Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are feeling very vulnerable and unsure after their spouse has left their home. This is a difficult situation to begin with. But, it can be even more difficult when it appears that your spouse is happier for having left you. This can make you question if he will ever come back, or if you even want him to, since his life appears to have received a temporary upgrade without you in it.

To demonstrate, I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband has been telling me that our marriage makes him unhappy for months. He says that I am always bringing him down with my attitude and with my nagging. I have tried to improve, but it is hard for me to act like someone who I am not. So I wasn’t surprised to come home from work and find that he had left. At least he left a note telling me that he was sorry, but that living with me was making him feel less happy than he should be. I didn’t call him at first. I knew that there wasn’t a whole lot to say. And I figured it was too early to start to change his mind. I decided that the best course of action would be to give it a week or so and then check in. And this is exactly what I did. But when I called him and asked him how he was doing, he told me that he felt free. He said that it was as if a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders and that he no longer feels as if he is walking on egg shells around me. He said he can’t imagine ever going back to living with the anxiety that I bring. This hurt very much. I know that I can be a little overbearing and he’s told me that living me with me brings on anxiety in him. But, I had no idea that he would seem so euphoric to be away from me. Does this mean that my marriage is over? I can’t imagine him ever wanting to come back now.”

Know That His Euphoria Might Be Temporary: I think that it is way too early to throw in the towel. Sure, he may be feeling some relief right now. But, this isn’t at all uncommon. That doesn’t mean that he is going to always feel this way. Actually, sometimes, this euphoria eventually turns to loneliness once the novelty wears off. I can’t promise you that this is what will happen in this case, but I think that it is possible. With that said, you can help this process along.  You can attempt to make some positive changes.  They may or may not make a difference where your marriage is concerned.  But only positive things can come from taking inventory and making necessary changes.

Determining What He Finds So Objectionable And Then Deciding What You Want To Change: Frankly, this husband had always given his wife plenty of clues as to why he was so unhappy. For whatever reason, his wife sometimes made him feel anxious and depressed. The husband wasn’t the only person that the wife had heard this from. Other people in her life had said similar things. So, as hurtful as it might be initially, it was important for the wife to take an honest look at her behavior to see what needed to change. This might be a little painful, but the potential outcome justifies the discomfort.

There are often positives and negatives to most behaviors. On the one hand, seeing problems before they arise can be an advantage. It means that you are rarely caught unaware. However, when you take it so far that it’s keeping you from being close to others because you are often anxious and expecting the worst, then it becomes a disadvantage. You don’t want for the people who you love to feel tension just from being around you. So, it’s time to be honest and ask yourself where you can tone it down. The idea is not to change yourself. This rarely works. If you have to pretend with your spouse or can’t be your authentic self, then this isn’t ideal either. Instead, you want to strike a balance. You want to be true to yourself while being pleasant to be around – for both yourself and for others.

Allowing Your Spouse To See Authentic Glimpses Of The New You: So, once you’ve taken an honest inventory and made genuine and appropriate changes, how do you let your spouse know? Frankly, many people will just want to make a grand announcement. They’ll want to proudly proclaim how much they have changed in order to assure their spouse that it is time to come home. This is rarely as effective as you might have hoped. Your spouse knows that you are going to claim a transformation simply because you’re want him to come home. So he is naturally going to doubt your claims.

This isn’t what you want. Instead, you want to show him change with your behaviors rather than tell him with your claims. This is so much more effective and it comes off as much more authentic. It’s very important that he actually believes your claims so that he eventually feels that it is appropriate to come home.

I have to tell you that none of this happens overnight. It is usually a gradual process. You have to have some patience in order for those feelings of freedom to pass. And you need to let him naturally begin to see you in a new light as you begin gradually interacting and showing new aspects of yourself. However, although this is gradual, it is very effective.

I know that it hurts to hear him say that he feels free. But it doesn’t need to be permanent. Have patience, take inventory, and try to present yourself as someone who wants him to be happy rather than someone who resents his freedom.

My husband was honestly relieved once he left.  He felt that I wasn’t listening to him and that living with me was making him unhappy.  It took a long time before I was ready to take an honest look at what was wrong.  But that made all the difference.  You’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who had such high hopes for their reconciliation. It is usually something that they have been waiting on (and hoping about) for quite some time. So when this doesn’t go as seamlessly as they had hoped (and there are significant challenges along the way,) this can be quite disappointing.

