Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When you come to realize that your spouse wants a marital separation, it can be a very upsetting and confusing time. And this is true even when your spouse is as straightforward as he can possibly be. But, this whole thing is made worse when your spouse sends you mixed signals or says things that can be construed in a couple of different ways. An example of this is when your spouse tells you that he wants a marital separation while at the same time, he claims that he doesn’t want to lose you.

I might hear a comment like: “my husband told me about six months ago that he felt that our marriage was reaching a point where something had to give. We hadn’t been connecting in the same way. And although, we didn’t really fight with one another, we didn’t have intimacy anymore either. It has been clear that my husband is unhappy. So I wasn’t surprised when he came home this weekend and told me that he intended to move out in a couple of weeks. I was even more upset when a few days later he announced that he had found an apartment. I was devastated by this. But I was also determined to try not to be overly dramatic about it and to handle it in the most positive that I can. So I have decided that I’m not going to play games with my husband and I’m going to be honest about the fact that I’m sad about this separation. So, last night, I told my husband that I was going to miss him. I said that this separation felt so incredibly scary to me. My husband responded by saying: ‘I feel he same way. I don’t like this. But I feel like this is what I want and what I need to do right now. At the same time, I don’t want to lose you.’ I am not sure how this makes sense. Doesn’t a man who wants to separate from his wife by definition understand that he’s pushing her away and therefore might lose her? Is he just saying this to make me feel better? I’m not sure why he would give me mixed signals in this way. What does a person mean when they say they want a separation but don’t want to lose their spouse?”

The Spouse Who Initiated The Separation Can Have A Lot Of Doubt And Confusion.  They May Still Be Invested: I have my theories about this and I will certainly share them. But I’m not a mind reader and I can only guess. The wife was probably in the best position to read between the lines. With this said though, this phrasing is not uncommon. I hear about this quite a bit. People often assume that the spouse who initiated the separation is pretty much distancing themselves from their spouse and is almost glad to be free. But, this isn’t always the case. Sometimes, there is a lot of heartache and uncertainty that goes along with seeking a separation.

The spouse initiating the separation might be filled with fear because they know that they still love their spouse very much. And they are afraid that their insistence on having time or space is going to jeopardize the relationship. This may seem ironic coming from someone who is by definition, separating from their spouse. But not every one who asks for a separation intends to end their marriage. In fact, sometimes, this is far from the truth. Some people seek a separation because they are hoping that it will save their marriage – or at the very least inspire a change or a different perspective.

They May Want Change While Also Still Wanting Their Spouse: It’s my theory that when people say they want a separation but they don’t want to lose their spouse, they often aren’t lying. Instead, they are giving you an insight into their very conflicted feelings. They obviously believe that things need to change or be shaken up – or else they would not be pursuing a separation. But, at the same time, they are not entirely comfortable with this. They have some doubts. They still have some loyalty and commitment to you and the marriage and they are not uncomfortable sharing this with you.

Although This Is A Good Sign, You Still Need To Pay Close Attention: Now, some people will take this to mean that they don’t need to worry about the separation. They take this as reassurance that their spouse has every intention of ending the separation quickly. This is a fair assumption, but I think it’s a mistake to be over confident. There is a risk with a separation, even with the best intentions. That is why it’s important to take real action and to try very hard to stay connected and in touch during the separation.

Yes, it’s very good news that he’s clear on the fact that he doesn’t want to lose you. But sometimes, people move forward anyway – regardless of their fear. The separation is telling you that your spouse needs to make or see some change. He wants for things to be different than they are with your marriage. But, he’s scared of losing you during that quest. You can use this to your advantage. But you want to make sure that make every attempt to ensure that you both see more of what you want. Because you can’t expect his fear to overcome his reservations. If that were true, he wouldn’t be leaving in the first place.

It can be a positive thing when he has conflicting feelings and he shares them. But conflicting feelings alone are not always enough. Usually, it is going to take making some changes and some concessions that give way to the process of working through your issues. In this case, it seemed that both spouses were more than willing to do this.  In my own case, my husband sometimes showed confusion, doubt and sadness in the beginning.  But over time, he pulled further and further away as he gained more confidence in being on his own.  We almost divorced as a result.  Still, I was able to try some new things to save my marriage and some of these things worked.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There are really three outcomes for a marriage that endures a trial or marital separation. (And I’m not talking about the kind of separation where one spouse is required to travel for work or school. I’m talking about the type of separation where the marriage is in trouble so the couple choses to live apart.) The separation can end or severely damage the marriage. The separation can save the marriage. Or, the separation can leave it virtually unchanged.

I sometimes hear from people who want to know which effect a separation might have on their marriage. So, I might get a comment like: “I am really worried about my marriage. Every time my spouse and I are together, we fight. I suppose that I could blame a lot of our problems on stress because of the economy, but that really doesn’t tell the whole story. Frankly, we have just grown apart. Every little thing I do seems to annoy my husband and vice versa. Sometimes, I feel as if he is actually looking for things that he can become angry about. It’s as if he’s constantly on the search for some flaw that he thinks that he can point out where I am concerned. One of my coworkers suggested separating. She said that a trial separation actually saved her marriage because it allowed her husband to see that he had been taking her for granted and not treating her well. Would a separation work for me? Do separations really save marriages?”

