Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from people who are incredibly disappointed in their spouse’s lack of effort and integrity when it comes to maintaining or saving their marriage.  Often, both spouses have made promises and commitments about what they are willing to do in order to make things work, but only one of them actually makes good on these promises.  This can leave the spouse who is trying very hard wondering if it’s even possible to make any improvements on their own.  And, even if it is, there can be a lot of resentment at having to walk this path all alone.

Common comments are things like: “my husband and I have considered separating or divorcing for a total of about four times.  It seems like there is no intimacy, attraction, or love left between us.  I don’t think that my husband appreciates me enough.  He doesn’t even notice all of the things that I do or how many things I juggle on a continual basis.  He never tells me that he loves me.  He no longer does nice things for me. Several times in the past, I’ve told my husband that I no longer want to live this way.  And every time, he begs me not to leave and says that he is going to be more attentive.  He will promise me that he will plan weekly date nights.  He promises that he will be more affectionate.  Once, when I actually left our home for a couple of days, he promised that he would find a counselor and schedule an appointment.  So, I came home full of hope.  Well, weeks went by with no counselor appointment.  Eventually, it just became obvious that my husband has no real intention of doing any of the things that he has promised me. Honestly, I was pretty miserable when I left home for those couple of days.  I truly don’t want a divorce.  But at the same time, I don’t want to settle for a husband who promises me very basic things but then never follows up.  He has never cheated on me. He has never told me a huge lie. But he is also incredibly good looking. I see women staring at him all of the time. Some openly flirt with him. Most of the time, he tries to deflect this. He doesn’t do anything wrong, really. But more and more, I find that I panic at the thought he might like the attention. Or that, if the conditions are right, he might cheat on me. Or actually want a divorce. Or not love me as much as I love him. How can I stop this mistrust before destroys us?”  How can I get him to make good on his promises in terms of saving our marriage?”  I’ll try to address these concerns below.

Look At Pre-Existing Issues Of Trust That Occurred Before Your Marriage: I’m not a mental health specialist, but I too, had a lot of trust issues in my marriage. And it damaged my marriage horribly. In fact, it was probably one of the contributing factors to my separation. I did spend some time exploring this issue. And I determined that much of my trust issues came from my parents’ divorce and its aftermath. Once my parents abruptly separated, my father left our home and never returned. It was a huge loss for me because I was extremely close to my dad. It wasn’t a conscious thought, but I think somewhere along the way I internalized the idea that people who you love the most might leave or deceive you.

A couple of years after my parents’ divorce, I met my first love. We were together for many years. I had never loved anyone as much as I loved my dad – until I met him. I poured my entire heart into the relationship. But when I was in a college that was about four hours away, he cheated on me.  Somewhere in my mind, I started to think that if you give your whole heart to someone, they’ll eventually betray you or leave.

My husband had to pay the price for my father and my first love. He did nothing wrong, but I didn’t trust him because these two men hurt me. I also think there’s a universal fear of feeling vulnerable. Vulnerability doesn’t feel safe. Almost no one goes through life without having their heart broken. And that is so painful, that you never want to repeat it. And so you are always on your guard, which erodes the trust.

Accept That Change May Be Gradual, But Steady:  I felt that the wife was absolutely right to take this concern so seriously.  The fact was that if nothing changed, she was going to continue to be unsatisfied and resentful.  And she deserved more than this. With that said, sometimes in order to have lasting success, you have to accept that this is going to be a gradual process.  She’d expressed several issues.  She’d asked for real, intense, and meaningful change from a man who has already shown himself to be resistant to the same.  So in order to make this manageable, it made sense to break this down into several different steps.  I felt strongly that she would have a greater chance of meaningful success if she accepted gradual change that didn’t require of the needed concessions all at one time.

Schedule A Time So That You Are Both Accountable:  I know from experience that the biggest mistake that couples make in this situation is that they leave things open-ended.  They may very specifically tell their spouse what they want, but then they just leave the rest up to their spouse and are disappointed when things don’t happen to their liking.   Accept that you may have to hold his hand throughout this process.

I find that it is very helpful to schedule a regular “check-in” once per week.  This doesn’t need to be an awkward or anger filled meeting. You can make it fun by going out to dinner to scheduling a fun event to coincide with your conversations about your marriage.  The idea is that the two of you sit down and define your weekly goals in terms of your marriage.   You’ll tell him what you’d like to see from him throughout the week.  Be specific, but don’t pile it on so thickly that he will feel as if nothing that he does is going to please you.

Then, follow up just as you have promised.  Meet the next week and discuss what both of you did right and what could have gone better.  Make absolutely certain that you acknowledge what your spouse did right.  Let him know how much you appreciate his efforts.  This is so vitally important.  Because as soon as he figures out that he’s going to get a legitimate pay off from doing what you’ve asked, then he’s going to want to repeat the process.   Brag on his accomplishments.  Be liberal with your affection and your praise and watch how quickly he will offer you more of the same.

On the other hand, if there are some places where he’s falling short, point that out too.  However, always try to give him some positive reinforcement before you unleash the negative.  For example, you might say: “I appreciate how you rubbed my back a couple of times this week.  I know that you made an effort with that and I definitely noticed.  It’s so nice to get that after a long day.   And I plan to reciprocate regularly.  I did notice though that you didn’t make the effort for showing me some appreciation when I went out of my way to do some things that seemed to go unnoticed.  So this week, I’d like to just place our focus on that.  I’d like for both of us to spend each evening saying what we appreciate about the other.  Are you game?  I think it will really help us.”

After you say this, don’t dwell on it.  Try to make the evening pleasant so that he won’t come to dread these meetings.  This way, he knows that he is going to be accountable to what you have asked him to do, but at the same time, he doesn’t have to think that this is a painful process that he needs to avoid.  Repeat the process every week.  Try to focus on something very specific each week.  For one week, you might want to make the assignment procuring counseling or whatever else needs attention.

Over time, you should see him gradually begin to make good on his promises.  Better than that, he will actually be willing to do so because he knows that you are going to focus on what he’s doing right rather than criticize him about what’s going wrong.

My husband and I didn’t regularly meet with one another during our separation and this made making any progress extremely difficult.  That’s why I highly recommend that you meet regularly to check in.  I was eventually able to save my marriage, but the process would have been much easier if I had tried some of the things that I am suggesting to you now. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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