Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It is very unnatural to think that while you are separated from your spouse, you will be fine not having face to face interaction, especially if you want to save your marriage. And often, just seeing your spouse to handle practical matters is not enough. Talking to your spouse about childcare or the household bills does nothing to ease your mind as to whether or not your separation is going well or making progress. And, you might crave more quality time with your spouse.

One way to achieve this is to date your spouse or to ask your spouse out. But this is a scarier proposition than you might think. A separation is an incredibly scary time. You have to guess constantly as to what your spouse might be thinking and what he might want. You hope that he is thinking favorably about you and wanting to spend more time with you, but you can’t be sure of this. And, if he doesn’t, does that mean that you should try harder to pull him closer?

I might hear from a wife who says: “I miss my husband desperately during our separation. We don’t see each other nearly enough. I would like for us to begin going out together regularly. I think that he would like this too but I can not be sure about it. I would like to ask him to go out to dinner with me, but I’m scared. There are days when he is nice to me but there are days when it seems as if I annoy him and then he makes it very obvious that he would like to be left alone. I don’t want to have him reject me. But I feel like if I do not take the initiative and ask him, then nothing is going to change or improve. I am scared of rejection though. When should you ask your separated spouse out on a date? When is it too soon or too late?”

There is really no set answer to this. But I know a lot of people (myself included) who suffered serious setbacks during their separation when they asked for this too soon. People say that you will never know unless you ask. But, in this case, asking does not come without risk. Because him saying no is only the tip of the iceberg. He may be so uncomfortable that he backs away or worse begins to avoid you and limit your access to him. If you are having a decent amount of give and take right now and you are enjoying a decent amount of access to him, I would be very careful about potentially moving too soon.

I know that this is probably not what you want to hear, but if I had to do it all over again during my own separation, I would have waited and allowed my husband to be the one to ask me. Because it wasn’t until I stopped and allowed him to initiate the contact for a while that I gained any ground. But when I pushed and pursued, he only ran away from me faster.

The other option is to build up to dating or asking him out. What I mean by this is instead of planning an elaborate dinner that might imply a lot of pressure start with something smaller and work your way up to this. Maybe just spontaneously ask if he wants to get a cup of coffee or offer to make him a snack if he’s at your house anyway. The idea is to extend the time that you are already spending together. That way, there’s no real risk of a huge rejection or him pulling away and it seems like a natural progression.

If you don’t like any of these suggestions and are still wondering when is the appropriate time to ask your separated spouse out on a date, my answer to this is when you know, without any doubt, that your spouse is going to say yes. And sometimes, over time, this becomes obvious and you can have this type of certainty. But until that time, I would wait and try to build upon what you already have until either he asks you or until you have absolute confidence that he is going to say yes.

I know that you might think this sounds very insensitive of me. And I apologize for this because I know how badly you want to reestablish a connection. I have been there too. But I also know how delicate a situation this is. And I know how badly it hurts when you push a little too fast and then find your husband not only not wanting to go our with you just yet, but also backing away. If things are bad now, I can tell you the second scenario feels much worse.

In my experience, there is much less risk in moving too late as opposed to too soon. To minimize this risk, it’s best to wait for him to ask, set it up so that the dates are just little outings that you are not calling dates, or wait and build on what you have already been successful in establishing.

If only I had done what I just advised you to do.  But I did not.  And before I knew it, I had nothing left on which to build.   Moving slowly would have been best, but I rushed.  I was eventually successful in getting him to pursue me but not without starting all over. You’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Some separated spouses have more than one attempt at a reconciliation. It would be wonderful if your good intentions were all you needed to successfully reconcile. But for many, this is just not the case. Sometimes, one of the spouses changes their mind – which is very painful for all involved. And if the spouse changes their mind back and wants to eventually reconcile once again, there can be some doubts about that same spouse’s sincerity.

Someone might address a concern like: “I’d love to believe that my spouse genuinely wants to get back together with me. But I’ve been down this road before and I have been hurt as the result. A couple of months ago, he told me that he thought he wanted to reconcile, but he said that he wasn’t ready to just move back in. He wanted to take it slowly. I wasn’t completely happy with this because I felt like I’d been patient all along, but I didn’t feel that I had much of a choice. So I complied. Things seemed to go OK for a couple of weeks and then he told me that he was changing his mind. This was extremely painful. I felt like he’d almost lied to me or that he should not have said anything until he was absolutely sure. Well, last night we went out for drinks and he may have had a little too much alcohol. By the end of the night, he was blabbing again about wanting to save our marriage. I thought that it was only the alcohol talking. But then this morning he called me and he asked me if I had given any consideration to reconciling. I told him that it was very hard for me to take him seriously when he bailed out on me before. He asked what he needed to do to prove this to me. I want to say that he needs to move back home, but I don’t want to push my luck. What can he do to prove to me that he is serious about reconciling?”