I might hear a comment on my blog like: “I have been trying to get my husband to reconcile with me for the whole seven months that we were separated. At first, my husband resisted my attempts to reach out to him. He wanted lots of time alone and lots of space. I tried to respect this, but it was very difficult for me because I missed him so much. Over time, he became more receptive to me until eventually we were seeing each other regularly. The reason that we separated in the first place was that when we have differences of opinion, we fight. We can’t seem to just discuss our issues like normal couples. We will take it to the extremes and the next thing that you know, we’re both yelling and getting all upset. Then one argument will turn into a string of arguments so that before you know it, we are barely speaking. It got to a point where neither of us wanted this type of drama in our lives anymore. We always felt like we were walking on eggshells around each other. Now I’m starting to wonder if things got better only because we weren’t living together. Because after weeks of begging him, my husband finally agreed to come home for an attempted reconciliation. For the first couple of weeks, things went great. But after that, the old issues came up again. And we reacted in the same old way. Fights ensued. My husband became furious and said that he’s going to leave again and never come back. What can you do when the same old conflicts always resurface? Does this mean that we are just not meant to be married and should hang it up?”

Problems That Were Never Addressed Will Come Back: I will admit right from the start that I never encourage people to “just hang it up,” especially where their marriage is concerned. Because of my own experiences and because of the transformations that I hear about, I believe that most marriages can be fixed. And I believe that once this happens, it is more than worth the effort. However, I also know that good intentions and just wanting to reconcile are often not enough. When the couple have been apart for so long, it can seem as if the problem is gone since they aren’t experiencing it on a regular basis anymore. But, if you’ve done nothing to address and then fix it, how can you really expect it to just go away?

There Might Be A Honeymoon Period Before The Old Conflicts Rear Their Ugly Heads: What generally happens is that as soon as the same stressor or the same set of circumstances is present, then the same old argument and conflict will ensue. This doesn’t always happen right away because the couple can be in a “honeymoon period” when they attempt to reconcile. There can be so much relief at finally getting back together that their inclination is to ignore what is wrong, hope for the best, and pretend that everything fine. Usually though, this can only last for so long. No one wants to live this way forever. Eventually, your true feelings and your old habits are going to come forth.

Does this mean that you don’t love each other or that your marriage will never work. I certainly don’t think that this is what it means. But I do think that it possibly suggests that you need some outside help in order to navigate your reconciliation so that it actually sticks and so that you are once again happy. This outside help can take the form of counseling or you can use self help (and a lot of determination) in order to learn new skills and better conflict resolution.

Many times, couples will tell themselves that they will just try to avoid or even eliminate the conflict. In other words, if they always fight about their in laws, then they will try to not bring them up or they will try to not see them as much so that there is no need to fight. Unfortunately, this just isn’t realistic. If it’s not the in laws, it’s going to be something else. And, until you learn conflict resolution and how to relate to one another when the arguments surface, things will continue to deteriorate every time you have conflict. And all couples have conflict. Even wonderful marriages have conflict. This is just a fact of life. The difference between couples who are able to sail through this and couples who are not is the way that they approach it.

And these skills can be learned. It does take time, repetition, and practice but I am living proof that you can learn another way and you can keep using it until your marriage (and your reconciliation) is transformed. If you’d like to learn about how I navigated this process, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who have used the threat of a divorce in an attempt to get some sort of reaction out of their spouse. They may well be actually considering a divorce. But they are also very interested in gaging their spouse’s response. And, deep down inside, they my be hoping that their spouse will try to talk them out of it, promise to change, or ask them if they might work together to save the marriage.  So when their spouse doesn’t seem to have much of a reaction at all, it can be very disappointing.

To that end, I might hear a comment like: “my marriage has been falling apart by degrees for about a year and a half. It all started when my husband caught me corresponding with an old boyfriend. It wasn’t cheating, but it was inappropriate. And, my husband had every right to be angry with me. Unfortunately, since this incident, he has been unbelievably suspicious of everything that I do. If he so much as catches me spending a tiny bit more than I’ve told him, he will just consider this as further evidence of the fact that I am someone who can’t be trusted. So, he distances himself from me and then I feel angry and defensive. Needless to say, things continue to deteriorate. We have tried numerous things in order to get our marriage back on track. But nothing seems to be help. That resentment and distrust is always there. Last weekend, we were talking about this over dinner and I said that perhaps our marriage is never going to get back on track. I thought that my husband might just encourage me to have more patience, but he didn’t. He shook his head as though he agreed with me. So I decided to take it a step further and I told them that I wanted a divorce. I’m not exactly sure why these words came out of my mouth. I suppose I wanted a reaction out of him. I guess that I wanted him to say something like: ‘oh don’t be silly. You don’t have to take it that far. We can work it out.’ I guess I was looking for reassurance. But he gave me none. He literally shrugged his shoulders and acted as if he didn’t care. And he hasn’t said a thing about it since. In truth, I haven’t been to any attorneys and I haven’t researched a divorce. But I don’t know what to do now. I feel like I backed myself into a corner. And part of me feels like if he cares this little, maybe we should end up divorced anyway.”

