Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from folks who have agreed to separate with their spouse but who are unsure if they will know when and if it is time to reconcile. Often, they feel somewhat certain that a separation is the best course of action, but what they aren’t so sure about is whether or not they are approaching a place where they are going to turn away from a reconciliation and walk toward a divorce.

Common concerns are things like: “my husband and I have been separated for about three weeks. I was the one who initiated the separation. There have been times in the past where I’ve felt like I’m falling out of love with my husband. He is a good man and I love him as a person, but I am unsure if I am passionately in love with him in the way that I should be. No one is really angry at anyone else. It’s just that I’ve reached the point where I feel like I need some time apart to see if I miss him and if I think it’s worth it to try to reconcile. My question is how will I know when that time has come? How will I know that I want to reconnect with him?”

This is a very common concern. People sometimes hope that common sense would tell them or give them some indication of their true feelings or the best course of action. But when is it your marriage that you are talking about, do you really want to leave this to chance? I believe that they are some emotions or realizations that many folks experience when a reconciliation is starting to look like a distinct possibility and a better idea. I will discuss those things below.

You Genuinely Enjoy Spending Time With Your Spouse Again. And You’re Not Acting Out Of Guilt: It’s very common for people to find that they miss their spouse much more than they anticipated. Many are surprised to find that they have actually started to very much look forward to the times that they are going to be able to see or communicate with their spouse. When you live with someone on a constant basis, it is very easy to begin to take them for granted.

Sometimes the separation forces a pause in this process. So you sort of see your spouse with fresh eyes. And you find that your time together is fun, exciting, and somewhat fresh. When this happens, ask yourself if you are operating out of pity or guilt. If the answer is no, then consider why you are enjoying this time. Because if you have this kind of easy going chemistry and bond with your spouse so that you can connect like this while separated, then to me, that says something. Because this is not always the case. Some people find that things are very awkward and strained during the separation. If you and your spouse are connecting and having a pleasant time together, in my view, that’s very telling.

You Begin To Have Doubts That This Separation Is The Right Thing: I’ve had countless people in this situation tell me that they started to think about the future and they felt sorrow when they got mental glimpses of their life with out their spouse. I didn’t really want my separation. But during it, I often found myself day dreaming about the future. And I would always look at that same future with dread. I would start to think about the worst case scenario or a time when my husband would be with someone else. I would think about no longer having my husband after a hard day. I would think about getting sick or having a life crisis without this life partner to share that with. And it was pretty easy to take inventory and see that my doubts took up more of my time than my hopes took up. In short, if you are having doubts, listen to them. At least evaluate this very honestly to see if you can determine their case.

You Can See Where You Were Wrong Before: I often find that when people have more time to ponder their issues in silence, they begin to see things quite differently. When you are no longer engaging in the problems that separated you on a daily basis, suddenly you can look at them with a new perspective. There are times when you can start to see that the problems that you thought were such deal breakers aren’t as big of a deal as you first thought. You might also see some places where you were wrong and unyielding. You might realize that perhaps you could have given a little more effort or agreed to more compromise. If you find yourself having these thoughts, listen to them. Even if they don’t mean a reconciliation, they might at least mean a more healthy break if that is the route you choose to go. But in my opinion, these doubts often mean that somewhere deep inside you, you know that you haven’t yet given this everything that you have.

It’s my opinion and experience that you owe it yourself to make absolutely sure that you aren’t having any doubts or longings that may indicate that it’s time to at least consider a reconciliation. With that said, you don’t want to push or move too quickly. You don’t want to have a failed reconciliation on your hands. Instead, I’d advise to allow your feelings to be your guide. If something is telling you that you might want to reconcile, begin laying the ground work. Don’t immediately move back home before you first make sure that you have addressed the issues that pulled you apart in the first place. If this process goes well and you find that you are able to begin to address the issues with a new sense of cooperation and without too much conflict, then these are all good indications that it might be time to consider a reconciliation.

I always knew that I wanted to reconcile with my husband, but he never had the certainty that I had.   He was in no hurry to come to a decision about a reconciliation.  Looking back now, I’m glad that we didn’t rush it because it gave us time to genuinely rebuild.   If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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