Frankly, the most reassuring thing to me was time. The more time that went by with my husband and I getting along well, the more confident I was that it was actually going to work. But, there are probably some overtures that he could make that would make you feel more secure. I will discuss some of them below.

Make A Noticeable Effort To Spend Meaningful And Significant Time With You: I agree that it can be risky to push your spouse to move back in before he is ready. I’ve seen so many reconciliation attempts go sour this way. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t spend a lot of time together. When you are attempting to reconcile, the idea is to spend more and more time together until the transition to moving back in would be easy. So you don’t want to see your spouse still taking lots of “space” or not spending free time with you. Because this would indicate that he isn’t as serious as he might have lead you to believe. When someone is serious about reconciling, they work to clear their calendars for you. They put some thought and effort into the time that the two of you are spending together.

You Don’t Sense Him Waffling Too Much On His Feelings: Quite frankly, it is normal to have doubts when you’re attempting to reconcile. So much is at stake here. I wanted my husband back more than anything. And yet, I was always afraid that something would go wrong. I did not doubt my feelings about him or about our marriage. I simply doubted that things were actually going to work. I was always so paranoid of something going wrong. So while you may see your spouse act a little hesitant about everything falling into place, you shouldn’t feel tons of doubts about his feelings for you. There is bound to be some doubt. Because you are separated and the relationship is fragile. Still, I like to believe that most people can feel the difference between a little hesitation and a huge lack of feelings. You might both have some concern about having success. But you shouldn’t have concern about the fact that the will is there. You should be able to feel his sincerity and the fact that his feelings, though fragile, are real.

You’re Seeing Obvious And Undeniable Improvement: Generally speaking, when both people want to reconcile, they are both on their best behavior and they are both making every effort to ensure that this works. That’s why at this time you should see (and feel) a definite improvement in your situation. Things should no longer feel nearly as tense. It should be clear that things are improving. It should feel hopeful. Most people can just sense that things are changing – even if a few challenges crop up along the way.

In short, you should be seeing sincere behavior and obvious attempts on his part to make you feel reassured. You can’t expect for everything to be perfect. But you should feel relief because most of the time, you can just feel the tide shift.

I did feel a shift in my marriage as a reconciliation was approaching.  But it took a while before I had complete confidence.  It always helped when my husband reassured me.  But time did more than anything else.You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who are going through a marital separation. This often brings about a slew of questions about etiquette and the correct or appropriate way to act. Couples often have marital habits and traditions and they aren’t sure how to approach these things when they are separated. One example of this is when one of the spouses has a birthday.

I might hear from someone who says: “my husband and I have been married for eight years. And for every one of those eight years, I have made a very big deal out of his birthday. Every year, I give him a card and in that card are clues where he can find a bunch of gifts. There is a clue for the next gift hidden in the first gift and so on. My husband has always enjoyed this tradition and I love planning it, writing the clues, and hiding the gifts. This year, however, we are separated. My husband told me he needed some time and I later found out that he had been involved with someone else, although he claims that all of that is now over and that his wanting a separation isn’t the result of any other person. We do not talk as much as I would like, but we do talk every couple of days. The last time we talked, I asked my husband what he wanted to do about our birthday tradition. He said that his mother asked him to spend his birthday with her and that he’s just not up for the scavenger hunt this year. This hurts me so badly. By no means do I think that one little scavenger hunt is going to bring us back together, but I don’t see what harm it would bring to just look for a couple of gifts during one day. At the same time, one of my friends told me that I shouldn’t go against his wishes. She said why cause a huge argument when all I have to do is to listen to his input? I suppose she is right but I hate this. What are you supposed to do when one spouse has a birthday during the martial separation?”

Honestly, there are no set rules of etiquette here. In the best case scenario, the spouses talk openly about this and they decide on a celebration that they both agree with in accordance to their comfort levels. In the worst case scenario, no one talks about it and one spouse decides the course of action on their own and upsets the other. I have seen people chose to ignore their separated spouse’s birthday which results in resentment and hurt feelings. And I have seen people act as if nothing has changed and have that decision not go over so well.

