I Don’t Think That Our Trial Separation Is Working
By: Leslie Cane: Many wives who are reluctant to agree to a trial separation are swayed by a husband’s claim that the separation is going to be for the best. Often, a husband will tell his wife that time apart is going to actually benefit the marriage because it will allow for a pause in what is going wrong so that there is an opportunity to make things right once again. This all sounds good in theory and this possibility is what almost every sincere separated couple hopes for. And yet, things don’t always go in the way that you planned.
Many wives are disappointed when they realize that their trial separation is just not working as promised. In fact, it doesn’t seem to be working at all. A wife might say, “honestly, I think that our trial separation has been a disaster. My husband refused to clarify many things about it, except for to insist that as he saw it, separating was the only chance we had at saving our marriage because he felt that we needed to be apart for a while – whether that meant divorce or separation. Of course, I chose a separation when it seemed that my only other choice was divorce. But my husband tried to make it sound like a positive. He said that perhaps we would change our perspectives and would desperately miss one another. Well, these things have happened to me, but they don’t appear to be happening to him. He certainly doesn’t make himself available to me. Sometimes, when I call him, he literally sighs, as if it’s burdensome to hear from me. I miss him so much and I’m very lonely. My life is tons worse than it was, but my husband doesn’t seem to feel the same way. I was hoping that we’d be in counseling right now and seeing real improvement, but my husband is putting that off. It’s as if I’m just supposed to wait while my life treads water. I don’t like what is happening at all, but I have no control over it. I didn’t want this separation but I had hoped that it would make my husband want me and it hasn’t. I don’t think that it’s working at all.”
Goodness, I could have said these words myself during my own separation. I too had high hopes that it would actually make us never want to part again. Instead, my husband was very lukewarm toward me, so I panicked and pushed harder for his attention. That meant that he pulled back even harder and he eventually began to avoid me. If I thought that things had deteriorated during our marriage, they really got bad during our separation. I became pretty depressed about this, and like the wife above said, I felt like so much of my life was outside of my control.
Changing Perspective: During my separation, I did some therapy and I read a lot of self-help. Because of this, I eventually realized that I needed to take back some control over my life. While it was true that I had no control over what my husband felt and did, I had FULL control over myself. Better still, being assertive about my own well-being actually did nudge my husband to feel differently and to behave better around me. Because of this self-work, I was no longer the needy, depressed, and demanding wife. I was capable, busy, and improving. This changed my husband’s stance toward me, which made a big difference. More than that, it made me feel much better about our situation. I learned that I could and would survive no matter what happened. This gave me much more power when communicating and negotiating.
Evaluating What Is Working And What Isn’t: One day, I sat down and I listed my disappointments about my situation. I realized that one of the things I really wanted was for my husband to miss me. I wanted the physical distance to help to close the emotional distance. But when I was honest with myself, I realized that I hadn’t given my husband many opportunities for this. I was pretty needy during this time, so I was always attempting to reach out and check in, even when my husband had asked for some time. So, it was me that wasn’t allowing this process to work.
I decided to change that and I did back away for some time. I was very afraid that doing so would be the final straw, but you know what? Eventually, my husband started contacting me. This would not have happened without my giving him space.
Getting The Help That’s Needed Regardless Of Cooperation: Like the above wife, I was very disappointed that my husband did not just jump into counseling. I eventually asked myself what was stopping me from getting help for myself. Sure, ideally, you will go together. But if that can’t happen right now, nothing says that you can’t seek out help yourself. Individual counseling was still helpful, even if my husband wasn’t with me. It allowed me to change my perspective on some things, which helped me to be more patient and to exclude more confidence. I read an awful lot of self-help when I was alone, which gave me a sense of empowerment.
Know That Things Change: I know many people who considered the early part of their separations as a disaster but who are still married today. Things can be volatile and fresh in the beginning. Sometimes, it helps to let the dust settle a bit. People’s perceptions change. Feelings evolve. After being alone for a while, that “space” can turn to loneliness. Sometimes, these changes are just a short distance away. You just have to be patient and refrain from pushing too hard. There were times when I was sure that I wouldn’t still be married in two years, but I was. My husband’s perceptions and feelings changed. This didn’t just magically happen. I nudged things along by changing my attitude and strategy. I made sure that I did give my husband space but that, when we did interact, he saw a positive, capable woman instead of a clinging, insecure, and depressed woman. Of course, he was much more open to the positive woman. And this made all of the difference. (You can read about that total transformation here: http://isavedmymarriage.com ) It is a big reason that we are married today. Nothing is set in stone. You can still change course. You can maintain what is working and change/improve what isn’t.
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