My response may surprise you, at least a little. I often write about how I was able to save my marriage even through a separation. But I am very clear on the fact that it most certainly wasn’t the separation that saved our marriage. In fact, there were many times where I thought that the separation was actually going to end our marriage.

However, I suppose what the separation did do for me was to force change. Sometimes, you get so complacent in your life, in your marriage, and in your habits that it takes some sort of drastic stimulus to see where you might be wrong or where you may have to initiate change immediately. I will admit that the separation scared me into acting. And quite frankly, had my marriage not been at risk, I may not have ever gotten serious about making those changes because I would not have been forced to do so.

But, I think that if you can very consciously set it up so that you are going to make these types of changes without needing to bring about the risk that a separation entails, then this is really the very best case scenario. Because here is something that people often do not realize. Yes, you can separate, miss your spouse, and then convince him that you are both miserable while separated and should get back together immediately. Often, when this happens, people convince themselves that the separation in fact saved their marriage.

But what they often do not consider is that nothing has changed. At least not really. So when those same issues come up again (and they almost always do) then you are going to struggle with the same old problems. Sure, your spouse may not act on those problems at first because the separation has scared him into not making waves. But generally speaking, people will only be frustrated and dissatisfied for so long until they feel that they just can’t take it anymore and need to make some change or take some action.

It’s important to understand that this could go another way. What if you used the separation as a way to really examine the issues that were troubling your marriage and fix them? Then, when you come together, you will have the confidence that your marriage is actually going to make it. And, when those problems do come up again, they won’t stress or end your marriage, they might actually strengthen it.

So, as might already be obvious, my answer to the question as to whether or not a separation can save your marriage is, ‘it depends.’ But, I’m not sure that this is worth the risk. Because make no mistake about it, separations can begin the process os saving a marriage, but they can also end it. So my preferred way to go here would be to make the changes that the separation might force without actually taking on the risk of a separation. You can pretend that a separation or divorce is imminent and remind yourself that you must take action or risk your marriage.

Because in my mind, I firmly believe that it is the change in perspective that brings about real change that saves marriages. It is not the separation itself. And frankly, you can change your perspective and you can make changes to your marriage without needing to separate.

So yes, my marriage was saved after a martial separation, but I don’t think that the separation saved it.  I think that the separation forced the changes that saved it.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people are interested in tips to help them successfully date their spouse during their marital separation. And this may not have been their initial intention. They may have fully intended to play hard to get or to give their spouse lots of space. But then the time begins to drag by, loneliness sets in, and you can begin to worry that your spouse might start seeing someone else if they aren’t seeing you.

So, for example, I might hear from a wife who says: “the only time that I’ve been able to spend any quality time with my husband while we have been separated is when he comes to pick up my daughter. Sometimes, he will stay for a little while to talk with me or to spend some time together as a family for the sake of our daughter. This always works out well and most of the time we laugh and joke around. I don’t want for it to sound like I am complaining about this because I’m not. But I would really like for us to go out alone together. I talked to my sister in law about this and she told me that she thinks that I should give it more time and not push it. I am not sure if she is saying this because her brother has confided in her or because she is just guessing or trying to make me take a slower pace. I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize us getting back together. This is what is most important to me. But, I just can’t help but think about how nice it would be to go and have a cup of coffee or a glass of wine together where we can have couple time and not family time. That way, I might get a better handle on how my husband really feels. Because sometimes, I think that he is just being kind and sweet for the sake of our daughter. So, should I ask my separated husband out?”

Why The Answer To This Question Really Depends Upon The Situation: This can be a very tricky situation. The answer really does depend on where your husband stands and that can be extremely hard to gauge. Most of the time, I believe that the best idea is to build upon what you already have and then wait until he asks you. And the reason that I say this is because the sister in law in this case is right. Essentially, you are risking the goodwill that has already been created by pushing, even if it is only a little. This is especially true if you are separated in part because your spouse has asked for space or for time to do some soul searching.

Now, with that said, sometimes the risk is worth it. In some cases, the wife will ask the husband out and he will accept and things will go wonderfully. But many times, in this situation, it has become obvious that the husband actually wants the encounter and is very likely to say yes. I didn’t get that impression here. The fact that the wife had doubts as to whether or not this was the right thing to do may have been an indication that something was still causing her to stop short of asking. Perhaps she sensed that it was too soon or she suspected that a rejection was possible. This really is a decision that only you can make based upon the information that you have and the behavior that he has been displaying. But, if you do choose to go ahead and ask, here are some things to keep in mind.