That’s why it’s very important to talk openly and honestly and then to accept your spouse’s feedback, even if you do not agree with it. I know that it might be very tempting to just go ahead with the scavenger hunt in the hopes that it will bring about good memories and reignite your bond. But it can go the other way too. Your husband can get angry that you didn’t listen to his input and that you overstepped the boundaries.

I’ve always felt that the best way to handle this is to acknowledge your spouse’s birthday and to stress that you are thinking about them and you hope that they day turns out exactly as they want it to, but you never want to directly ignore the directive that they have given you. Because this just makes them feel like you aren’t listening or you don’t care what they want since you only care about your own agenda.

Instead, I would suggest trying to strike a balance. I would suggest mailing or sending a card or gift depending on what you feel is appropriate. And I would write something like: “I hope that your day unfolds exactly as you want it to and that you know that I am thinking about you today. I hope that we can resume our scavenger hunt next year, but please know that the spirit of the hunt continues on. Happy birthday.”

This shows him that you are respecting his wishes, that you want to acknowledge his birthday, and that you still hope that things might change. I know that it stinks to have to delay or halt your traditions. But in my experience, it’s better to do as he has requested rather than to go ahead with your own agenda and make him think that he hasn’t been heard.

There were some traditional holidays and events that I had to miss during my own separation.  But once we reconciled, we picked them back up.  It was a rough time for a while, but it’s important to not make it worse by not listening to your spouse’s input.  You’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who are grateful that their spouse has stuck with them during difficult times. They realize that they should count their blessings as far as their marriage is concerned. But many are concerned that at some time in the near future, their luck is going to run out. Because they have a hard time understanding the logic behind their spouse’s decision to always stand behind them regardless of what is happening in their lives.

A good example is the wife who says: “I don’t want to sound as if I am complaining because I am not. I have been married for about five years but I dated my husband for a couple of years before that. I will admit right off that my life is a mess. I come from a very dysfunctional family and there is always a lot of drama surrounding this. There is never quiet times for us. It is always chaos. On top of this, I have an addictive personality. I struggle with addictions to shopping, food, and bad habits. My spending has put us in debt and my husband always has to deal with one crisis after another with me. Lately, he has been more and more frustrated with me and somewhere deep down, I feel as if he might leave me one day. And I would not blame him. Because I don’t know why he stays with me. Sometimes, I think his life would be much simpler without me in it. Sometimes, I think that it is only the fear of the unknown that keeps him by my side. And often times, I feel that if he got a better offer or if someone else came along, he would be gone.”

I could understand this wife’s thinking. I think that we have all had bad days, weeks, or months in our marriage where we worry that our spouse might think that his life would be better if we were not in it. But when this goes on for quite a long time, it can become all that you are thinking about and you can find yourself walking around all of the time with a sense of dread and fear. That’s not good for you. And it’s also not good for your marriage. So, I would suggest a change in thinking, which I will outline below.

Understand That Your Spouse Is Still There Because He Wants To Be: I hear from a lot of spouses who tell me that they don’t know why their spouse is still with them, why he has stuck with them, or what keeps him from leaving. Although I concede that every situation is unique and there are often multifaceted reasons that people leave or stay in their marriage,s I believe the bottom line is that people stay because they want to.

If they weren’t getting some payoff, some fulfillment, or something valuable to them in terms of the marriage, then there wouldn’t be incentive to stay. I think it’s a mistake to assume that your spouse stays with you only out of the kindness of his heart or because he has no other options. He’s an adult. If he were truly getting nothing out of this, he likely would not stay.

Look At What You Can Immediately Change: That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have concern or that you can not change this. I realize that your dysfunctional family is not your fault. You can not chose your family. But, you can chose how you respond to them. It may be that you have to distance yourself for a while or learn not to engage when the dysfunction is at its worst. You don’t have to buy into the drama. You can support your family while not getting sucked into the negative aspects of it.

As far as your addictions, overcoming them isn’t an easy process but it certainly is not impossible. People address and overcome their addictions every day. People improve their lives every day. Identifying and wanting to change the problem is the first step. And you have powerful motivation. You have a loyal, wonderful husband who you feel deserves better. Well, as luck would have it, you have the ability to ensure that he gets better.

You already see what needs to be done because you have identified the problems in very distinct detail. Now, the next step would be to really address it. Counseling can really help with this, and I would highly recommend it, but I have seen very determined people do this on their own by taking one issue at a time and not stopping until they have seen real change.  They always ask their spouses to give them feedback as to what is working and what is not.

