Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who have a strong hope that one day soon, their separated husband is going to come back to them. Perhaps they have been getting some positive signs from him. Or perhaps that have consciously chosen to have an upbeat attitude and to be optimistic. Whatever the reason, they are sort of waiting for the day that he will come back. But, since they can’t know when this is going to be, it can feel as if they are in limbo – just sort of waiting. And sometimes, you don’t quite know what to do with yourself during this process. You tell yourself that you will keep busy. But in truth all you do is pull out the old photos or stare at the phone. You probably intuitively know that this isn’t the most healthy way to spend your time, but you can’t quite stop.

I might hear a comment like: “my husband left me after our attempts at reconciliation didn’t work. He hasn’t filed for divorce and has told his mother that he doesn’t have any intentions of doing so any time in the near future. His mother told me that she believes that if I am patient, he is going to come back at some point. She says she can’t believe that our marriage would end. I have decided that since I don’t really have much of a choice, I’m going to assume that she is right and that at some point, he will come back. But I am so antsy waiting on this. Honestly, I’m not quite sure what to do with myself. My husband and I did everything together. And I feel bored and restless without him. I feel like I’m just waiting for something, but I don’t know for how long. What am I supposed to do with myself while I’m waiting for him to come back to me?”

You May Have To Force Yourself To Keep Busy, But It Is Worth It: I know that this is hurtful. I went through this also. And, I’m pretty ashamed and embarrassed to admit it, but there was a period when I truly didn’t leave my house very much except for work or school. My friends tried to ask me to go places with them, but I just honestly never felt like it. I loved them for caring about me, but I didn’t feel like being in anyone’s company. I knew that I was a downer to be around. I didn’t want to bring anyone else down with me.

However, this got a bit old. Even in my sad state, I was able to see pretty clearly that my actions weren’t helping me. I knew that I need to get out and keep busy but it was true that I didn’t feel like it. So, I had to force myself. Was this fun? Not at first. It took an awful lot of effort. In fact, I had to ask a couple of my friends to not take no for an answer when I tried to decline their invitations. But the more I forced myself to keep active, the easier this became. And it was helpful on so many levels. First, it made the time go by much faster. It put a smile on my face because I could feel the love from my friends. And also, it showed my husband that I still had self respect and I wasn’t just waiting around for him to come to a decision.

Improve Yourself In A Way That Interests You: You may be able to connect the dots and see a correlation between your separation and a personal issue that you may need to work on. I won’t say that this is always true, but it often is.  Sometimes, it is your spouse’s issues that are the main culprit for your separation. Regardless though, every one has areas in their life that they would like to improve. During my separation, I did do some individual counseling. At first, my intent was to have the counselor to help me cope. But in the end, she ended up helping me identify some personal issues that were holding me back in many areas of my life, including my marriage. This was incredibly helpful on many different levels. I also revisited hobbies that I used to love but never had time for before. I got a dog. I did some volunteer work with that dog. All of these things helped me to become more self aware, more grounded, and more giving. All of these things were worthwhile to me regardless of what happened with my marriage. The fact that these things actually helped my marriage was an added bonus.

Don’t Think Of It As Killing Time. Think Of It As Found Time To Be Spent Investing In Yourself: It’s easy and normal to think that you have to just grit your teeth and endure this time that you are waiting. It’s normal that you can’t wait until it’s over. But you know what that frustration does? It makes the time go by so slowly. It makes every day seem like a chore. And you deserve better than that. Try to see this as an opportunity to invest in yourself and to take care of all those loose ends that you haven’t had time to address before. See it as found time that gives you a unique opportunity to become the best version of yourself. If you do these things, than you’ve actually made this work for you rather than it being something that you just have to endure. And this means that when he does come back, this will be helpful to your marriage as well.

I hope that this wasn’t discouraging because I know how it feels to be waiting while you are also antsy and bored.  But I promise that if you put yourself out there, the waiting will get better and not seem to drag on.   If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about my own story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are very confused because their husband has left their home and is now apparently pursuing a marital separation. Sometimes, the wife had a little warning about this beforehand. And sometimes, she didn’t. But regardless of the circumstances, it is always shocking and upsetting when you come home to find him gone. Many of these wives don’t really understand what they have done wrong, or at least they don’t see any justification for his taking the very drastic measure of leaving his family.

A wife might say: ” Honestly, this may sound naive, but I didn’t see this coming. I knew that my husband wasn’t completely happy. And yet, I never expected him to just disappear. I thought that he would stay like the grown man that he is and work this out. That is what it means to be an adult instead of a child. You stay when the going gets tough and you roll up your sleeves and save your family. No matter how angry or disappointed I was, I would never leave him and do this to my family. Within the last two months, three of my friends’ husbands have left them also. I really just don’t understand. What makes a husband leave his wife? Especially when that same wife is a good one? What makes him just walk away?”

