Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: The majority of wives who visit this site are extremely motivated to reconcile with their separated husbands. I know this because the search terms used to reach the site often deal with reconciliation after marital separation. My “most read” articles also deal with saving your marriage after separating, giving space, or taking a break. Most wives want to know how they will know if they are on the right track. What signs should they look for? What should they do if they aren’t seeing these signs? And how can they right the ship when everything seems to be going wrong or is taking too long?

A wife might say, “I know that I am not reconciling with my husband tomorrow. We clearly have a long way to go. I did not want to separate. I tried everything to delay it. But my husband just would not be talked out of it. He tried to make it seem like we’d be in constant contact so I wouldn’t have to worry, but that has not been the case. We do talk somewhat regularly, but he usually has some excuse to cut the conversation short. We have seen each other a handful of times and although we have pleasant interactions, there was nothing romantic about it. Most of my girlfriends and family assure me that this is just a rough patch and that my husband obviously still loves me. They tell me that, without any doubt, we will eventually reconcile. But I am starting to wonder if they are only trying to make me feel better so that I won’t panic. How do I know if we will reconcile?”

I know the fear that you are feeling. I have been in your exact shoes. And I know that it is no fun. I know how badly you want to end this separation and get your life, and your marriage back. Unfortunately, I can’t give you an exact way to know if you will reconcile. Short of having your husband asking to move back home, there isn’t any way to tell 100% guaranteed.

Still, there are often some patterns and behaviors that you will see before reconciliation takes place. Sometimes, these things happen in a more gradual way than you might like. But that can be okay. Gradual gains tend to be more lasting and can help give you confidence that you can actually trust them.

Are Things Are Better Today Than They Were Two Weeks Ago?: You can’t really expect every conversation and encounter to be perfect or even pleasant. The fact that you are separated implies that you have some issues to work through. That said, you do want to have a feeling of improvement. You should be able to compare this week with last week and feel as if you are seeing movement in his receptiveness to you, even if it’s only just a little.

Your Communication Builds Upon Itself And Is Increasingly Pleasant And Heading Toward Affectionate: It took me way too long to learn this during my own separation, but it is important to always interact with your husband with an eye toward your next conversation. I know that this may seem counterintuitive, but if you try to end today’s conversation in a good way so that he’ll happily take your next call, you’ve done yourself a great favor. This may seem simple, but it is easier said than done. Because when we are separated, we can be in a very vulnerable position and in need of reassurance. So we tend to pick at the scab or ask our husband for details that he isn’t ready to give.

Or we want to pick our marriage apart, thinking if we can just quickly patch it up, we can go about our way. The problem is that our marriage is often too vulnerable for this, and our “quick fixes” won’t last anyway, which will just cause more turmoil. I learned that it is best to leave the hard conversations for when you are back on firm ground.

Instead, keep things light and playful. You are much more likely to get affectionate contact this way. We’re not expecting for your husband to passionately approach you, but you want to eventually see some affectionate behavior, even if that’s just laying a hand on your back or brushing your arm.

He Is Initiating Some Of The Contact: My separation began to turn the corner after I allowed my husband to initiate the contact. This was a hard leap to make. Because I’d done all of the pushing and prodding initially. But, I had to reluctantly admit that this strategy wasn’t working. And I had to force myself to back off. I was sure it wouldn’t work. But eventually, it did. And things really changed once my husband began to initiate some of the contact. I became a bit more confident, so I relaxed more, which helped tremendously. You don’t need your husband to be falling all over himself to contact you daily. But, you do want to see him beginning to call you or reach out to you. Ideally, you are not the only one doing all of the work. Although it may start out this way in the beginning, you want to progress to him taking the initiative sometimes.

He Is Willing To Talk About And Make Plans For The Future: Every time I would suggest a trip or an outing that I knew both my husband and I would enjoy, he would shut me down. He simply did not want to get my hopes up or promise me any concrete event, (and looking back, this might have been kind at the time.) However, gradually, he did begin to loosely reference things that might occur in the future. Or, he wouldn’t shoot me down when I would do the same. And he began making attempts to take care of me in the future. For example, he would take care of maintenance on the house and on my car, showing me that he still cared about my well-being and intended to be around if something went wrong.

Are You Willing To Accept / Embrace A Methodical Approach?: I’ll be honest. I only wanted fast, painless results during my own separation. And this strategy greatly delayed my progress. It may seem that a methodical approach would delay things, but in my case, it helped tremendously. My husband was just unwilling to promise me a reconciliation immediately. And he wasn’t at all receptive to me when I pushed for this. In fact, he would avoid me if I pushed too hard. So you sometimes have to play the long game. You settle for small, daily victories realizing that next week, things are going to look much better because he will have no reason to avoid you. You assure yourself that you are in this for the long haul so you want this reconciliation to stick. So you are willing to move gradually to get what you really want long-term.

I know and understand where you are. You want to reconcile tonight. Right now. And maybe that is just around the corner for you because you are seeing everything I listed above. But if not, know that it doesn’t mean you won’t reconcile. It just might mean that a gradual timeline might be just the ticket, as it was for me. You can read the whole story of how I did it (and I’ll be honest, I lucked into some of it) at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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