The bottom line is that the real best course of action right now is to not to continue to endlessly question why your husband is still with you. Instead, I would consider setting it up so that you no longer give yourself reasons to ask this question. Become the wife that your husband would be honored to be with. Give him the partner you know he deserves. Take the energy that you spend worrying about this and feeling pain because of it and invest that on making real change.

I speak from experience when I tell you that it is a mistake to assume that your husband will always be there.  My husband eventually got tired of my drama and we separated.  Eventually, I got my act together and we reconciled.  But I could have saved all of us so much turmoil by taking inventory in the beginning.  You’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s very common to be annoyed by your spouse’s behavior during a marital or trial separation. After all, you’re likely been watching his behaviors very closely and deeply analyzing them. And this is probably because you are looking for clues as to what your husband might do next or as to how he might be feeling. But this isn’t always an easy process, and this is especially true if you find your spouse’s behavior off-putting in some way. A common example is the wife who feels that her separated husband is acting in a very immature and juvenile way.

I might hear that same wife say: “I know that this is going to sound a little harsh, but my husband’s behavior during our separation is absolutely repulsive. He is acting like a teenager with acne. Sometimes, whenever I call him, I can hear silly movies or cartoons playing the background. The other day, I came over and he had a bunch of guys over and they were eating pizza, drinking beer, and playing video games. He now spends his Friday nights going out to sporting events and staying out until all hours of the night. It’s really annoying. I have been wanting my husband back during this entire separation. But lately, I am starting to have my doubts. To be quite honest, I want a grown man back, not a teenaged boy. Why is he acting this way? And will he ever stop?”

Believe it or not, this isn’t at all uncommon. I have a couple of theories as to why some men act this way. And I will share them now.

He’s Simply Blowing Off Steam: People act differently when they are under a high amount of stress or they are going through a life crisis. Women will often buckle down and become quite serious. Men can act in the opposite way. Why? Because this is a painful time for everyone and it is a time that is chock full of uncertainty.  Because of this, it is likely that he is drawing on things that give him simple pleasures. And sometimes, simple pleasures for a man are things that we women can see as immature. He may not be completely proud of his behavior, but it may also be bringing him a bit of relief.

He May Be Testing Out His Freedom: Many men seek separations because they want more space or because they want to feel more like an individual and less like a couple, at least for a little while. And that is why it might be attractive to him to fully embrace this space. He may relish doing the things that you would normally tease him about or look down on. It is like being a teenager when your parents are out of town. You are going to test the boundaries simply because you can and because you are no longer under the watchful eye of someone else. Is this behavior to be proud of? No, it’s not. But it’s what happens sometimes. Luckily, if this is the reason your husband is acting this way, it usually doesn’t last for very long because the novelty eventually wears off.

His Behavior May Be An Extension Of His Mid Life Crisis: Some men want separations as they are beginning to feel like they are living their father’s life. They look at what they have accomplished and they are disappointed in some way or they wonder “is this all there is?” As a response to this, they will sometimes look to shed some of their responsibilities and to start living life placing a focus on what makes them happy. And that is why you see them focusing on everything but being a responsible adult. Again, I know that this is frustrating, but this kind of behavior can wane as soon as the thinking behind his mid like crisis wanes, which it usually eventually does.

So how do you handle this? I know that it is tempting to draw his attention to how stupid you think his behavior is, but I rarely see that strategy work out very well. I see people have more success with just ignoring the problem and waiting for it to pass. Frankly, sometimes he is acting in this way hoping to get a reaction out of you. If you don’t engage, then the whole reason for the behavior vanishes which means that he might stop.

It’s always been my thinking that dealing with your spouse during a separation can be hard enough without reacting to every little behavior that confuses you, hurts you, or angers you. Sometimes, you just need to pick your battles. And to me, this is not one of the battles. You don’t want to put yourself in a position where you are acting like your husband’s mother. And frankly, he could be doing a lot worse things than hanging out with his friends and playing games. At least you are communicating regularly, you know what he is doing, and you know who he is doing it with.

My husband exhibited a lot of frustrating behaviors during our separation.  Early on, I pointed out and picked apart every one.  But I learned to pick my battles very carefully.  And this helped quite a bit and eventually lead to us reconciling.  You’re welcome to read more about how I accomplished this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Even women who consider themselves independent and self sufficient can struggle after their husband leaves them or initiates a marital separation.  You don’t know what tomorrow will bring, you’re lonely, you’re scared, and you’re often feeling abandoned.  But, you usually can see that when you act in the way that you are feeling, your husband doesn’t like it.  Seeing you this way forces him to come face to face with his actions and this brings about feelings of guilt that he’d rather not feel.  So it can become obvious that you need to get a handle on your emotions.  But this is often easier said than done.