I have been asked this question many times. And I’ve never directly and brutally honestly written an article about it until now. And the reason is that I didn’t want to give wives any reason to believe that this was their fault. I didn’t want to make his decision to leave seem legitimate or to appear to have merit when I can’t know the circumstances. I do understand that everyone has their own wishes and desires. And I understand that the need to be happy can be self-preservation. But I’m always disappointed when people leave their spouses instead of trying to work things out. I understand that many people honestly believe that they had very legitimate reasons for leaving. I will go over some of these recurring reasons below in the hopes that it will help you to pinpoint what his thought process might be. Before I begin the list though, I do want to stress that none of this is your fault. You can’t take responsibility for the decision that he made. You can only make a very conscious decision about how you are going to handle it. Below are some of the most common reasons that I see for men leaving their wives.

He Assumes That He Can’t Take It For Another Minute: Some people assume that men sit down and plan out exactly when they are going to leave and make a careful contingency plan. I suppose that some men do plot it out this way. But I find it more common for men to be very aware that they are considering leaving, without focusing on the logistics of the same. Then, there is some sort of stimulus – a big fight, a bad day, or the situation sort of boiling over that contributes to him suddenly taking action because he thinks that he cannot live like this for one more day. Now granted, he sometimes acts and thinks very dramatically in order to justify leaving in his own mind. Or, he may be overreacting. But this is his thought process nonetheless. He thinks that living in the situation is detrimental to him, which leads me to my next point.

He Believes That The Situation Is Keeping Him From Being Truly Happy: So many people who aren’t happy or who don’t feel fulfilled blame their spouses for these frustrations. Rather than taking inventory and becoming motivated to change things from the inside out, they begin to think that it is the marriage that is holding them back from being truly happy or from being who they were truly meant to be. You can see why I’m hesitant to bring this up. No one likes this type of view about their marriage. But keep in mind that I never said that his thinking was accurate.

Frankly, many of these spouses can end up realizing that they are just as unhappy after separating from their spouse. Leaving your spouse doesn’t fix what is lacking in your life and within yourself. And many don’t realize this until they have taken the drastic measure of actually leaving.

He Believes That, Unless He Leaves, Things Will Always Remain The Same: If there is one universal belief among spouses who leave, it’s that things aren’t going to change enough to make him happy if he stays. He often believes that no matter what the two of you do, or say, or attempt, real change just isn’t possible. Now, you and I both know that with work and determination, anything is possible. This reasoning just doesn’t always sit well with me because I know that marriages and circumstances can change for the better because of my own life. I have seen marriages turn around dramatically – even when only one spouse was doing the work. So I don’t buy this at all. But, this is generally what he is thinking.

I didn’t write this article to discourage you. I wrote it to show you what you might be up against. None of these things are insurmountable. And sometimes, his flawed thinking does become obvious to him in time. I believe that the best thing that you can do is to handle yourself with patience and integrity while trying to be very upbeat. Because quite frankly, you don’t want to give him any reason to continue to think that you (or your marriage) are contributing factors to his unhappiness.

This is not to say that you want to pretend that you’re feeling something that you aren’t. But, as best as you can, you want to try to be positive in your approach. And you don’t want to take it too personally. I know that this feels very personal and that it seems as if it has everything to do with you. But if you hang in there, you will often find that his thought process begins to shift. And if you’ve remained upbeat and positioned yourself correctly, then this is when you can make the most progress.

I hope that this wasn’t discouraging because I know how it feels to be frustrated and unsure.  But marriages can and do turn around.  Mine did even when things were dire.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who have just heard a very painful confession from their husband. Sometimes, he admits that he’s not happy and is considering a separation. Other times, he admits that he isn’t sure if he is still in love with his wife. And finally, sometimes, for whatever reason, he will tell her that he never wanted to marry her in the first place.

In this situation, you might hear a comment like: “for the last seven months or so, my husband I have been fighting non stop. His personality has changed. Once he hit fifty, he started to question everything. My husband has always been a dependable and responsible guy, but now his motto is ‘what about me?’ Now he feels that he has worked hard and cared for everyone else, so now it is his turn to enjoy life and to do whatever he wants. My husband now sees his responsibilities as optional. If he doesn’t want to do something these days, he simply won’t. The other day, he was talking about the obligation of going to a family reunion in another state. To be honest, no one in my family enjoys going. We have to burn our vacation days and we only see these cousins and other extended family members once a year. My husband announced that we aren’t going to the reunion this year. He said that ‘life was too short to do things that you don’t want to do.’ And then he simply whispered ‘I never wanted to get married in the first place either.’ I was incredibly hurt by this. I was pregnant when we got married but I lost the baby later. We went on to have two beautiful children and to hear him speak of this as an obligation like a family reunion really breaks my heart and makes me think that my husband is really lost. I am starting to realize that my marriage is in serious jeopardy. What can I do about this?”

Putting Mid Life Changes In Perspective: I know that this is a difficult blow, but I’d like to help with some perspective. This is actually very common at about middle age. People are quick to label it mid life crisis and assume that you should just wait it out, but I think that this is a very risky strategy. The truth is, when both men and women are going through this (because women go through it too) they will sometimes discard the things that they feel are no longer working for them. So you have to be careful that he doesn’t eventually put your marriage into this category.

