Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who say that they’ve felt invisible in their marriage for a long time. They strongly believe that their husband is no longer interested (or invested) in them, their happiness, or their marriage. They believe that they’ve tried everything to get him to pay attention. But nothing works. They wonder if he does not love them anymore, or if he just finds them uninteresting. Even worse, as a result of these considerations, they begin to fear for the future of their marriage. 

A wife might say, “honestly, I feel as though my husband cares more for his coworkers or his acquaintances than he does me. Actually, he treats these people better than me, because at least he occasionally takes an interest in them or in their lives. The same is not true of me. If I have a doctor’s appointment, he will completely forget about it and never ask me how it went, much less offer to go with me. He forgets issues and occasions that are important to me. The other day, I tried to make conversation with him about a good friend of mine who had been in a car accident. Not only did he not remember who this person was, but he also didn’t remember me telling him about the accident last week. I admit that I became incredibly angry about this. I regret that now, but it’s so frustrating that my own husband seems to know absolutely nothing about me. He never asks me about my job, my experiences, or my opinions. If he ever does buy me a gift, it almost always demonstrates that he doesn’t know me at all – at least lately. It’s not like he was the most attentive man in the world when we were dating. That is just not his way. But he did pay attention to me and care about my happiness then. He was invested in me. Now it seems like he doesn’t care either way. Of course, this makes me worried about my marriage. Despite his neglect, I still love him and I still want my marriage. But his behavior makes me think that he doesn’t.”

I feel your pain. No one wants to feel ignored. But, it is worse when the person who is seemingly indifferent to you is the same person who is supposed to be the most invested in your happiness and wellbeing. You are not overreaching or being petty by worrying about this. It can be a serious issue that can damage your marriage. That said, there may be some considerations that you are missing that might help you to turn this around. I’ll discuss them below.

There Are Non-Catastrophic Reasons That Your Husband May Be Inattentive Or Appear Uncaring: I promise that I am not trying to minimize your husband’s behavior. It’s incredibly hurtful, insensitive, and harmful. However, although most of us assume that this behavior means that he doesn’t love us any more or just doesn’t care, not only can this be untrue, but it can destroy your marriage as though it were true, even when it’s not.

Husbands under stress can become preoccupied with their own issues and therefore do not pay attention. Husbands can also begin to take their wives and their marriages for granted when you have been together for a comfortable period of time. Or, husbands can assume that, because you are married, you know that you are loved, so therefore they just don’t need to make such a gallant effort. None of these reasons may make you feel any better, but the good news is that they can be overcome. 

The Common, But Destructive Pattern You Might Be In: Please keep an open mind for what I am about to say. Because this is a pattern that I see many couples fall into – including myself before my separation. Sometimes, there is a relatively benign reason that your husband disengages. However, once he does, understandably, you become concerned.  

Of course, you want the attention and care of your own spouse. So you begin trying behaviors meant to help you get it. When someone isn’t paying attention to you, it is just human nature to ratchet up your attempts until they have no choice.  So you become louder.  You become more insistent and demonstrative.

Unfortunately, from my own experience, eventually, these behaviors become negative ones. We get angry. We make accusations. We guilt. We nag. We create drama. And we aren’t doing this maliciously. We often don’t even realize that we are doing it. But we so desperately want his attention and his caring that we begin to not even care how we get it. We’d rather he be angry or annoyed at us than to ignore us altogether.

But do you know what happens? As you get louder and more instant with your requests for attention, he pulls away even more. You end up getting less of what you want and he feels no closer to you. So now you are stuck in a vicious cycle where both of you may intensify the negative behaviors that no one wants.

So how do you begin to fix it? As unfair as it is going to sound, you tone down any negative or pressuring behavior that could make your husband feel like he just can’t win. You show him the behaviors that you yourself want. I know, I know. It may feel like you’re the one making the concessions and doing the work. But…. it is the best plan that gets you more of what you want – it brings your husband closer to you and entices him to be more invested in you. 

So, if you want him to take an interest in your life, take an obvious interest in his. Genuinely and enthusiastically ask him about his day, his friends, his opinions, and his experiences. If you do this often and well enough, he is going to ask you about yours eventually. And when he does? Praise him. Tell him how good it makes you feel that he wants to know and cares. It may seem silly, but positive reinforcement is a very effective tool in helping you to get the attention and interest that you want and need. 

You may have to prod him along for a little while until the behavior becomes more of a habit for him. He fell into the pattern of inattention, but he can also fall into precisely the opposite with the right encouragement.  

I know it may seem like I’m asking you to do a little groundwork. But, in my experience, it’s worth it. I know how painful it is to live with a husband’s constant indifference, and I also know how damaging this is to your marriage.  I almost ended up divorced because of a similar pattern.  We did reconcile, but it could have been avoided.  If it helps, you can read about how I got it together and got my husband back at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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