Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many separated spouses come to believe that their marital status is in jeopardy due to a lack of love. Over time, many wives have come to believe that their husbands don’t love them anymore and this is 99% of what lead to the separation. Therefore, they reason, if they could just get their husband to fall in love with them again, they could reconcile and move on with their marital lives.

A wife might say, “my husband has been living somewhere else for about five weeks. He is the one who wanted this. I did not. When he tries to justify separating and moving out, he’ll say things like, ‘I’m just not sure if I’m feeling it anymore.’ Or ‘I don’t know what I want.’ When you combine this with the way he has been treating me, it’s pretty clear that he doesn’t think he’s in love with me anymore. One of his best friends just got remarried and he always compares our very long-term relationship to this new relationship, so my husband convinces himself that we don’t measure up. He also just never seems interested in me or what I’m doing anymore. It’s like he’s detached himself. I’ve tried asking him to do things with me. He usually comes up with an excuse not to. And when he can’t make an excuse, he’s generally polite but not invested. He treats me like a friend instead of a wife. I can’t help but thinking that if I could make him love me again, most of these issues would disappear. We’ve argued more in the last several months, but I can’t pinpoint a catastrophic problem or anything. The biggest issue seems to be his lack of interest and investment. How can I get it back?”

Feeling Intimacy and Loving Feelings ARE Important: I think that some of your instincts are correct. Returning the intimacy and ease of communication in a marriage CAN minimize the issues that lead to the separation. And it can also make most issues easier to navigate. It’s a great start, but it usually doesn’t solve every issue. That said, I always encourage separated spouses to try to restore intimacy first. But I also encourage doing it gradually so that you don’t risk having to push too hard so that you make things worse.

Don’t Make Incorrect Assumptions About His Lack Of Love For You: Many separated people go about it believing that their spouse feels very little love for them at all, so they try large sweeping gestures that either don’t work or make their spouse suspicious or even more stand-offish. You probably don’t need to start from a place of scarcity so that you’re coming on too strong. In fact, it helps to ask yourself if your assumptions about his feelings are accurate.

He Probably Still Loves You, But The Feelings Are Dormant Or Pushed Aside: I have been through a separation and I communicate with others going through them. I’ve come to believe that most of the time, the spouses still harbor some love for one another. Love is not something that you turn off and on in a very short amount of time. Even divorced people will often admit that they will always love the person who is no longer their spouse. The type of love that it takes to marry someone doesn’t just go away.

Often, anger, frustration, or even neglect will put that love into hiding. It will go dormant and both spouses may even believe that the love is actually gone. But I think that this is rarely the case. More often, the feelings haven’t been the focus, so people come to believe that they are gone when they’re not.

Go In With Confidence, Not Fear: If you work under the assumption that the feelings are only dormant, you’re going to come at this much differently. This distinction often means that you can drop the underlying desperation or overblown sense of urgency.

Yes, it’s not ideal to be separated. It’s certainly not the desired state for your marriage to be in. But you are not divorced. You still have a spouse with which to work. So approach it from a place of strength rather than weakness.

And understand the advantages that you do have. Yes, your relationship is not shiny and new, like your husband’s best friend’s relationship. But it is seasoned. And it has a history. No one likely knows your spouse quite as well as you do.

You know what he responds to. You know what he runs from. You know how to be genuine with him. So use these things to your advantage.

Accept That You Can’t “Make” Him Do Anything: When people ask me how to “make” their husband love them again, I wince. Yet, I said this exact same phrase during my own separation, so I know what a huge mistake it is to think that you can make a separated husband do anything. Nor would you actually want to. Here’s why. Anytime your husband believes that there is manipulation involved, you risk resentment and push back. One of your biggest goals during your separation is to get his willing receptiveness to you. If thinks you’re trying to bring him around via any type of force, he’s going to try to stop you, which isn’t what you want.

Be Genuine, And Go Slowly: Many wives feel that they need to go on elaborate or romantic dates to get the love back. Or they make huge gestures. The problem is that the husband is often very resistant to this because he can see you coming a mile away. And these kinds of “high stakes” outings are often rife with pressure so that no one can relax and enjoy themselves.

That’s why I typically feel that you should avoid these loaded outings, especially in the beginning. Stick with short, easy exchanges where you can be relaxed and playful. This might mean that you pick something that doesn’t actually look like a date. It might mean that you pick whatever your husband will agree to and you just capitalize on being together in an easy, comfortable way.

Honestly, my husband and I made a huge deal of progress in a historical park close to home that we’d never visited before. I think it was chosen because it was neutral territory for both of us and we had some non-relationship things to discuss.

At first, we just learned something new, side by side. We didn’t talk about our relationship at all. But it was a beautiful day. The experience was engaging. And there was no pressure at all. The only thing we had to do was to enjoy ourselves.

These kinds of relaxed interactions set a new tone. We had more of them. So eventually, we DID talk about our relationship and were able to make progress and reconcile. But initially, that wasn’t really the goal. I just wanted to be comfortable in his presence again and knew I’d figure out the rest later.

You Don’t Make Him Fall Back In Love, You Set Up Circumstances That Encourage Loving Feelings: I hope this article has shown you that trying to “make” him fall back in love is the wrong approach. But you can certainly encourage him to feel remember that he still loves you by taking an easy, gradual approach. Tone down the tension. Play up the enduring partnership. Be someone willing to listen without expectation. Make it so that he looks forward to speaking with (and eventually being with ) you. You’re coaxing the love back. You don’t have to rebuild it from the ground up as if it’s completely absent. You just have to encourage it to grow again.

Once it’s back, you’ll be in a much better position to work through whatever lead to the separation.  You can read about how I did that when I started with a very reluctant husband at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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