Leslie Cane Articles

Since I often write about saving a marriage and avoiding divorce, I am often asked how to bring the spark back or return the gleam in a husband’s eye. I used to ask people how they know their husband is no longer in love with them, and I would get answers ranging from, “it’s just something I feel,” to wives telling me that their husband has muttered phrases like, “well, I love you, but I’m not in love with you,” or “I just don’t feel it anymore,” etc.

Over time, I’ve come to realize that it truly doesn’t matter how much love has been lost or even how things got this way. The truth is, if you feel that your husband has fallen out of love with you for whatever reason, then consider your feelings valid and take action. There’s a reason that you feel the way you do and everyone’s marriage can be improved by working on it. It’s better to be proactive and improve your marriage (whether your husband has fallen out of love or not), then to do nothing and watch from the sidelines as the distance grows.

Getting Your Husband’s Love To Return In The Simplest, Easiest Terms: This may seem like I am oversimplifying it, but please hear me out. If you want your husband to fall deeply in love with you (again), then what you need to do is based on a simple formula that sounds easy, but can really much harder than it sounds. In a nutshell, you need to replace the negative feelings that are causing distance and replace them with positive ones that bring you closer together. Sounds easy, right? Well, here’s why it sometimes is not (but why you should do it anyway.)

First, if there’s a great distance or serious problems or issues that you are trying to sort through, it can be difficult to put those things on the back burner until you can bridge the gap. In short, there’s usually a large elephant in the room that makes falling back in love difficult for one or both parties. You must overcome this.

Second, your life is probably much more full and complicated than when you and your husband first fell in love. You probably have more responsibilities/obligations and less time in which to do them. It can be a challenge to pour the same amount of attention and effort as when you were first dating. (You must do this, though. More on that later.)

Third, you can’t be obvious about what you are doing. Husbands hate feeling that they’ve been manipulated or that their wives are playing games. If they suspect this, they will often dig their heels in even more. It’s difficult to go from arguing to loving in the blink of an eye and pull it off. (Again though, you must.)

Why You Must Return To A Place Of Love, Empathy, And Commitment: So, I’ve told you why this process may be challenging. Now, I’m going to tell you that you must ignore any nagging “buts” or excuses in your head and just do it. Yes, it may take some doing. Yes, you may have to bite your tongue or act in a way that requires that you focus on the good rather than the bad. But, you must do it because it is the only way you are going to return the positive feelings.

Think back to when you were first dating. Can you remember your first fight? Many people can not. However, if you can remember it at all, I’d be willing to bet that you both got over it and worked it out much more quickly than you do today. That’s because people who are very much in love don’t like to ruin it by fighting and want to make up quickly. This is what being in love does for you. It diminishes the problems and challenges of marriage and helps everything fall neatly into place so much easier.

How To Work Deliberately And Methodically: Hopefully, I’ve been successful in convincing you that you need to overcome anything that is in your way of restoring your marriage to a place where you are both “in love.” Now, at the risk of sounding like Glenda in The Wizard Of Oz, I’m going to tell you that you already have what it takes to win back your husband. It has been with you all along. (Stay with me.)

Obviously, you already knew the formula that made your husband fall so deeply in love with you that he married you. I want you to think long and hard about what you did, how you did it, and which shared experiences contributed the most to it. I want you to list the qualities that were most important to your husband when he “fell in love.” Please don’t limit this list to looks, sex, or chemistry. I know those things are important, but I’m looking more for things like a sense of humor, attentiveness, open-hearted enthusiasm, intelligence, etc.

Once you have this list, I want you to evaluate how often you are showing your husband these traits and how much you’re sharing experiences that allow these traits to come out. I’m betting (because I know from my personal experience and research) that the answer is not enough.

So, I’m hoping that what you should do next should be obvious. Without harping or dwelling on it, communicate to your husband that you would like to make your marriage stronger (no need to list all of the things that are wrong.) Don’t tell him how you’re going to do it or make this a long discussion. SHOW him how you are going to do it by your actions. This is much more effective.

But, make sure your actions come off as genuine and are things/actions with which you are comfortable because in a perfect world you are going to keep right on doing them long term, even once you get the results you want. They are what is going to keep your marriage strong after your husband falls back in love with you.

How did I learn this? Through making a lot of mistakes, research, and trying new things when trying to make my own husband fall back in love with me. These mistakes meant that I almost ended up divorced.  But eventually, I was able to not only save the marriage, but make it stronger. You can read that story by clicking here or visiting my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com