My Husband Says He Doesn’t Feel Close To Me. How Can I Fix This?
By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are well aware that they are struggling to maintain feelings of intimacy in their marriage. Sometimes, this realization is obvious and they don’t need for their spouse to point this out to them. Other times, the wife has believed that everything is fine until her husband announces that he no longer feels the closeness.
An example of what a wife might say to explain this is something like: “my husband has been really distracted lately. He is juggling a lot of projects and a lot of drama with his brother, who is in rehab. So when I noticed him being very short tempered, I really didn’t think much of it. But we were out to dinner the other night and my husband snapped at the waitress which is so unlike him. Once he composed himself, I asked him what was wrong. He went on about a twenty minute tirade about what was going wrong with his life. Other than complaining about all of his obligations and the fact that he feels chained to his job because of the debt we are in, the disclosed that he doesn’t feel close to me anymore. He says he feels like my room mate or my brother because he really cares about what happens to me and for the most part we get a long, but he doesn’t feel close to me like a lover or a husband. This caught me a little by surprise. I admit that we haven’t had much time for our marriage lately. But, none of this is my fault. I can’t help it that all this stress has popped up in his life. I have tried to be there for him, but sometimes, he pushes me away. So whose fault is it that he doesn’t feel as close to me? In my view, this is his fault, not mine.”
I know that this hurts. And I know that it is very hard to keep perspective in times like these, because sometimes, all you can hear or see is a rejection and blame. And, quite understandably, you can focus on how unfair this how and how much this is his fault and not yours. You might, as I did, take it a step further and not only feel like this is mostly his fault, but also feel that fixing it is his responsibility. I don’t want to make judgements here. But I can tell you from my own experience that this is potentially risky. I feel like I have to point out that when you take this stance and if you leave this up to him, he may not take any action, especially since his plate is already more than full. I understand how you feel. I have been there. But I can tell you that if you let this deteriorate, you might dislike the deteriorated situation even more than you dislike your current one.
In my own situation, waiting for my husband to be the one to address the issues seriously backfired and lead to a full fledged separation. If I could have changed things and rewound our marriage to that time when I saw his unhappiness, but didn’t actively address it, I certainly would have. So, I’d suggest actively trying to restore the closeness, as soon as possible. I’ll address that now. It might not seem just and fair. But it will be worth it. And it will likely make you both happier.
Understanding Why Closeness Is Important: Almost every one understands intellectually how important closeness and intimacy are in a marriage. We all know this. And yet, when it happens to us, we tell ourselves that we are too rushed, too hurried, or that there will be plenty of time later when the kids get out of the house. Or, we may tell ourselves that you can’t expect for things to be the same, or as fresh, with a long term marriage. And all of these beliefs are valid and understandable. But, you have to look at the consequences of thinking this way. There is a risk that if you do nothing, not only will you have a husband who is struggling with all of the stressors of his life (many of which aren’t his fault,) but as a result you’ll also be struggling with an estranged marriage. And, you have the potential to lose the person who might be your biggest support system.
I don’t mean to paint a bleak picture. But I am saying it out of concern. So if you need encouragement to put everything else aside and to place your focus on restoring the closeness, then I’m giving it to you right now. It’s vitally important. I can’t stress that enough.
What Does Restoring The Closeness Look Like?: Often when we talk about “restoring the closeness,” it’s only words that we’ve all heard before. It’s hard for us to get a mental picture of what it actually looks like because so few people actually talk about it in real terms. I actually find that most people think of this in negative terms because they think of having difficult talks about what they’ve lost or strained conversations that are painful. This is unfortunate because this can actually be a pleasurable process. Here’s what it can look like. It looks like clearing your schedule just a little bit so that you can take a long walk with your spouse. It means taking the time listen and expecting to be listened to in return. It means slowing down to really relearn what you truly love about this person. It means rewinding so that you can remember how much fun it is to do little things to show your spouse how much you care. It doesn’t need to be expensive. It doesn’t have to be hard. It is the little efforts that really can add up.
Unfortunately for me, I learned the importance of restoring the closeness the hard way. And it almost costs me my marriage. If it helps, you can read about how I turned things around on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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