Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It can be a very difficult thing to hear your husband tell you that he doesn’t want to be married to you anymore. It’s a hopeless feeling to believe that the future of your marriage is entirely out of your hands. It can feel as if no matter what you do, you’re subject to the whims of someone else – and someone who doesn’t love you in the same way that he used to.

A wife might say, “I told my mother that my husband has started to say that he isn’t sure if he wants to be married anymore. He’s told me that he’s unhappy being married, and he thinks he might be happier being single. He says our problems are just too numerous to overcome. I disagree with this more than I can express. Although we have more than a few problems, most of them stem from the same thing – money, power, and who makes the decisions in our marriage. If we could solve these things, they are all related to every issue that we have. My mother doesn’t buy any of this. She says that as soon as an unhappy man wants out of his marriage in the way that mine does, it’s over. There’s nothing more that you can do. She says that I might get him to change his mind for a short period of time, but all I would be doing is delaying the inevitable. She says he’s eventually going to be gone for good no matter how much time I’m able to buy myself. Is she right? I’m not sure that I could stand trying my very best only to face the pain of him rejecting me twice. Can anything be done when a man wants out of his marriage?”

There is Always Something That You Can Try:

Everyone is different. But if nothing could be done when a man was unhappy in his marriage, I wouldn’t be married today. I find that people who couldn’t save their own relationships will sometimes tell you that you can’t save yours. You don’t have to listen if you don’t think that’s not in your best interests.

There was a time when my husband made no secret about his unhappiness. We separated, and he moved out. It took a long time for me to gain any ground. In fact, I had friends and family telling me that the best thing I could do for myself would be to give up and bow out gracefully. I couldn’t bring myself to do that. Honestly, I really tried for a while. But I just couldn’t do it. Instead, I worked on addressing what I could – myself and the marital issues over which I had some control. And that is why I’m still married today.

Pick Your Issues Carefully:

Admittedly, I couldn’t control what my husband did or felt. But I did have some control over what happened between us when we were together or when we did interact. As I was able to make some gradual and notable improvements, my husband’s perceptions of the hopelessness of our situation began to improve just a little. At the time, that didn’t amount to a hill of beans in terms of completely saving my marriage, but it was still something. It was better than the situation continuing to deteriorate. And it gave me a reason to keep going.

In Order to Have a Chance, You Usually Must Change Something That Your Husband Will Notice and Appreciate:

Your mother might be right in her assertion that nothing would change if your situation was going to stay the same. In other words, if you did absolutely nothing to change your husband’s level of discontent, what incentive would he have to change his mind about wanting out of the marriage?

If, on the other hand, you get real honest about why your husband is unhappy and then you successfully and methodically address each reason as you can, you have a much better chance of changing his mind.

Your husband has already given you a big clue or a road map of sorts. He’s said that he thinks your problems are too numerous. But what would happen if suddenly some of those problems began to drop away? He could no longer make that argument.

Now, I admit, you’re going to have to choose the problems that you can begin to tackle on your own. You’re going to have to look at places where you’ve been unwilling to give or yield in the past. You’re going to need to ask yourself if you yourself would want to be married to you and why. And then dig a little deeper. Where could you change to be a better spouse? What could you do to make each day a little better? What could you do to lighten your husband’s load and show him that you care every single day?

I’m asking these things because a man who feels seen, cared for, and heard is going to have less of a reason to look for an exit than a man who does not.

I don’t mean to imply that all of the work should fall on your shoulders, but right now, it makes sense to at least begin to make some changes alone. That way, there’s no need to wait and you can get started right away.

Once he sees that things can and will change, he will be much more likely to join you in making more changes, so that you won’t always be flying solo. But sometimes, you have to take those first few steps on your own when he isn’t as invested as you are, and that’s just fine.

Being proactive allows you to feel like you at least have some control over what happens. Because I know first hand that the helpless feeling you have when you know he wants to leave benefits no one. It will make you desperate and it will cloud your judgment. So try not to go there. Instead, go to a place that will allow you to take back some control and make some positive changes.

I’m not asking you to do anything that is not going to benefit you in the long run. I’m not asking you to do anything that you are uncomfortable with. But we can all find places where we can make a change when we’re honest with ourselves.

Hopefully, these small changes will inspire your husband to join you. And when he does, there’s no reason to think that nothing can be done about him not wanting to be married anymore.  I am an example that shows there is always something you can do.  You can read more of my story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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