Keep Any Encounters Very Light Hearted And Don’t Apply Pressure: Actually, the idea of just getting coffee or wine can be a good one, if you choose to go ahead and ask him. This is better than an elaborate dinner or a weekend away where it’s obvious that you have everything wrapped up on this one outing. Ultimately, it’s best to keep things short and simple. You want to have a good time. You might even get in a little flirting if it’s obvious that this will be received well. But you don’t want for things to be awkward. And you don’t want for him to feel that his saying yes means that you’re automatically assuming a reconciliation or anything so heavy.

Keep Your Expectations Low And Your Plans Simple: Truly, your only goal really should be to have a good time and to make it so that he has no reservations about getting together again and may in fact reach out to you the next time. I don’t mean to put the brakes on things or to damper your enthusiasm. Dating your spouse during the separation can be a good strategy, especially if your spouse is the one doing the asking. But I do use a bit of caution here because I’ve seen people push this (myself included) and then get rejected. And when this happens, you have to start all over and recreate that goodwill. This becomes more difficult each time.  Which is why it can be better to wait.

So while I think that this can be fine if you know that he is going to enthusiastically agree, I think that it’s best to let him ask you. If you do choose to go ahead and ask, make sure that it’s seems like a very casual invitation where you just want to relax and have a good time without any huge expectations. Because pressure is not a good addition to a separation.

Unfortunately, as you might suspect, I learned this lesson the hard way.  Every time I pushed my own husband during our separation, I had to start all over and he was more and more distant to me.  That’s why I think if you have a good and regular thing going, you should think long and hard about jeopardizing it, unless he is giving you lots of obvious encouragement. If it helps, you can read more about how I got through this process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s common for me to hear from wives who aren’t sure how they should be acting toward their husband, now that he has announced his desire for a separation. Many fluctuate between wanting to greet him with anger, wanting to act cold toward him, or wanting to be extremely loving in the hopes that he will change his mind. It’s a nice thought to think that you can and should be completely transparent during this process and always say what is on your mind while being forthcoming with your feelings, but very few of us are able to pull this off. And the reason is that we do not want to become hurt. We do not want to act loving and then be rejected. Or, we don’t want to show our true feelings if this is only going to turn him off more and cause him to distance himself further.

I might hear from a wife who explains it this way: “my husband has told me that he wants to separate and he really won’t go into specifics as to why this is. I have asked him if there is someone else because honestly, this is the only legitimate reason I can come up with for him doing this to me.  We haven’t been like newlyweds lately, but who is? I was researching ways to spice up our marriage, but I never dreamed that he would want a separation. I have been falling all over myself asking him why but he swears that there is no one else and that he just needs his own space for a little while to determine where he wants to take his life. So my next step has been to try to be loving and accommodating toward him, but this hasn’t done me any good. It seems like the more loving I am toward him, the more he pulls away. I was talking this over with one of my coworkers and she said that I’m approaching it all wrong. She asked me why would I reward his behavior by being loving toward him? She says that he is doing something incredibly selfish and therefore I needed to pull away from him to show him just how lonely it is going to get for him. I understand her thinking, at least somewhat. But I am not sure if I can pull this off. It isn’t in my nature to be cold to my husband. And if I’m being honest, I am desperate to have him not leave me. How in the world can I act otherwise? How are you supposed to act toward a husband who wants a separation?”

I believe that the best answer to this question truly does depend upon the personalities involved and the reason for the separation. Sometimes, if you attempt to stray too far away from your true personality, your spouse is very likely to doubt your sincerity. They will know that you are only acting in a certain way in order to get a certain behavior or action out of them.

There is definitely a fine line between allowing your true emotions to have full reign (and potentially create awkwardness and him avoiding you) and pretending to feel something that you absolutely don’t so that you’re really lying.

After going through this myself and watching my husband pull further and further away the more needy and loving I appeared to be, I decided that it wasn’t always to my benefit to act in the way that my heart was guiding me. Because, if I’m being completely honest about it, my heart was guiding me to be someone who I wasn’t particular proud of – that woman who was motivated by fear and who always tried to guilt, shame or beg her husband home simply because she couldn’t stand to be without him and was frightened by the thought of being alone.

And although this is exactly how I felt and letting out these feelings were a relief, my husband didn’t find this particularly attractive. Nor did he find it endearing when I was overly affectionate. In fact, the more I reached out, the more he pulled back. So I learned to keep a loose lid on my feelings.

What I mean by this is that while I didn’t lie or act in a way that was completely false, I did try to take the attitude that although I didn’t really want a separation, I accepted the fact that he did and I was going to use the time to do my own soul searching and to work on myself.

And after this shift, a funny thing happened. My husband stopped avoiding me. I believe the fact that I was showing respect for myself made him respect me also. And I believe he was curious as to what brought about this change. I want to be clear. I always treated my husband with respect and kindness. I didn’t really lash out. I didn’t pretend that I didn’t care about him. He knew that I did. He knew that if I had my way, the separation would be over. But, since that wasn’t going to happen immediately, my stance was that I was going to make the best of it and I was going to make it work for me.