I can imagine how upsetting this must be. I used to play these types of “checking in” games with my own husband and, a lot of the time, they backed fired on me in the same way. I believe that there is a reason for this and that is that we’re not being completely honest with our husbands when we are putting these types of feelers out. What we really mean is something like: “this is a scary time for our marriage and we really don’t seem to be making much progress and that scares me. It makes me feel desperate and it makes me want to say dramatic things in order to get your attention. It makes me start to wonder if it’s time to just cut our losses, even though that is the last things that I want.” But this isn’t what we say.

Instead of having this type of honest conversation, we try to take a short cut. Words of divorce leave our lips. The intention is that he will be shocked by what we are saying and he will give us the reassurance that we are so desperately craving. When this doesn’t happen, it leaves us with a dilemma. Now, we must decide if we’re really going to pursue the divorce because of his indifference or if we are going to drop the pretenses and be honest.

In my own life, I had to be honest. Because, at the end of the day, I still wanted my marriage. Now, some wives in this situation will insist that they might really want a divorce. Many of them may have convinced themselves that this is true. But, honestly, this always confuses me. If they truly want a divorce, then why do they care that their husband isn’t having the desired reaction? What should it matter to them if their spouse doesn’t seem to care? I suspect that the reason is that they still care about him and their marriage, and therefore, have some doubts about whether they really want a divorce.

My suggestion here would be to get quiet, to try to distance yourself from the emotion and the disappointment, and to ask yourself what you really want now. If it’s possible that you still want your marriage, then perhaps you back off of the divorce issue and you concentrate on what the core issue is – the fact that you haven’t yet fully addressed and worked through the original distrust. And until and unless you have given that everything you have, then perhaps it’s a bit premature to start talking about wanting a divorce.

I’m not trying to be harsh. I am trying to put this in perspective for you. And, just because you aren’t seeing a physical response from your husband, this doesn’t mean that he’s not having a response that he isn’t allowing you to see. He may be struggling with this also.

I know that any talk of divorce hurts terribly.  I was in this place.  And thankfully, we never got that far, although we did separate.  Coming back from the separation wasn’t always an easy process, but we did it – in part because of my determination.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who say that they no longer feel any real intimacy in their marriage. They often describe it as going through the motions or feeling as if they are putting on an act. They feel as if their marriage might look one way from the outside but be devoid of any real love and emotion on the inside. When this happens, one or both spouses can feel as if they are living a fake life or participating in a fake marriage.

To voice this, I might hear a comment like: “I have come to feel like my marriage is fake. My husband and I are very cordial to one another. I am sure that our children feel loved and secure. And all of our friends think that we have a wonderful marriage. We never fight and we have the same beliefs and values. My husband is a good man and I do love him. But there is no real emotion between us. We act very different toward each other when it is just the two of us than we are around other people. If we were to go to a restaurant alone and without our children, then we don’t have too much to talk about. I have tried to ignore this for a long time. But I can not do it anymore. I feel so lonely within my own home and within my own marriage and I find that incredibly sad. The more I think about this, the more I wonder if I should cut my losses and move on. I am starting to think that my husband and I just don’t have much in common anymore. I want a relationship where I can be passionate and crazy in love and can laugh out loud. I am not sure that this is going to be possible with this man and this marriage. Is it selfish of me to want more? And if it’s not, is it time to move on?”

I have to be honest and say right from the beginning that my inclination is always going to be to try first to save your marriage before you walk away. And, I didn’t get a sense of any of that in the scenario above. The wife conceded that her husband was a good man with whom she felt love. Admittedly, that love had dimmed. But I know first hand that love that has faded can come back full force if you direct the right type of attention onto it. I am not going to tell you that this is easy, but in my opinion and experience, it is worth it. If you already have children with this person and have built a life, isn’t it worth it to at least try to salvage this before you walk away? I think it’s at least worth it to explore some ways that you might attempt to improve things before you consider walking away.

Vulnerability Is The Key To Intimacy. When Vulnerability Leaves A Marriage, So Does The Closeness: I will admit that I’m not a therapist or even a marriage specialist. But there is a reoccurring theme that I hear on my blog when people talk about lacking emotion in their marriages or feeling as if their marriage isn’t genuine or is fake. And that is that one or both of the spouses have distanced themselves from the other. Maybe one of the spouses has disappointed the other and so they back away just a bit. Maybe their spouse isn’t as available as they would like and so, once again, they step back. If you do this enough over time, you will no longer be nearly as open and vulnerable with your spouse. You no longer talk openly without hesitation. You lose your vulnerability because you don’t want to feel hurt or rejected.

And, at the time, this can feel like the right thing to do because you are diminishing the risk of being hurt or disappointed. But, you are also diminishing the reward of being intimate. In order to reverse this process, one thing you will eventually need to do is to have the courage to be vulnerable again. This might mean being the first person to take the initiative or to bring up and address the disconnect that you are seeing and feeling.

