you. Try very hard not to see this whole process as a rejection. He has told you that he still loves you and that matters. Because not all wives have this. Many husbands seeking a separation have no problem telling their wives that they don’t love them anymore. But your husband does. This is vitally important because it lets you know that you still have a foundation that you can use as a starting point.

I always suspected that my husband still harbored some love for me.  But, when we were separated, that love didn’t seem to matter to him.  Instead, he wanted to see some real changes before he was receptive to me again. If it helps, you are more than welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who can literally feel their husband pulling away from them. They can’t help but notice that their husband’s commitment to them and their marriage seems to be lessening. Perhaps he’s just distant, absent, or cold. Or, maybe he’s even started to talk about needing space, a separation, or a divorce. However he expresses himself, it’s often obvious that he just isn’t into the marriage as much as he once was.

To demonstrate, I might hear from a wife who says: “over the last couple of months, it has become obvious to me that my husband doesn’t really want to be married anymore. He has told me as much. The other day, he said that he just doesn’t feel that we need to be married in order to raise our children. He said that plenty of divorced families are still very cordial to one another and still co parent their children together. And he insists that those same children can grow up to be successful and well adjusted. In other words, my husband no longer sees the value of being married to me. How can I make him see that marriage matters? How can I make him understand that it’s important for both our children or us?”

Why You’re Right That Marriage Is Important: This is a common question. Much of the time, the wife intimately understands how important marriage is in terms of her children and in terms of her own well being. She’ll often cite statistics that indicate that married men live longer and are happier. Or, she’ll recount articles that she has read outlining how harmful divorce is for children. These things are all true. There are plenty of statistics that indicate that children of divorce are at higher risk of divorce themselves or of underperforming at school. Of course, this isn’t true in every case. Some families do just fine. But over all, most experts agree that the optimal situation for children is to grow up with both of their parents.

What I Think Is The Best Strategy: It’s my experience that statistics alone often will not sway a husband who is unhappy. Because in his mind, he’s giving up his own happiness for something that may not make that great of a difference ten years from now. In essence, you’re asking him to make a sacrifice and not everyone is going to be willing to do this.

I believe that the better strategy is instead to show your husband that he can be both happy and married. It’s very common for husbands to reach a certain age and to be a bit disappointed with what they have accomplished and experienced in their life. People are often quick to label this a mere mid life crisis. But, it often goes beyond this. Because he will often think that it is having a marriage or a family that is holding him back. I know that this isn’t fair. I know that it is hard to hear. But men often express this thinking on my blog and I feel like you should be aware of this because it will help you in forming a successful strategy going forward.

So in my opinion and experience, the best strategy here is to take an honest look at your life and your marriage. How could you make it more exciting, fulfilling, and fresh for both of you? How could you enhance your experiences as a family? How could you allow your husband more fun experiences while still having in the fold of his family?

Because if a man is content with his family life and his marriage, then he isn’t going to question the importance of being married. It’s only when he begins to think that being married holds him back in some way that he begins to question if being married is necessary and beneficial. It’s only human nature to appeal to his sense of loyalty and to his role as a parent. But some men will think that they can still be a good parent even if they are not married so this is not always effective.

I believe that it’s more effective to focus on making him content being both a married man and a family man. This does sometimes take some work and some time. It will sometimes mean that you have to step outside of your comfort zone and you may need to be the one who initiates the change. This can, at times, feel unfair. It feels as if you are doing all the giving and you are doing all of the work.

I do understand this and I do understand feeling discouraged by this process. But I believe that it is better than the alternative which is trying to convince a man who thinks he isn’t as happy to do the unselfish thing when he’s beginning to think that being married is not necessary to his being a happy person or a decent parent. People often will act based on what they think is the best for them and what will make them happiest. Your job is to encourage him to see that it is your changing and improving marriage that is going to fit this bill.

