Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Husbands who are no longer happy at home give various reasons for wanting to move out. Sometimes, they are specific. And sometimes, they are frustratingly vague. They can even make their leaving seem like something that must happen because they’re standing on moral grounds. This can leave a wife unsure of how to respond. After all, how can she tell him not to listen to his conscience or not to do what he is sure is right?

She might say, “My husband is saying that he is going to leave our home by next month. We have been having problems for several months, so I can’t say I’m surprised that the topic of his moving out has come up. But I’m a bit surprised that he is going through with it. I admit that my husband and I are different. He is a bleeding heart. He would give his last dime to anyone if I would let him. He is obsessed with self-growth, always doing the right thing, and putting other people before himself. He’s always been this way, but after COVID and the state of the world for the past couple of years, he’s gotten more severe about this. Therefore, he seems to think that I am selfish, materialistic, and narcissistic. I don’t think that any of these things are true. I’m definitely not as altruistic as my husband, but I am not a bad person. However, he’s making me feel like I am. I admit that I’ve made mistakes in this marriage. I’ve stretched the truth sometimes. And I’ve hurt my husband, but he’s done the same. Neither of us is perfect. Still, he has said that he must move out because he knows in his heart that he needs to follow his integrity. He says he can’t in good conscience stay. What do I say to that? That he needs to stay with me because that is what I want, and he can just turn away from the voice in his head? That would make me look like more of a jerk than he already thinks I am. I want to save my marriage, but he thinks that is selfish on my part because I’m once again focusing on what I want.”

This is admittedly a tough situation. I know how badly it hurts to watch your spouse move away from you and believe that it is what he must do when you know in your heart that it is the wrong thing and you strongly suspect that he is mistaken. Yet, if you tell him your thoughts, he’s just going to think that you’re acting selfishly. 

Try to Approach Him in the Spirit of Compromise:  It’s often quite problematic to try to reason with a spouse who believes he has his mind made up. He’ll debate for as long as his patience holds out, but eventually, he will start to avoid you, which isn’t something your marriage may be able to withstand. 

Things often work better and run more smoothly if you approach this as someone who is going to try to help your spouse get what he wants while sparring yourself pain. In short, you want to appear that you’re trying to find a way to help both of you get some part of what you want, and you’re ultimately trying to make things better. 

I always think it’s a good idea to offer to move out of your bedroom in place of your spouse moving out. Offer to take the spare bedroom or to stay with friends for a while so he has that space he wanted, but no one has made any permanent changes, and you don’t have to worry about the effort it takes to get him back in the house.

Not all spouses will take you up on this, but it’s absolutely worth a try, especially if you make it look like you’re trying to be cooperative and act in good faith.

If His Moving Out Comes to Pass:  If your offer to compromise with him still living at home doesn’t work, you can still approach this from a place of caring. You can still try to offer your support and stay in close contact. It’s very easy to allow things to deteriorate once he moves out. Avoid this at all costs. Believe me, it can be hard to get back on track once that disconnect happens and you add in some distance.

You’ll do yourself a favor if you can agree to how often you’ll communicate and see one another before he moves out. It is so much easier to follow an already agreed-to plan than to just flounder along and get hurt feelings if he doesn’t communicate in the way that you expected.

Maintaining communication is so important during this time. And sometimes, the time apart is healing. He may come to learn that he was wrong in some of his assumptions about you, and you may come to appreciate his wanting to do what he thinks is right. But these realizations may take some time. 

Be willing to give him a bit of space if he asks for it in the beginning. I pressured my husband too much, and he started to avoid me, and I became paranoid. This turn of events led to a bad outcome – until I was able to get things back on track.

So try very hard not to panic as I did. And approach him as the man who is your husband and who is struggling – and not the man whose mind you must change as soon as possible because he is too mistaken to truly know what he wants. Give him the respect he’s come to deserve and allow him to come to his own wishes. Make it clear that, although your ultimate goal is always going to be to save your marriage because you love him, you also want to figure out how to make him happier – hopefully within that marriage.

Once I stopped focusing on changing my husband’s mind and more on the correct, most important things, I saw a huge amount of improvement. We did eventually reconcile. You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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