Someone might say: “since my husband left me, I am a mess.  I am not normally like this.  My husband often traveled for long periods of time.  So it wasn’t like I depended on him for everything.  I can run the house by myself. I am more than capable of that.  It’s not really a matter of being physically strong.  It is a matter of being emotionally strong.  I cry all of the time. I call him more than I should. I can’t keep my train of thought.  It’s hard for me to act like myself at work or even in front of my friends.  I know that I have to stop this.  But I’m having trouble doing so.  How do you stay strong when your husband leaves you?”

I can’t pretend to be an authority on this.  I too was a mess when my husband left me.  And if I am being honest, I have to say that probably the only thing that forced me to pick myself up was the fact that I knew I had to.  My husband did not react well to my crying, stumbling self.  Every time I presented myself in this way, he avoided me or so clearly was annoyed, that it became obvious that I was never going to get him back that way.  Plus, eventually, I just got tired of feeling helpless.  What I did was more of an accident than any grand plan on my part. But here are some things that worked for me.

Know That Showing Strength Might Help With The Separation:  You probably already know this, but men often don’t see women who can’t stand on their own two feet as attractive.  Seeing you cry and make him feel guilty probably isn’t much of a turn on to him.  And if you act strong, you will often feel strong eventually.

Remember What Is Still Going Right:  I know that when your husband leaves, it can feel like life has stopped.  But it hasn’t.  The sun is probably still shining.  There are every day miracles happening all around you.  Sure, it’s hard to notice these things when you feel like you do, but they are all around you.  And you can see and experience them because you are alive.  You probably still have family and friends that love you.  You probably have the ability to do things that you enjoy.  And, not every one can say this.  So it’s important to put that into perspective.  Regardless of what is going on with your marriage, you are still a human being who has a lot to contribute to the world.  Appreciate that fact. Enjoy that fact.  Even though one aspect of your life is struggling (your marriage) this doesn’t mean that every area of your life has to fall.  What things can you still enjoy?  What areas of your life can you bump up right now while you are waiting for your marriage to resolve itself?

Do Not Allow Yourself To Dwell:  It’s very tempting to eat cold cereal while watching bad sitcom reruns.  Sometimes, this is about all you can muster.  But giving in to this does very little to make you feel better.  It simply feeds into the cycle.  There were times when I literally had to force myself to accept the invitations of friends and family.  But once I started to do this, I felt better.  And once I felt better, my husband noticed and become receptive to me again.  What can you do that will get out of the house and feel like you are moving forward?  For some people, this is exercise.  For others, it is volunteering.  Other people connect with friends. Yet others pursue art or other hobbies.  Some people find that it’s helpful to try something new.  If my separation had never happened, I would not have gotten back into fitness.  And this has been a gift to me.  I’ve never been horribly unhealthy.  But once married, I stopped making exercise a high priority.  I was not fat, but I was far from fit.  I initially started doing yoga and Pilates for stress relief and just to have something to do.  But they transformed my body and my mind.  And they have stuck.  I would never give them up, even though my marriage is now fine.  Everyone has something like this. They key is finding it or rediscovering it again.

I know that if you are reading this you might doubt that these things will make you feel stronger.  But try them anyway.  What do you have to lose?  Allowing yourself to feel weak and lost is not helpful on so many levels.  It’s not good for your marriage.  And it’s certainly not good for you.  I believe that we all deserve better.  Now, it’s just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other and continue walking until you feel strong again.

I know it’s hard.  I can’t tell you that it isn’t.  But what is the alternative? Feeling bad and staying stuck doesn’t help either.  So you may as well get moving, keep busy, and focus on the positive. You can read more about how I attempted to do these things on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Often, when you are separated but still invested in your marriage, a reconciliation is all that you can think about. That reconciliation can seem like the end of the rainbow or the end goal that requires that you overcome countless obstacles. Many people figure that if they can somehow just get to that point of reconciliation, the rest will take care of itself and you will finally be on track once again. But sometimes, you don’t anticipate that your feelings might change, evolve or become confused.