So I treated him like the important person that he was in my life. But I wasn’t overly affectionate or desperate. I stopped centering every conversation on our marriage. I treated him like someone whose opinion I highly valued, but whose opinion was not more important than my own.

This is just what worked for me. If you are getting good results by being completely transparent and showing every ounce of your true feelings, then I don’t see any reason to stop, unless the results also stop. But if you aren’t, then maybe you want to hold back a little on being over affectionate or overly accommodating. This doesn’t mean that you are rude or cold. It means that this is new territory for you and that you are coping as best as you can while having respect for yourself and for him.

I know that this is a very difficult time.  I know that it can feel like you’re wandering around without a map.  But I found that you can almost never go wrong when you focus on yourself and on those things that you know strengthen you.  If it helps, you can read more about how I got through this process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who aren’t quite sure about boundaries during their martial or trial separation. Many are very clear on the fact that they are hoping that this separation will only be temporary. In a perfect world, they are hoping that they will be able to work things out with their spouse so that the marriage can come out not only in tact, but actually better. These folks are very clear on the fact that they still love their spouse and they still want to be married.

But what they aren’t as sure about is how their spouse feels in return and if, because of this doubt, they should share their true feelings. Many would feel quite comfortable continuing to tell their separated spouse that they love them. But they aren’t sure if it is appropriate or if it is going to make things even more awkward.

I might get a comment like: “my husband moved out about three weeks ago. He is the one who felt that it would be best if we separated. He says that he still loves me. He says that this will never change. But what he isn’t sure about it whether or not he still wants to be married. He has gone through a lot of changes in his life and with his health. And he’s trying to live his life as though he’s not tied down. I get that, but this separation is really hurting me. When I talk to my husband, it feels so weird to know that he’s not right in the next room – like he should be. It’s so odd to have to talk to him on the phone instead of in our home. And, sometimes, in our phone conversations, I will just naturally want to tell him that I love him because that is always the way that we have always ended a conversation. But I have stopped myself because I’m not sure how he will react. I don’t want to push. But I feel like it’s perfectly natural for me to tell my husband that I love him. Because I do. And it feels odd to pretend that I don’t.”

I am not sure that anyone expects for you to pretend that you don’t love your husband. Every one would likely know that this isn’t true anyway. I certainly don’t have all of the answers. But I can tell you my opinion which is mostly based on what happened during my own separation. I think that the words that will be appropriate to use in the separation really does depend upon what is happening between you during it. Many couples are very clear that they still love each other very much and are only going through a temporary break that is going to end. Those couples will sometimes very freely express loving words and phrases and both are very comfortable with it.

Other couples find themselves holding back on phrases of love because their future isn’t quite as certain. Sometimes, this silent stance comes from only one of the spouses and sometimes, both hold back. This was the case with me. I did start out telling my husband that I loved him. But, I could not help but notice that he didn’t answer me. Or, he would occasionally say that he loved me too but then he would abruptly leave and would clearly be uncomfortable. After a while, it became obvious to me that I needed to back off. And this included all of the talks of love, loneliness, and desperation. Because bringing these things up just wasn’t helping my cause. I did still love my husband. Very much. But I noticed that my constantly declaring it was just making things awkward.

So I decided that, just for a little while, I would back away just to see what happened. And I was very pleased with the result. Backing off took away the pressure and this allowed us to interact in another way. It was a slow process, but it gradually allowed for us to connect again.

Now, I have no way of knowing if your situation is like mine. You may well be one of those couples who are completely comfortable expressing love for the entire duration of your separation. If you have faith that your husband will declare that he loves you just as much as you love him, then I see no harm in saying the words, unless something changes.

But, if you suspect that your husband might react negatively or feel awkward about your declaring your love, then I don’t think there is anything wrong with holding off on the words, especially since the words are often unspoken. I think that not being as transparent is something necessary when things are already awkward or up in the air. I know that many might disagree with me. But I can only tell you what I observed myself and I can only say that it was obvious that things improved once I backed away from this response.

So my inclination is to say that I think the answer to this question really depends on the nature of your relationship now. If it’s obvious that he’s going to react favorably to your saying I love you, then I don’t see a problem. But, if you have some doubts as to how he might respond, then I would wait to see if perhaps he will say it first or until it’s more clear what direction you are going in, simply because you don’t want to add awkwardness to the situation.

As I alluded to, there was a time when it was necessary for me to stop constantly declaring my love during the separation.  I was very afraid of this.  Because I worried that if I didn’t hold on very tightly, then he would slip away.  But honestly, the opposite happened.  I loosened my grip and he came closer.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are dealing with a spouse who has become cold, distant, and “confused.” People are sometimes quick to label this as a mid-life crisis, but it can happen at any point in a person’s life. Typically what you will see is that your spouse will suddenly no longer feel confident that the life they are living fits them. So they may start to question their job, their lifestyle, their goals, their spirituality, and yes, even your marriage. This can be a hard process to witness. No one wants to see their spouse struggle in this way. And when you love someone, of course, you want to help them. But it’s often not clear how you can do this.