I bring this up because it can be difficult to get the intimacy back unless and until you are willing to be vulnerable and open again. I know that this thought may not be appealing right now, but I wouldn’t bring it up if it were not vital. And, if you are going to put in the effort, then you want to be successful.

Staying Put When Walking Away Seems Easier: I think by now, it’s probably pretty obvious that I don’t think you should leave a good spouse unless you’ve explored various options to save your marriage first. If you love your spouse but only feel like you’re putting on a show or staring in a fake version of your life, then it might be time to take a long hard look at your habits and behaviors and ask yourself where is the opportunity to create more vulnerability and intimacy. Yes, it may feel scary and awkward. But isn’t it worth the risk in order to have your real marriage back? I believe that this process is not only possible, but it is also worth it. And I know first hand that it is possible to get the passion and excitement back. It can be hard work. But it can also be done. So my answer to the question would be that no, in my opinion it’s not time to move on until you first put in the effort to make your marriage feel genuine again.

My husband and I were separated for a time.  As a result, there was definitely a distance and disconnect.   Recreating the intimacy was a huge effort.  But it was worth it. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who have been dissatisfied with habits of their husband and issues in their marriage. They may have even tried to change things but were met with a great deal of resistance. After a while, when nothing changes, it can be tempting for the wife to begin to believe that nothing is ever going to change no matter what she says or does. And, she begins to think, if she wants to stay married and not always feel conflict and unhappiness, then perhaps she should learn to live with it and to stop caring so much.

To that end, I might get a comment on my blog like: “over time, my husband has changed and his behavior toward me is not nearly as considerate as it used to be. Sometimes, he is downright inconsiderate. He is a slob at home and expects me to clean up after him while he makes no attempt to help out. He seems to care more about his friends than he cares about me. He forgets birthdays and anniversaries. He’s not a good listener. Occasionally, he will surprise me and do something sweet, but these instances are few and far between. I have tried various things in order to get him to change, but nothing works. In an attempt to deal with this, I’ve started reading self help books. And one common theme of them is that if you can’t change your circumstances, then change your attitude. So if you don’t like your job but can’t change it, then find small things that you like about it and focus on those things. I understand this intellectually, but when I try to apply this to my own marriage, it doesn’t seem to work. I feel resentful that I am the only one who is changing my attitude. And, it might be my imagination, but it seems like my husband takes advantage of me when I try to have a more positive attitude. I don’t want to end my marriage. I would never do that. But I want for things to change. I don’t want to be this unhappy in my life. How can I get to the point where I can become numb to the things that my husband does and not care about them nearly as much?”

This Can Work When The Problems Are Small And Rare: I completely understand this wife’s line of thinking. No matter how much work and time we invest into our marriages, there is always going to be something that our spouse does that drives us a little crazy. That doesn’t mean that our spouse is a bad person or that we are not compatible. This is just to be expected when two people are together as much as married people are together. So, even in the best marriages, there are always going to be issues that can be better navigated by changing your outlook, seeing things in the proper perspective, and then putting a positive spin on them. This can a very effective, and non confrontational, way to deal with this.

This Is Not As Effective For Big Or Numerous Problems, But That Doesn’t Mean You Should Give Up: I find that this type of shift of attitude is best used (and most effective) when you are talking about small issues that don’t happen day after day after day. And the reason is that if other areas of your marriage are pretty good, then obviously you are going to have more patience for the things that are not. But, when you are talking about big issues or you are having to do this on a daily or even hourly basis, then success with this strategy is much more difficult to achieve because it can feel overwhelming. That’s why it can help to be honest and to take inventory. It can help to ask yourself what issues are small ones that you can easily shift your attitude towards and which ones really do need to change. Once this is done, you can set about eliminating the ones that are causing the most problems. I know that this wife said that she had tried anything, but I’m not sure that this included counseling. Sometimes, a third party can be very helpful because your spouse is more apt to listen to them than to listen to you.

Another tactic that many people don’t try is using positive reinforcement rather than negative reinforcement. Often, people will keep talking and keep pointing out where their spouse is falling short. You can talk and debate until you’re literally exhausted, but nothing changes. If this is the case, it makes sense to approach it from another way. It might be worth it to try an approach that he’s not expecting. When you catch him doing something right, lap on the praise. And then point out why it makes you happy. For instance, this wife had said that him not helping with cleaning up was driving her crazy. So, when the mood was light and things were good, she might cheerfully ask him to take five minutes to help her clean up. When he did that (even if it was with complaint) then she could make a big deal about what a huge help it was and then give him a hug or kiss. She might even say that when he helped out more, it freed up more time for her to pay attention to him. Then, she might wait for the next opportunity and repeat the process. You will often find that eventually he’s doing the desired behavior without your needing to ask. Because he’s become conditioned to expect positive reinforcement so he doesn’t tune you out.