To demonstrate, I might hear from a wife who says: “for the first month or so of our separation, all I could think about was how I was going to convince my husband to reconcile with me. Every time we got together, I would try to make sure that things went well between us. I missed my husband so much but I tried not to come across as needy. Very gradually, things began to slowly improve between us. Admittedly, we only saw one another a couple of times per week, but when we did, I always felt encouraged. This went on for a few months. During that time, I began to get a little more independent. I started enjoying going out with friends more. Last week, my husband said he would be open to a reconciliation. I was thrilled. We agreed that we would see each other regularly for a couple of months and then if things are still going well, he will move back home. The problem is that things don’t feel the way that I hoped. I assumed that we would resume the easy rapport we had. But, that hasn’t happened. Things feel awkward instead. On the days I’m supposed to see my husband, I find myself wishing I could go out with my friends, where I feel more relaxed. I’m not sure about my feelings anymore. I think that I still want to reconcile, but I’m bothered that my feelings aren’t what I expected.”

Believe it or not, this is a very common problem. When you spend so much time apart and when so much is at stake because of the attempted reconciliation, emotions are bound to be high. And things are often awkward because both parties are concerned about how the other is feeling.  So the fact that your feelings are all over the place doesn’t make you unusual in the least. This is very common.

When my husband and I first began the process of reconciling, I was always worried that he was going to change his mind or back out. So I was always insecure and needy. Of course, as a result, he pulled away from me and there were moments during our reconciliation when things almost fell apart.

However, we were committed to trying to see this through so we both told one another that we would hang in there for a certain amount of time and not make any drastic decisions until then. I have never regretted that because, although we did have some rough weeks, eventually things ironed themselves out and our reconciliation was successful. We are still together today.

I tell you this because I would suggest that it is a good idea to attempt to see this through. We often are tempted to walk away just as we are getting what we want. This type of self sabotage is so very common. Just as we begin to get a taste of what we’ve been waiting for, we worry that it will not work out or that we don’t deserve it or that maybe we should quit now in order to spare ourselves some pain.

I don’t think it hurts to just keep going and see what happens. Frankly, I think it’s possible things feel awkward because suddenly, there is more pressure on the situation. When you were seeing one another a couple times per week, there was less pressure. So it was easier to have a light hearted, good time. But when you ratchet up the interactions, the pressure also rises. And this is why you get that awkwardness. I think that it might be helpful to step back and to tell yourself that nothing is set in stone. You can always reevaluate later if you need to. Right now, I would try to focus on things from one day to the next. Don’t look too far ahead or risk sabotage. Just remind yourself that you have reached your goal and you are going to enjoy this.

Know that your feelings may need a while to sort themselves out. It may take getting into a comfortable routine where you know what to expect so that your comfort level increases. And once this happens, your feelings should become more stable also. But, at least in my opinion, bowing out so early in the process when it’s normal to have conflicting feelings, would be leaving the game too early.

I don’t mean to make light of your feelings.  But in my experience, feelings can change and stabilize quite quickly.You’re welcome to read more about my own reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s very normal to want a quick resolution after your spouse leaves you or pursues a separation. I know first hand that it feels as if your world has been turned upside down. Nothing feels routine anymore and you can’t focus on any task at hand because your marriage and trying to resolve it takes up all of your thoughts. So of course, you’re going to want to do whatever you can to move along a resolution as quickly as possible. Talking to your spouse is a good start. But many of us want to see him face to face. Many of us want to look him in the eye and attempt to gauge why he has done this. And we hope that by seeing him, we can tell what he might be feeling now. But what happens when he doesn’t want to see you?

I might hear from a wife who explains this situation this way: “I have known that for the past two months, my husband was probably going to leave me. He has the right to be furious with me. I almost cheated on him. But it was only one inappropriate encounter that didn’t lead to anything and it happened when I was under a huge amount of stress. My mother was sick so I went home to care for her for a little while. When I was there, I spent time with an old boyfriend. I didn’t intend to cheat but I was under so much strain with my mom. It only happened one time and I told my husband immediately. But he was understandably devastated and he has been very distant to me since then. He didn’t pretend that he was going to stay. He told me very frankly that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to stay married to me or if he wanted to save our marriage. That’s why I wasn’t totally surprised when I came home to find a note saying that he left me. And I even understand why he did it. But I don’t want for this to mean the end of our marriage. I’d like for us to at least keep in close touch during our separation. So I called my husband and I asked him out to lunch. He told me that he just isn’t ready to see me yet. And he wouldn’t or couldn’t clarify what he meant by that. So I’m not sure what to do now. It hurts me that he won’t even see me. I’m still his wife.”

