Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who are really trying their best to ensure that their separation is as cordial as possible. Often, they’ve asked for some space, but they haven’t yet made a decision as to whether or not to end their marriage. That’s why it can be so painful and so problematic when one of the spouses is combative or tries to push the other’s buttons.

Common concerns about this are things like: “I never wanted to fight with my husband during our trial separation. I know that he doesn’t want the separation. He’s made that crystal clear to me. He did everything in his power to talk me out of taking some time for myself. I stood my ground though and I’m proud of myself for doing so. I still love my husband. I’m just not sure where I want to take our marriage. I have only asked for a little time away. I don’t want for this to feel like a war. My ideal situation would be for both of us to grow from this and then come back together stronger than ever. But my husband seems determined that he isn’t going to let that happen. Every time we talk, he sarcastically asks me how I am enjoying my freedom now that I have abandoned him. He says he’s sure I’m just living it up now that I’ve ditched my responsibilities. The truth is that I am not living it up. I have my struggles just like every one else. Some days I am lonely. Some days I miss my husband and I doubt the whole thing, but I am never hostile to him in the way that he is with me. I am losing my patience with this and I am worried that I am going to lose my cool. I feel like if that happens, then he will just ratchet up his behavior and things will deteriorate from there. I don’t want to jeopardize things between us by fighting. How do I keep my cool when he knows which buttons to push?”

I am so glad that this wife clearly sees that she should not engage. This is the right strategy to take, but so few people take it. Most people understandably allow their emotions to take over and once that happens, things just collapse from there. It’s very smart to understand that disengaging and diffusing the situation is the best thing that you can do. But it can be a challenge to do this when he knows exactly what buttons to push. I will offer some tips on how to best accomplish this below.

Don’t Let Him See That He’s Getting To You. Don’t Reward His Behavior: I’m sure that you’re aware that he’s trying to get a reaction out of you in any way that he can. And frankly, I doubt very much if he cares if he gets a negative or positive response, as long as he can get you to respond at all. So he will likely stoop to any level just to get you to engage and he needs to learn that this is not acceptable. Don’t even give him a little bit of a response. Don’t show him that you are angry or frustrated. Keep your voice very even and monotone.  All your voice show him that his actions and behaviors are causing you to shut down. He must understand that continuing on with his behaviors is only going to give him less of what he wants. You must give him less of a reaction when he acts this way. Not more of a reaction.

Show Him That He Can’t Have Access To You Unless His Behavior Is Appropriate: You have to be careful here because if you shut him down too forcefully, this will make him angry and he will just come at you once again. So you have to remain calm but let him know that you aren’t going to respond in any way when loses control.

So the next time he starts with this behavior, you might want to say something like: “honey, I need to stop you right there. This conversation isn’t constructive right now. It’s not going to do us any good to talk to one another like this. Why don’t you call me back when you calm down a little? I really want to talk to you, but not like this. I will talk to you soon.”

Try not to sound angry. Try to sound direct and patient. He may call you back and if he does, you have to stay with the program. You have to once again say something like: “again, I don’t want for either of us to say something that we will regret or that will push us further apart. I think that we should wait until we are both calm and can have a conversation that helps our situation rather than hurts it. Let me know when you’re ready to talk to me calmly and without the angry comments. Talk to you a little later.”

You may have to repeat the process or even make him leave a message so that you can gauge his attitude before you even pick up the phone. In this way, you are training him not to reach out to you when he is filled with anger or when he intends to push your buttons. Because no good comes out of engaging in this way. My best advice is to shut down the conversation until he changes his strategy.

I’m embarrassed to admit this now, but my own husband had to use this strategy with me when we were separated.  I allowed my emotions to fuel my behaviors.   I said things that I now deeply regret.  My husband would not allow me access to him when I acted this way, so I had to completely back up and act like an adult again.  Looking back, this was absolutely the right thing for him to do.   And I believe that his standing his ground helped us to save our marriage.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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