Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are upset and somewhat shocked to suddenly be facing the reality that their spouse is threatening to divorce them because of a character trait that their spouse finds annoying. I find that one of the most common character traits in this category is anger, unhappiness, or pessimism.

Here’s an example that I might hear. “Last night, my husband told me that he was considering filing for divorce. I have to say that I was shocked by this although I know that he’s sometimes unhappy with me. His reason for wanting out of the marriage is that I am apparently ‘an unhappy person’ who brings him down. There’s a little background here. I don’t want to sound as if I am defending myself but my husband has been trying to start his own business to sell one of his inventions. At first, I supported him. But then he cut back on his paid work in order to devote more time to his dream. Once it became clear to me that he was putting our financial future in jeopardy, I felt that I had to say something. I told him that he needed to be realistic and that we could not afford to jeopardize real money that we have coming in to support our family on something that might not ever pay out. I have no problem with him working on the invention on weekends or evenings. But I feel that it’s selfish for him to diminish his income pursuing something that is only a dream. He says that I take joy in dashing his hopes and dreams. He says that I am a negative and unhappy person who is always going to look at or point out the pessimistic side of things. He says he can’t take my attitude anymore because it is hard enough to hold onto his dream when I’m always bringing him down. I will admit that I am a realist and he is a dreamer. But I don’t think that we need to end our marriage over this. I admit that I tend to look at the negative side of things, but that’s because I don’t want for anyone to set their sights too high and be disappointed. How can I turn this situation around?”

It can feel very personal when your spouse is not only being critical of who you are, but is also using this as justification to divorce or leave you. It’s one thing to identify a breakdown or serious issue within your marriage. And it is another thing when that same issue relates to your makeup or identify as a person. You’re often left feeling that you are a in a no win situation, as it’s not really realistic (or fair) to ask you to change who you are at the core.

However, as daunting as all of this sounds, I believe that there are things that you can do in order to turn it around. I’ll discuss this more below.

Understand That People Will Pull Away From Anything That Makes Pulls Them Down, Especially If They Are Struggling To Stay Afloat Emotionally: I’m was sure that even though this wife was being described negatively, that there were two sides to this story. There’s typically one spouse in a marriage who is more of a realist and another who seems to be focused more on future possibilities and asking “what if?” And this can actually work very well in a marriage because you need both sides of the equation in order to achieve balance.

But it’s very important to understand that people can become very defensive about and protective of their dreams. And if those same dreams are challenged, they will often project those feelings of frustration onto you and onto the marriage. It’s just human nature to react negatively to someone or something that you perceive as threatening to what you really want. And you can love that person or thing with all of your heart and still be frustrated because you are so invested in your dream.

When I was separated from my husband, I started to journal. Over time, this became vital to my well being. And today, writing is a very sacred habit for me. When I’m writing, I get very annoyed if someone I love disrupts that process. For example, yesterday my mother called in the middle of a writing session, and I couldn’t get her off the phone fast enough, even though I love my mother very much. It’s not personal either. It’s just that people tend to get extremely protective and not very objective when it comes to their dreams.

Also, people who are holding onto a seemingly impossible dream can already be on emotionally shaky ground. It takes a lot of courage and emotional energy to quiet those doubts in your mind and go ahead anyway. This wife’s husband was probably well aware of the challenges that he faced. But it caused him pain when she put this into her own words.

Changing The Dynamics And Changing The Script: I don’t really think it’s possible (or even fair) for someone to have to change their personality. The wife was a realist and there was nothing wrong with that. But she needed to understand that her husband was probably a bit over sensitive right now because he was trying to protect his dream. And frankly, the world may well have shown him a harsh reality in time. But it wasn’t the wife’s place to do that. Instead, it was her place to support him.

At the same time, she had her family and her financial future to think about. So obviously, a compromise was in order. She might start by taking an honest inventory of how negative she really was – especially in areas other than the new business. If you find that you are indeed inclined to see the bad in every situation, know that this can be draining and, know that once you are aware, then you can choose another way to respond.

Speaking of a response, you may want to try to address this issue quite directly in the spirit of compromise. A suggested script might be something like: “I am sorry that you find me to be unhappy and pessimistic. I don’t mean to be that way. I suppose in my own mind, I am only trying to be realistic. I support your dream completely, but I also know that you don’t want to put our family or our finances at risk. I’d love to help you out on evenings and weekends. I’d be more than willing to help to lighten your load at home so that you can devote more spare time to the business. But I don’t feel that we should jeopardize what we have already built. Can we work together to make the business happen in a way that still maintains the financial security that we already have?”

If your husband sees you making an effort to be less pessimistic and he pauses even a little bit to think about what you’ve said, he may calm down and realize that he may have been frustrated with the business rather than with you.  I feel it’s very important to address this now before it becomes a larger issue.  So many people stay silent and hope for the best.  And then they end up separated and having to play catch up.  This was the case with me. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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