How Can We Afford A Marital Separation? Supporting Two Households Is Too Expensive.
By: Leslie Cane: One of the many concerns that some wives have about a marital separation is the cost. Often, money or finances is at least one issue that the couple is trying to work past. So, in light of this, how does the additional costs of separation not make things worse?
Someone might ask, “my husband insists on separating. I can only assume that he plans to move out. We live in a pretty expensive part of town, which is necessary for our jobs. Our home is a pretty big chunk of our budget and we often argue about money. I really do not understand how he thinks that we can afford to separate. I want to go to counseling, but there’s no way that we can swing that if we are paying for two homes. Plus, if we are stretched more financially, then I feel like this will put even more pressure on our marriage. It seems like my husband is determined to do this no matter how much it puts us in peril. How can I make him see that we cannot afford to separate?”
Crunching The Numbers: You can certainly make (and then show) him a spreadsheet of your income versus an estimate of the cost of two households. However, I would caution you to be prepared that he may wish to forge ahead anyway. Sometimes, when husbands convince themselves that they need space, they will not stop until they get it.
Offering Alternatives: Sometimes, it helps to offer up alternatives to give him the perception of getting what he wants while you maintain your financial footing. First, offer a fair look at your monthly income and then a view of how much two households might cost. That will show your husband that you may have to go into debt to make that situation work. Worse, the longer that you are separated, the further in debt you may become.
So what are your options? You could attempt to make the argument that counseling is the much cheaper option. However, not all men will agree to this. If he is one hundred percent set on living separately, then you may have to get creative. The easiest option is to live separately under the same roof. This can definitely be a challenge. You’d have to agree to strict boundaries and respect them. However, this option allows you to keep your household budget pretty much intact.
Another option is to find an alternative to his paying to live somewhere else. He may have friends or family who can spare a room for a short period of time. And if he fears that he will wear out his welcome, the two of you could alternate this agreement, with you staying somewhere else for some of the time while he lives in your home.
Many people don’t like this idea because it means that friends or family will know about your marital problems (which is why you’d need to seek out someone compassionate and understanding for this plan to work.)
Suggest A Delay To Work On Your Marriage: If none of these options appeal to your husband, but he can see how financially taxing a separation might be, I would take the opportunity to ask if he would be willing to wait a set period of time before moving out. Ask him if you can agree to try to work on your marriage for say, two months before he takes the drastic and expensive option of moving out. At best, this might allow you to work things out and not separate after all. At worst, you’re only delaying the separation for a few months, which certainly seems reasonable.
Your Attitude And Presentation Is Vital To Your Success: It’s very important that you keep your demeanor agreeable and open. You want to approach him as someone who wants to help him get what he needs in a way that doesn’t make your financial situation worse. You have to be careful that he doesn’t misinterpret this as your just using the money issues to avoid separation. To make this process seem as authentic as possible, be willing to stand behind the alternatives discussed above. Know that these conversations and alternatives may not avoid a separation, but they may at least buy you a little time or give you a separation that doesn’t cause more damage than needed.
Make sure he understands that you are trying to work with him for the sake of both of your financial futures. If you are accommodating, hopefully, he will follow suit.
I honestly did not push hard enough for these options during my own separation. We did live apart and we almost got a divorce. I finally got my husband back once I got a workable plan, but there was much pain and delay before I finally got my act together. The rest of the story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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