Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I recently heard from a wife whose husband had told her that he “no longer has any feelings” for her. They had been having marital issues for a while but had been trying to work them out. The wife felt that at times, things were beginning to get better. Apparently, the husband didn’t agree because he told the wife that he now was pretty sure that he wanted a separation or divorce. The wife was astounded at this and told the husband that although the marriage had hit a rough patch, she still loved him and felt that was a foundation upon which they could build.

The husband countered this by telling the wife that not only didn’t he love her anymore but that he “no longer had any feelings for her at all.” Not only did this shock the wife, but she frankly didn’t believe it. The day before, he had initiated physical contact and showed affection. She wasn’t sure why he would feel the need to lie, but she was beside herself. She said in part “How can he say he doesn’t feel anything for me? We’ve been together for a very long time and have been through a lot together. How can he just throw that away and pretend as though I don’t matter to him?”

There are many reasons that men sometimes do this. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Sometimes A Man Says He Doesn’t Have Feelings For You Because He Knows You Will Point To The Feelings As Proof You Can Work Things Out: I didn’t personally know either person in this situation, but I had to suspect that the husband was telling the wife this as a way to take the wind out of her sails. In the past, the wife had pointed to their feelings for each other as a main reason to continue to work on the marriage.

Many husbands in this situation aren’t sure what to do anymore. They’ve tried “working” on the marriage and various other things, but they feel as though they are at a dead-end street and they aren’t sure how to begin to make an exit. So, they will tell you that the feelings are gone so that you no longer have this fact on your side.

What does this mean for you? It means that it’s possible the feelings haven’t gone, but you have a situation in which your husband is willing to say anything in order to get a pause in this situation. That’s very important information that can mean quite a lot and be quite telling.

Putting This In Perspective To Determine Where To Go From Here: Many women in this situation have no clue where to go with this or how to respond. Basically, there are a couple of possibilities. Your husband may be telling you the truth as he knows it, meaning that since so much has happened between you, he doesn’t know what to feel or his feelings may have dulled. Or, he may well still have feelings for you but he’s trying to diminish or deny them because he is growing tired of the “working it out” process.

Either way, his perceptions about the situation are now part of the issue. Many women will often react by trying to prove to their husband that he still has feelings or arguing with him about his assertion. In my experience, this isn’t as effective as focusing on the issues and trying to fix them. Having more conflict is rarely the answer. Changing his perceptions sometimes can be.

If The “Working Things Out” Stance Isn’t Working For You, Consider Focusing On Something Else: Sometimes, it’s not that the husband’s feelings have changed all that dramatically. (After all, I rarely believe that feelings just turn off and on.) So rather than focusing on this point, you are sometimes better off taking the focus off of all that “work” and all of its connotations. Sometimes, smaller steps are in order.

Just focusing on interacting with less conflict and drama can sometimes make quite a difference. And sometimes, your husband is expecting all these fireworks but when you respond calmly and with purpose, he may suddenly begin to question his perceptions in the first place. This is what you want. Yes, you may have a long and gradual climb. But your real goal is not to show him or argue with him that he’s wrong, but to show him by your behavior and your reactions that he may have acted too swiftly.

You want to show him the carefree calm and loving woman he first fell in love with rather than the frightened and reeling one who may have a tendency to be accusing and argumentative because she is frightened of losing what she has worked so hard for.

I know that this is a very difficult situation. And I know it feels as if you might be on the losing end of this. But your reactions from this point forward can be very important. Try to take the high road and keep your perspective. In the long run, you may be glad that you did.

I understand how you feel, because a very short time ago, I was exactly where you are. But, I learned that my husband had fallen out of love with the relationship instead of falling out of love with me. I was able to use this knowledge to change course, return my husband’s love, and save the marriage (when I was the only one interested in doing so at the time.) You can read that story on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/