I did try to appeal to my husband’s sense of loyalty when we separated.  I tried to paint marriage as being necessary and beneficial.  This didn’t matter though.  So I had to work on making us happier together by making some changes. If it helps, you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who finally got up their courage to broach the topic of their separated husband finally coming home. Often, they have to work up their courage for quite a while. It’s difficult enough to be separated and to miss your husband horribly. It’s even harder to broach the topic of him coming home – even if this is what you want more than anything.  Because doing so means that you might risk rejection only to have him tell you no.

As an example, I might hear a comment like: “it was my husband who wanted the separation and it was my husband who moved out. At first, he really was avoiding me. He wasn’t returning my calls and he always had an excuse not to spend time together when I dropped by. Very slowly, things started to get better for us. Over time, we started to talk and see one another more and more. Sometimes, we would even go out on dates and connect. My husband seemed much happier and our time together kind of reminded me of the early days of our marriage. One weekend recently, we spent the night together and things were so sweet between us. The next morning, I asked my husband to move back home and he looked me right in the eye and he told me no. He said that he wasn’t even thinking of those terms. I’m devastated by this. I feel like my marriage doesn’t stand a chance now and I am just wasting my hope and my time. I am so upset about this. What now?”

This Doesn’t Mean That You Have To Give Up: I know that this is very discouraging and hurtful. I know that you feel as if you have been rejected twice. It’s almost like a slap because you worked so hard to gain some ground and now it can feel as if you have lost that ground. But don’t make this contribute to your giving up on what you have already gained. Sure, you may have to wait a little longer. But isn’t this preferable to just letting your marriage go?

I can tell you that during my own separation, I felt as if I were rejected over and over again by my husband. But I hung in there because I just couldn’t fathom the thought of walking away for good. I figured as long as I hadn’t completely given up, there might always still be a chance. And it turned out, there was because my husband and I eventually reconciled, although it didn’t happen as quickly as I had hoped.

Know That Things Can And Do Change: I’d like to make another point which I believe is vitally important. Just because he isn’t ready to come out right now, this doesn’t mean that he will never be ready to come home. He may have said no because he just doesn’t feel ready quite yet. He may still be waiting for some of your issues to be resolved. Or, he may be enjoying the new relationship between you and he wants to build on this a little more before he comes home. He may not want to rush things because he wants to make sure that when he comes home, then he is home for good.

Set The Tone To Move Forward In The Future: I’d suggest that the best strategy is to have a direct conversation about this and then pick up at the good place where you left off. You might say something like: “I admit that I was a little hurt that you didn’t want to come home, but I do understand. Things are good between us right now and I’m enjoying what is happening. So there is really no pressure and no hurry. Why don’t we just continue on in the way that we have been and go from there?”

It’s my experience and belief that the last thing that you want to do is to demand to know why he doesn’t want to come home or to get angry at him or accuse him of being selfish or irrational. Doing this will risk the progress that you have already made. You also don’t want to just retreat and declare your marriage over or to think that you have only wasted your time. There is no question that have made real progress. You don’t have to give up this progress just because you have hit a delay or a roadblock.

Instead, you want to stay the course so that eventually you can simply walk around that roadblock with your spouse’s blessing and help. So to answer the original concern posed, I know that it hurts right now. But him not wanting to come home doesn’t mean that you will never want to reconcile. Be patient and know that you have made real progress on which you can build a new foundation.

I do know how you feel.  But you never know when an improvement or reconciliation is right around the corner.  If I had given up every time my husband didn’t want to come home, I’d probably be divorced now instead of being reconciled. If it helps, you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who have begun to do a lot of self-work either in an attempt to save their marriage or as an attempt to improve themselves. Sometimes, they go into this process thinking that much of the problems in their marriage lie with their spouse. But as they really begin to dig deep and take an honest look at the situation, they realize that they themselves have played a huge role in what is wrong. And some even begin to see their flaws on magnified level – so much so that they begin to see themselves as a completely different (and less likable) person.

