Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: You don’t often read about a spouse’s job as being a common cause of marital issues, separation, or divorce. But I’d argue that it is an extremely common complaint from couples whose marriage is trouble. Sure, it may not rank as high as money issues or infidelity. But I hear from many wives in particular who say that their husband’s workaholism is destroying their marriage.

I might hear a comment like this one, “my husband is an unapologetic workaholic. He loves to complain about how stressful his job is. But the truth is, I believe there’s nowhere he’d rather be than his office with his employees. How do I know this? Because he spends at least twice as much time there than he does at home. And when he fit his family into his busy schedule, he’s not really here even if he is with us. He’ll constantly answer emails or take phone calls. He’s often distracted or in a horrible mood because he takes his work issues home with him. Sometimes I think our kids don’t even look forward to him coming home from work, because not only does he not pay attention to them, he’s short-tempered. Sometimes it feels like his job is the most persuasive thing in all our lives. It takes up the most time, and we all have to tap dance around it. We fight about it all the time. Things got so bad last week that he talked about moving out. It’s destroying our marriage, but it’s not like I can demand that he leave his job. He would refuse anyway, and we all depend upon his salary. Am I being overly dramatic? His workaholic ways mean that he never makes me, our kids, or our marriage a priority, and I feel that our family is in real trouble because of it.”

The Various Ways That Over-Work Can Negatively Affect Your Marriage, Your Family, And You Individually: I do not think you are overreacting at all. I believe that there are several important ways that a work/life imbalance can damage a marriage, and I’m going to list just a few of them to stress how important it is that you address this issue.

When your spouse puts most of his emotional energy toward his job, that leaves too little left for him to spend toward you and his children. He’ll be too tired, too late, or too preoccupied to show up for the events and actions that are so vital for a healthy family and marriage. He’ll also get into the habit of putting other things before what should be the most important people in his life. He may have little time and energy to socialize and build important community connections. This dynamic can lead to diminishing intimacy and empathy, both of which are vital for a lasting, happy marriage. Without these things, you may notice that you’re frequently arguing with, avoiding, or resenting your spouse – all of which are extremely problematic because they further feed into an already problematic cycle.

I don’t paint this bleak picture for any other reason than to stress how important it is to address a serious work/life imbalance as soon as you notice it. If you do nothing, you may quickly have a very large, marriage-threatening problem on your hands.

Understand That He May See His Over-Work As A Necessary Evil For The Sake Of His Family. It May Be One Way That He Shows Love: Many husbands in this situation firmly believe that they are doing the best thing for their family by working so hard. To them, being a good provider is one of the most effective ways to show love for their wife and kids.

They don’t necessarily understand that cash and / or assets do not provide intimacy and the emotional connection that most wives crave. No, we want time, care, and attention. We want one-on-one interaction, which runs counter to him working so much.

Most husbands do not understand this irony, though. They think that they ARE showing their love by trying to advance in their career to ensure their family’s financial security.

How To Avoid Alienating Your Spouse When He’s A Workaholism Is Hurting Your Marriage: The most common (and understandable) reaction that many of us have is to attempt to bring our spouse’s attention to his overwork by complaining about it as loudly and as often as possible. This is probably the least effective strategy. Because most busy husbands will tune you out or become defensive. He’ll convince himself that you’re only compounding his stress with your complaints, so he doesn’t have the time to listen to your misplaced gripes anyway. This can become a vicious cycle where you’re lonely since he’s working all of the time, so you complain in an attempt to get more of his time. He’s annoyed at the complaints, so he tunes out your message and actually offers less of his time. So your complaints get louder and more insistent, which only reinforces his staying away.

Instead, try to see this in a way that allows you to gently ask for what you want, and then offer solutions that will appeal to both of you.

Striking A Compromise: It’s very important to validate your husband’s financial commitment to his family, while at the same time gently letting him know that you, your marriage, and your family need a little more.

But don’t approach him when he comes home from work dead tired or stressed out. Wait until you are both in a decent mood, and try something like, “it’s so rare lately that we are at the same place at the same time. I miss having one-on-one time with you. Would you be able to take a couple of hours this week to go out – just the two of us?”

At first, he may balk or tell you that he is busy. But keep trying. Some wives have to surprise their husbands with a night out to get him to go along guilt-free.

Once you do get some time together, keep things very light and playful. Your goal is to make your husband see that being with YOU can be his escape. He doesn’t always need to escape with his work. With regular, scheduled time together, he can learn that there is an escape in his marriage and his family.

Make Sure You Offer Positive Reinforcement When He Complies: When your husband gives you more of his time and emotional energy, praise him. Tell him how good it makes you feel to have his time and attention. Tell him how much you miss him. This will make him WANT to give you more of his time. This will make him realize that he can give you what you need in ways that have nothing to do with money.

At the same time, realize that he still likely equates your financial security with his love and responsibility. So in those cases when he just can’t get away, find ways to entertain yourself and know there are phases in marriages. There are times in every marriage where there are hectic patches, even though both people love one another very much.

My husband is certainly my go-to person to do things with. But sometimes, he just can’t be available. During those times, I’ve learned that I can find someone else or I can entertain myself. Doing so means that I’m not as resentful when my husband is available, and we can enjoy the time that we do have together.

Hang in there. I hope this article has shown you that it is important to take action, but how you take the action can make all of the difference.  Ignoring my own marital issues didn’t mean they went away.  Instead, it meant we separated.  We eventually reconciled, but not before many close calls and hurtful mistakes. You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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