Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Some spouses are very open and honest when they are unhappy and considering a separation. And when these spouses eventually ask for a separation, there is no big surprise, although there might be a lot of disappointment. Many will tell you that having this kind of warning is a double edged sword. Yes, you do have some time to try to stall or to try to stop the separation. But, if you aren’t successful, then all of the time before the actual separation is just a painful time that is filled with dread.

Someone might describe it this way: “about two weeks ago, my husband told me that he is considering a separation. Honestly, his personality has changed over the last six months. It is as if one day he came home from work as a different person. My normally laid back and relaxed husband is now uptight and critical. Every tiny thing seemed to set him off. Nothing I did made him happy. He seems pretty determined that a separation is what he wants. But I am equally determined that a separation is not what I want. And it infuriates me that my children do not get a say in this. What can I do?”

Before I attempt to answer, I want to stress that this article will not discuss any legal issues. I’d highly recommend that you see an attorney with any legal concerns. I’m also not a marriage counselor, but I can give you tips from my own experience that I believe may help to make the process a little less contentious.

Because marriages can fall apart during a separation. You have people who are filled with doubt and fear and this can cause them to lash out or to do things that they would otherwise never consider. This pain can bring out the worst in people. And things can get so bad that the most logical thing is a divorce. So, in the following article, I’ll offer some tips to try and help you avoid that.

Don’t Be Very Obvious About Using Negative Tactics To Talk Him Out Of The Separation: Probably the most common strategy used here is to go into panic mode and to present all of the reasons that he should change his mind. I did this as well. At the time, this seems like the most sensible strategy to take. We present this in all sorts of negative ways. We ask him if he has considered the children. We tell him that he is being selfish or childish. We argue that things aren’t really so bad and that he’s just expecting perfection when in fact no marriage is perfect. We tell him that he’s experiencing a mid life crisis and that he will end up an old, confused fool who is alone with no one to take care of him. In short, we try to make him feel guilty, scared, and beaten down so that he will “give in” and just drop this whole separation idea.

I know that the above may have sounded very harsh. I don’t mean to imply that we are mean or unfeeling when we do this. I am neither of those things but I tried all of the above to get my husband to reconsider the separation. None of them worked, by the way. In the end, my husband only saw me as the petty, cruel person who was trying to stand in the way of his happiness and who was trying to control him. He thought that I didn’t understand him and maybe, he reasoned, I never would. And because of these things, he only wanted the separation more quickly.

Making Him Think That You Are Offering More Support Than Pressure: I know that you may be thinking: “ok, maybe I do understand that I shouldn’t approach the separation in this way. But, what am I supposed to do? Just stand by and watch him leave me?”

I wouldn’t take it that far. Of course you are going to want to change his mind. Many wives are actually successful with this. You want for him to look around and see that actually, all he needs to be happy and content are things that are already within him and already underneath his own roof.

However, many of us already understand this and we attempt to make him see that he can be happy with us by trying to be overly sweet and accommodating. Unfortunately, this can come off as wrong as the negative examples above. Why? Because he may still see it as your trying to manipulate him and therefore, even if is genuine, he is going to reject it.

The better tactic is often approaching him in a very direct, straight forward way that offers support instead of manipulation. In fact, anything that you try must come from a genuine place. Otherwise, he will see through it and be on his guard as far as you are concerned.

I wish I’d used this strategy. I did use it eventually and I did get my husband back. But I only realized this months into the separation, which had already caused damage and pain. I decided to back off and allow my husband the time he needed. I started to approach him as someone who wanted to support him and help him rather than as someone who wanted to change him. I stressed that I just wanted to maintain some sort of relationship, even if that relationship might ultimately no longer be marriage, depending on what we both decided.

It really comes down to this. As long as he thinks you are trying to manipulate him, he is going to resist. But when you stance your change from manipulation to support from a distance, you often have a much better chance of changing his mind because he isn’t resisting.

As I alluded to, once I loosened my grip on my husband, he wasn’t as intent on a separation.  But the harder I tried to assert my control over him, the more he pulled away.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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