Here’s an example of a comment that I might get about this situation. “for the past eight months, my husband has been going through something very difficult. His company sent him to this ‘best life’ seminar and ever since then, he’s been questioning everything about his life. Honestly, it’s like he all of a sudden hates his life. Suddenly, he isn’t sure that he wants to work in sales anymore. He thinks that perhaps he was meant to be an artist. And now he isn’t sure if he wants to be married anymore. We were going to try to start having children next year, but he no longer wants this because he feels that he wants to sort himself out before we do this. In fact, he isn’t sure if he even wants to be a father now. Lately, he’s started hinting that he wants a separation. I feel as if his new awakening is going way too far. I understand wanting to be the person that you were meant to be, but everyone has responsibilities and there are realities of life that you can’t just shrug off simply because you want every day to be perfect. How can I help him with this confusion so that he can have his regular life back and not be so unhappy?”

Why It’s Important To Be Careful Right Now.  He Could Mistake Your Help For Meddling: This is a very common concern. I hear about it quite a bit. It’s not unusual for a spouse to begin to examine everything in their lives (including their marriage) and then to just begin to discard some of them. Of course, the fear is that they are going to discard you or your marriage. So, it’s quite understandable that you want to help him to sort through this as soon as is possible. But you have to be very careful here. Because sometimes, he will see your help as meddling. And because part of the examination and change involves you and your marriage, he may question your sincerity. He may assume that your version of “help” includes trying to manipulate him or trying to make him settle for less than what is his best life. Please know that in no way am I implying that you don’t or can’t make your spouse happy. I’m trying to show you what you might be up against. If he thinks that you only want to help him because you want to manipulate him, then this actually might do you harm than good. Here are some things to keep in mind when you’re trying to help him.

It’s Not Up To You To Solve His Problems Or To Come To A Solution. He Needs Your Support More: Most of us have a real tendency to want to solve problems for those who we love. We don’t like to see them hurting and it’s absolutely normal to want to step in and alleviate those things that are causing them pain. But, to your spouse, this might look like that you are just trying to take over and to stop them from sorting this out for themselves. The truth is, they are likely never to feel completely at peace about this process unless and until they know that they had real choices and that this process was authentic because the answers only came from them. Only he can examine his life and decide what he truly wants. If you do this for him, he might question the results and you are in a worse position than when you started.

How Do You Genuinely Help Him?: So knowing this, what can you do to help him? You can let him know that you are there for him if he needs to talk. You can let him know that you support him and want him to be happy. You can gently point out trends or issues that you see, but be careful if you do. As best as you can, you must give off the appearance of being objective and supportive rather than manipulative. This is very important. Because if he believes that you are only trying to manipulate him, then he may start to look at you as one of those things in his life that need to be discarded. But, if you are supportive and he comes to realize that you always make things better for him instead of worse, then it is more than likely that he will realize that you fit wonderfully into his new life and that you have nothing to worry about.

I know that this is likely very frustrating for you. I know from experience that this feels more than unfair. I know that it is very tempting to tell him that he’s being selfish and that his life will never be perfect. But, if you do this, then there is a real risk in him thinking that you are part of the problem rather than part of the solution. He isn’t likely to come to believe that he’s being selfish or mistaken just because you told him so. In fact, he’s likely to resent you for saying it instead. That’s why it’s very important that you try to appear to be supportive rather than judgmental.

I know that this hurts and I know that it is scary.  But it is so important to give off the appearance of support instead of manipulation. If I had done this, I might not have had to recover from a separation.  If it helps you can read more about how I overcame my husband distancing himself on my blog http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who have to adjust to rapidly changing behaviors from their husband during their trial or marital separation. It’s not uncommon that just as everything seems hopeless and just as the wife begins to live her life again, suddenly the husband begins to show some interest. At that point, not only if the wife very confused, she has to determine the best course of action and decide how to deal with this.

An example is a comment like: “honestly, our trial separation did not go very well. I was incredibly clingy and my husband really just wanted time away from me. Emotionally, I just couldn’t give it. I see now that I called and texted too much. Even though my husband told me that I was going too far, I couldn’t seem to stop myself. So my husband took the very drastic step to move away. Sure, he was offered a very tempting job, but he pursued that job. And now we live two hours apart from one another. Once he moved, I had to face the facts that our marriage was probably over. It hurt me to do this, but what choice do I have? About a week after he moved, my husband started calling me. At first it was only once every couple of days but now it is every day. Although I’m really glad to hear from him, I confused. It’s not as if we talk about anything major or related to our marriage. But we do talk every day and out conversations are pleasant. I am not sure what to make of this. Part of me is happy to see some improvement. But another part of me is very torn. He lives two hours away. How in the world are we going to make any progress in that situation? I kind of resent him waiting to move before he would be receptive to me. Why wait to talk to me until he moved?”