Now, it is possible that he will eventually come to his senses and be able to see things a little more clearly and to determine that he is overreacting. But I wouldn’t want to just sit back, do nothing, and count on that. Instead, I’d suggest taking inventory of your marriage and try to determine if there are any improvements that might be made. And I’m not talking about improvements only meant for him. I’m not talking about making changes only to satisfy him. I’m talking about potentially making improvements that are going to make you both happier.

This Can Be Understandable And Even Normal When It’s Used With Restraint: Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with realizing that you only have a certain chunk of your life left and wanting to make the most of that life. I actually agree with that thinking. We are given these days to enjoy them and to experience them with pleasure instead of obligation. However, some people can take this too far. And there is always the risk of discarding the people or things that are the most important to you because you’re seeing your entire life as one big obligation or you aren’t being realistic.

In truth, it’s impossible to erase every inconvenience or obligation from your life, even in middle age. All relationships take work. And it’s easy to think that you will start over again without realizing that any relationship is going to require a great deal of effort. I believe that it’s a mistake to group your spouse in with things like family reunions and home maintenance.

Focus On The Now: As for him saying he never wanted to get married, he might have said this in haste and he may even think that he means it, but the truth is, you’re married now. That is the reality. So no matter how the marriage came to be, it’s here now and it should be dealt with now. I doubt very much that this husband truly means that his children and the life that you have had as a family wasn’t worth it. He is likely caught up in trying to minimize his obligations and the family has been lumped into one broad category.

So how do you try to remove yourself and your marriage from that category? Well you might want to fashion a response followed by some action that attempts to address this. You might consider something like: “that hurts to hear you say that. I know that we married because of the pregnancy, but I’ve never felt that it was something that was forced upon me and I’ve never regretted one second that I’ve spent with our family. I think that fate ensured that things turned out beautifully. Sure, there are times when things aren’t perfect and there are times when this feels like more work and less play, but we are at a point in our lives when there is no reason that we both can’t play more. We’ve worked very hard for the opportunity to experience this together. The pay off is here. To me, it would be a real shame to jeopardize the life that we have built together. I’m perfectly willing to look at our marriage and see what might make us both happier. Will you do that with me?”

I know that this is easier said than done, but try not to take anything that he says right now too personally. People often regain perspective again as they begin to see that they aren’t going to have the perfect life no matter how dramatically they try to change things. Sometimes we can make the process worse when we overreact to it.

I know that I am asking a lot.  I know that there is a fine line between not overreacting and taking this seriously enough.  I think that the best course of actions is to speak honestly and to try to look at your marriage objectively to see if any improvements are in order.  I didn’t take my own husband’ s dissatisfaction seriously enough and it lead to our separation.  You’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are very sorry and sad to be separated from their husbands. They are not the ones who were unhappy in their marriages. And a separation is often the last thing that they want. Still, since they have been unable to change their husband’s mind, they are stuck trying to make the best of a confusing and painful situation.

But since most women are nurturers, most feel at least somewhat responsible for their husband’s pain and feelings during the separation, and this is true even if the husband was the one who initiated the separation itself. It’s very typical for their wives to worry about the husband’s well being – even over their own.

To reflect this, I might get a blog comment like: “I am convinced that one of the big reasons for our separation is the fact that my husband has been somewhat depressed and under a great deal of stress. He has been saying for months that he’s just not happy. Initially, I thought that this was limited to his work, but apparently, he thought this extended to our marriage because about three months ago he told me that he wasn’t happy with me either. I hesitated about the separation for many reasons, but the biggest reason was that I did not want to leave my husband alone. I worried that his depression would only get worse when he was by himself. I can’t completely tell if this turned out to be true because his behavior changes all of the time. I will see him one day and he will actually look happier than I’ve seen him for a long time. And then I’ll see him another day and I can tell that he’s carrying the weight of depression. It’s hard for me to try to help him when we’re living apart. I want so badly for him to be happy again. I will try to make jokes and cheer him up when we are together and this seems to work pretty well. But then I have to let him go home again and I have no idea how he’s going to fare after that. My kids say that he seems fine when they are with him. And, they are with him a lot. I’m just wondering what I can do to help make him happy while we are separated. I feel limited since we aren’t together all of the time.”

This has to be a very frustrating situation. I understand why this wife felt like she did. It’s very hard to see someone that you love struggle in this way. As wives, we are caregivers and we hurt when we see those we love hurt. I know that you must feel as if, at least to a certain extent, your hands are tied. At the same time, I have to tell you something that deep down, I suspect that you already know.

His happiness isn’t your responsibility. And, it is for the most part out of your control. (Now, if you think that he has serious depression that is a danger to himself, then that is another story and you should work with his doctor to get him the help that he needs.)  But if we are talking about general unhappiness where he wishes his life were different or better, then it’s up to him to craft the life he wants. This is true when you are living together. And it also true when you are not. No one can “make” someone else happy. Sure, when you love someone you try to control the circumstances that you know might make it easier for them to be happy. You try to listen. You try to support. You try to make your household playful and fun. You try to make sure that you keep the stress levels down. But, you can still do all of this (and do it very well) and still have a spouse that is unhappy. In truth, this is not your fault and it can have nothing whatsoever to do with you or even with your marriage.

