Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If you’ve found this article, chances are you either are separated or about to be. And you’d still like to explore the possibility of saving your marriage. However, like many of us, you may fear doing something wrong and hurting your chances.

You don’t want your actions or mistakes to jeopardize your reconciliation. So perhaps even more than wondering what you should do during this separation, you want to know what mistakes to avoid.

I’m not much of an expert on many topics. But I do understand something about damaging mistakes that one can make while separated.

I know because I made many of these mistakes. And, just like I feared, they did almost thwart my ability to save my marriage.

So I’m going to list what I’ve come to believe are the most troublesome (and most common) mistakes that people make while separated. Especially when they want to reconcile.

Having All or Nothing Thinking: I understand why things feel immediate when you are separated. Things can feel quite dire, and you can convince yourself that you only have a finite, short time to right this ship.

If you don’t, your spouse may lose interest or think about divorce.

Although these things can be true occasionally, the biggest danger you face is that your behavior RIGHT NOW is going to turn your spouse off.

When you begin to feel desperate, you act in an unattractive way. At a time when you most need patience, confidence, and determination, you’re instead concentrated on lack and fear.

So you’re likely going to attract the thing you dread.

Tell yourself that this may be a gradual process, and vow to hang in there. The situation can change and improve quickly. Have faith.

Not Working In the Spirit of Compromise and Cooperation: Understandably, there can be a good deal of resentment during a separation.

Sometimes, one spouse wants it while the other does not.

Both people can be angry, resentful, or scared. And these types of negative feelings can encourage pettiness, one-upmanship, and lashing out.

If you truly want to reconcile as soon as possible, these petty competitions must be avoided at all costs.

It’s important that you and your spouse still feel like you are working together as part of a team, even if you can’t quite get it together just yet.

It’s vital that you and your spouse still see yourselves as part of “we.”

Not Seeing Things From Your Spouse’s Point of View: I am fully aware that this suggestion might rub people the wrong way, but hear me out.

Often, we get caught up in where our spouse is wrong. And selfish. And confused.

And we are sure that we are right. And justified. And morally superior.

But this type of thinking is just more of the same when it comes to “me” versus “them.”

Do you know why else you should put yourself in your spouses’ shoes?

You need empathy now more than ever.

Empathy can completely change your approach, and this can transform your separation.

I’ll give you an example. When I was separated, I greatly resented one of my husband’s friends.

I blamed this friend for some of our issues, as this friend was single and always referred to my husband as ‘tied down.’

One day during my separation, we were arguing about the friend and my husband muttered, “You don’t understand how he has been there for me. After I had my accident, he was the only friend who visited me every day. He didn’t turn his back on me. And I won’t turn my back on him. ”

(My husband had a terrible accident in his youth and went through a hard recovery later.)

It had never occurred to me that he associated this friend with emotional support.

Once I saw my husband as that injured youth who needed a friend, I was able to completely drop this gripe. And my husband saw that I was willing to compromise. Which changed things significantly.

Not Understanding that Things Can and Do Change: I am going to admit that I felt pretty depressed during my separation.

As things continued to deteriorate, I became sure that my husband didn’t really want me and wasn’t interested in reconciling.

Looking back, I still believe this was true at one point, but things didn’t stay this way.

You can always reaccess and change your strategy at any time.

You can always try to come at a problem in another way.

You can always apologize and begin again.

Don’t dig yourself into a hole of despair. Don’t make your spouse think that you’re going to be in a shadow of doom and gloom every time he sees you.

If you have faith that your situation can change (and you vow to do your part to change it) your attitude will change for the better.

If You Aren’t Objective Enough to See and Fix the Biggest Issues, Seek Third-Party Insight: I’ve gone on the record saying that I don’t think you should try to address major issues early into your separation.

Your marriage is fragile right then, and a more realistic goal is to just reestablish a close and easy rapport with your spouse.

That way, once you try to work on your issues, you’re no longer resentful or guarded.

However, when it’s time to get down to the work of addressing what separated you, be honest about your progress.

If you keep brushing up against the same old thing – ask and then listen to someone who isn’t you or your spouse.

That might be a counselor.

Or a church elder.

Or an older family member.

Or even self-help.

But if you’re repeatedly running into the same issues, you are probably missing something, or you lack a perspective that an objective person could offer.

Please don’t lose hope.  I think my marriage looked as hopeless as any during my own separation and I turned it around.  I believe that this is possible in many situations.  You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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