It’s actually very common for a husband to suddenly be interested or receptive again once the wife appears to have accepted the situation and backed off just a little. This is what happened in my case. It is almost as if the husband has finally gotten the time and space that he wanted and determined that it wasn’t so great after all. In my view, you really do have two choices here. You can become resentful that he waited so long and react with frustration and distance (which might hurt your chances of saving your marriage) or you can vow to just see what happens and to not get ahead of yourself.

It’s very normal to start thinking about a reconciliation the second he starts being nicer to you. But that can be a big mistake. I made that mistake, my husband backed away again, and I had to start all over. This wasted precious time and caused even more pain. It was very hard to pick myself up and back away a second time. But doing so meant he eventually became receptive again. That’s why I think that the best strategy right now is to not think too hard about tomorrow. There is nothing wrong with hoping that tomorrow turns out like you planned. But, understand that the situation is delicate.

My suggestion would be to just enjoy your daily conversations. The goal really should be to end the conversation in a positive way so that he calls again tomorrow and the next day and so on. In this way, there isn’t a lot of pressure and you are hopefully slowly building up to something else. Try very hard not to ask your husband just where he thinks all of this going or why he’s suddenly receptive. Frankly, he may not really know. It might be that all he knows is that he found himself missing you and he wanted to hear your voice. This is actually a great thing if you still want to save your marriage.

And, although you might find this situation frustrating, it really is a very unique opportunity. Since you won’t see each other regularly, you have this wonderful chance to just talk and to communicate. Communicating effectively is vital for a sound reconciliation and a strong marriage. It’s a great opportunity for you to hone this skill while you are reconnecting. And I suspect that it will mean that when you do see one another, sparks will fly because of the anticipation.

But to address the original concern, I believe that this turn of events is actually potentially a very positive thing. Sure, it’s very inconvenient that he has already moved, but it’s not insurmountable. In the future, one or both of you may decide to move to be with the other. But try very hard not to think about that right now. Just take it day by day. And enjoy the process. Because it’s so much better that he’s calling you instead of refusing to take your calls, right?

I do understand how difficult this is.  I’ve been there.  But I firmly believe that it’s vital that you don’t assume too much or move too quickly.  You have a much higher chance of achieving a lasting reconciliation  You’re welcome to read more about how I handled this same situation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I think it’s fair to say that I hear from a lot of wives who are trying to deal with their husband recently leaving them. Some are surprised by this turn of events and some are not. Some are confused as to the reason that their husband has left and some have been given very specific reasoning. Some even get a note that fully outlines all of the perceived shortcomings that caused the husband to leave. One very common theme in these notes is not showing the husband enough affection or giving him enough attention.

A common scenario is one like: “I have felt like my husband was going to leave me for a long time. So I wasn’t surprised when he finally did. Our fights are usually centered on one main issue – he feels like he loves me more than I love him. He feels like I do not just naturally want to show him affection and he feels like he has to beg for my attention. I have really mixed feelings on this. On the one hand, I want to make my husband happy and content. On the other hand, I’m a bit resentful at this because it’s like he’s a child keeping score. We are both busy adults and yet he gives me the impression that I need to constantly see how he’s feeling and doing – almost like a pet. It almost feels as if he needs maintenance. Sometimes, I think that he is only going to be happy with a woman who is all over him and who can’t do enough for him. He wants someone who is just going to constantly go out of her way to tell him how great he is. The great irony of this is that I do think that he is great. I love him. But I don’t feel the need to act as if we are teenagers who constantly have to fawn all over one another to prove our love. To me, this smacks of desperation and immaturity and it’s hard for me to respect it. I feel like he’s so needy that he’s a well that can never be filled and that is exhausting. At the same time, I love him and I don’t want to end our marriage. But how can we find the common ground where he feels he gets enough affection and I don’t feel that I’m having to work so hard all of the time while never making him happy?”

This Is A Common Situation That Can Be Fixed: This situation is very common when you have two different personalities. You sometimes find couples where one of them is very demonstrative and has no problem showing affection. Often, this spouse also likes a lot of affection and feels very comfortable both giving it and receiving it. And on you can have the other spouse on the other end of the spectrum – they typically know that their loves and appreciates them without being reminded of it all of the time. When these two get married, the demonstrative spouse can feel like he’s not getting enough while the more reserved spouse can feel as if no mater how much affection they give, it can never be enough.

If this conflict isn’t addressed and properly worked through, it can escalate to the point where one spouse feels that it will never be rectified, and as a result, might leave. I don’t believe for one second that this means that the couple can’t resolve the issue and eventually be more compatible. The key is to talk very openly and honestly about expectations and compromises.

Get Very Specific In Order To Find A Compromise: When the husband says he doesn’t feel that she “shows enough affection,” that is an extremely broad statement. Does he mean that they are not having enough sex? Does he mean that she doesn’t hug him, hold his hand, or give him verbal affirmation enough? Does it mean that he just doesn’t feel loved in general? Does it mean that he needs for her to show more appreciation for the things that she does? Showing affection means different things to different people. As silly as it might sound, sometimes you have to get very specific with this. You need to break it down to figure out what, exactly is meant and what exactly, is making him so unhappy.