You can still attempt to control the stress level and the circumstances during your separation, but it sounds as if you are already doing that, by making jokes and trying to maintain a light attitude. I would also suggested seeing if you can get him into counseling. A good counselor truly can help people with unhappiness, stress, and depression. I know that it can be a challenge to get a husband to go to counseling. You might start by just asking him to go with you to support your own counseling. If he thinks that the sessions are going to be about you, he might be more likely to willingly participate. A good counselor can gradually bring him into the mix and address his issues without him necessarily feeling uncomfortable.

And the truth is, as much as we may love our husbands and want to help, we aren’t mental health counselors. Yes, we can support him and we can listen. We can suggest doing fun things together where we can laugh and forget our problems. We can encourage him to talk about what is bothering him just so that he can release it. But, we can’t “make” him be happy. We can help him identify the source of his unhappiness. We can be a sounding board and a source of support. But we can no more fix his happiness than he can fix ours. Everyone must find their own.

My husband and I were both going through a high level of career stress before our separation.  And I’ll never believe that this didn’t contribute to our marital issues.  That said, my marriage was helped when I was able to see that I needed to address some of my own issues. And my husband had to also address his own.  But we approached this in very different ways.  You can read more abut this process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are very confused as to what is the best way to react to their husband’s behavior during a separation. Often, they are still struggling with the hurt that they feel from their husband leaving, so they are understandably quite guarded. They want to save their marriage, but they are afraid of getting their hopes up and being hurt again. And they are sometimes afraid to let their true feelings show for fear of scaring their husband away.

This can become particularly problematic when the same husband who wanted the separation starts to be affectionate during it. The wife has often decided to “play it cool” or to not wear her heart on her sleeve because she doesn’t want for her husband to avoid her. So when he gives her some loving overtures, she isn’t sure how she should react.

In this situation, I might hear a comment like: “my husband chose to move out of our home because he wasn’t sure if he was happy in our marriage anymore. He felt that he wasn’t sure if he still wanted the same things out of life as I did. And he felt that he had changed over the course of our marriage. So he wasn’t sure if we were compatible anymore. Hearing him explain this broke my heart. It felt like a rejection. I questioned whether he still loved me and he reassured me that he thought that he did, but he stressed that he needed some time to sort himself out. I was crushed, but I was really trying to prepare myself for the possibility that my marriage might be over. I started looking at my own finances and I started thinking about beginning a new chapter of my life. This was difficult, but I was able to do it. And just as soon as I began to accept the separation, my husband started to act really sweet toward me. He’s actually started hugging me and occasionally kissing me. My first inclination is to be thrilled about this. But I just can’t fully experience that because I’m afraid. The rational part of me wonders why the same man who needed to sort out his feelings is suddenly so comfortable showing me affection. I’m afraid that I will get my hopes up and then he will ultimately decide that he wants a divorce. And I’m afraid to ask him what his intentions are. So how am I supposed to react when he suddenly starts showing me affection?”

It’s Tough To Strike A Balance, But It’s Worth It To Try: This is a tough situation. I faced it myself, although our separation went on for a while before my husband started being kind and receptive to me again. I was so torn because frankly, my backing away from my husband and focusing on my own life seemed to cause him to become interested in me again. So, I didn’t want to jeopardize this by suddenly becoming very excited about the new attention that he was showing me.

At the same time, I didn’t want it to seem like I was rejecting him. My heart was telling me that I wanted to respond because his attention and affection was what I had been waiting and hoping for. So I wasn’t going to ignore him or shut him down. I wasn’t going to reject the affection that I wanted for so long. In fact, I decided that I was going to return it and I was going to create a playful give and take that would encourage my husband to want to keep this going and to want to see me more often. In fact, my whole plan was to slowly build upon this new flirtatious rapport between us.

A Calculated Risk: Did I know that I was taking a risk? Yes, I knew that I might get my heart broken. And I knew that I might be extremely disappointed if I got my hopes up and then things didn’t work out as I had planned. I knew that this was possible. But I made a conscious decision to not turn away from my husband. I figured that I really didn’t have all that much to lose. I was already feeling pain because of the separation. Yes, there was a risk that I would feel more pain if my husband backed away again. But, this was just what I was already experiencing. And the potential reward (that the newfound affection would lead to a reconciliation) was worth the risk.

Maintaining A Healthy Dose Of Reality: With all of this said, I was always careful to maintain my cool about this in front of my husband. Inside, I was incredibly excited that he was suddenly acting loving toward me, but I was careful not to let it show. I didn’t want for him to think that I was assuming a certain reconciliation because I was afraid this would scare him. It was a challenge, but I was able to do it by constantly reminding myself of my end goal. It did eventually work. And I was constantly reminding myself to be realistic.  I was cautiously optimistic, but I tried not to get ahead of myself.

