Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are dealing with husbands who are complaining about a change in the marriage.  Often, the husband is very clear on the fact that he isn’t happy, but he isn’t nearly as specific as to what has happened to make him so unhappy.  In fact, many husbands will tell you that they have no idea exactly what is wrong.  He’ll sometimes tell you that all he knows for certain is that he’s not happy with the way that things are.

A wife might have this type of situation: “my husband told me last night that he is unhappy in our marriage.  He didn’t go so far as to say that he wanted a separation or divorce, but I have the feeling that this is what is coming next.  I asked him what happened to us.  Because honestly, when I look back on our marriage, I remember the good times.  But apparently, he doesn’t.  Because his response to me was ‘I’m not sure what has happened to our marriage, but I’m sure that I’m no longer content with it.’  Well, I don’t know what happened either.  But I know that I’m doing the best that I can.  I know that I work full time and then come home and do an additional job taking care of my family.  I know that I try to be attentive to him but I have my own needs.  I also know that once you reach a certain age, you can no longer expect for your life to be a fun filled experience every single day.  What do men mean when they tell you that they don’t know why they’re not happy?  And what are you supposed to even do with this information?”

Men can mean a couple of different things in this scenario.  I sometimes have them comment on my blog and I feel that I have a decent handle on their possible mind set.  I’ll share some of the reasons that they offer in the following article.

 Often When Men Say They Don’t Know What Happened, They’re Reacting To A Slow Decline In Your Marriage:  Typically when people say that they aren’t sure what went wrong or that they can’t pinpoint any one thing that deteriorated their marriage, they’re often reacting to what isn’t there rather than what is there.  In other words, they’re noticing a lack of something that has slowly become apparent to them over the course of time.

Many men will eventually describe this as a lack of intimacy or passion.  In other words, the excitement seems to be lacking for them.  They’ll tell you that they can’t remember the last time their wife gave them her undivided attention  Or they don’t recall the last time she met him at the door and fell into his arms.

Of course, what many of these husbands don’t mention is the last time they remembered to bring their wife flowers or the last time he just listened to her.  It goes both ways, of course.  But it’s just human nature to place your most direct focus on your own needs, even when you love your spouse.

And often a man won’t complain about this at first.  He often intellectually realizes that you are being pulled in many different directions.  He wants for you to take good care of his children and he may feel like he’s complaining or whining if he directly asks for more of your time.  So he pushes this down until one day he wakes up and wonders what happens to your marriage and to the closeness that you once shared.  Unfortunately, he can’t always put his finger on this, and, even if he could, he will sometimes hesitate to sound so petty.

What Can Or Should You Do If Your Husband Suddenly Expresses His Unhappiness About Your Marriage But Can’t Be Specific About The Cause?: The first thing to remember is not to panic.  As is often the case, this husband hadn’t mentioned a divorce, but he had shared his struggles with his wife because he was unhappy enough to be honest and want a resolution.  Be grateful that he’s giving you the opportunity to resolve things without first wanting to make a change.  Because it’s not uncommon for wives to hear about their husband’s unhappiness while being asked for a separation or a divorce.

Then, try to take a very objective look at your marriage.  Now, sometimes husbands feel stress in other areas of their life and they project this onto your marriage.  But even so, every marriage can use some improvement and some additional attention.  To the extent you can, try to see your marriage through your husband’s eyes.  You likely know him pretty well and you probably know what is most important to him.  It is likely not too difficult to determine what he would like more of in your relationship.  It often boils down to attention, appreciation, and affection.   Even if you think he’s  being petty or needy, do your best to address his concerns.  Because when he is happier, then your marriage is going to improve and you are going to be more happy also.

Sometimes I have wives who do understand what I am saying but they don’t think that this whole situation is quite fair. I often hear comments like “well what about me?  He doesn’t pay enough attention to me either, but apparently, I’m just supposed to meet his needs because he’s whining.”  Try not to see it this way.  Because if he feels that his needs are being met then he is going to do a better job of meeting yours so that neither of you will feel as if you are doing all the giving or making all of the concessions.

So to answer some of the questions posed, a husband who announces that he isn’t happy is usually is telling you that things aren’t as exciting or as fulfilling anymore and that he wants more of your attention and appreciation. Often if you make a very conscious effort to show him more of these things, both of you will experience an increase of your happiness level and your marriage should improve as well. Wives often doubt that it’s this simple or easy.  It’s not easy, but human nature usually isn’t all that complicated.  Husbands and wives generally want the same things, also they don’t always express it or receive it in the same way.

I wish I had paid more attention to my husband when he started hinting about how unhappy he was.  Eventually, he felt that he needed a separation in order to get my attention.  It was a huge challenge to get him back and to save my marriage, but I finally found a couple of things that worked. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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