Because the wife could already be attempting to do what she thinks is affectionate, be way off the mark, and still have a husband who doesn’t feel loved. So the result is that he feels unsatisfied and she feels that no matter what she does or how often she does it, then it’s never going to be enough. That’s why it really helps to break it down. Having a counselor to facilitate this can be quite helpful, but I know that not all husbands will agree to this.

If not, then I’d suggest giving it a couple of days and then reaching out. You might try something like: “needless to say, I’m very upset that you left. But I’m not surprised. This is an issue that has been troubling our marriage for a very long time. I want to solve this issue too. I believe that if we work together and in the right way, we can fix this. But living apart is all but assuring that we can’t fix it. Because I’m not sure how I can give you more affection when you’re not even here. If you were trying to get my attention, you did and I want to make this right. But I’m not sure that you’re leaving is going to do it. Would you be willing to see someone to help us to determine how to give us both what we want? If not, then we need to sit down and get very specific on what we both need and can comfortably give.”

It’s very difficult to predict how the husband might respond. He may be willing to get very detailed about what he needs without much intervention or it may take a little effort to pull it out of him. At the same time, once you determine what he needs, then you’ll want to also define what you can comfortably and genuinely give without feeling as if you are filling something without a bottom. There is usually a compromise here somewhere. You just have to find it.

I believe it’s very important to come to a compromise that you can actually live with.  The worst thing you can do is to agree to something that you can’t sustain.  Because the more times that the issue comes up, the harder it becomes to truly work it out as resentments build.  So I’d suggest tackling it as soon as possible.  I know first hand that it is challenging to negotiate with a spouse who has already left. If it helps, you you’re welcome to read about how I navigated my separation and won on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who say that it is as if their feelings have been put under a microscope during their separation. They might try to share their feelings during this time, only to be told that what they are feeling is inappropriate or wrong. This can leave the wife wondering if perhaps she shouldn’t share her feelings anymore or if she is doing (or feeling) something wrong.

I might hear a comment similar to something like: “I did not want to separate, but my husband did. I tried to talk him out of it but no matter what I said, it didn’t matter. It seemed that he wanted his freedom no matter what. I think that he feels that being married to me somehow holds him back and makes him feel like he’s not totally free. I hate this separation. I miss him so much. It is so hard to come home to an empty house. I feel that I have lost part of myself. I hate the uncertainly of not knowing what is going to happen to us. I hate feeling like I might lose the person who I know that I am meant to be with. It’s difficult for me to enjoy time with my friends or to function at work. Things just feel off. However, when I tell my husband these things, he tells me that I should not be feeling this way and that I am looking at things all wrong. He says that we should be taking this as an opportunity to explore ourselves as individuals without focusing on and fretting being apart. He says that I am being too clingy and that I am trying to make him feel guilty. In short, he’s telling me not to feel what I’m feeling. I’m not sure how to respond to this. I can’t help the way that I feel. And, I’m not sure that I want to lie to him and pretend that I’m fine when I’m not. How am I supposed to react to this?”

Why He May Not Want To Hear About Your Feelings, At Least For Now: This is a tough situation. But I can tell you that many husbands who initiated the separation (especially the ones who tell you that they need space) will resist you telling them anything that is going to make them feel guilty about what they have done. I hear from a lot of these men on my blog and they are often wanting some time to evaluate how they are feeling. And, one of the reasons that they pursue a separation is because they feel that they can’t do that while they are living on the same roof as you and having to talk about their feelings and their thought process throughout this entire time. But, when you are bringing forth your thought process and telling them how much you are struggling, then they can feel that this is impeding the process that they have been asking for all along. I am not saying that they are correct in this assumption. I am telling you what might be a part of his thought process.

Why I Don’t Advocate Announcing Your Thought Process:  His resistance is why I suggest that although you not lie about how you feel, you don’t come right out and announce it either, especially if it’s obvious that it is making him uncomfortable. Sometimes, when I tell people this, they tell me that it makes them uncomfortable because they feel like they are lying. I do understand this concern. But I see it this way. It’s not out and out lying when the end justifies the means.

During my own separation, I noticed that my husband would back away from me when I was honest about how much I was struggling. I’m sure it made him feel badly and it didn’t make him want his space any less. So, what was the point? My strategy became to attempt to bring myself up in terms of mood so that I didn’t have to pretend that I wasn’t struggling. I really wanted to make it so that I was coping instead. As difficult as it was, I started seeing friends more and forcing myself out of the house. This elevated my mood and outlook so that I didn’t have to pretend or hold back nearly as much.

