My Husband Just Texted Me That We Are Separated
By: Leslie Cane: When your spouse has communicated that he’s unhappy and may want some time apart, often your greatest wish is to have the time to change his mind. You hope that you will know when it is coming and that, if it becomes a reality, he will sit you down and explain it well before he goes or leaves for a separation. That’s why it can be so disappointing when the separation is initiated by something very impersonal like a note, or worse, by a text.
Someone might explain: “I can’t claim that this separation caught me completely off guard. I knew that it was a possibility. But I fully expected for my husband to communicate in person. I thought that before he left, he would tell me that he was going to go, like any considerate person would. Imagine my surprise when I received a text while I was at work. Honestly, I didn’t even read it right away because I assumed it was about something mundane like stopping to get milk. I was wrong though. It was my husband telling me that he was going ahead with the separation and leaving the home at this exact moment. So what am I supposed to do? Text him back something equally as stupid as: ‘ok. I get it. We are officially separated.’ I am disappointed on so many levels. I didn’t expect the separation to come so soon. In fact, I’d hoped that it wouldn’t come at all. I thought I would have some warning. And I certainly never expected to receive notification of a separation by text. I am just not sure how to handle this. Does he respect me that little? We’ve been married for a while. It is not like we are teenagers. Things were good between us for so long. Until they weren’t.”
I know that this feels very disappointing and disrespectful. It feels like he didn’t care enough to look you in the face when he did this. But, I think if a reconciliation is still very important to you, then you’re going to have to place your focus more on what to now than on how this came about. Yes, the text is not ideal. But I think you have to move on and think of it like any other form of communication in today’s electronic society. Unfortunately, we live in a world today where people see text as a perfectly acceptable form of communication, especially when emotions run high and they feel that they are able to say what needs to be said quickly and efficiently. He may have not that you were going to get very upset and he figured that it was best to take the emotion out of it. I am not defending him. I am just exploring why he may have gone with a text.
I would think that at this point, the focus should be on seeing him face to face in the near future in order to get more information. Or at least moving toward that. So you may text back something like: “I see. Well, some time soon, I’d like to talk to you about setting some guidelines as to how this might work. I understand that you want space, but I don’t want to leave things open ended between us. I think it would avoid a lot of confusion if we could define some things.” Then ask him when he could meet you or at least talk on the phone briefly.
When this meeting happens, ask him how often he’d like to talk or meet. I believe that setting these types of guidelines can be vital to having a successful separation. If you leave it open ended, then people tend to go long stretches without seeing or talking to one another. Ultimately, if you agree that you’ll talk every few days, then you can tone down the panic and actually make some progress.
If your husband tells you that he just isn’t ready to talk yet, then it’s probably best not to push. In fact, not applying too much pressure too soon is something else that can become very important. I made the mistake of panicking and trying to pressure my husband. And the result was that he started to avoid me at all costs.
You probably don’t want this. To avoid it, try to set up a schedule now. But if he isn’t receptive just yet, think about going ahead and offering that space. Work on yourself. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family members. Do what makes you happy and allows you to feel a sense of empowerment and control.
I know that receiving a text was not a promising way to start this whole thing. But, now is the time to try to turn the tone of this around. It was a bad start, sure, but you don’t want it to be a bad finish. So as shocking and as hurtful as this is, try to get your bearings quickly. And try not to dwell on the fact that your husband handled this incorrectly. What’s happened can’t be taken back. At this point, you just have to deal with it as positively as you can because that will help you have a quicker and more successful reconciliation in the long run.
I wish that I’d taken my own advice. I panicked and pressured from the beginning of my separation. And it nearly cost me my marriage. You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com
Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