I am not suggesting that this is the right strategy for every one. There are risks involved. But not returning your husband’s affection (when you really want to) is also risky because he may take it as a rejection and he may not reach out to you again. So I believe that it makes sense to consider doing what your heart is telling you to do, but to also maintain a sense of control at the same time. I feel that this is a decent compromise between letting hope and excitement over take you when the process is only beginning and just outright rejecting him because of fear.

I hope that helps some.  Ultimately, this process is not without any risk.  And there is pain regardless.  But I decided to always turn toward love and then deal with the consequences if it became necessary. If it helps, you’re welcome to read about how I navigated this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from a wife whose husband is doing everything in his power to discourage her from feeling hope that their marriage might ultimately be saved. And while he’s not telling her that the marriage is definitely over starting today, it’s clear that he doesn’t want for her to assume any positive outcome.

In this situation, I might hear a comment like: “my husband and I have been separated for about three weeks. I fully understand that things don’t look good for us. When your husband moves out and you’re sleeping alone in an empty house, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that the signs aren’t looking good. But my husband acts as if he needs to spell this out for me every chance he gets. On the off chance that we have a nice conversation or a nice outing together, my husband will always go out of his way to say something like ‘now you know that this doesn’t mean that we are getting back together. One good day does not mean that there will be a reconciliation.’ The other day I got frustrated with this and I asked my husband why he was always doing this. His answer was that he ‘didn’t want me to get my hopes up about saving our marriage.’ This was very upsetting and I didn’t know how to respond. It’s as if he’s determined that he is going to end our marriage no matter what happens. It’s almost like he’s told himself that he’s not going to register or consider anything positive that happens between us. It’s very discouraging to me because I’d like to just wait and see what happens. How am I supposed to feel when my own husband is trying to dash my hopes? Should there still be any hope left at all?”

I really feel for concerns like this because it brings back memories from my own situation. And it can make you feel as if you have nothing to look forward to and nothing to really strive for no matter what because your husband is determined to shoot down any progress that you’ve made. But here is what I learned from that situation. No one can take your hope away without your permission. Very luckily, you don’t need your husband’s blessing to continue to hope for improvements.  He doesn’t even need to know about your hope.  Frankly, your hope is your own business and not anyone else’s.

I know that it’s tempting to want to debate this or to ask him who he thinks he is to try to control your thought process. But, as understandable as this inclination is, I’ve found that it sometimes only makes things worse. If  he thinks that you’re trying to disprove his theory that there is reason to have hope, then he’s going to go out of his way to show you that in fact there is none. And that process can be very harmful to your marriage.

I’d suggest that instead, you want to make it clear that you will agree to disagree and that you’re not going into this with any set of expectations. You want to make it clear that you’re only trying to make the best of the situation, since there’s no good reason to always turn to the negative. So you might try a response like: “I’m well aware of how you feel about this. My being upbeat and just enjoying our day together doesn’t mean that I’m assuming we’re going to reconcile tomorrow. I know that we are separated. I know that neither one of us knows what the future holds. But I don’t think that this means that I have to have a negative attitude or that I always have to notice what’s wrong. Regardless of what happens between us today or in the future, I don’t have any expectations. I just want to make the best of each day because our relationship is important to me – regardless of whether it’s changing or not.  I’m just making the most of our time together just for today. And I don’t see anything wrong with that. Nothing says that we can’t try to get along and make the best of things.”

Once you’ve said this, it’s best to not dwell on it. You don’t want this to become a huge issue between you. Try to keep things very light hearted and non stressful. Your husband is less likely to resist you if he doesn’t think that you are pushing and if he believes that you don’t have an agenda. And frankly, sometimes working this way turns out to be an advantage for you.

My husband certainly didn’t want me to have any hope when we were separated because he was pretty sure that he wanted to divorce me. And he was certain that there wasn’t much that I could do to change his mind. It become obvious that the more I tried to change his mind and the more hope I had, the more determined he became that a divorce was going to happen.

So I decided that I was no longer going to try to change his mind. Instead, I was going to focus on myself and just maintain positive communications with him because he was too important to me to allow the entire relationship to deteriorate. When I backed away from my stance, his attitude toward me changed. And I was eventually able to save my marriage – even after many people would have lost hope. The truth is, I never gave up hope. But I learned not to advertise the same. Sometimes, you have to back away so that his resistance lessens. It doesn’t mean that you are giving up. It just means that you are approaching things in another way.

If it helps, you’re welcome to read about how I held onto my hope while backing away on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are extremely discouraged that their husband has abruptly announced that he wants a separation and isn’t willing to have an adult discussion about it. It can seem to the wife that no matter what she does or says, his mind is made up and the outcome is going to be the same.

To demonstrate, I might hear from a wife who says: “last weekend after we put our kids to bed, my husband told me that he wanted a separation. Before I could even ask him why or ask him about his timing, he told me that he had already found an apartment and that his lease began the next calendar month. Which meant that he would be moving out in two weeks. Needless to say, this all seemed so sudden to me. I want to talk about this. I want to know if there is anything that I could do to change his mind or if we could negotiate the terms of this. But when I try to talk to my husband about this, he says that it is not up for debate. He says that his mind is made up. I asked him how he could come to such a serious decision so quickly and without even discussing it with me. I told him that he needed to think about what this was going to do to our children. We need to set some guidelines before he just abruptly leaves. We both need to agree about what is going to happen and when. But my husband says that I’m making this process much more difficult than it needs to be. He says that he’s not willing to discuss this because he’s made up his mind and I’m not going to change it. Essentially, it’s as if he’s telling me that I have no say about this. He gets to simply move out and I have no choice but to watch him go. How is this right? And what is my option when he says that there will be no discussion about this? He won’t even give me specifics.”

