Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who never really wanted a separation when they left their spouse. Instead, they were hoping that the act of leaving would inspire their spouse to show some real emotion for a change. Often, the idea is that leaving will scare a reluctant or non demonstrative spouse to spring into action, declare his love, and become a better and more attentive spouse.

Common comments in this situation are things like: “I will admit that when I left my husband, I only intended for this to be a very fast wake up call for him. He is so cold and inattentive to me. I have to nag him in order to spend any quality time with me. He used to be so sweet and loving but now he almost acts like a stranger. It doesn’t seem as if we have much in common anymore. I have tried to talk to my husband about this, but he doesn’t want to hear it. He doesn’t see any huge problems. He thinks that I am being overly dramatic and asking for too much. So, my leaving was meant to make my husband show real emotion toward me and to chase me. I wanted for him to take me seriously. But I haven’t gotten the reaction that I’d hoped for. He admitted that he was sad and disappointed that I left. He has repeatedly said that he hopes I’ll come back. But he’s not chasing me. He’s not declaring his love. He isn’t acting passionately toward me. So what happens now? I never really wanted a separation, but now I’m starting to think that he doesn’t even care enough to fight for me or our marriage.” I’ll try to address these concerns below.

Understand That His Lack Of Response Isn’t Necessarily A Rejection: I understood why the wife was so upset. She needed for her husband to step up to the plate and show her the emotion that had attracted her in the first place. And she saw his inability and his unwillingness to do this as a rejection. I completely understand this and I’ve felt it myself. But please understand that this situation doesn’t always mean that your husband doesn’t love you or doesn’t feel that you are worth fighting for.

I hear from a lot of men in this situation on my blog. And many of them will tell you that they aren’t acting all emotional for various reasons. One of the most common reasons that they will give is that huge and over the top displays of emotions just aren’t in alignment with their true personality. You might hear them say something like: “I told my wife that I wanted her to come home. I said I regretted that she left. What more is there to say? Obviously, I love her and I want for her back. Just because I’m not shouting this off of the rooftops and pounding my chest, none of this means that I don’t care about my marriage. I do. But I don’t think that I should have to pretend to be someone that I’m not. This is a marriage. Not a dramatic play. I’m not an actor.”

I know that you feel that you want and need to see more emotion. But sometimes, your husband will see this scenario as manipulation and game playing. Men will often say that they just aren’t willing to engage in this type of back and forth when the direct and honest approach is so much more in alignment with who they really are.

Maybe It’s Time To Just Be Honest And Directly Ask For What You Need: I know that you were hoping that your actions would inspire more emotion and action from him. But sometimes, you have to directly tell him what you want. Men aren’t as intuitive as women. They will often tell you that they can’t read your mind and that they wish you would just announce what you want from them. So, the next time your husband mentions the situation or says that he wishes that you’d never left, you might want to respond with something like: “I wish I hadn’t left either, especially since I didn’t get the desired response anyway. I was hoping that you would show a willingness to fight for me or to chase me. I wanted to see some passionate feelings where I was concerned. I know that this might sound silly to you. But I just wanted to feel loved in the way that you used to love me. Can you please show me some real emotion? Our marriage may hinge on this. I know that you’re a man and you don’t need this type of exchange. But I do. And that should matter to you if our marriage is important.”

Try To Look For Smaller Ways That He’s Expressing His Love And Give Him Reassurance When This Happens: I completely understand needing and wanted more emotion from your spouse. But sometimes, our spouse is showing us this in very small ways rather than explicitly telling us. Sure, it’d be preferable to hear passionate and heartfelt words, but sometimes, we need to acknowledge the little things that indicate his own version of real love. His filling up your gas tank, pouring you a cup of coffee, or building you a new closet may all be examples of things that he does to show his love when he doesn’t feel comfortable expressing himself in other ways or verbally.

When or if the separation ends, begin looking for these things and make a big deal out of them. Tell him that you appreciate how he shows his love and then encourage him to tell you the same with words. Once he begins to hear this as praise rather than criticism, you are much more likely to hear the words that you are waiting for. But until then, perhaps it makes sense to consider that it might not be worth it to use the separation to get what you want when this approach might allow you to save your marriage and get more of what you want.

I will admit that in my own marriage, I am the one who is much more demonstrative.  When my husband and I were separated, I used to do whatever was necessary in order to get a reaction out of him.  Even an angry reaction was better than none at all, at least in my eyes.  It took me a while before I wised up and realized that this was greatly hurting my chances for a reconciliation.  So I changed course, which enabled me to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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