Now, you will have to tackle one issue at a time. You don’t want to try to change too much too soon. But, you will often find that once you have less issues to stop caring so much about, then the remaining issues don’t seem as overwhelming. The idea is to whittle them down until you one day realize that you are content and that this is manageable. But to answer the question posed, I think that it’s possible to train yourself to not cling so tightly to every problem. But I believe that if there are too many problems or if the problems that exist are very important to you, then the “mind over matter” strategy isn’t as effective. The key is to determine which issues you can live with and which are most troublesome and need to be changed. I commend you for being proactive about this.  That is very important.  When my own marriage was in decline, I just turned a blind eye and hoped for the best.  That was a huge mistake because it almost costs me my marriage.  And saving my marriage did require an adjustment in attitude. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who feel as if their spouse is trying to discourage them during their trial separation. Often, they are trying their very best to remain optimistic and to hold out hope that things are going to eventually work themselves out. But, this can be very difficult to maintain when not only is your spouse not saying anything very encouraging, but their words are actually discouraging.

To put this into words, I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband and I have been separated for about three months. He only agreed to a separation instead of a divorce because I begged him to do so. If my husband had his way, we would be divorced by now. He doesn’t seem to hold out much hope for our marriage. There have been a couple of occasions when we have actually gotten along wonderfully during our separation and we have ended up laughing or talking all night, but these episodes are few and far between. And, when they do happen, my husband seems to back away. Last weekend, we actually went out to dinner and we were having a lovely time. I said something sentimental and to the effect of ‘maybe one day we will have these types of outings more frequently’ and my husband said ‘don’t wait for me.’ I have a suspicion about what he meant by this, but I still asked him to explain. He said that by no means should I put my life on hold for him or for our marriage. He said that we are clearly separated and I shouldn’t be planning the future or waiting. I know that he means this to discourage me. This is probably his way of telling me that in time, we are probably going to get divorced. But I don’t feel like I’m ready to give up on my marriage yet. Is this so wrong? How do I not wait for him when I’m not yet ready to live without him? And why would I be when we are still married and when I see him all of the time?”

I have a hard time discouraging anyone during their separation. My stubbornness during my own separation was a well known fact by people who loved me. And many of those same people very gently tried to tell me that perhaps it was time to move on or let it go. I would listen and nod. I would try to be respectful and remember that all of this was coming out of love and out of their concern for me. But, at the end of the day, I didn’t give up.

But I did eventually come to realize that there is a difference between waiting and giving up. Honestly, it wasn’t until I started living my life as someone who cared about herself once again that my situation greatly improved. When I say this, I don’t mean that I started dating other people. I want to make that clear. I don’t think that not waiting means that you pick up your romantic life when you are still married and you are still at least somewhat hopeful that things will change in the future.

But, I did start to go out with friends. I did start to pursue some of my interest and passions again. Yes, my marriage and my romantic life were somewhat on hold (by my own choice) but I picked up my professional and social lives. Sitting home and just waiting for something to change became depressing. And this projected itself onto many areas of my life. Friends and family could clearly see it. I am sure that my husband could see it. And I don’t think that it was coincidence that once I stopped putting myself and my life on hold, my husband was no longer as resistant to me. He didn’t need to be resistant anymore because I was no longer hanging on his every word and gesture. Eventually, this meant that he no longer had to avoid me and when we were together, I was which more pleasant (and less desperate) to be around.

Believe me when I say that I’m not trying to discourage you. I am trying to encourage you. Living your life doesn’t mean that you have given up on your marriage. It means that although you know and hope that things are going to change, you’re no longer going to put your life on hold while you are waiting for that change. Instead, you’re choosing to spend time with family, friends, and people who love you. And you embrace life and the things that bring you joy – even if you’re doing that solo for now.

The whole time, you are still clear on the fact that you are married. For me, this was never about dating again. I was always clear that I was still married in my mind and in my heart. My friends knew this and they respected it. The change was that I was no longer sitting at home and waiting for the phone to ring. I was no longer inactive on weekends. I was doing what I liked to do with people that I liked to do it with. And at that time, it was my friends and not my husband. But this shift eventually helped my marriage as well. If it helps, you can read about how I saved my marriage during a separation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who have been given the very devastating and shocking news that their husband is no longer in love with them. Needless to explain, this hurts. And this can leave the wife so sad and shocked that she isn’t sure of her next course of action. Despite this confusion though, many wives are clear on the fact that they still very much love their husbands and they don’t want to give up on their marriage. So, the only question left is what to do next.