As an example, I heard from someone who said: “for the past six months, my husband has been telling me that he loves me and that he is committed to our family, but that he is so unhappy because he feels like I bring him down with my anxiety and my gloomy outlook. He says that I never have anything nice to say or that I never notice the positive in any situation. He says that living with me is so terribly exhausting. When he first started telling me these things, I thought that he was just being a whiny complainer. I have to be honest and say that I wasn’t even really listening to him. But since I’ve started going to counseling, I’ve had a lot of realizations. And sometimes, I will come home from my sessions and ask one of my kids if living with me was as bad as my husband says. My kids will seem afraid to answer me, but when I tell them that I really want to know the truth, they’ll break down and tell me that at times, I was downright mean because of my negativity. I’m starting to see things a lot more clearly now. And, I’m devastated to realize that I have been so negative towards my family for all of these years. I truly do want to save my marriage. But I am so embarrassed by my actions. And I don’t know how my husband or my children can ever forgive me for being so mean.”

This wife was being very hard on herself. While it is extremely beneficial to see reality as it relates to yourself, it’s not beneficial to suddenly see yourself as a villain who will never be able to make amends with the people who you truly love. Sure, you may be seeing some patterns of your own negative behavior. But you know what? That is actually a positive thing when you allow these realizations to inspire you to make some positive changes that needed to happen.

Use Your Realization As A Starting Point: You can’t change the past. You can acknowledge the past and let your family know that you now see reality and that you sincerely apologize to them and want to make this right. They may even offer up their forgiveness quite willingly. But, what truly matters in this entire process is that you make sure that something positive comes out of the negative. If you ask for their forgiveness, but you keep being negative and mean, this was all a waste of everyone’s time.

But if you use this as a wake-up call and take real action to become the loving person and the wife and mother that you were meant to be, that at least something negative transformed into something positive. Look at it this way. At the time when you were acting negatively, you weren’t truly aware. Now that you are aware, turning away would be just as bad as acting negatively. You’re probably so horrified by this because you know that you’ve hurt your family. So it’s time to stop hurting them and to ensure that they heal.

You can do that by continuing on with your self-work and ensuring that you become the best version of yourself. That way, you are at least ensuring that they have the mother and the wife that they deserve moving forward. I suspect that once they see that you have made this substantial effort, they will forgive you.

Now That You Know Better You Will Do Better: I don’t mean to minimize negativity because I know that it can destroy families. But you have to focus on the fact that you are making the effort now. You can’t change what has been done yesterday, but you have complete influence over what you do today and tomorrow. In order to do this, you may need to learn new ways of expressing yourself, of evaluating a situation without anxiety and fear, and of showing your emotions. But, none of these things are impossible. If you are determined to learn new and better ways, then you can.

You might want to be honest with your family about this with a discussion like: “as you know, I’ve been working with a counselor on my own. During that time, I’ve gotten an honest view of myself and it isn’t at all flattering. Honestly, I’m ashamed of some of my actions. I am so sorry for the way that I treated you in the past. I know that I can’t change that. But I’d like to change the wife and mother that I am to you moving forward. I want you to know that I am motivated to make some real and lasting changes. I hope that these changes will have a positive effect on our married life and our family life. I want you to know that my actions were not because of anything that you did. My actions were not because I didn’t love you or that you weren’t enough. They were my own shortcomings. And I’m going to address them. I love you and you deserve the best that I can be and that’s exactly what I intend to give you.”

To answer the original question, your spouse and your family will likely forgive you because they love you and because for every bad thing you did, you likely also did some good that you are not giving yourself credit for. You’d likely do the same if the roles were reversed.

I had to do some self-work in order to save my marriage.  And I too found that I sometimes had deplorable behavior.  But if I found that the more I dwelled on the past, the worse things got.  So I looked to the future. If it helps, you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are almost feeling blackmailed within their own marriage. That’s because their spouse has made it very clear that he intends to leave them if they don’t act in the way that wants. Often, there is a conflict that keeps coming up over and over again. But, other than working through the issue, one spouse decides to attempt to bully the other and makes it clear that if the conflict isn’t solved through one spouse “giving in” or doing what the other spouse wants, then the dissatisfied spouse is just going to solve the conflict by walking out on their marriage.