I’m not an attorney, so I certainly can’t answer this question from a legal stand point. But I have been in this situation and I know how desperate and helpless it feels. I know that you want to come up with something to do or say in order to get his attention. I know because I’ve been in this place. I understand thinking that if you just keep talking – even as he’s telling you that there will be no debate – you will eventually get through to him. And even if he agrees to negotiate reluctantly, at least he would have agreed to it. I understand that this is your goal and you think that trying to engage him in a debate is the only way to get through to him. But, from my own situation and from the folks that I hear from on my blog, I have to tell you that this rarely becomes the reality.

Pay Attention To What Is Not Working: Often, when you’ve tried coming at him over and over again and he’s resisted, then continuing to come at him in the same way is either only going to continue to fail or it’s going to frustrate him even further. The great irony of this whole thing is that the more you push, the less likely you are to get what you want. You think that if you keep on, you will eventually chisel away at his resistance. But often, the opposite his true. He will become even more determined to not hear a word you say. He’s even more steadfast in wanting to get away from you.

I know that this isn’t very hopeful. But it is realistic and it doesn’t mean that there is nothing that you can’t try. It’s my experience that when what you have been trying hasn’t worked, then it makes sense to come at him in a new way. Even if you still want to negotiate, perhaps you back off on the non working tactic for at least a little bit.

Instead, consider how things might change if you could make him to believe that you at least partially accept his decision and it isn’t your intention to change his mind. Perhaps you’d just like more information so that you can prepare the kids. You might try asking him how often he expects to see them and if the two of you can work it out so that you will regularly communicate and see one another.

Making Concessions Today So That You Have Another Chance Tomorrow: What you’re doing is setting up a more positive tomorrow, even if you have to concede, at least for now and in the short term, that the situation isn’t ripe for negotiation right now – as of today. As you back up a little bit and as things calm down, you might ultimately see if you can convince him to just stay at a hotel temporarily rather than leasing a place that requires a long term commitment. Of course you’ll want to try to delay or prevent him actually leaving if you can. But if he continues to be strongly resistant, sometimes the best course of action is to appear to accept it while you are trying to navigate the terms of it (looking at the long term) as best as you can.

When a husband is as determined as this one, you’ll often have to do your negotiating in non obvious ways. And frankly, this can be more effective because his guard isn’t up. By no means am I telling you to give up and to just let him go. But I am suggesting (again from my own experience) that when a grown man wants to go and tells you that he won’t discuss it any further, then often continuing to talk doesn’t work. So it makes sense to try something different. And that sometimes means backing up momentarily so that you can gain ground a little later. When you are no longer resistant, he’s no longer as defensive, which will often allow you to make more progress.

I had to use this own approach in my own marriage.  My husband was determined to leave.  And I wasn’t going to stop him.  But by backing off, he became more receptive to me.  And this is when I was able to make the most difference. If it helps, you’re welcome to read about how I shifted my strategy on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Comments Off on My Husband Wants A Separation And Refuses To Discuss It Any Further Or Negotiate

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who are confused by their spouse’s rapidly changing emotions during their separation. One day, their spouse may be downright nasty and rude to them because he seems to be angry for some unknown reason. Then another day, he may be pleasant and nice. And, there doesn’t seem to be any change in circumstance. In other words, nothing has happened to justify him acting so dramatically different from one day to the next.

As an example of what I mean, I might hear a comment like: “my husband left me about four months ago. I suspected that this was coming because he had been talking about how unhappy he was and how tied down he felt. I think that this is all nonsense to be honest. My husband hates his job and is financially struggling. I think that a lot of his unhappiness has to do with that situation – and the fact that he can’t quit his job – than it does with our marriage. But there is no reasoning with my husband right now. There are days when he can be so nasty to me, as if I have done something wrong. But I know that I haven’t done anything. He is the one who left me. I’m not sure why he would be so angry. The separation is what he wanted. I would think that he would be happy each and every day. Admittedly, there are stray days here and there where he does seem to be happy. And on those days he is nice to me. But again, even on those days, I haven’t done anything to deserve the way that he is treating me. Nothing has changed, so why would he be angry one day and nice the next when I have done nothing to or for him? I just don’t get it at all. And it’s frustrating because I never know what husband I am going to get. I never know how he is going to act around me. And how I act or what I say doesn’t seem to make much of a difference.”

This can be an extremely frustrating experience. You feel as if you have done nothing wrong (or even right) and yet you are at the whim of his moods based on something that you can’t see. But, here is what you need to understand. You are right in your suspicions that his mood may not have much to do with you, this separation, or your marriage. If he is already struggling with external factors and stressors like his job and finances, adding a martial separation with all sorts of uncertainty into the mix can just multiply his frustrations rather than relieve them.