I might hear a comment on my blog like: “my marriage has been deteriorating for a while. My husband and I have been under a great deal of stress because of the issues of one of our children. This impacts almost all areas of our lives to the point where sometimes it feels as if we are barely staying afloat. So, I never thought that we had the perfect marriage. But I was always sure that, despite all of the stress, we were still a family who loves each other. Imagine my shock and devastation when my husband announced that he doesn’t love me anymore. I could almost understand it if we were arguing because it might have been something that came at the spur of the moment. But it wasn’t like that. We were just sitting there watching TV quietly and there was a scene on the show about a couple who were being passionate. My husband just said in a deadpan voice: ‘I wish that we were still like that. I don’t even think that I love you anymore.’ I asked him to repeat what he said because I honestly couldn’t believe it. And then he replied with ‘oh c’mon. You had to have seen this coming. We haven’t had true intimacy in this marriage for years. This just isn’t doing it for me anymore. You’re a wonderful person and I will always love that you are the mother of my kids. But as far as being in love with you, that ship has sailed.’ I am devastated. I still love my husband. I want my marriage. What can I do about this? Is there anything at all that I can do?”

Well, I might not be the most objective person to ask. Because I have heard these words before and I didn’t accept them. I am not saying that this is by any means an easy situation, but I think that there are some things that you can try to turn this around. But before I cover this, I want to go over what I think that you shouldn’t do. These are the things that, in my own experience and observation is more likely to make things worse.

What Not To Do When Your Spouse Says He Doesn’t Love You Anymore: The first thing that I would like to stress is that you do not want to panic. I know that this is easier said than done. But panic can lead you to do and say things that are just destructive and wrong. I am not going to tell you that your husband absolutely didn’t mean what he said, because I can’t possibly know that. But I can tell you that people often react to stress by saying or believing things that just are not true – but that feel true at the time.

It’s also common for people to project their disappointments and resentments onto their spouse and onto their marriage simply because this person is so close to them and this marriage is so convenient. Another thing that you want to avoid is telling your spouse that he is selfish or wrong or claiming that you don’t love him either when you know this to be untrue.

Finally, you don’t want to announce that you are going to “prove” to him that he still loves you. Or that you are going to “make” him love you. This is going to put him on the defensive and make him more likely to dig in his heals and to show you that he was right and that, in fact, he does not love you. The last thing that you want to do is to set up that type of dynamic.

What You Do Want To Do When He’s Saying That He Doesn’t Love You Any More: While as I’ve said you don’t want to panic, you do want to very calmly just focus on creating an easy relationship between you. I know that it’s tempting to turn on the charm or try to seduce him in an attempt to make him love you or to make him remember why he loved you in the first place. But frankly, this is often so transparent and it seems a little desperate. The success rate of this strategy is pretty low in my opinion.

Instead, you’ll want to take a more gradual, low pressure approach. You want to back up and make it clear that, since you don’t know what the future holds, you just want to improve the way that you relate to one another. Is the idea for this to eventually show him that he actually does still love you? Absolutely and you bet. But you don’t want to be obvious about it. The reason for this low pressure approach is that you are much less likely to meet with resistance. You aren’t pushing too hard. You are sort of going about this in an underhanded way so that it will feel effortless and natural.

And, by doing it this way, you can easily build on the gains that you are able to make. You’re not trying to prove to him that he still loves you. And you’re not acting in ways where he might avoid you. Instead, you are just taking small steps to restore some sort of relationship, with the full knowledge that somewhere along the line, you’re going to build upon your progress until he realizes that he was mistaken about not loving you anymore.

So often, it is the circumstances that cause him to believe that he doesn’t love you when in fact, it is his situation that he does not love. That’s why I’ve found that it’s important to take a very low stress approach. This helps with some of the pressure that he is under and it paints you in a very positive way so that he is more apt to move toward you instead of away from you.

I am pretty sure that my husband believed that he didn’t love me anymore when we were separated.  But, by restoring our relationship, the love came back. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are willing to try just about anything to save their marriage – even things that they might have considered to be quite drastic measures just a short while ago. Sometimes, this includes considering a separation. And the reason that this comes up is because often times, it becomes clear that you are choosing between a separation or an imminent divorce.

If you were to hear this concern put into words, it would probably sound something like: “my husband and have a marriage that is in real trouble. Things changed for us after my husband had an affair three years ago. We tried numerous things in order to get back on track. But somehow, we never got our marriage back to where it was. Things are always strained between us. For the last six months, we have been doing nothing but fighting non stop. One of us will start yelling and then the doors start slamming. It has gotten to the point where we can’t even have a decent dinner without someone storming away from the table. I know that this is awful for our children. I don’t want for this to continue on this way. I was talking to one of our mutual friends about this and she said she thinks we are at the point where we need to try a separation in order to save our marriage. She says that if we are living in two different places for a while we will calm down, realize that we miss each other, and realize that our marriage is worth fighting for. This all sounds good in theory. But, I’m scared that so much could go wrong. What if we separate and he decides that he is much happier? What if he never comes back? Can you really save your marriage from separating?”

