Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I very often get emails from wives who confide that their husband doesn’t want them anymore. This can be a loaded phrase. Sometimes, what the wife means is that the husband no longer seems to be attracted to them physically. Other times, the wife means that the husband no longer wants to be married to them. And, sometimes the wives are describing other situations somewhere in between these two.

No matter the specifics to which the wife is referring, this is often not the place where you want your marriage to be. No one wants to feel undesired and unwanted or that they are the only one who is still invested in the relationship. Unfortunately, many wives give up too soon when they hear these words or pick up on this vibe. They will take these words as complete truth even when there’s some wiggle room that neither of the spouses is picking up on.

This might be easy to say when I’m not the one in the marriage (although I did deal with this situation in my own marriage,) but, as I see it, there are really two choices here. You can take his words or implications at face value and give up on your marriage, or you can use this as a heads up that you have some work to do, and then you can roll up your sleeves. There’s really no right or wrong answer here. What you decide will usually depend upon your level of commitment to the marriage and your ability to put the words aside and know that the outcome might be such that the words eventually don’t matter. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Why A Husband Might Not Be Accurate When He Claims That He No Longer Wants You: I can’t say that all husbands who utter this phrase are wrong. Some are sincere in this. But some think that they mean it when they really don’t, at least deep down. There are many reasons that they might project negative feelings onto you or your marriage. They may be struggling with stressors in other areas of their life. And, they may be a bit disappointed that the marriage is no longer offering the payoff and the solace that they used to be able to count on. Often, resentment is the result. And, because of the resentment, the husband will retreat and tell himself that he doesn’t necessarily want you or the marriage anyway.

As you can see, this declaration is often a swift and knee jerk reaction that might not be fully accurate. It’s so important that you don’t take it too personally and allow it to contribute to how you feel about yourself. Yes, it’s awful that these words or implications ever came out of him because they are so hurtful. But, it, unfortunately, can’t be taken back and now you’re left with the choice of trying to move on with your marriage in a positive way or cutting your losses and moving forward as an individual.

Many wives will retreat themselves in response. They will withdraw within themselves and usually have the unconscious thought of something like “well two can play at that game.” But, what you have in this situation is a cold and distant marriage in which no one is getting what they want and the two individuals are just becoming more and more distant from each other all of the time. In this way, the negativity only continues.

When He No Longer Wants The Marriage (Or You Fear He’s Headed That Way) But You Want To Save It: Many women will react very negatively to this. They will typically either try to overcompensate and beg the husband to stay (or act very dramatically to get him to stay,) or they will become angry and tell him good riddance and then later regret it.

It’s so important that you try to handle this rationally and calmly so that you don’t do something that you might later come to regret when you realize it moved you further away from what you really want. Often, a happy medium that can buy you some time is to suggest some distance and space. You can offer to give your husband some space since he’s obviously dealing with some issues. Many wives resist this because they are afraid that the space will allow for him to get further away.

They often don’t understand that he’s moving away anyway. Usually, if you set it up so that you’re projecting positive perceptions rather than negative ones, you will get a much better response. If you don’t want to offer space, you can offer some help and someone to listen. Try to set it up so that your husband believes that you want to help him to be happier in his life. This will make you allies rather than adversaries and this can help your situation tremendously.

Whether you’re offering space or help, always be conscious of the image that you are projecting. You want him to remember the woman that he fell in love with. Project the best version of yourself. Try to be upbeat, confident, and positive. You may feel differently inside, but when you are with him, you should try your best not to show it.

Now, there are some situations where the husband is just being nasty, hurtful, and mean. And, in some instances, you will try the distance or help tact and he will continue to be hurtful. When this is the case, sometimes you will have to call him on this and tell him that you’re sorry that he doesn’t want you but this is only one person’s opinion and someone else might well feel differently. This is the last thing you should try though, and this is only if the suggestions above completely did not work.

Usually, if you give you the reaction that he wasn’t expecting, it will unsettle him and he’ll slow down a bit and reevaluate. No matter where you are in the process, it’s so important to continue to be calm, evaluate what’s in your own best interest, and stress that you’re only after happiness for both of you.

I understand how you feel because a very short time ago, I was exactly where you are. But, I learned that my husband had fallen out of love with the relationship instead of falling out of love with me. I was able to use this knowledge to change course, return my husband’s love, and save the marriage (when I was the only one interested in doing so at the time.) You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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