Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who feel as if they’re the only thing standing between their marriage and eventual divorce. They can’t deny that the marriage is on very fragile ground, but they’re also clear that they’re not ready to give up this relationship, this family life, or these memories to start from scratch somewhere else. 

As firm as these wives are in their beliefs, a husband can be equally as passionate about his belief that the marriage is unsalvageable. Often, these husbands feel that every conceivable remedy has already been tried, and continuing to spin the marital wheels would simply be a waste of everyone’s time. 

So what can you do when you know that trying to save your marriage isn’t a waste of time, but you don’t know how to save it? This article will focus on strategies that will hopefully allow you to make substantial progress even when you feel frozen and unsure of how to begin. 

Start Small. Don’t Try To Make The Sweeping Changes That Cause Mistakes:  When you are in the unenviable position of knowing that you may be the only one who wants to actively save your marriage, it’s very common to panic. Unfortunately, people commonly make the mistake of placing all of their time and attention on the very thing that they are trying to avoid. 

They’ll focus all of their energy on getting their spouse to abruptly commit to calling off the separation or divorce. This is understandable. Of course, you want a reprieve. Of course you want reassurance that there may be a chance that your husband may change his mind so that the marriage won’t end. But, sometimes, this process takes time. And when you take a reluctant husband and then try to force your own agenda, you’re taking a chance that this will not end well. You could very well be pushing for way too much way too soon. 

 When you push too hard, you’re asking him to suspend his disbelief and to speed up his time frame at a time when he has substantial doubts.

A better strategy is to systematically (and genuinely) remove his doubts. Once you do, he can be confident about changing his mind and he will likely do so more than willingly. 

Understand That Saving Your Marriage Means Methodically Overcoming Doubts: Admittedly, it’s much easier for me to understand the mindset of wives in this situation. Because I was one of them. (I was separated for a while and feared divorce, until I changed strategies.) But, I do hear from a decent amount of men. Many of them tell me they fear that the intimacy and teamwork between you are gone. As a result, they begin to see you as an individual and no longer as part of a unified couple. 

To have any chance of saving your marriage, you MUST eventually overcome this perception. I know that this seems like a daunting task, but if you can break it up into a series of gains that come naturally as you tailor your behavior to fit your goal, it is not always as difficult as it sounds. As you begin to show your spouse that change is not only possible, but it also doesn’t have to be painful, he may slowly begin to alter his negative perceptions. And that means that he may eventually change his mind. 

Do Not Allow Your Panic To Cause You To Drift Toward Negative And Disingenuous Behavior Or Strategies:  Even if you are typically very even-keeled and calm, it’s normal to find yourself tempted to engage in behavior you’d normally find embarrassing. Because we’re grasping at straws, many of us can’t seem to get ahold of our impulse to play negative games – like guilting, arguing, debating, or posturing. At the time when we should absolutely be on our best behavior and putting forward our best selves, the person who is on full display is actually our worse selves. 

This plan will usually fail pretty quickly. A husband who is already reluctant will usually not give in to these tactics. In fact, he will usually push back, which weakens your stance even further. 

If this happens, calmly regroup. Be careful that you don’t panic even further and overcompensate. Many wives in this situation will attempt to turn up the sugar. They’ll be overly affectionate. They’ll try to engage in sexual play. Again, this is understandable. But know this. Your husband knows you very well. He knows what is real and what is not.

Show Him A Positive And Genuine Version Of Yourself: Your husband knows the real you. And frankly, as hard as it may be for you to believe, somewhere deep down, he probably LOVES the real you – the version of you who is calm, loving, playful, and genuine. The problem is that he perceives that the version that he’s getting right now is only reactive. He may believe that she’s only acting as a means to an end.

It’s so important to break this cycle by showing him the truest, but the best, version of you. He must go from thinking that he needs to get away from you to be genuinely happy to accepting that happiness is also possible if he stays. 

Changing these perceptions over time saves marriages. Once his thought process changes, he’s willing to come to the table and work with you. Sometimes, that is all you need.  

Set The Stage By Telegraphing How Things Will Change And Pace Yourself: Sometimes, the easiest way to call a truce and to set it up so that you can make progress is to clear the air by telling your husband that you’re not going to participate in negativity starting today. Clarify that although you don’t want to end your marriage, you don’t want to fight with him and deteriorate your relationship. So you’re not going to engage in any drama anymore. 

When you’re not pushing any more, he doesn’t have to resist you. This makes your job easier because he no longer sees you as a threat. 

Once you have a clearer path, don’t take on too much too soon. Don’t try to tackle all your problems at once. Make progress and then enjoy that progress before you try to analyze things too much. 

Focus on taking the baby steps that allow you to calm things down so that eventually you can make huge strides toward climbing your way back up. 

It was my husband, not me, who felt that our marriage was really over. It didn’t matter that I knew it wasn’t over for me.  But I panicked and drew on negative emotions.  It took me way too long, but I finally realized that I had to change course.  And thankfully, the new strategy eventually worked.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/