Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It may not feel like it at the time, but getting your husband to agree to not moving out when he wants a separation can truly be a victory. It is much easier to gradually work on your marriage when you have access to your husband. (And gradual movement can be very important when you have a husband who wants “space.”)

Still, as advantageous as living under the same roof can be, it is not without challenges. Although you may intellectually know that you need to back off some, your heart may have a hard time getting the message. It’s an unfortunate truth that at a time when you know that giving your spouse some room can actually help your cause, you may feel the need to cling a little tighter.

It’s very normal to feel some insecurity when your spouse pulls away from you and begins talking or hinting about a separation. Of course, you want to feel closer to him. But he’s literally asking you to give him physical distance.

A wife might say, “I realize that convincing my husband not to move out when he wanted to pursue a separation was the prudent move. The problem is that although I found it relatively easy to voice how I felt about having him stay, I’m finding it extremely difficult to think about actually carrying it out. He is my husband. This scenario is basically asking me to treat him like my roommate instead. I worry that this will be so awkward that he will eventually want to move out anyway. I am honestly not sure if I can do this. I have been running through typical days in my mind and it concerns me how much our lives will be altered. I know that we will not be sleeping in the same bed. But how about meals? How about watching TV? It all sounded good in theory, but it feels nearly impossible in practice.”

I don’t believe that it is impossible. I was not so lucky as to have my husband stay in the home during my own separation. He moved out, so I can tell you that living under two roofs was extremely difficult. However, as we were approaching reconciliation, he moved back in very gradually. He started off by spending weekends at home and then three days, including Fridays. I did strive to give him space during those times. I knew that our marriage was still vulnerable. So, I can offer some tips which I hope will help.

Keep Reminding Yourself Of Your Advantage: I know that you do not feel all that lucky right now. But I assure you that you have a very large advantage. Words cannot express how lonely it can be to live completely alone, without your husband. I can’t adequately describe the sinking feeling you experience when you don’t know where your separated husband is or what (and how) he is doing. Believe me when I say that you often assume the worst.

Yes, I know that you may feel lonely even when you live together. But, from my experience, it is a different (and worse) sort of lonely when you are completely alone in your empty house. It helps to remind yourself of this advantage when you begin to doubt yourself.

Agree On Ground Rules Before You Make The Switch: I believe that at least some of the anxiety that you’re feeling can be alleviated by agreeing to terms before either of you moves out of the master bedroom. When things are calm between you, ask your husband to define how much “alone time” he wants each day. Ask him if he wants to eat and watch TV alone. If you have kids, ask him how family time is going to work.

I know that this may be an awkward conversation, but it is better to have one awkward conversation now than to have countless awkward encounters because you do not understand what he really wants.

Respect What He Has Asked For.  Give Him Exactly That: Once you’ve made sure that you understand exactly how he envisions this “space” experiment to work, make good on everything that you have promised. In other words, if you’ve told him that you won’t hover, make sure that you do not give in to temptation and that you deliver exactly what you have promised.

Believe me, I know that I am asking a lot. I struggled with this also. But after misstepping one too many times and costing myself the gains that I’d made, I learned to distract myself when I was tempted to walk back my promises.

Sometimes, I literally had to leave the house. Or I’d make plans with friends. Or I’d pursue new hobbies and interests on my own so that I would not be tempted to lurk around when I was fully aware that my husband needed solitary time.

Let Your Husband Initiate Togetherness, But Seize On Any Opportunities That You Are Given: Honestly, I think that it is unrealistic to think that you will live like roommates, at least for the long term. Assuming that you respect what your husband has asked for, there may be times when you find yourselves together and end up watching a movie or sharing a nice meal and a few laughs. And honestly, these times can be so sweet. They can remind you about what you love about one another.

It’s completely normal to want to push for these special times. But, it is better if you allow your husband to initiate them. That said, there will be times when you sort of stumble into his space when you didn’t know he was home or was in an area of your home.

If so, just cordially say, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that you were here.” Because you are respecting his wishes, he may ask you to join him. If so, take advantage of this and enjoy yourself.

Remember Your End Goal: The entire goal of this in-home separation is for him to get what he needs so that he is more receptive to you and your marriage.

In this scenario, you actually CAN make gains with your marriage. And, with an atmosphere of scarcity, you will sometimes find that attraction and commitment trump your ground rules. And that is okay (or even wonderful.)

But you will need to allow this to happen naturally. You also have to be willing to delay gratification and be committed to only moving forward when it is clear that he welcomes this.

It can be a very delicate balance. Always opt for fairness and respect, and you may find that this living arrangement actually keeps you from a long-term separation or divorce rather than forcing one.

As I alluded to, I did not have the luxury of living together during my own separation. And I believe that my path was much more challenging as a result. Luckily, we did reconcile and are still together. But I had more challenges to overcome. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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