My Spouse Says I’m Too Controlling During Our Separation
By: Leslie Cane: There are many conflicts that can crop up during a marital separation. One very common one – particularly when the spouse who initiated the separation wants space – can be that of control. Sometimes, there is one spouse who wants the separation and another who does not. The resistant spouse usually wants for things to remain the same – at least as much as is possible. In concrete terms, this can be a wife who still wants regular access to her husband. She wants to function as a family for the sake of the kids. And she wants to feel like an active participant in her marriage. She wants all of these things because she still has some hope for her marriage and for the future of her family. It is important to understand this because it allows one to see WHY she might attempt to control the behaviors and feelings of her husband. She can worry that if she doesn’t attempt to reign him in, she may end up losing him.
As a result, she may have concerns about her husband’s new lifestyle or behaviors. She may want to cling tightly to the way that things were while her husband wants to experiment with how things could be. As you might suspect, this conflict might cause her husband to feel that she’s controlling, and, as a result, he may pull away even more.
The wife might describe the situation this way: “I just got into a huge argument with my separated husband. We have been separated for nearly five weeks, but he acts as if he just moved out this weekend. He still acts like this is all shiny and new. It’s been over a month at this point. Shouldn’t he know how he feels yet? I realize that he is demanding his space. But is this my kids’ fault? It’s not, which is why I push to keep many things the same. For example, I still want to attend church as a family on Sundays and then have dinner with my parents. I want to speak to him at regular times. When I ask him how he spent his weekend, I would like to know. I believe that I have a right to know if he is seeing someone else as this could most certainly affect myself and my kids. I want him to continue to be involved with certain aspects of the household. However, my husband bristles at all of this. He says that he doesn’t feel as if I’m giving even an inch in terms of allowing him any space. He says that I am more controlling than ever and that this is part of the problem. I don’t mean to be controlling. But I am trying to maintain normalcy for my kids. What is wrong with that? Does making my kids a priority during this separation make me controlling?”
I don’t think that it does. But I am not your husband, so my perception does not matter here. More importantly, your husband’s perception can mean everything, so it is vital to come up with a way that you can both get some of what you want and remain comfortable, connected, and working as a team.
Understand How Fiercely A Separated Husband Can Guard His Space: Many newly-separated husbands can be very, very protective of their space – so much so that they can be a bit paranoid about it. Sometimes, they will accuse you of overstepping when in fact you are just trying to be inclusive. They often suspect that you won’t give them what they’ve asked for so they’re just waiting for you to do anything that confirms this suspicion.
If you’re thinking that this is in no way fair, you’re right. But know that if you get defensive, it will likely only get worse and your husband may begin to think that you are never going to give him the space he wants until he takes it from you. How does this look? I know first hand. This happened to me during my own separation. Your husband will become secretive and will try to avoid you. If you think that things are bad now, I promise that they can get worse. If you have regular contact, then you really need to guard that fiercely, which leads me to my next point.
Finding Compromises That Everyone Can Live With: I completely understand wanting to keep things as stable as possible for your kids. That’s completely legitimate. But a husband who is clinging to (and feels protective of) his space may sometimes accuse you of using your kids to have access to him. So you have to be careful with this. My suggestion would be that when you feel his resistance (or he verbalizes this to you,) that you try something like, “Do you have a second? It’s obvious that we’re not in sync with contact right now. It’s also obvious that I’m trying to maintain some things for the sake of our kids. What are you comfortable with in terms of contact and communication? What can we agree upon?”
Listen to what he has to say and speak up if there’s something that you need to say. Ideally, perhaps you can keep some of what is important to you and give him a little more of what he wants. Perhaps you keep the church schedule but you skip his presence at the dinner with your parents if he balks at this. Perhaps you agree as to when you will speak without fail and then during other times, you will wait for him to call you. Maybe you let the kids call or visit him without your presence so he can’t accuse you of using them to gain access.
In short, you sometimes have to back away some in order to make progress. I know that this is difficult and scary. But I also know the mindset of some separated husbands who are clinging to space. The last thing you want is for him to start to become secretive and to back away. When this happens, it can be very difficult to get back to your original position. It can actually be easier to willingly give up a little – at least for a little while – and then regroup once he gets this out of his system.
You don’t want him to see you as the person who stands between himself and his happiness. If you remain positive and try to work with him while maintaining some flexible but decent contact, then he has no reason to see you as a threat or to pull away from you. I wish I hadn’t learned this the hard way. Luckily, after I backed off some, my husband and I did reconcile. You can read about how I pulled this off at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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