He May Be Facing A Harsh Realization: One issue that I often see is that the person initiating the separation believes that making this move and leaving is going to actually make things better for them. They hope that this is going to lighten their load and help to alleviate some of their stress. When this doesn’t happen, that is when you see them go through those negative emotions and lash out. Things didn’t go as they had planned. Of course, you suspected this all along because you knew that you weren’t the real source of their stress. They did not know this. But they are starting to realize it now. And that is why you will sometimes find them being pleasant and nice.

Suggestions For Handling This: So where does that leave you? Many people are tempted to call their spouse on his unfair behavior and demand that it stop immediately. While this is understandable, it will sometimes only make him more angry and frustrated, which means that you are only going to see more of the behavior that you don’t want. So, you really have to ask yourself what you want the outcome to be here. If you want to ultimately save your marriage eventually, you might be better off trying not to engage him or to point out that he is acting irrationally. Instead, you might consider making it appear that you are trying to be supportive. I know that I am asking a lot here. But think about it. He already feels that the world is conspiring against him. He already feels as if most things in his life cause him stress and seep his happiness. If you can cause a shift that makes him see that out of all of these things, you are the one thing that helps to take the stress away rather than add to it, then you will find him being much more receptive (and ultimately nice) to you.

And, that is what you are going to need in order to eventually begin the process to save your marriage. I know that it’s very hard and frustrating to experience the swinging emotions. But try to remove yourself from the situation during the times that he’s angry. Then, regroup when he’s more receptive. Over time, you will likely notice much more “nice” days and many less “angry” days. But you shouldn’t feel responsible for this process. You’re not causing it. And you can’t really fix it as it’s an external struggle within him. You can only be supportive while waiting for it to pass.  The job issue is his to solve.

I do believe that external factors contributed to my husband being unhappy with our marriage.  But pointing this out to me only hurt my cause.  It only contributed to him moving further away.  It wasn’t until I approached it differently that I got a different result, which ultimately allowed me to save my marriage. If it helps, you’re welcome to read about how I shifted my perspective on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Comments Off on We’re Separated And My Husband Alternates Between Being Angry With Me And Nice To Me. Why?

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are very disappointed that the spark that was lacking in their marriage isn’t coming back during the trial separation. The hope is always that when the two are living apart, they will begin to miss one another and see ways in which they took the other for granted or expected too much. As a result, reconciliation will be easier because the mind set has changed. But when this doesn’t happen, not only can it be quite disappointing, but it can make you wonder if the spark is gone for good, which means that you shouldn’t reconcile after all.

The type of comment that I might hear in this situation is something like: “my husband and I separated because he said that we had grown apart and he wasn’t sure that we were compatible anymore. He hasn’t come right out and said it, but I suspect that he isn’t attracted to me anymore. We haven’t had regular sex in quite some time. And when we do, it’s just short of awful. It’s awkward and the desire doesn’t seem to be there, at least on his part. I had hoped that he would realize that he missed me and wanted me when he wasn’t able to see me every day, but that hasn’t happened. We see each other regularly because of our kids. And, we have gone out alone by ourselves a few times. I do have to give him credit for always being willing to see me when I ask him. The problem is, we relate in exactly the same way as when we were living together. There still isn’t a spark. It’s still just as awkward. The other day when we were together, I tried to brush my husband’s arm. And he literally cringed and backed away. I had heard that a separation would help would these things and bring the desire back. I have even tried to talk to my husband about this but he doesn’t want to discuss it. Is this all a lost cause? If the spark and connection hasn’t come back by now, will it never come back?”

I would never tell anyone that this is a lost cause. And I think that it was possible that this wife was expecting too much too soon. Not enough time had gone by in the separation in order to fairly evaluate this. Not only that, but because she was pushing the issue, she might have been making it worse.

Why it Can Be A Mistake To Try Too Hard: Getting a connection and a spark back when the pressure and the implications are as high as they are during a separation can take great deals of finesse. Obviously, you have to address the issue, but you will often have to do it in such a way that makes it seem natural and effortless. If you’re wondering how you even begin to do that, then the answer is that you don’t make it appear so obvious. You lower your expectations and you accept the fact that it is going to be a gradual process.

Keep Things Light And Easy: Honestly, I often suggest not even discussing your marriage for a little while once the separation starts. Because you are going to have so much easier of a time if you can first reestablish an effortless rapport. And this will often mean that you back off the issue of your marriage in the beginning and you just try to establish a light hearted banter where you are just talking as two people who are trying to strengthen the way that they relate to one another. The improvements to your marriage will come later, as your relationship can withstand it. But in the beginning when things are so fragile, I feel that it is better to just attempt to reestablish an easy give and take. You might be better off just spending time together not even addressing your marriage in situations where you can just have fun.

