Leslie Cane Articles

I often hear from women who are newly separated and who use words like “grieving” and “loss” to describe their current situation. I understand this. Like myself, many of these wives did not want the separation in the first place. And so they DO feel like they have lost something. You go from thinking that you have a secure and happy future with your husband to wondering if you are going to have any future marriage at all. It’s very difficult to not know what tomorrow is going to bring. I know that feeling very well and I grieved also.

Having said that, I do sometimes feel that people tend to see a separation as the same thing as a divorce. In my opinion, this just isn’t true. Some tend to assume that if you become separated, you will be divorced a short time later. I can’t speak for all states or of the legalities of a separation. But I can tell you that I was separated but never divorced and I know many others who are in the same boat.

And yes, I certainly grieved the perceived loss of my marriage and my future. I don’t want to say that this is not a legitimate emotion and fear. People who begin separated DO sometimes end up divorced. Not everyone is going to be able to reconcile. But I think that it can be a mistake to just assume that a divorce is forthcoming when a separation begins. For example, someone might say: “I’ve been separated for four weeks. During that time, I’ve been deeply grieving. I feel like I have lost a great deal of my future. I planned to grow old with my husband. We planned to travel and see the world. Now I feel like I’m going to have the see the world all by myself and this is a very depressing thought. I don’t feel nearly as excited about my future. I feel such a deep sense of loss. And I know that my husband is a good person, so I feel as if I have lost something valuable. Even when we speak, I hold myself back, as if I don’t want to get too attached to him, because I know that I am eventually going to have to let him go.”

When I hear comments like this, I always wonder if the couple are already hammering out their divorce agreement with their attorneys. Some of the time, they are not. It’s just a case of someone assuming that a separation and a divorce are basically the same thing. For some couples, they are not. Some couples choose to separate because they are not sure if they want to divorce. Some hope that they will be able to work things out before a divorce becomes necessary.

Many people understand this intellectually, but they don’t want to get their hopes up for a reconciliation when everything has gone wrong lately. Many of them had hoped that a separation would not be necessary, but then it was. So they feel as if it’s almost inevitable that they are going to lose their relationship for good. I do understand this. I had the same fears. But I believe that this type of fear doesn’t serve you because it can cloud your behavior. You might approach your husband with a lack of confidence or be afraid to approach him at all. As a result, you might make a divorce more likely.

It took me a long time to realize this, but I ultimately decided that until the ink was dry on divorce papers, I was not going to write my marriage off. This was difficult, because at the time, my husband wasn’t giving me a lot of hope. So in order to not let my hopes die, I just kind of shelved the issue for a while. I went out with my friends, spent time with my family, and pursued hobbies that I used to not have time for. I tried to take the focus off of my marriage and my separation and place the focus on myself. I basically just hit a pause button and waited to see what would happen.

This allowed for things to calm down and my husband eventually reached out to me. We moved at a very slow and gradual pace. No one was in a hurry to reconcile or divorce. We just allowed things to happen as naturally as possible. And eventually, we did reconcile and we are still married today. (You can read the rest of the story at http://isavedmymarriage.com)

That’s why I totally understand why wives can feel a deep loss during their separation and can mourn. However, unless you and your husband are actually pursuing a divorce, I am not sure that you have to assume that your marriage is over. Even when things don’t look good, things can change. I’m sure that many of my friends thought that I was going to end up divorced simply because my husband was not all that invested anymore. And yet, here we are today. The point that I am trying to make is that while I think you can grieve the certainty of your marriage during a separation, it can be a mistake to assume that it’s ALWAYS over. Because sometimes, it is not over.

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