Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many of the people on this site did not want to separate from their spouses. Therefore, most people here desperately miss their separated spouse. But they aren’t sure what to do with those feelings. Should they share this information? Or keep it bottled up? After all, isn’t it a good bet that the partner who initiated the separation won’t feel the same way and may therefore rebuff or even reject the partner who is doing the missing?

Someone might say, “My husband and I are getting along okay during the separation that he wanted. And by okay, I mean that we are cordial and aren’t fighting. I am grateful that we do communicate. It isn’t as much as or as warm as I would like, but we do communicate regularly – which is somewhat due to our children. We want to make sure that our situation is healthy for everyone involved. That said, it doesn’t feel completely healthy for me. Separating from my husband is basically my worst fear and dread come true. I am so lonely. I am so frightened. I feel so compromised – like I’m only running on half a tank because part of me is gone. I miss him so much that sometimes I can honestly think of nothing else. I forget things that I would otherwise remember effortlessly. I’m making silly mistakes at my job. I want him to know how this is affecting me. I want to tell him how desperately much I miss him, but I suspect that this might be a mistake. I am trying to come off like I am handling things, but I honestly don’t know if my husband is buying it or not. I hate feeling like I’m not being honest. He’s my husband and, in a perfect world, I feel like I should be able to tell him anything. Should I tell him that I miss him?”

You know your husband better than I do. You would probably also have a better handle on how he might react. But, I can definitely offer you some things to think about before you decide whether to come out with it. 

How You Handle The Delivery Is As Important As What You Say: This may sound odd, but there is a big difference in an “I miss you,” said in a kind of desperate or pleading tone that is meant to guilt your husband or elicits pity. If you have any inkling or fear that your “I miss you,” will come off like this, then I’d say nothing at all. 

Likewise, if you’re going to tell him that you miss him like it’s a surprising development, I’d avoid that too. If we’re being honest and pragmatic about this, he is your husband. He knows that you didn’t want the separation, and he probably already knows that you miss him. Pretending that you don’t probably won’t fool anyone.  

Understand Why It Could Go Wrong So You Won’t Step Into Common Mistakes: A husband who wants space or time apart isn’t likely to react in the way you want to anything that makes him feel selfish or worse about his decision.  

So if your aim is to let him know that missing him means you’re struggling, I honestly would not advise it (although read on for when I WOULD advise it.) He may think that you’re trying to manipulate him. You are toying with telling him in part because you want to be (and feel) closer to him. But making him feel negative emotions is likely to have the opposite effect. 

If you’re going to make this announcement, you need to make things BETTER and not worse. 

Sharing That You’re Missing Him Strategically:  Since he likely already suspects how you feel, you have to ask yourself if you can gain anything by vocalizing it. In other words, if you are going to do it, you want to do it strategically. You want something positive to come out of it. 

Some wives inadvertently do this by telling him they miss him to gauge his receptiveness (which could work if done correctly.) Others feel momentarily needy and let it spill out (which often doesn’t work.)  

However, if you aim to tell him sincerely that you miss him in a kind of nostalgic, and wistful way as you continue to live your own life, it could work to show him your resistance, strength, and determination (which could be of value.) You could also say it matter-of-factly as though you wish things were different and then they go about the business of coping and carrying on. In this case, you’d be portrayed from a position of strength rather than weakness.

 It should be clear that you don’t have any agenda other than to just share your feelings, with no expectations of changing or influencing his feelings. 

Can You Say It In A Flirty Or Funny Way That Might Actually Make This Work Further In Your Favor?:  Better yet, if you can say it in a flirty or funny way that actually gets a laugh or a light-hearted, or even flirty reaction from your husband, then you’ve actually used this painful feeling to your advantage – to advance your position. That’s more than a win.

For example, if your husband helps you with something around the house, you could say, “you know, it’s handy having you around. I miss the heck out of you.” Or if your husband makes you laugh you could try, “I’ve missed this. I haven’t laughed this way since you left.”

Options like this definitely communicate that you miss him, but they aren’t desperate and they encourage him to come back with his own light-hearted one-liner if he wants to. The communication isn’t loaded or pressure-filled, so it is less likely to backfire. 

I hope that you see the difference. Unfortunately, I know all of this because I came off as desperate and needy during my own separation. Obviously, this didn’t do me any favors and I almost ended up divorced. It wasn’t until I learned how to play the game a little better that things change. You can read the rest of the story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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