Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are reeling from the message that they hoped that they would never have to hear. Their husbands are delivering the message that they are no longer in love with them. And sometimes, his delivery is as hurtful as the message that he is sending.

A wife might have this sad story: “last week after dinner, my husband said that he needed to talk to me about something serious. I thought that it must have something to do with his job because he’s been stressed about that lately. But it turned out that he had sat me down to tell me that he wasn’t in love with me anymore. I was stunned and devastated. I asked if he was telling me this because he wanted a divorce. He said that he didn’t know. He said that he just felt like he had to tell me. I didn’t know how to respond so I didn’t say too much. For the last several days, I’ve noticed that my husband seems very happy and relieved, as if a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. This was every bit as heartbreaking as his words. I mentioned to this to him and he said that I had it all wrong. He said that he was devastated and sad, but that he was trying to stay upbeat to make the situation better. I said that it seemed to me that he seemed relieved because he was getting ready to move on. He denied this and again said that he’s unhappy and feels terrible. I’m wondering how most men feel when they tell their wives that they are no longer in love. Because my husband seems almost happy about it.”

A man’s reaction to this conversation can vary based on the man himself, his wife’s reaction, his personal marital situation, and why he thinks that he has fallen out of love. But many men feel this more deeply than their wives believe. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Men Can Feel A Sense Of Relief When They Finally Tell The Truth: Often, when a man finally gets around to admitting that he believes that he’s no longer in love with his wife, he’s struggled with these feelings for quite some time. It’s rare for him to wake up one morning, decide he doesn’t love his wife, tell her very quickly, and then move on. It’s more likely that he’s going to try to deny his feelings, think about or struggle with this for a while, and then eventually decide that he should just be truthful. And when the truth finally comes out, he can feel relief because he’s been struggling with this for so long. Wives will often believe this relief means that he’s happy because he’s planning to eventually end the relationship. This isn’t always the case.

Men Will Often Try To Act More Sure Or Confident Than They Actually Are: As I mentioned before, a man often struggles with this for a long time before he tells his wife. He has often thought about her reaction for a while and he is fully aware that she’s not going to take it well and will have all sorts of questions. But he doesn’t want to make her as confused as he has been, so sometimes he will try to display a confidence and sureness that he doesn’t even feel because he doesn’t want to get her hopes up that he is going to change his mind, especially when he himself isn’t sure what is going to happen.

Wives often mistake this as coldness or think that he doesn’t care. But often, he is trying to be detached because he doesn’t want to display his doubt and he doesn’t want to get the full extent of your reaction. He is hoping that you’ll follow his lead and keep things subdued.

Men Can Feel Sorrow, Doubt, And Uncertainty After Delivering This Message: Women often feel that a man who is telling them that he no longer loves them is only thinking of himself and his own feelings. This isn’t always the case either. Many men are quite torn and filled with sorrow. Many will tell you that they still love their wife very much, but they have doubts about the fact that they “in love” with her. But because of that continuing love for her, they are filled with sorrow for any part that they have in hurting her. They will sometimes even admit that they feel guilt or a sense of loss for the changes to the relationship. Also, some of them are unsure if they are correct about their feelings or if sharing this with their wife was the right thing to do.

Men Can And Do Change Their Minds Sometimes: I’d like to make one final point. I know that this hurts. And as much as I would like to, I have to tell you that I can’t tell you how this is going to turn out. But I can’t tell you that it’s certainly not unheard of for men to project frustration from other areas of their life (like their job or their other close relationships) onto their wife or their marriage. Sometimes, they will later realize that they were still in love with their wife, but this wasn’t clear to them because they were under too much stress or because both people had allowed the relationship to go stale.

So while this wife felt sure that her husband was happy to share this news because it meant that he was going to move on with his life or eventually divorce her, this may or may not have been true. Many men who deliver this news feel every bit as sad, unsure or scared as you do. But sometimes, they will posture because of their own agenda, their own fears, or they are trying to have some impact on your own reaction.

I admit that my response wasn’t a positive one after my husband started hinting that he was no longer in love with me.  And my reaction hurt my marriage even more. It took a lot of planning and trial and error to save my marriage.  But eventually, I found a way.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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