Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s very natural to watch your separated spouse’s behavior very closely. This is especially true if you want to reconcile. You’re looking for clues. You’re looking for hope. You want to see evidence that there is a chance – one day and some way – that things might change.

And you are allowed to do this because you are still married, and you are allowed to have your own feelings and hopes.  

Unfortunately, your spouse sometimes seems determined to dash these hopes. He seemingly doesn’t want to see you with a plan for the future, or at least this is how it appears.

A wife might say, “This separation is all my husband’s idea. 100% of it. And it happened so quickly. No sooner were the words out of his mouth that he was beginning to implement it. There was no talking him out of it. There was very little discussion. I’m trying my best to adjust, but this separation was so sudden. Still, there are times when my husband and I are together that we will actually have a good time. There have been times when we’ve been able to laugh together. We’ve had some good conversations on the phone. And I will admit, he hasn’t begun to avoid me yet. He doesn’t seem to mind interacting with me – except when he perceives I have any hope for us. If I slip and say anything about the future, he will kind of shut down or go silent. Once, he actually said, ‘well, we’re separated. How is that going to work?’ It’s as if he is always trying to pull me back to this bad reality, and trying to remind me that our future isn’t together. I don’t know how to take that. I don’t want to give up because no one has initiated a divorce yet.”

I would argue that you don’t have to give up. But I am biased because I did not give up. And although things most certainly didn’t always go smoothly or in the way that I wanted during my separation, I did eventually reconcile. My husband didn’t always support my attempts at reconciliation and therefore, at times, I had to rethink my strategy.  

But that’s exactly what it was – my strategy. Not his. And I had every right to it. And I feel that you do too. Who knows how it will turn out? But no one other than you gets to say how you should feel or what you should want, at least in my opinion. That said, sometimes you have to be crafty with your plans, so he doesn’t feel like he has to thwart you at every turn.

You Don’t Need to Advertise What You’re Hoping For or Doing: We both know that your husband is likely well aware that you’d like to reconcile. You’re probably unlikely to convince him otherwise. That said, you don’t always need to advertise this when you spend time together. Try to keep things very light and casual. Try to happily end things each time so that he’ll be agreeable to a next time. And then make the next time pleasurable and light so that you can continue to build. 

This is obviously a gradual process. You’re not trying to push or have an agenda for now. You’re just coasting along and laying a foundation so that when your husband sees you’re not trying to force anything on him and he can continue to spend time with you without needing to be guarded.

Obviously, you’re playing the long game with this, but what choice do you have? He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to encourage a reconciliation right now, so you have to downplay that part of it, and just focus on maintaining the relationship you have. For now.

Tone Down the Tension. Turn Up the Ease:  You may have noticed that when your husband splashed your hopes about a reconciliation, suddenly things felt tense and uneasy. Suddenly, you don’t know where you stand anymore. That’s because you’ve established two separate and opposing sides and you need to undo that. 

One way to begin is to just find things about which you can agree when you are together. And that might mean you talk about topics that seem small. But that’s perfectly okay. Remember, you are working up to something different and better – eventually. 

You’re lowering the temperature so that he’s not tempted to make himself scarce and start to distance himself from you. Don’t give him any excuse to do that. I understand that this might mean you have to be patient. Unfortunately, I know no way around that. I am not a patient person, but I had to become one during my own separation. If I had pushed my own timeline, I would be divorced. Because my husband was not going to be rushed. 

Guard Your Feelings: As you’ve probably deduced, I don’t recommend wearing your heart on your sleeve around your husband. You can always confide in trusted friends about your hopes of reconciliation. You can always journal. Don’t let those hopes fade just because he doesn’t want to hear them. Don’t advertise them in public, but guard them furiously in private. They are yours. There is nothing wrong with them. And no one can decide to give up your hope except for you. But you don’t need to put those hopes out there for someone else to dash. 

Just keep them close. And bide your time. And slowly rebuild as you are able. And before you know it, your hopes might come true without your needing to make any proclamations at all. 

I know firsthand that it’s not always fun to be patient.  But being forced into patience was one of the reasons I was able to save my marriage.  That, and some finesse that I also lucked into. You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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