I understand how much this must hurt. My own husband initiated a separation in my own marriage. And that time period (where I was living alone) was one of the most lonely that I can ever remember. With that said, in the beginning of the process, every time my husband would insist that he needed or wanted some time, I would push him. Because I felt rejected every time he said that. And I felt like every time he said this, I was losing him just a little bit more.

But I couldn’t help but notice that when I pushed, the relationship between us got more nonexistent. It took more effort on my part to even get him to take my calls, much less to see me. So, honestly because I didn’t feel that I had much of a choice in the matter, I conceded and gave my husband space. I didn’t want to do this. And because I knew that it was going to be such a challenge, I literally stayed hours away in order to force myself to back off. This was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But it also turned out to be one of the best things I’ve ever done. Because it lead the way to my husband not only being receptive to me again, but to eventually being the one to pursue me.

I can’t promise that the same will happen here. But I can say that if your spouse (who is undoubtably hurting right now) is asking for a little time, I would think about complying with this. He’s not saying that he never wants to see you again. He’s just saying that he is not quite ready yet. If you feel that you want to reach out, then maybe you send a card or text or keep in touch by phone. But I know in my own situation if I would have just shown up when my husband said he wasn’t ready for a face to face meeting, it likely would have only made things worse.

I can’t guess what will happen, But I think that if he’s asking for a bit of time, that’s a fair request considering the circumstances. I’d suggest considering complying and then continuing to reach out to him in other ways.

I don’t mean to sound insensitive because I know that this hurts.  But I also know that pushing too hard will often make things worse. And I know that backing off can sometimes make things better. You’re welcome to read more about how I handled this situation in my own life on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  When your spouse has communicated that he’s unhappy and may want some time apart, often your greatest wish is to have the time to change his mind.  You hope that you will know when it is coming and that, if it becomes a reality, he will sit you down and explain it well before he goes or leaves for a separation.  That’s why it can be so disappointing when the separation is initiated by something very impersonal like a note, or worse, by a text.

Someone might explain: “I can’t claim that this separation caught me completely off guard.  I knew that it was a possibility.  But I fully expected for my husband to communicate in person.  I thought that before he left, he would tell me that he was going to go, like any considerate person would.  Imagine my surprise when I received a text while I was at work.  Honestly, I didn’t even read it right away because I assumed it was about something mundane like stopping to get milk. I was wrong though.  It was my husband telling me that he was going ahead with the separation and leaving the home at this exact moment.  So what am I supposed to do? Text him back something equally as stupid as: ‘ok. I get it. We are officially separated.’  I am disappointed on so many levels.  I didn’t expect the separation to come so soon.  In fact, I’d hoped that it wouldn’t come at all.  I thought I would have some warning.  And I certainly never expected to receive notification of a separation by text.  I am just not sure how to handle this.  Does he respect me that little?  We’ve been married for a while.  It is not like we are teenagers.  Things were good between us for so long.  Until they weren’t.”

I know that this feels very disappointing and disrespectful.  It feels like he didn’t care enough to look you in the face when he did this. But, I think if a reconciliation is still very important to you, then you’re going to have to place your focus more on what to now than on how this came about.  Yes, the text is not ideal.  But I think you have to move on and think of it like any other form of communication in today’s electronic society.  Unfortunately, we live in a world today where people see text as a perfectly acceptable form of communication, especially when emotions run high and they feel that they are able to say what needs to be said quickly and efficiently.   He may have not that you were going to get very upset and he figured that it was best to take the emotion out of it. I am not defending him.  I am just exploring why he may have gone with a text.

I would think that at this point, the focus should be on seeing him face to face in the near future in order to get more information.  Or at least moving toward that.  So you may text back something like: “I see.  Well, some time soon, I’d like to talk to you about setting some guidelines as to how this might work.  I understand that you want space, but I don’t want to leave things open ended between us.  I think it would avoid a lot of confusion if we could define some things.”  Then ask him when he could meet you or at least talk on the phone briefly.

When this meeting happens, ask him how often he’d like to talk or meet.  I believe that setting these types of guidelines can be vital to having a successful separation.  If you leave it open ended, then people tend to go long stretches without seeing or talking to one another.  Ultimately, if you agree that you’ll talk every few days, then you can tone down the panic and actually make some progress.

If your husband tells you that he just isn’t ready to talk yet, then it’s probably best not to push.  In fact, not applying too much pressure too soon is something else that can become very important.  I made the mistake of panicking and trying to pressure my husband.  And the result was that he started to avoid me at all costs.