Know That Removing The Stress Can Encourage A Connection: Here is something that people often discount. Often, issues in your marriage are at least in part caused by your situation. What I mean by that is there is often a high degree of stress that is putting your marriage to the test. It might be that your job is stressful or you never have the time to reconnect. In order to get the spark back, you have to take your marriage away from that pressure. You have to set up the circumstances so that your marriage no longer has to overcome these things, but it just has to be. Because once you can do this, you then have the opportunity to relate to your spouse as you did in the beginning, before everything went off the rails and before the stress did its damage.

I know that this may seem backward to you but I think you might be pleasantly surprised if you try it. It’s hard to reconnect when the weight of the world is on the shoulders of your marriage. The process is much easier if you take it day by day and set up circumstances so that the pressure if very low. You know your husband very well. You know your marriage very well. You likely already know what circumstances and activities that allow you to laugh, work together, and enjoy yourselves. These are the types of thing you should be doing with your spouse.

Think about it. Let’s say that you and your spouse used to love to fish but haven’t done that in years. Frankly, I feel that you are better off baiting a hook or two together and talking about whether the fish are biting than you are sitting in a coffee shop and trying to navigate the awkward silence. Fishing may seem like an awful weird way to reconnect when the focus isn’t even on your marriage. But I promise that it isn’t a waste of time. By doing these activities in low pressure situations, you are giving that spark a chance to slowly start smoldering again.

I know that it is hard to feel encouraged when nothing seems to change.  But I suspect that if you just take baby steps, lower the stress, and allow the spark to come back rather than chasing it, you’ll find the process to be a bit more workable. If it helps, you’re welcome to read about how I approached this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Comments Off on There Is No Connection Or Spark Between Us During Our Trial Separation

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who know that they need to reestablish an easy rapport and good communication during their marital separation, but they are having problems successfully doing this. Every time they try, the conversation feels forced. Or something goes terribly wrong and they say something unfortunate that they very much regret. So sometimes, it can feel as if it’s better to not talk at all. Only, if you do this, how in the world are you ever going to save your marriage or reconcile?”

To demonstrate, I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband and I have been separated for two weeks. He has asked me to give him space, which I did, even though it was very difficult. Well, now I know that it’s time for us to try to communicate. So I called my husband and the conversation was so strained. I had intended to ask him out for coffee, but I lost my nerve because I can’t imagine what it would be like. I just imagine us sitting there and starring at one another as no one says a word. That was one of the main reasons for our separation – we have grown apart. Things are really weird between us. For a couple of months before our separation, we vowed to try to bring back the spark in our marriage. But we failed miserably. If we don’t have the kids to talk about or their isn’t some drama with our jobs, then we struggle to even make small talk. It’s like we don’t have anything in common anymore. I wouldn’t even know how to have a conversation with my husband right now. And yet, I know that we need to communicate as we never have before in order to save our marriage. This is very sad because we used to talk effortlessly and endlessly and now, the idea of a simple conversation makes me feel anxious. What can I do?”

As I see it, there are a couple of strategies that you could try here, depending on your husband’s personality and how receptive he is. It’s my opinion that it’s best to start small in this situation. You don’t want to attempt to fix all of your problems at once. And, you don’t want to have heavy conversations that are going to cause more conflict and put too much stress on already difficult situation.

So, at first you may want to keep the conversation short and light. You don’t always have to talk about your marriage. You can talk about whatever current events are happening, or, better yet, you can talk about shared experiences – the movie you just saw or the cup of coffee you are drinking. When the conversation starts to get strained or it lags, then it’s time to end the meeting until the next time. Keep doing this until the conversation becomes easier. Over time, as you keep things very light and playful, you will notice that it’s no longer as difficult and that the conversation begins to flow. The idea is to build on the last success and to be very careful to keep the pressure level low. You want for the conversation to be easy and playful.

You never want to have to strain or push. Which is why if the above suggestions don’t help, it may be time to include a third party and by that I mean a counselor or go between. A good counselor is so valuable in a situation like this because they can be the helpful third party. When there is no conversation happening, they can begin asking open ended questions that gets things going. As you spend more time like this, you will notice that you’ll start to talk to one another naturally after your sessions and eventually, you will no longer need the go between.

If counseling isn’t feasible or isn’t desired, then you can have someone else be the go between. Have a mutual friend in on the conversation or meet a couple that you are friends with for lunch so that it’s a group conversation. This is usually much easier to navigate and you can avoid those awkward silences this way. If you have children, going out for fun family dinners can work for this too. But you have to be very careful with this. You don’t want to use your children. And you want to make sure that family interactions are exactly that. You don’t want for your kids to feel the awkwardness or to get in the middle of your issues. If you’re going to attempt this, always make sure that the family get togethers are about the kids. And keep it focused on them so that it remains light hearted and fun. Even so, you will often find that you can have a much easier conversation this way than when the two of you are alone and just starring at one another.

I know first hand how difficult this is. But the key is to not let the awkwardness stop you. To do that, you may have to settle for short conversations and small successes at first. Or, you may have to have the majority of your conversations in the presence of someone else. Both methods are OK, as long as you keep moving forward.

I remember having this same problem during my own separation.  So I had to start very small and work my way up from there. You’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Comments Off on I Don’t Even Know How To Have A Conversation With My Spouse During Our Separation