Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are conflicted about a shocking turn of events within their troubled marriages: After begging and pleading with their husbands to make the marriage work; after trying multiple methods on their own only to have him resist them at every turn, their husbands are now suddenly claiming to want to “make it work.” Needless to say, these wives experience multiple emotions at the same time. They’re relieved that their marriage might stand a chance. But they’re resentful that it took so long. And they’re confused about his change of heart.

One of them might say, “my husband and I have been on the brink of divorce for about five months. Some nights, he stays at his office and doesn’t come home. When he is here, he doesn’t put any effort into our marriage or into me. I have begged him to go to counseling with me. I’ve asked him what I need to do to get him invested in our marriage again. I’ve offered to make concessions. He has rejected all of my offers, telling me that he thinks it is too late for us. I’ve faced many crises alone for these months. My mother was hospitalized. I was in a car accident. Whenever these things would happen, my husband would distance himself from me at the time when I needed him most. I felt like I was completely on my own. Honestly, for the past three weeks, I’ve pretty much given up on him. I’ve looked at hiring people to take over the household tasks that he keeps promising to get to but never does, and I’ve stopped looking to him for emotional or physical support. I’d resigned myself to the fact that I’m probably going to be alone moving forward. And then, last night he told me that he was ‘ready to make our marriage work.’ When I asked what brought about his change of heart, he would give me no real answer. When I asked where he’s been these last months while I struggled, he responded that he was here now. But he doesn’t seem to have any plan. It’s as if he expects me to fall over myself to accommodate him. What now?”

Well, that is really up to you. And I understand why you are confused and conflicted. I understand why you’d be reluctant to just blindly trust in what he’s saying after the way he’s acted for the last several months. But, you have to try to take emotion out of the equation as much as you can. Because what you decide now will impact the trajectory of your marriage.

The Central Question: Obviously, the most important question to ask yourself right now is, “Do I still want to make this marriage work?” It seems that you did a short time ago, but you reluctantly began to accept that this might not be your reality since your husband refused to cooperate.

Gage How Your Body Reacts To Both Alternatives: You may not have a ready answer to this question and you may need to sit on it and just let it percolate for a couple of days. Sometimes, it really helps to get quiet and then watch your reaction to both potential realities.

For example, get still and think about trying to make your marriage work and watch your emotional and physical reactions.

Then think about telling your husband that he’s too late and then think about ending your marriage. Watch for those reactions also.

Your bodily reactions will often tell you what you think you don’t know. When you have a negative reaction to an option, your pulse rate may speed up. You might clench your jaw. Or your fists. You may literally feel your shoulders tense up by your ears.

On the other hand, if you feel yourself sigh, or let out a breath, or even smile, then this will tell you something else altogether. You can have a favorable reaction even if you are scared of doing something. And you can have an unfavorable reaction even if you mistakenly think it’s what you want.

Don’t Hesitate To Share Your Conditions: Many people who do this exercise realize that they’d like to save their marriage. After all, this is what they wanted more than anything a short time ago – before their husband’s behavior tainted this desire. But understandably, they’re reluctant now because of their husband’s confusing actions.

In light of this, there is nothing wrong with setting out your own conditions moving forward. There is nothing wrong with saying that while you are relieved that he’s finally come around, you’d “feel so much better if he would commit to…..” (You’ll fill in the blank here with whatever you need – whether that is counseling or to see his genuine enthusiasm and cooperation in working with you.)

Ask Him What He Needs In Return (For Somewhat Selfish Reasons): If you decide to go the route of working things out and you ask him for what you need, you’ll do yourself a huge favor if you ask him what HE needs in return.

It would look something like this, “I’m both relieved and surprised to hear you say you want to work things out. I do have some reservations about your taking so long to come to this conclusion. I’d feel so better if you’d agree to work with me in the way I’ve asked. In return, I’d be happy to do what you ask so that you’re more comfortable going forward. What do you need from me?

I’m going to be honest. This offer is somewhat selfish. Yes, you’re asking him what he needs. And you’re hopefully sincere about providing it. But you’re also asking for important information that he just hasn’t been willing to give up to now. You’ve been wanting to know for months just what it will take to get him on board to save this marriage. Now he just might tell you.

His response will speak volumes. Because he just might spill what he’s wanted from you and from this marriage all along. And this will give you a map as to what you need to do to begin to fix your marriage.

I know that you’re confused and frustrated. But in the end, isn’t it truly the result that matters? If you’d known a couple of months ago that he’d come to you wanting to make it work, wouldn’t that have felt like a victory?

It still can be if you’re willing to regroup. I honestly would have been very shocked if my husband had ever admitted that he wanted to make things work.  Unfortunately, he never came out and said this.  Instead, we began to eventually work together after being separated for far too long.  I would have preferred this route to separating any day.  If it helps, you can read about our reconciliation at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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