You probably don’t want this.  To avoid it, try to set up a schedule now.  But if he isn’t receptive just yet, think about going ahead and offering that space.  Work on yourself.  Surround yourself with supportive friends and family members. Do what makes you happy and allows you to feel a sense of empowerment and control.

I know that receiving a text was not a promising way to start this whole thing.  But, now is the time to try to turn the tone of this around.  It was a bad start, sure, but you don’t want it to be a bad finish.  So as shocking and as hurtful as this is, try to get your bearings quickly.  And try not to dwell on the fact that your husband handled this incorrectly.  What’s happened can’t be taken back.  At this point, you just have to deal with it as positively as you can because that will help you have a quicker and more successful reconciliation in the long run.

I wish that I’d taken my own advice.  I panicked and pressured from the beginning of my separation.  And it nearly cost me my marriage. You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When your spouse tells you that he wants a divorce, many people assume the worst. Some picture themselves living as a single person or a single parent in the not too distant future. So, when after some time their spouse has not yet filled for divorce, it can be very confusing for them and they can begin to wonder about their spouse’s motivations. Is he not filing because he’s not sure that this is what he really wants? Is he stalling just to save money for a while? Is he getting ready to file but not telling you?

To demonstrate, I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband and I were separated for about five weeks before he told me that he didn’t think that the separation was working and he wanted a divorce. I was really holding out hope during our separation. I will admit that we had some bad days where we fought. But we also had some good days where we connected and actually had romantic feelings, which my husband went so far as to admit. So because of this, I had hoped that things would not only improve for us, but that there would be no need for a divorce. Obviously, I was wrong about that. Last week, he told me that he just doesn’t see any of this working and that he is going to go ahead and pursue a divorce. But this morning, when I asked him if and when he has filed, he told me that he has not filed. I didn’t press any more than this, because I am glad that he has not filed. But, why wouldn’t he have filed? Is he changing his mind? Can I rest easy now?”

I am not sure that resting easy in any situation similar to this is the best idea. A separation is serious. A proposed divorced is serious. This is especially true if you are still invested in your marriage and want to save it. With this said, there are many reasons that he may not have filed. I will go over some of them below.

He Is Possibly Having Mixed Feelings: Of course, this is the possibility that most of us hope for. We hope that he’s not immediately filing because he has some doubts. The fact that the wife said that the two of them shared some romantic interactions during their separation could make this scenario more likely. He likely understands, as you do, that filing for and then getting a divorce is a very serious step. Much of the time, there is no going back from this, although some couples do end up reconciling. In this case, it’s advisable to be grateful for the reprieve and to not push. You don’t want to continue to ask him why he hasn’t filed on the chance that he will go ahead and file just top stop the questions. You are better off trying to recreate the promising encounters that you have had so that you put even more doubt in his mind.

He Is Possibly Getting Things Lined Up: Many people want to do their research first before they actually file for divorce. After all, divorce is costly both emotionally and financially. So it makes sense to make sure that you have the best attorney who can guide you in the filing for divorce in a way that cuts down on both the financial and emotional costs. He may also need to find a new place to live, which also takes time. I am not saying that this is true or even a good guess. But some people do delay filing for a divorce until they have set things up so that the transition is as smooth as it can possible be.

His Threat To File For A Divorce Was Just Strategic Posturing: Some people who tell their spouse’s that they are going to file for divorce never actually file at all. They say that they are going to file because they are looking to get some sort of reaction out of their spouse or they are hoping that the fear of them filing for a divorce will inspire their spouse to get more serious about ending the separation or to act in a more desirable way. I have no way of knowing if this was the case here. But it is a possibility. I’ve heard of many situations where one spouse threatens to file and never does. The intention all of the time is to scare the other spouse into acting in a different way or to be more accommodating. If you suspect that this is a possibility, I’d suggest asking yourself what might be his motivations. Is he looking for reassurance that you don’t want a divorce? Is there an issue that you haven’t been willing to compromise on? Are you willing to compromise on it now?

These are all just possibilities. You will likely get a more definitive answer in the days to come. But until then, I would suggest remaining calm. And I would suggest trying to repeat the behaviors that lead to those promising days during the separation.  I know it’s tempting to demand more information or to ask him when, exactly, he is filing.  But doing this only makes his timely filing more likely.

When I was in this situation, I didn’t dare ask my husband when he was filing. I didn’t want to push him to actually file.  Instead, I saw this as additional time that I had to change things.  And I eventually used this to my advantage because we reconciled.  You’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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