Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Often, when you are separated but still invested in your marriage, a reconciliation is all that you can think about. That reconciliation can seem like the end of the rainbow or the end goal that requires that you overcome countless obstacles. Many people figure that if they can somehow just get to that point of reconciliation, the rest will take care of itself and you will finally be on track once again. But sometimes, you don’t anticipate that your feelings might change, evolve or become confused.

To demonstrate, I might hear from a wife who says: “for the first month or so of our separation, all I could think about was how I was going to convince my husband to reconcile with me. Every time we got together, I would try to make sure that things went well between us. I missed my husband so much but I tried not to come across as needy. Very gradually, things began to slowly improve between us. Admittedly, we only saw one another a couple of times per week, but when we did, I always felt encouraged. This went on for a few months. During that time, I began to get a little more independent. I started enjoying going out with friends more. Last week, my husband said he would be open to a reconciliation. I was thrilled. We agreed that we would see each other regularly for a couple of months and then if things are still going well, he will move back home. The problem is that things don’t feel the way that I hoped. I assumed that we would resume the easy rapport we had. But, that hasn’t happened. Things feel awkward instead. On the days I’m supposed to see my husband, I find myself wishing I could go out with my friends, where I feel more relaxed. I’m not sure about my feelings anymore. I think that I still want to reconcile, but I’m bothered that my feelings aren’t what I expected.”

Believe it or not, this is a very common problem. When you spend so much time apart and when so much is at stake because of the attempted reconciliation, emotions are bound to be high. And things are often awkward because both parties are concerned about how the other is feeling.  So the fact that your feelings are all over the place doesn’t make you unusual in the least. This is very common.

When my husband and I first began the process of reconciling, I was always worried that he was going to change his mind or back out. So I was always insecure and needy. Of course, as a result, he pulled away from me and there were moments during our reconciliation when things almost fell apart.

However, we were committed to trying to see this through so we both told one another that we would hang in there for a certain amount of time and not make any drastic decisions until then. I have never regretted that because, although we did have some rough weeks, eventually things ironed themselves out and our reconciliation was successful. We are still together today.

I tell you this because I would suggest that it is a good idea to attempt to see this through. We often are tempted to walk away just as we are getting what we want. This type of self sabotage is so very common. Just as we begin to get a taste of what we’ve been waiting for, we worry that it will not work out or that we don’t deserve it or that maybe we should quit now in order to spare ourselves some pain.

I don’t think it hurts to just keep going and see what happens. Frankly, I think it’s possible things feel awkward because suddenly, there is more pressure on the situation. When you were seeing one another a couple times per week, there was less pressure. So it was easier to have a light hearted, good time. But when you ratchet up the interactions, the pressure also rises. And this is why you get that awkwardness. I think that it might be helpful to step back and to tell yourself that nothing is set in stone. You can always reevaluate later if you need to. Right now, I would try to focus on things from one day to the next. Don’t look too far ahead or risk sabotage. Just remind yourself that you have reached your goal and you are going to enjoy this.

Know that your feelings may need a while to sort themselves out. It may take getting into a comfortable routine where you know what to expect so that your comfort level increases. And once this happens, your feelings should become more stable also. But, at least in my opinion, bowing out so early in the process when it’s normal to have conflicting feelings, would be leaving the game too early.

I don’t mean to make light of your feelings.  But in my experience, feelings can change and stabilize quite quickly.You’re welcome to read more about my own reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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