Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Wives can be very disappointed that their marital separation is not going as well as they might have hoped.  Many had anticipated that the separation would make their husband miss them and, as the result, would bring them closer together.  However, unfortunately, sometimes the opposite happens and the wife finds the distance only growing.

One of these wives might say: “when my husband was pushing for a trial separation, he said that being separated would probably make us miss one another like crazy.  He repeatedly promised that he would keep in close contact with me on a daily basis.  And he made it sound like, although we would be living apart, we would still be spending time together and he would still represent to people that we are husband and wife.  Well, unfortunately, the opposite has happened.  The phone calls certainly aren’t an everyday occurrence. In fact, I often have to take the initiative and call him.  We have seen other a couple of times, but it’s certainly not a planned or reoccurring thing.  The other day, I happened to run into my husband at a coffee shop by our house.  He was there with one of our mutual friends. I felt certain that he would motion for me to join them, but he just waved at me and then continued on with his conversation and then, after a few minutes, he left.  I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that he’s most definitely distancing himself from me right now.  Why might he be doing this?   And what can I do about it?”  I’ll try to answer these concerns in the following article.

He Might Be Trying To Assert The Independence That He Still Feels He Needs: Men often push for separations because they feel that they need this time and space in order to determine how they really feel about their marriage.  They may also want to know what it feels like to live or to function alone.  Sometimes, through, they aren’t completely upfront about this because they know that if their wife suspects how much space they want, she is going to have her reservations about the separation.  So sometimes, they will try to make you believe that not a whole lot is going to change.  They’ll promise that you will see each other and communicate regularly.  They may even initially believe that this will be true.  But once the separation starts, they might find that they need or want more space and they want to assert some of their new found freedom before they make any rash decisions.

Sometimes, their wife is more clingy or demanding than they might have hoped.  In other words, they often really hoped that they would have some time to themselves, but then their wife is suddenly making demands on their time so they feel that they are going to need to create some distance in order to assert themselves.  So, this is their way of telling you to back up a little bit because they still need and want some space.  Now, does this mean that he’s never going to allow you to be close to him or that he’s never going to want to reach out to you during the separation? Not necessarily.  But it can mean that, for whatever reason, he’s still trying to get some distance or space and, in order to obtain this, he is currently distancing himself from you.

What Can You Do When He’s Distancing Himself? What Is The Best Option?: I know firsthand that it’s very tempting to try to push even harder.  I’m sure that when this wife saw her husband at that coffee shop, it was all she could do not to pull up a chair or to call after him and ask why was he leaving in such a rush. Often though, the harder you push, the more he is going to pull away.  And this is often a very damaging dynamic.  Because the wife feels more rejected and the husband feels more hesitant.  And then you can have a very vicious cycle on your hands where you fear the worst and you lose control of your feelings and your actions.

From my own experience, I would suggest that you be very calculated with your actions.  Ask yourself how often you and your husband committed to speak to or see one another.  Then commit to only reach out that often and nothing more.  You should not set it up so that you are the only one who is doing the reaching out.  You do not want to appear desperate or undesirable.  I know that this is very difficult. I know that sometimes you are  going to need to literally force yourself to back up a little bit.  But often when you reach out as you agreed and then back off when it is time to do so, you will find that your husband no longer needs to distance himself because he has no reason to avoid  you.  And sometimes, when you suddenly change your stance,  he will become curious and will begin reaching out to you.

Because ultimately, this is what you want – a balance.  It is preferable when both of you are initiating the meetings and the contact.  Because when you fear that you’re the only one who cares, it can feel like a rejection.  And it’s my belief that it can be a strategic mistake to introduce this dynamic into your separation. So to answer  the question posed, I believe that you should stick with the original plan if it is at all possible. If you agreed to talk or see each other once a week, then reach out at that time. But don’t push it too hard.  And if he is resistant, back off a little bit to see if this improves things.  Because continuing to push is often the worst thing that you can do, as your husband will only distance himself more.

My husband most definitely distanced himself during our separation.  And this induced panic in me.  I am not proud of my reaction and my behavior almost made a reconciliation impossible.  It wasn’t until I gained control over my feelings and myself that I was able to pull back.  And when I did, suddenly my husband was interested again.  If it helps, you can read that very emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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