To demonstrate this, I might hear a comment like: “my husband wants several things from me because he isn’t happy in our marriage. He wants me to lose weight. He wants for me to be more attentive to him. He wants for me to do more around the house because he thinks that I am too lazy. He has been harping on these things for months. But apparently, I haven’t been moving at the speed that he had hoped because yesterday he told me that he’s still very unhappy and that he is going to have no choice but to leave me unless I accomplish these tasks that he has laid out. He says that I look like I have gained weight rather than lost any. He says that the house has never looked worse. It makes me feel just awful when he says these things. It makes me feel like I am lazy and unmotivated. And honestly, when he is this mean to me, I feel like it is less likely that I am going to comply with his requests although I know that I must. I don’t want to feel so angry at my husband. I feel like he is blackmailing me. What can I do? Other than just do what he wants?”

It Can Help To Understand This Thinking: I have to agree with the wife in this case. This is almost the equivalent of emotional blackmail. It’s not a nice way to treat your spouse and it’s not a nice tactic to take. With that said, I hear from a lot of husbands in this sort of scenario on my blog and they will likely tell you that they stooped to this level because nothing else has worked. Often in their mind, they have asked their spouse nicely to make these changes and she took no action whatsoever. So his thinking is that he has to do something drastic in order to get her attention. He thinks that he has to make a veiled threat in order to get the changes that he wants because otherwise, his marriage is going to remain the same and he is going to remain unhappy. So although his methods are questionable and a bit cruel, in his own mind, he is simply trying to get results.

It’s optimal if you can show him or allow him to see that by making these threats, he is actually making it less likely to get what he wants. It’s optimal to show him that the better strategy is to treat you with kindness in order to inspire you to want to change. But first, you may went to take some inventory.

Look At Which Requests Are Valid: Before you approach your husband about this, it can help to take an honest inventory. Ask yourself which of his requests are fair and actually valid. In this scenario, the wife admitted that she could stand to lose some weight and she admitted that the house could use some improvement. But she resented being asked to be more attentive to her husband when he himself was not all that attentive to her. So, she didn’t have a problem with two of the requests, but she resented how the requests were being presented to her.

The Next Step: I felt that the next step was to have a direct conversation about this. The next time the husband brought this up, she might say something like: “I’m well aware that you feel this way because you have brought it up multiple times. I have thought a lot about this. I don’t think that a few of your requests are unreasonable. I admit that I need to lose some weight and keep the house a little neater. But, I don’t need for you to threaten me in the way that you are. It hurts my feelings and it makes me not want to do anything because of the way that you have presented it to me. It makes me feel belittled and bullied. I know that isn’t your intention. I know that you don’t want to hurt me. I know that you just want to see some changes in our marriage. But how would you like it if I told you that I was going to abandon you if you didn’t do something arbitrary like bring home more money for the household? How would that make you feel? I wouldn’t do that to you. So I’m asking you to change the way you approach this. I think that I would be more motivated if you would ask me nicely and would treat me with dignity and respect. I’d love for you to go to the gym with me. I think that would motivate me much more. But no matter how we accomplish this, I’m asking you to not make threats but instead to make requests and then to support me. Are you willing to do this?”

Hopefully, this conversation will be all that is needed. If he continues on, you will likely have to keep drawing his attention to this and asking him to do better. When he does do better, then that is when you want to start doing what he’s asked of you. In this way, you are literally showing him that he is going to get the results that he wants when he makes the request in a pleasant way.

My husband wanted many changes from me before he would come home from a trial separation. I resented this and it only made our situation worse.  But I chose to approach it from another angle and this helped greatly.  If it helps your situation, you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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