Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Marriage can be a good deal of hard work. Many of us start out with very little. As newlyweds, many of us have very little money but much love. And, little by little, we carve out a life for ourselves and for our spouse. It can feel like it is the two of us against the world. And sometimes, these circumstances bring you closer together. 

Over time, you look around and you realize that you’ve built a nice life with this person that you love. You’ve built a family, a home, and a sense of community. These things define the way you live your life and the way you see yourself. And you may be perfectly content with it. Sure, you may experience bumps in the road as everyone does. But overall, you feel that you have a good life. And a good marriage overall. Until your husband seemingly wants to throw it all away. At that time, you can feel helpless. And you can be afraid that the life you’ve built is going to come crashing down, even though you’ve done nothing to deserve that.

A wife might explain,” I honestly thought that in the not too distant future, my husband and I could just focus on enjoying our life – with the kids out of the house and retirement in the not-to-distant future. We’ve worked hard to hopefully be able to enjoy things. We certainly aren’t rich. But we’ve been careful. And we’ve worked very hard together. And I’m proud of what we’ve built. We have great kids, a sound business, and we love our community. But my husband has decided that he may not want this anymore. Out of the blue, he told me wants a separation. He says that he wants more adventure and variety in his life, and he knows that it is not in my personality to want to live the way he wants to live moving forward. He doesn’t want the stable lifestyle we’ve worked so hard to build anymore, and I don’t understand it. Are our kids just supposed to suddenly lose that stability without complaint? I don’t get what brought this on, but more than that, I feel absolutely desolate about the idea that he is throwing what we worked so hard on away. Years and years we have spent making this life. And now he just can toss it aside so easily? He said he isn’t asking me for a divorce. He just wants to see how he might feel trying a new type of life. So, while he just galivants around solo, I guess I’m supposed to wait. It’s not fair. I worked for this life. I deserve this life. And he wants to take it away.”

I know how horrible this must feel, but when I listen to statements like this, I hear so much of myself in them at the time when I was separated. And I hear the way that I used to think – the focus on lack, the panic, and the near-desperation to undo what might be done. 

Don’t Allow Your Feelings to Drive the Ship: All of your feelings are understandable. But they are feelings that, if you aren’t careful, will cause you to take actions that may make this marital situation even worse. I know this because that’s exactly what I let the feelings do – cause me to take desperate actions that only drove my husband further away.  

My husband started out like many separated husbands, saying he needed some time, and he ended up being a man who was staying far, far away from me because I became a scared, desperate, anxious person who was afraid of the future and sure of self-fulfilling prophecies.  

I’m very gently trying to suggest that, as soon as you can, you try to take a deep breath and see the big picture. I’ll explain more below.

Focus on What You Still Have:  So much of the commentary above is based on fear. And fear is usually worse than the actual consequences. When you focus on fear, lack is all you see. But when you focus on what you have instead everything shifts, and then you are ready to get to work and do what is necessary to turn this around.

He’s told you he isn’t seeking a divorce. So that is not something you need to worry about immediately. Your family is still intact for now, albeit things are changing (hopefully only temporarily.) You still have a family with great kids. You still have the business. Yes, he is clearly going through something. Many people go through something in mid-life. Some of them come to believe that their marriage, their job, or their lifestyle is to blame. But that usually isn’t true. It’s their coming to terms with aging and the passage of time. Fortunately, many husbands eventually realize this, which is why it’s so important to not overreact and make things worse.

You Don’t Have to Make Your Life Smaller Because He is Struggling:  I have always said that man who acts this way in midlife is a man who is struggling and even suffering. That’s why I always suggest trying to be supportive rather than judgemental. Offer to listen. Offer any assistance he might need.

But take care of yourself, too. When my husband left, my world became quite small at first. It was like I was always waiting for something. I felt like I was in limbo. I felt like until my husband made a decision, I just couldn’t fully live my life. Eventually, I got tired of all that way of thinking. It was a very lonely way to live. 

So I started venturing out a little more. I was lucky because I had family and friends who were more than happy to see more of me. And I began doing and learning new things because I felt like I wanted to start expanding my world rather than shrinking it. Doing this allowed me at least some relief from the loneliness and helplessness, although sometimes I had to force myself out of the house. But I always felt better after getting out. 

Try to Make Small Gains: In the beginning, you may have to just be patient as your husband gets this out of his system. As tempted as you may be to tell him that he’s being selfish and stupid, that never goes well. So you may just have to take care of yourself and offer him a supportive stance. While you are living your life, you can always see if there are places where you can make personal improvements and look at your marriage to see where you might tweak it. And once he begins to soften his stance and perhaps realize that he was hasty, you may have an opportunity to work with him to make changes.  

This is usually a gradual process where you’ll need to accept small gains as you get them. But you’d be surprised how much you can build on small gains. That was almost my entire strategy toward the middle of my separation. And it is part of why I’m married today.  It honestly saved us.  You can read that entire story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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