The Advantages And Risks Of Trying To Use A Separation To Save Your Marriage: I did save my marriage during a separation. However, looking back at it now, I believe that we could have potentially saved our marriage without the need for separating, which didn’t always go so well. I didn’t have a choice in this, though. It was my husband who initiated the separation. In hindsight, I believe that a separation can bring about a sense of urgency that can propel you to give saving your marriage your all. All of sudden, when you are alone in your home without your spouse, reality sets in and this can make people more motivated to compromise and to try a little harder.

With this said, there is a price to pay for this sense of urgency. There is a risk. Not all couples reconcile after a separation. Some assume the worst of each other. Some find their already shaky communication breaking down even more. Some marriages suffer from severe distrust during a separation. In short, many things can and do go wrong. If you’re going to separate, I feel that you should be very committed to staying in contact and working together to come closer together rather than drifting further apart.

It’s Not Necessarily The Separation That Saves Your Marriage, It’s The Perspective And The Motivation That The Separation Gives You: I honestly don’t think that there’s something magic in being separated that suddenly makes a spouse wake up and then magically be able to save their marriage when they couldn’t do this while living under the same roof. Rather, I believe that sometimes the separation gives you a perspective that motivates you. It gives you a taste of what life might be like without your spouse. And this nudges you toward being a little more cooperative when it comes to saving your marriage.

With this said, I believe that if you work very hard, you can accomplish this without needing the risk of a separation. A counselor can help you with this. Some very good self help resources can help you with this. And, you can try staying with friends on a very temporary basis or you can take a mini vacation to give you the same affect without the risk of living under separate roofs. Yes, this isn’t easy and it takes effort, but I believe that it may be worth it to try these things before separating.

Do I think my separation saved my marriage? My honest answer is no. In many ways, it almost ended it. What saved my marriage was my change in attitude and the fact that I became extremely motivated to educate myself and to make real changes that would drastically change the landscape of my marriage. It was these changes that made all of the difference and not the separation itself. And I believe that if you can bring this about without needing to bring about a separation, then this is optimal. Of course, this isn’t always possible. Sometimes, drastic measures are needed. But I think it’s always best to try to least risky options first.

If it helps, you can read about how I saved my marriage during a separation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks after they have been given a divorce ultimatum. What I mean by that is that their spouse has told them that if something doesn’t change (and soon,) then the other spouse is going to file for a divorce. This can lead to confusion and sadness. Because sometimes, it’s hard to tell if the request is real and sincere or if the other spouse is only blowing off some steam.

To demonstrate, I might hear a wife who says: “last year, my husband and I had twins. I feel very blessed by this but my husband seems to have non stop complaints. He seems very jealous of the time that I spend with them. I admit that this has been an adjustment for both of us. I always feel like their isn’t any time for anything other than getting the twins’ immediate needs met. I feel like I am doing the best that I can to take care of everyone, but my husband obviously feels like I’m not doing my job well enough. Last night, I finally got them both down for the night. I was exhausted. Of course, as soon as I came to bed, my husband wanted to be intimate. So as soon as we really started to get into it, one of the kids started to wail. My husband urged me to just let him cry to resume what we were doing. But, I couldn’t bring myself to do this. I got up and went to my son and my husband became furious. Once I finally got my son down and came back to bed, my husband informed me that if I didn’t find a way to give him the time he needs, then he’s going to be seeking a divorce. He says that he can’t imagine a lifetime with a spouse who doesn’t have time for him. What should I do? I don’t want a divorce. But, I feel like he’s being a jerk.”

Why It’s Important To Take This Seriously: This is a very common situation. There’s sometimes a very difficult adjustment for a couple once they have children. But this is probably doubly so when you are talking about twins. However, while this is not uncommon, it can be quite a serious threat to a marriage. It can feel unfair and hurtful and as if the husband is only piling on when you have so many other things to deal with. I do understand this, but I have to tell you that you should take this seriously.

Sure once the husband calms down and gets a good night’s sleep, he may drop the issue – until it comes up again. Which it usually does. What is very important to realize is that your husband is verbalizing an issue that is very obviously bothering him so much that he is willing to take the very drastic step of threatening a divorce if this doesn’t change. He likely wouldn’t risk upsetting and hurting you unless this issue was vitally important to him. Therefore, as unfair as it might all feel, it should be vitally important to you.

Striking That Balance: With all of this said, sometimes, what your spouse is asking is unrealistic. There will be times when the children will have to come first, simply because as infants they have immediate needs, while the husband does not. He probably does understand this intellectually. But when he is angry and lashing out, he’s not reacting to his intellectual knowledge, he is acting on frustrated emotions that are now overflowing.