Does this mean that I no longer missed my husband or that I no longer felt discouraged by the uncertainty and the loneliness? Absolutely not. I still absolutely felt all of these things, although I didn’t feel them as intensely once I began to focus more on myself and more on the positive. However, I chose not to broadcast the things that I knew would cause my husband to avoid me. Over time, this helped quite a lot. And it made things less awkward, which allowed us to make progress. Once we saved our marriage, I no longer had the feelings anyway.

But to answer the original question, I honestly don’t believe that any one has the right to tell you that your feelings are “wrong.” They are yours. They are authentic. And, like it or not, you can’t stop them from coming forth. But, sometimes you have to ask yourself if sharing them or dwelling on them are going to help your cause or hurt it. If you feel that they are hurting your chances of saving your marriage as I did, then I don’t think there is anything wrong with expressing them to friends or to your journal for a while.

That is what I did. I never changed my feelings. But I didn’t always advertise them, especially when the separation was new. Once my husband became interested in me again, I held back a little then, too because I didn’t want to jeopardize the progress that I’d made. I only truly unloaded all of my feelings after we had reconciled and our marriage was no longer on shaky ground. But I always found a way to release them, which I believe is absolutely vital. Don’t deny them. Don’t bottle them up. But consider sharing them at the appropriate time and place. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who suspect that the time has come to pursue a divorce. They typically feel that their marriage is too damaged to save or they perceive that they don’t love their spouse in the same way anymore. However, as real and as problematic as these feelings are to them, there can be some guilt about ending their marriage. And they are left wondering what all of these guilt feelings really mean.

I might hear a comment like: “I can say immediately and without any reservation that my husband is a good man and a superb father. I am actually very lucky to have in my life as are our children. But I fell out of love with him about two years ago. We are just different people. I want to embrace life and get a lot of it and he is very happy with the simplest of things. I dream of having my own business one day and he is content to just work week to week. I also have to admit that I have become interested in a man at my job although I would never pursue that until I was divorced. So I’m pretty clear on the fact that I want a divorce. But I haven’t told my husband about this yet. I just haven’t been able to bring myself to do this. We spent Christmas together recently and every time I looked at my children’s happy faces and every time I saw my husband looking so at peace and so content and I felt so awful when I realized that I was going to mess everything up. I feel horribly guilty, but the fact is, I’m just not happy. I was telling one of my friends about this and she said that if I feel guilty then I know in my heart that it’s not yet time for a divorce. Is she right? The thing is, I really think that I am sure that I want a divorce. But I do feel horrible about what I am about to do. Does this mean that I should reconsider?”

What The Guilt Might Be Trying To Tell You: I can’t tell you whether or not you should reconsider. This is a decision that only you can make. But, from my own experience and from hearing from others in the same situation on my blog, it’s my opinion that if you are have strong negative feelings like guilt and doubt, this is your subconscious’ way of telling you to slow down. This is a very big decision with very far reaching consequences. It doesn’t just affect you. It affects your entire family. And, I believe that it is probably safe to say that there is going to be guilt until and unless you know that you have done everything in your power to save your marriage. Until you do that, you are always going to wonder what might have been and you may suspect that you walked away too quickly.

Unsatisfying Marriages Can Turn Around: Honestly, I have seen marriages that were truly in trouble (my own included) transform once both people became excited about and committed to making the changes necessary to rebuild the marriage. I realize that this wife was worried that she and her husband were too different to truly be compatible. But quite honestly, sometimes the differences can actually enhance the marriage if you approach them in the right way.

The wife hadn’t mentioned any type of previous counseling. Nor did it appear that her husband had any idea that she was so unhappy. The divorce was likely to be a huge shock and disappointment to him, which of course was one thing that was making the wife feel so guilty. He likely wouldn’t even see this coming.

He Might Be Willing To Work Very Hard To Change The Situation: Considering this, what harm would it do to just be honest with the husband and give him a chance to work with her to fix the situation? Obtaining the right type of help or paying the right type of attention to your marriage can completely transform it. Doesn’t it make sense to first try everything in your power to work with the family that you already have without walking away before you give them that chance? I think that a husband who is faced with the threat of losing his marriage might also be a husband who is very motivated to doing everything in his power to fix this.

And, the fact that the wife could still see the good in her husband and concede that he was a high quality person was indicative of the fact that some feelings were still there, even if the feelings weren’t of the intensity that the wife might have liked. It’s my experience that this intensity can return. I know that this wife may have had doubts. That is normal. But if you move beyond the doubts and really try, I think that you might be pleasantly surprised.

But to answer the original question, this isn’t a decision that I can make for anyone. But I do believe that guilt and doubt can be a good indication that you are moving too quickly. I believe it makes sense to first try to save your marriage, and as a last resort, to separate, before you pursue a divorce. If none of this works and you end up divorcing anyway, at least you will know that you did all you could before taking this very drastic action. And there is a chance that your efforts will work and you will be able to save your marriage and be happy once again within it while being able to keep your family in tact.

I know that there are times when it looks as if your marriage is beyond all repair.  But as I said, with the right type of attention, you can not only fix it but make it better than it ever was.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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