Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from spouses who feel that perhaps their spouse has an alterior motive for initiating a trial separation. Often, the spouse who doesn’t want to separate worries that their spouse is only wanting to separate because they want to date someone else. The worry is that they want to have the luxury of pursuing the other person without the watchful eye of their spouse. And this can make them not want to cooperate with or endorse the separation.

An example of a comment that I might get describing this situation is something like: “my husband and I have been married for over twenty years. He has demanded that we separate because he doesn’t know what he wants. To give you some background, a couple of years ago, we had some problems with our two teenaged children. This caused a lot of stress in our lives and in our marriage. About six months after that, he told me that he had been having an affair with a much younger woman and that he had developed feelings for her. However, he insisted that he told her that he had no inention of leaving his family to be with her. After she found out that he had told me about them, she actually broke it off with him. After this happened, my husband became very depressed. He then said that he didn’t know what he wanted out of his life anymore. And because of that, he wanted a separation. I feel strongly that he is going to try to get back together with her while we are separated. I don’t trust him at all. But what can I do? I don’t feel like I have any choice in this. He’s going to separate from me and move out and I feel like all I can do is wait to see if she is going to take him back. I feel so helpless. I know that we are meant to be together, especially after all this time together being a family. What can I do?”

This is a very difficult situation. I have seen this situation turn out favorably. And I have also seen it tear a family apart. I believe that there is a way to handle it that gives you the best chance of success, although I can’t make any promises because it is impossible to know what the husband is thinking or what his true motivations are.

Try To Set It Up So That You See One Another Regularly And Check In Often: It’s true that you can feel like you have no control in this. But it can help if your husband knows that you are going to check in with one another regularly. That way, he remembers that he is commited to you. He’s not free to just do whatever he wants to do because he is still married.
I know that not everyone is going to embrace this, but I also feel that if you can get him to agree to some sort of counseling or marriage work while you are separated, then this is optimal. Because this ensures that things stay on track between you and that you’re always going back to your marriage.

Work On Yourself. Make It Very Clear That You Aren’t Just Waiting And Putting Yourself On Hold: Many wives have a tendancy to just hold their breath and wait on their husbands to come to a decision. It is as if he is the only one who has any say in how this all turns out. Being in this situation greatly leads to a feeling of helplessness. You feel as if he is holding all of the cards and that you are fighting a villian that you really can’t even see.

But if you are working on yourself, then you regain a sense of control. You know that whatever he does or whatever he decides, then you are still moving forward. And quite frankly, this will often make you more attractive to your husband. If he thinks that you are just waiting around and that you will welcome him back with open arms no matter how long it takes, then what incentive does he have to do the right thing quickly?

Put The Test Issue On The Table: As far as not trusting him, I think that the best that you can do here is to keep tabs while it’s not obvious that this is what you are doing. If you’ve set it up where you’re checking in regularly, then you can take inventory then. And you can set the tone by talking about this very directly.

You might consider something like: “I know that you are saying that you need time, but I hope that it is not something else. I hope that you don’t plan to pursue the other relationship while we are separated. Because we are still married regardless and that would be continued infidelity. I’m going to work hard on myself while we’re separated and I will be doing that on my own. I hope that you can say the same.”

I know that this is difficult, but try not to allow this to take over your thoughts and your actions. The more calm you are and the more you take care of yourself, the easier it is going to be on your end. And when you treat yourself well and show a high degree of respect, you’re encouraging your husband to do the same.

There wasn’t any one else when my husband and I were separated.  But I always worried that he would meet someone else.  Eventually, it became evident that my best bet was working on me and then hoping he would come around, which he did.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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