Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives are dealing with husbands who are distancing themselves or pulling away from the wife because of reasons that are hard to dispute.  An example is a husband claiming that he is motivated by what is best for his wife.  And often, he will claim that he, and the marriage, are not in the best interest of the wife. So, he’ll say that he wants to leave her or end the marriage because this is what is best for her.

One of these wives might explain: “my husband told me last week that he is considering leaving me.  He said that I have given up too much to be with him.   My husband has three kids from a previous marriage and they all moved in with me once we got together.  My husband lost his job and now my house is up for foreclosure.  One of the kids requires expensive speech therapy, which my insurance pays for.  My husband’s ex wife is always calling me and being nasty.  So there’s a lot of stress as a result of all of these things, but I knew that when I agreed to marry my husband.  Before we met, I used to go hiking with friends on weekends.  I ran marathons.  I don’t do these things much anymore because I would rather spend the time with my new family.  The other day, I made the mistake of mentioning that sometimes I missed being outside or running and that, if we ended up moving, I hoped the new place had trails for jogging.  That’s when my husband told me that he was considering leaving because he doesn’t think that our marriage has been good for me.  He says that I have given up too much for him and his kids and that it’s just not right.  He says I’m angry and stressed all of the time and that’s not the kind of person I was when we met.  I don’t want to be the same person.  I don’t mind that my new family has changed me.  My friends say that this is just an excuse.  But why else would he be leaving me?”

Unfortunately, I didn’t have definitive answers.  There was no way for me to know if this husband was telling her the truth about the reasons that he wanted to leave.  And, there were several possibilities here, which I’ll discuss below.

Maybe He Just Wants Reassurances That You’re Happy In Your Marriage: The first possibility was that the husband may have wanted for the wife to reassure him that in fact, she was happy in the marriage, despite the stress in their lives.  The husband likely felt guilty that his family’s presence was causing her a lot of new stresses and problems.  So, it was possible that he was just trying to get an honest reaction out of her and he was hoping that she would ask him not to leave and reassure him that she actually was happy in the marriage.

Some Husbands Will Use This Excuse To Spare The Wife’s Feelings: Unfortunately, some men will use this whole “the marriage is not good for you” excuse to make their leaving seem commendable or selfless when it is anything but.  Sometimes, it is the husband who is not happy but he doesn’t want to hurt the wife by telling her that truth.  So instead, he will try to make it look as if he really is looking out for her best invested when instead, he is looking out for his.   Again, the way to determine if this was the case would be for the wife to say that she was happy in the marriage, but maybe she could request more free time to run so that she could help to manage her stress.  A husband who wants to continue on with the marriage would be happy to comply with that, while a husband who really just wanted out and was making excuses would likely continue on with the whole “I’m not good enough for you” talk no matter what the wife said.

He May Truly Think He’s Sacrificing His Own Happiness For Yours:  Some men truly do love their wives enough to let her go if they think that being with him is causing her pain or holding her back.  If this is the case, the key is showing him that you are much happier with him than you would be without him, no matter what he may think to the contrary.

A suggested script would be something like: “I am the person most qualified to determine if this marriage is good enough for me.  And I know that it is.  Admittedly, there is some stress in our lives, but I would much rather have that stress with you than to have a stress free life without you.  We’re a team.  I will stand by you because I know that you would do the same for me.  That’s what people do when they love each other and are partners.  It actually hurts me and causes more stress to hear you say these things.  I’m touched that you care enough to put my well being before your own, but believe me, if I thought that the marriage wasn’t good for me, I would tell you.  And I don’t feel that way at all.  I’m perfectly content and I am the one who gets to decide what is good for me. And I decided that my marriage and my family are the best things for me.”

If this type of conversation doesn’t begin to help, then you have to ask yourself if there are larger issues at play.  If so, this doesn’t necessarily mean that your marriage is over.  But it can mean that you need to address issues that go beyond whether the marriage is good for you or not.  But this script should help you to decipher what your husband is really saying so that you can know what to address first.

My husband tried to tell me that he was leaving because the marriage wasn’t good for either of us.  But, at the end of the day, he just wasn’t happy and there were many other issues.  Just reassuring my husband that I was happy didn’t work because there were other issues that needed to be resolved.  It wasn’t until I got serious about changing the dynamics of our marriage that I was able to save it.  If it helps, you can read about the entire process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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