The key then, is to try to establish a routine that works for both of you so that he never gets to the point where he is this angry and frustrated. I know that this can take a lot of juggling when you have small children. And I know that it is hard to think about hiring a sitter or entrusting a family member or friend, even for a few hours, to watch the kids so that you can spend time with your husband. But think about it this way. The greatest gift that you can give your children are loving parents who have a strong marriage. Because it’s relatively common knowledge that people learn how to navigate marriage by watching their own parents’ marriage. So, as hard as it might be to give up those few hours per week, know that you are trading it for a life time of benefits for you and for your children.

I can not stress enough how important it is to make regular time for your spouse and for your marriage. If you can change this one variable, I feel confident that this will help your husband with those demands and those frustrations. Because if he feels that you are at least making an effort to meet both of your needs (even if you fall short sometimes,) then he will no longer need to give you divorce ultimatums. I do realize that it likely feels that you are juggling way to much. And I also realize that both of you are going to have to compromise since no one can get what they want all of the time with young children. But, if he sees that you are making an effort, this may well be good enough. And honestly, things will just naturally improve as your children become older.

Unfortunately for me, I didn’t pay immediate attention when my husband started to make comments that indicated his unhappiness.  It wasn’t until he actually moved out that I began to pay attention.  This made it much harder to save my marriage, although I eventually did. If it helps, you can read about how I turned things around dramatically  on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are trying to take careful inventory of the circumstances surrounding their separation in order to determine the severity of it and the chances for reconciliation. So, the wife is typically looking at things like his attitude, the things he says, and what he behaviors (or lack of them) might say about the future of their marriage. One of the things that they will commonly notice is how much clothing, personal items, or important things that the husband takes with him when he moves out. If he doesn’t take many items with him, the wife can then hope that this means that he plans on returning relatively soon.

To demonstrate, I might hear a comment like: “my husband told me about four months ago that as soon school was out for the summer and the children and I went to my parents’ house for a visit, he intended to move out. He said that he felt we needed to explore a martial separation to see if we could improve our marriage. This frightened me horribly and my first reaction was that my husband was going to divorce me. I immediately asked him if this was the case and he said that he had no immediate plans to get a divorce, but that he wasn’t completely happy in our marriage either. As upset as this made me, I took the children to my parents’ right after school let out. While we were there, I tried to prepare my children that their father wouldn’t be home when we returned. Needless to say, they were beyond upset. However, once we returned home, I was a little encouraged because my husband barely took anything with him. Most of his clothes are still in his closet. And his beloved tennis rackets and golf clubs are still here. My husband plays sports several times a week and he will need these items. I felt good about this and I told my sister the same when we discussed this. My sister cautioned me not to get a false sense of security about this. She said that he may plan to buy things for his new home. Or, she said, who knows if he wasn’t going to swing by next weekend to collect more of this things? My husband is very cheap, so I can’t imagine that he would buy things that he already has, but I suppose that anything is possible. Is my sister right?”

Positive Indications: It was impossible for me to guess at the husband’s intentions, especially since it was so early in the separation.  The wife hadn’t had much of a chance to evaluate his behaviors. Of course, in some situations it can be a good sign when a husband doesn’t take many things with him. It can indicate that he doesn’t think that he will need many items because he intends to come back soon. Or, it can at least mean that he is comfortable coming home to grab things as he needs them. And, at the very least this likely means that you will have somewhat regular access to him, which can be an advantage that many people don’t consider.

Indications That May Not be So Positive: That said, there are other possibilities too that are not so favorable. It’s possible that he was perhaps rushed when he left and has every intention to come back for his things. Sometimes, people don’t intend for the separation to last very long, but then things deteriorate during the separation so that it is necessary to make the move more of a permanent one.

Try To Shape The Progress Of The Separation: You can’t really control how your husband sees his possessions or how much of them he brings with him (or comes back for.) But, what you can try to control is how well the separation goes. No, you can’t control his behaviors and actions. But you can most certainly control your own and this can make a huge bit of difference. If you can make an attempt to be approachable, upbeat, and patient, you will sometimes find that the separation goes a bit more smoothly which can contribute to it ending somewhat sooner.

My suggestion would be to be encouraged by the fact that he didn’t bring many items with him. Keeping a positive attitude is important and, until you get information that indicates that you were wrong, there is no harm in being optimistic. At the same time, you want to control what you can. You want to do whatever you can to make sure that you set it up so that the separation goes well and that your husband misses you and wants to come home. You can’t control every aspect of this, of course. But you can act in such a way that encourages it. Generally speaking, a wife who is upbeat, coping, and approachable is going to have a better chance of this going well than one who is fearful, argumentative, and clingy. I know that this is difficult and challenging. I know that it’s very easy to allow the fear to be your pervasive emotion. But you have a favorable set of circumstances that you are starting with, so there’s no reason not to expect and hope for the best.

Frankly, I would have loved to have discovered that my husband had not taken many items with him when he left.  This wasn’t my reality though.  But, I made the best of it and I controlled what I could.  We did eventually reconcile, but it took a while.  If it helps, you can read about how I turned things around on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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