I Asked My Separated Husband To Come Home And He Said No. What Now?
By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who finally got up their courage to broach the topic of their separated husband finally coming home. Often, they have to work up their courage for quite a while. It’s difficult enough to be separated and to miss your husband horribly. It’s even harder to broach the topic of him coming home – even if this is what you want more than anything. Because doing so means that you might risk rejection only to have him tell you no.
As an example, I might hear a comment like: “it was my husband who wanted the separation and it was my husband who moved out. At first, he really was avoiding me. He wasn’t returning my calls and he always had an excuse not to spend time together when I dropped by. Very slowly, things started to get better for us. Over time, we started to talk and see one another more and more. Sometimes, we would even go out on dates and connect. My husband seemed much happier and our time together kind of reminded me of the early days of our marriage. One weekend recently, we spent the night together and things were so sweet between us. The next morning, I asked my husband to move back home and he looked me right in the eye and he told me no. He said that he wasn’t even thinking of those terms. I’m devastated by this. I feel like my marriage doesn’t stand a chance now and I am just wasting my hope and my time. I am so upset about this. What now?”
This Doesn’t Mean That You Have To Give Up: I know that this is very discouraging and hurtful. I know that you feel as if you have been rejected twice. It’s almost like a slap because you worked so hard to gain some ground and now it can feel as if you have lost that ground. But don’t make this contribute to your giving up on what you have already gained. Sure, you may have to wait a little longer. But isn’t this preferable to just letting your marriage go?
I can tell you that during my own separation, I felt as if I were rejected over and over again by my husband. But I hung in there because I just couldn’t fathom the thought of walking away for good. I figured as long as I hadn’t completely given up, there might always still be a chance. And it turned out, there was because my husband and I eventually reconciled, although it didn’t happen as quickly as I had hoped.
Know That Things Can And Do Change: I’d like to make another point which I believe is vitally important. Just because he isn’t ready to come out right now, this doesn’t mean that he will never be ready to come home. He may have said no because he just doesn’t feel ready quite yet. He may still be waiting for some of your issues to be resolved. Or, he may be enjoying the new relationship between you and he wants to build on this a little more before he comes home. He may not want to rush things because he wants to make sure that when he comes home, then he is home for good.
Set The Tone To Move Forward In The Future: I’d suggest that the best strategy is to have a direct conversation about this and then pick up at the good place where you left off. You might say something like: “I admit that I was a little hurt that you didn’t want to come home, but I do understand. Things are good between us right now and I’m enjoying what is happening. So there is really no pressure and no hurry. Why don’t we just continue on in the way that we have been and go from there?”
It’s my experience and belief that the last thing that you want to do is to demand to know why he doesn’t want to come home or to get angry at him or accuse him of being selfish or irrational. Doing this will risk the progress that you have already made. You also don’t want to just retreat and declare your marriage over or to think that you have only wasted your time. There is no question that have made real progress. You don’t have to give up this progress just because you have hit a delay or a roadblock.
Instead, you want to stay the course so that eventually you can simply walk around that roadblock with your spouse’s blessing and help. So to answer the original concern posed, I know that it hurts right now. But him not wanting to come home doesn’t mean that you will never want to reconcile. Be patient and know that you have made real progress on which you can build a new foundation.
I do know how you feel. But you never know when an improvement or reconciliation is right around the corner. If I had given up every time my husband didn’t want to come home, I’d probably be divorced now instead of being reconciled. If it helps, you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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