Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many people are grappling with whether or not they want a separation.  They often are still invested in their marriage but things have gotten so difficult that they wonder if separating or taking a break will improve things.  But, it’s relatively rare for both spouses to be on board with this.  Typically, one spouse is open to the idea (or pursuing it) while the other spouse is trying to talk them out of it.  Sometimes, ultimatums are given, which can make things even more difficult.

One spouse might explain: “our marriage hasn’t been good for a couple of years.  My husband has become sullen, sarcastic, and even mean-spirited at times.  He has had a lot of stress at his job and he is the only one who works so I try to be supportive.  But his attitude has taken a toll on me. And recently, I’ve suggested that we separate for a while.  His brother recently divorced and he has a huge house all to himself.  I suggested that my husband stays with his brother for a while since he has plenty of room.  My husband didn’t take this well.  He said he thinks that a separation is too drastic.  He said that if I push this and he moves out or we separate, then he’s never coming back.  So he’s pushing me to decide right now what I want to do about our marriage.  Because apparently, I’m not allowed to take a break.  And if I try to, he’s leaving and not coming back.  What can I do?  At this point, I’m not at a place where I want to end my marriage.  But I need some time and I need a perspective.”  I’ll try to offer some insights in the following article.

Understand Why You Might Be Hearing Ultimatums:  The wife in this situation was a little shocked at her husband’s hard stance.  Normally, he wasn’t the type to give ultimatums.  It was more his style to pout or to remain silent, but he rarely took a hard stance like this.  The reason that people who are normally not this assertive might suddenly come out with an ultimatum is because of fear.  They are usually so afraid of your moving out and of the separation so they try to force your hand.  In fact, I’d be willing to bet that the husband worries that once the separation happens, his wife is never coming back to him.  So he tries to beat her to it and threaten that he himself will never come back.  He may not even mean this or know that he could never go through with it.  But he’s hoping that the wife will back off on the separation.

You Have To Decide How Necessary The Separation Truly Is: This wife seemed pretty clear on the fact that right now, she didn’t want a divorce.  But she clearly felt that, without some sort of intervention, things would continue to deteriorate.  The thing is, there are other possible interventions that don’t necessarily mean a separation.  You can get a break or an intervention without someone needing to move out.  You can live in separate areas of the house, sleep in separate beds, or have one of you stay at a hotel for a few days.  Because sometimes, when one person actually moves out for an undetermined amount of time, that can be a sort of line in the sand, or for some, the point of no return.

So, since this wife said  that she didn’t want a divorce, she might want to ask herself if there was any way to accomplish the break in another way.  Sometimes, a separation is the last stop before a divorce.  So it may be a good idea to just ask yourself if perhaps you aren’t there yet.  This couple hadn’t yet tried counseling or having a grand discussion about the source of the husband’s stress or how they might effectively deal with it as a couple.

How Do You Respond To His Threat To Never Come Back?: Well, that really depends if you are going to stay the course and push for the separation or if you are willing to look for another alternative.  If you still want the separation, you might say something like: “it hurts me a lot to hear you say that.  The last thing that I want is for you to never come back and for our marriage to end.  I’m only asking you to stay with your brother for a little while so that we can gain some perspective and have a break in the tension.  We can agree to regular times that we can speak and see one another.  I am not planning to walk away.  I just need a little time. Can you please back off of the ultimatums and give our marriage the luxury of time so that it might heal?”

If you have decided that you want to explore other alternatives to one of you leaving you might say something like: “well, the last thing that I want is for one of us to leave and never come back.  I hear and respect what you are saying.  But I still feel strongly that we need something to give us some perspective in our marriage.  Would you agree to give me some time to myself or to go to counseling?  Because I don’t think it’s good for our marriage for things to continue on this way.  I want the break because I want to save our marriage, not to end it.  Let’s work together to come up with a plan that will help us do that.”

To be quite honest, what your spouse is typically looking for when they make threats like this is a reassurance.  They are afraid of losing you and while threats aren’t the best way to express themselves, they are trying to keep your marriage from ending. Since you want the same thing, consider working with your spouse to come up with a plan that you can both be comfortable with.

My husband was the one in my marriage who wanted to separate.  My actions were also based on fear.  But my ultimatums only made things worse and almost costs me my marriage.  It wasn’t until I completely changed tactics that I was able to save my marriage. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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